Happy Halloween!

Aspiring to be better

First of all...congratulations, MckMama! Her gorgeous baby boy Stellan was born two days ago, the same little boy whose family was told they would never get to take him home.

And he was born healthy! Perfect and whole and healthy!

God is amazing. He healed that little boy, he wrapped him up in his arms and protected him through a bevy of medical issues that should have killed him.

If anyone needed proof that miracles are still happening today, there it is, right in front of you!

I have been overwhelmed with emotion for baby Stellan and his Mama, and their entire family. I am so happy for them I cannot stand it.

And yet...

I am selfish to even mention it.

But I want to be transparent. I want to be someone who is working to be better, to be more whole. But I am weak.

I wish a miracle had happened to me.

I can remember the hours I spent after I was told Eli had died, the hours I spend crying out to God, begging him to make the doctors wrong, to fix it, to heal my son. I was begging at his feet, I was weeping and bargaining and doing everything I could to save my son, who hours before had been healthy and kicking.

My son, who was not saved. Not who could not be saved, because God is so big I know he could have done it, but who was not saved for some reason I don't understand.

I feel selfish even saying it. We are blessed. We have beautiful children, Eli included. Seth is everything we could have hoped and prayed for. But I miss the son I never got to know, and I wish we could have had our miracle on that terrible day. When he was born and I was holding him, warm and real in my arms, I kept waiting for him to take a breath, even as I knew he would not.

I feel selfish that in my happiness for others as I rejoice in the Lord for the amazing things happening to them, there is a small, bitter voice in my head whispering "But why not me? What did I do wrong?" I am a logical person, and I know that sometimes, bad things just happen. But I am also an emotional person, who just cannot understand. I know I will never understand until I am in heaven. I get that.

I know that I am the only one suffering, that Eli is rejoicing in heaven at the feet of the Lord, and that he is in no pain, has no suffering, and that it is just me that feels this. That makes me feel better. But it does not make me stop wanting my son, even though he is happy in heaven. I am that selfish, that if I could, I would call him away from God to live in this fallen world with me! It is a deplorable weakness.

But...as selfish and terrible as I may be, wishing I had my miracle does not change the joyfulness I feel over MckMama and her miracle. Stellan is here to do great things! I cannot wait to see them! The joy I feel at his birth and his life is overwhelming.

Jace-isms

So my son has reached an interesting phase of life...apparently wearing pants is a terrible punishment for him. After preschool, we come home and as soon as he gets six inches inside the house, he is stripping down to his boxers and t shirt, leaving his pants and jacket in a trail along the way.

So I told him he needed to put his clothes away, and he looked up at me seriously, holding one sock, and said:

"Oh, I am, Mommy. I am just doing it one clo at a time."

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Jace is also just starting to wrap his head around Eli's death. As we were driving the other day, he was paying a lot of attention to the different makes and models of cars.

"Mama, what kind of car does God drive?"

"He doesn't need a car, honey."

"Yes he does! If he doesn't have a car, he will have nowhere to put the carseat when he drives Eli back to us."

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Seth is a very popular baby around here...wherever we go, people want to hold him and love on him. He is a miracle, after all. But Jace is very concerned that people like him a little too much.

"Jace, your baby is so precious!"

"Yes, he is precious. But he is our baby, not your baby. You can't keep him."

"I can't keep him? He can't stay here with me?"

"NO! You cannot keep him! He is ours and we get to keep him. You can keep an eye on him."

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He also has a friend in his preschool class that he has known 'since he was born.' She is an older woman...three months older. They get along famously and several months ago, she said that she was going to marry him. When we found out that they were going to be in the same class, we figured it was fate. =) Today, her mom was behind us in car circle. Jace noticed her and was dying trying to get her attention.

"I love her! I love her! I love her! I kiss her and I hug her and I just love her. We might get married! We really might. Can she hear me? I need her to hear I love her sooo much."

