18 Weeks — It's a Boy!

It's a boy! We were really hoping for a boy. I adore my daughter and we share a wonderful bond, but something in me just knew I wanted another son. Our 15-week ultrasound gave us a "probably boy" answer, and a second scan at 17 weeks confirmed it!




When we told Ava, she was a little disappointed at first and couldn't fathom why anyone would want three brothers. =) She's warmed up to the idea now. Jace is about as excited as a two-and-a-half-year-old can be...though his attention span is very short.



Last night some friends threw a birthday party for Eli. He would have turned one on March 28th, but since we'll be out of town they wanted to celebrate early. Eight adults and ten kids came. It was a lot of fun...we didn't get into any heavy conversations, but when the cake was cut, the children (all under seven) decided on their own to sing Happy Birthday.



I can hardly put the emotions into words. First, I was amazed that the kids came up with it themselves, but it was also very hard, because Eli should have been here for his birthday. He should be walking and laughing and here with us.



It's been difficult for me. Now that we know the baby is a boy and we've chosen a name, I'm growing more and more attached to him. But I feel guilty, as if being happy about this baby means it's okay that Eli died. But it's not okay. It's not okay that a perfectly healthy little boy died a year ago. And if he had been okay, I wouldn't be pregnant now. It's a never-ending cycle. I want to bond with the new baby, but it's really hard to do that without feeling like I'm betraying Eli.



Yes, I know it doesn't make logical sense. =)



That said, I felt the new baby kick today. I have an anterior placenta, so it's been harder to feel movement. It was really exciting and lovely. It feels strange to call him "the baby" now that we have a name, but I'm not sure we're ready to share it.



Oh, what the heck. His name will be Seth Broderick. Seth means "appointed one" or "God has granted," and of course there's the connection to Seth as the third son of Adam and Eve, born to carry on Abel's work. I love the meaning, and more than that, I just feel it's his name. I didn't even choose it...it wasn't on our list. But the name kept coming to mind while I was reading or thinking, and I think we were simply being told his name. So we gave it to him. Brodrick (or possibly Broderick) is just a fun Irish name to honor John's heritage, plus I absolutely love the nickname Brody but balked at giving it as a formal name (plus it means ditch, so not a great meaning!).

15-Week Ultrasound Photos

We've since had confirmation that it's a boy. =) In the profile shots you can see he has long legs and a big head! At 15 weeks he measured about a week ahead (his head measured two weeks ahead!), and at 17 weeks he was measuring nine days ahead. Big boy!

Not a Real Baby

I heard through the grapevine today that someone couldn't understand why I was so upset around the anniversary of Eli's death. It's not, she said, as if he were a "real baby" or anything.

I truly have no words for that, so I just wanted to share a picture of my son, who was somehow not real because he never got to smile at us, or laugh, or crawl. You'd think people with kids would be the most sensitive, but I've actually found they're the ones who get the most defensive. If they can admit my son was healthy and real and still died, then nothing is safe.