18 weeks- IT'S A BOY

It's a boy! We so much wanted it to be a boy. I love my daughter, we have an awesome connection, but for some reason, I just knew I wanted another boy. We got a "probably boy" answer at our 15 week ultrasound, but had another at 17 weeks and got confirmation!




We broke the news to Ava, who was initially bummed and couldn't understand why anyone in the world would need 3 brothers. =) But she's come around. Jace is as excited as a 2 1/2 year old little boy can be...but he has a very short attention span.



Last night some friends had a birthday party for Eli. He would have turned one on March 28th but we will be out of town so they wanted to do it early. There were eight adults and ten kids there. It was a lot of fun...we didn't actually get into any heavy discussions, but when we cut the cake, the kids (all under seven years old) decided on their own to sing Happy Birthday.



I can't even describe the emotions I felt. First, amazed that the kids thought of it on their own, but it was also very difficult, as Eli should have been here for his birthday. He should be walking, and laughing, and here with us.



It is kind of hard for me. Now that we know the baby is a boy, and we have a name picked, I am becoming inexorably attached to him. But I feel guilty, because I feel like if I am happy about this baby, it means it is ok that Eli died. But it's not ok. It's not ok that a perfectly healthy little boy died a year ago. And if he had been ok, I would not be pregnant now. It's a never ending cycle. I want to be able to bond with the new baby, but it is really hard for me to do it without feeling like I am betraying Eli.



Yes, I know it's illogical. =)



That being said, I felt the new baby kick today. I have an anterior placenta, so it's been harder to feel anything. It was really exciting, and nice. It feels weird calling him "the baby" now that we have a name, but I don't know if we're ready to share it.



Oh, what the heck. His name will be Seth Broderick. Seth means "appointed one" or "God has Granted", and of course there is the whole correlation with Seth being the third son of Adam and Eve who was born to continue Abel's work. I love the meaning, and more than that, I just think it is his name. I didn't even choose it...it wasn't on our list. But the name just kept popping into my head when reading or thinking, and I think we were just being told his name. So we gave it to him. Brodrick (or possibly Broderick) is just a fun Irish name to honor John's heritage, plus I absolutely love the nickname Brody but balked at giving it as a formal name (plus is means ditch, so not a great meaning!).

15 week ultrasound pictures

We've since gotten boy confirmation. =) You can see in the profile pics he has long legs and a big head! At 15 weeks he was measuring about a week ahead (his head was measuring 2 weeks ahead!), and at 17 weeks he was measuring 9 days ahead. Big boy!

Not a real baby.

I heard through the grapevine today that someone didn't understand why I was so upset around the anniversary of Eli's death. It's not, she said, as if he were a "real baby," or anything.

I really have no words for that, so I just wanted to post a picture of my son, who was somehow not real because he never got to smile at us, or laugh, or crawl. Sometimes you think the people with kids would be the most sensitive, but I've actually found they're the ones who get the most defensive. If they can admit my son was healthy and real and he still died, then nothing is safe.