Happy Sixth Birthday, Eli
Grief is supposed to soften with time, and in many ways daily life has become easier. Yet March remains a heavy month to move through each year. Replaying the weeks before your arrival, the day you were born, and all the things I would change if I could is a weighty thing to carry. You would be six today. If you take after your brothers, you would be full of silly jokes, leaping off the furniture, and obsessed with superheroes — the superhero craze in this house is truly wild. I miss you. I miss the baby you were, and even more, I miss the boy you would be now. Would the curls have stayed? The black hair? Would your feet still be enormous? This past autumn you would have begun kindergarten. Your dad and I feel so deeply blessed. Your siblings are remarkable, and many days it strikes me just how good our life is. Still, we miss you. Still, we love you. That will never change, and I would give anything to see you and hold you once more. Always. Godspeed, little man. I love you to the moon and back. — Mama
Here We Are — Thanksgiving
When I stepped away from writing here regularly, I missed it, of course. The post I sat down to write a year ago this week was a difficult one. After the ups and downs my life had been through, I had no idea how people would respond. As always, everyone surprised me. I have been incredibly blessed by the majority of readers — they have always been wonderful, and I should have trusted that they would keep being wonderful. Rereading those comments this week overwhelmed me all over again, seeing how genuinely happy people were for us even as we set out on a fairly unusual path. Even so, pulling back felt right, so we could live our story rather than narrate it. And here we are, a year later. I didn't say much about our reconciliation at the time because I was in the middle of it. I didn't want anyone to think I was handing out advice or that I had it all figured out, since we were both learning as we went. John and I have never once doubted our decision to reconcile, but it has still been hard at times. I think the early days were tougher for John, when guilt weighed on him most. For me, the hardest realization was that I still had forgiving left to do even when I believed I was finished, and that I carry plenty of my own security and self-esteem struggles that grew out of our divorce. But thanks to everything we have learned about each other and about handling challenges without letting them damage us as a couple and a family, I can tell you now, more than a year after reconciling, that our marriage is stronger and better than it has ever been. Sometimes it astonishes me that it can be this way after all we have been through, especially since, honestly, it was never like this before the divorce. We loved each other and loved our family, but we did not know how to be married, and combined with the other stress we were under, our marriage was not a model for anyone. Now we are older and wiser, and it shows in every part of our relationship. I used to think it would be a relief to live somewhere no one knew our story — where I wasn't the single mom people pitied, or where everyone didn't know John and I were remarrying. We had some interesting conversations when we got our marriage license or booked wedding vendors; it turns out that when you share a last name, people assume you're related, which is always a bit awkward. But now we have moved a couple of hours away so Seth can attend a school designed for children who are deaf but use spoken language, and no one here knows us. I go to MOPS, we found a new church, we have been here over three months, and as far as anyone can tell we are just a typical family with five children. I expected that to be a relief, but honestly I dislike that our story is a secret, because our story has become something I am proud of. Our life is not easy and never will be. We keep finding ourselves in situations that stretch our faith and our perseverance. John currently commutes nearly two hours to work so Seth can attend his new school, and it is hard on him. Seth commutes too, putting in long days at school and on the bus home. I miss them both terribly. In many ways I am still the sole caregiver most days, and it is hard — hard on me, and hard on John because of how much he wants to be home. I am still in school, which sometimes feels endless. But no matter how hard life gets, it is even more blessed. John has a good job where he is respected and liked, and in this economy that is something many people do not have. Yes, I am on my own with the kids a lot, but John's emotional support makes a bigger difference than you might realize. I never feel alone. Seth is gone all day now, but in just two weeks at his new school he has made truly incredible progress. As a parent you fight for what your child needs without thinking about how it affects you. When I realized Seth would see his teacher more waking hours than he would see me, I was really sad, so seeing such immediate progress was exactly what I needed to know the sacrifices are completely worth it. Our kids are growing older, and I am amazed every day at how secure they are given how chaotic their lives have been these past few years. I love how God has protected their hearts and let them accept each new change with grace and, most of all, adjust so well to being a complete family again. This Thanksgiving I have a great deal to be thankful for. My life is crazy, beautiful, and blessed, and we are still choosing joy. One of the things I am most grateful for is the relationships this blog has brought me. I cannot count the emails I have received from women who are hurting, or families struggling through a stillbirth or the shock of a hearing loss diagnosis. It is truly a privilege to come alongside these families in a small way. There is nothing like that moment when all hope drains out of you in the midst of tragedy. I cannot promise an outcome and I don't know what will happen, but I do know without a doubt that great good can come from great sorrow, and I have been blessed to see it happen again and again in my life. Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you all have something wonderful to be thankful for this year.
Read This Post Choosing Joy View CommentsWedding Pictures!
My wedding was not the most traditional. We kept some old traditions, added new ones of our own, and tossed others out the window, and in the end we had a day that was entirely ours. That day and the ones leading up to it were stressful and wonderful, frustrating and fun. I am thrilled we had a wedding with all the trimmings this time around, but I can tell you right now: I never want to go through all of that again! I had an amazing week with friends and family, and now I have beautiful pictures to show for it thanks to my close friend Amie Jones (I would link her blog, but I don't think she blogs anymore — get on that, Amie). Here are some pictures from our day, chosen from many more. I tried not to post too many, but it's hard! Thank you all for being part of our day, and I am still so sorry the simulcast didn't work!
Still Missing
A year ago, two people I was very close to were taken from my life, and the ache of that absence has not faded. This post is a quiet space to remember them and to hold on to what they meant to me.
Third Time Is the Charm
A look back at a milestone worth celebrating, captured in a few favorite photographs.
Not Much for Content, but There Are Pictures
Some weeks there is little to say, but there are always photographs worth sharing.
