18 Weeks — It's a Boy!

It's a boy! We were really hoping for a boy. I adore my daughter and we share a wonderful bond, but somehow I just felt certain I wanted another son. Our 15-week ultrasound gave us a "probably boy," and a second scan at 17 weeks confirmed it!




When we told Ava, she was disappointed at first and couldn't fathom why anyone would ever want three brothers. =) She's warmed to the idea since. Jace is about as excited as a two-and-a-half-year-old can be...though his attention span is very short.



Last night some friends threw a birthday party for Eli. He would have turned one on March 28th, but since we'll be out of town they wanted to celebrate early. Eight adults and ten kids came. It was a lot of fun...we never got into any heavy conversations, but when the cake was cut, the kids (all under seven) decided all on their own to sing Happy Birthday.



I can hardly put the emotions into words. First, I was amazed the kids came up with it themselves, but it was also very hard, because Eli should have been here for his birthday. He should be walking and laughing and here with us.



This part is hard for me. Now that we know the baby is a boy and we've chosen a name, I'm growing attached to him in a way I can't stop. But I feel guilty, as though being happy about this baby would mean it's okay that Eli died. And it's not okay. It's not okay that a perfectly healthy little boy died a year ago. And if he had been okay, I wouldn't be pregnant now. It's an endless cycle. I want to bond with the new baby, but it's really hard to do that without feeling like I'm betraying Eli.



Yes, I know it's illogical. =)



All that said, I felt the new baby kick today. Because I have an anterior placenta, it's been harder to feel much. It was genuinely exciting and lovely. It feels strange to call him "the baby" now that we have a name, but I'm not sure we're ready to share it yet.



Oh, what the heck. His name will be Seth Broderick. Seth means "appointed one" or "God has granted," and of course there's the connection to Seth as the third son of Adam and Eve, born to carry on Abel's work. I love the meaning, and beyond that, I simply feel it's his name. I didn't even pick it...it wasn't on our list. But the name kept surfacing in my mind while I was reading or thinking, and I believe we were simply being told his name. So we gave it to him. Brodrick (or possibly Broderick) is just a fun Irish name honoring John's heritage, and I absolutely love the nickname Brody but hesitated to use it as a formal name (plus it means ditch, which isn't a great meaning!).