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Doesn't he just sound like the most scrumptions, adorable 3 year old? He is such a blessing to our family. For Halloween, he has decided to be a Knight/Superhero with a cape and a sword who rides a horse. No, the title cannot be shortened.

Heard on the way home from school

As I pulled up to the car line at school today, I beckoned the megaphone lady over.

"Hi! I'm taking home some extra kids today, so I'll be taking the McCall, blank, and blank families home."

Incredulous look.

"In one car?" She asked "Or, in two cars?"

I looked around, pretty sure I had only brought one car.

"Um, just the one car. If you could just call them."

"McCall, blank, and blank!" She called into the megaphone as I pulled up. The next person, the one who ushers the kids into the car, looked at me.

"So, who are you picking up? Just Ava?" She apparently had not heard the megaphone announcement.

"No, I am picking up Ava, A, E, M and M today."

"Really? All in one car? Will they fit?" She asked, apparently unsure. I assured her they would, and all five kids came trooping into the car. We get situated, buckled, snacks handed out, and I start driving...and it begins.

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"Mrs. McCall, could you make sure the dog is locked up before we get home? My brother is scared of her."

"You don't have to be scared of her, she doesn't bite. Much."

"Mrs. McCall, E said that she bites!"

"I did not! I said she does not bite much! She only bites you if you run away from her."

"Mrs. McCall, can you lock her up? We need you to lock her up! My brother is VERY scared!"

"Well M, I cannot actually telepathically lock the dog up. It will have to wait until we get home."

"Well, OK, but my brother is just really scared. Can't you see?" I look back at him, and he is shrugging his shoulders at me. Apparently that is his scared look.

(Note...the dog does not bite at all. I do not know why they said she does)

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"I am going to be Gabriella from High School Musical for Halloween. I just love Gabriella. Do you know Gabriella, Mrs. McCall?"

"No, we have not seen High School Musical, M."

"Mama, Can we see High School Musical? Ava asked me. Before I could answer, E stepped in.

"Ava, I think High School Musical is just a little old for you. Maybe when you turn 5 you could watch it. You are just too young right now."

(FYI...E turned 5 one month ago. What a difference a month makes! =))

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And upon arriving home from school....Ava went into the kitchen to get a bottle of water and shrieked loudly, running back into the living room very dramatically.

"We have an emergency! There is only one piece of pie left!"

Steep

My friends, I am struggling. The past few days/weeks/months...the further away Eli's birth gets...my little boy should be a mischevious scamp with dirty feet from running out in the yard. He should be too heavy to carry around, but just the right cuddly size. He should fall asleep in his own bed in his own room every night. He should be learning to talk, to run, to play. He should be making his brothers and sister's lives miserable because he doesn't know how to share and always wants to play.

I know he is with God. I know he is happy, and whole, and safe. But believe it or not, on bad days knowing that doesn't make it any easier.

The other day at Borders, a song we played at Eli's memorial service came on. It was Godspeed by the Dixie Chicks. Believe it or not, I had not heard the song since I heard it at his memorial service. First it took me a while to place the song, then I had missed most of it. So, because I am a glutton for punishment, I went to the music section holding Seth, put on the earphones, and found the song and played it.

I stood there, with my eyes closed, tears rolling down my face, pretending the baby I was holding was Eli. Please don't get me wrong....I love Seth more than life itself. But I was missing his brother, and just to be able to fool myself for one second that I was holding him again this side of heaven...well, I can't even put it into words.

I feel like I am always putting on a show...for the kids, who pray for God to bring Eli back from heaven, for my family, who need to feel like I'm holding it together, for Seth's doctors, who need to know I have his care under control, as he needs so, so much. For my friends, who, as well meaning as they are, did not actually personally give birth to a perfect, 6 pound 6 ounce, chubby, black haired, gorgeous baby who just happened to be dead.

Now, I don't mean to say that I am a wreck every second of the day. In fact, most days I am fine. And that is almost worse. I am, ever so slowly, despite myself, forgetting my son. I am too busy with Seth's needs, and the big kids' needs. I am too busy with our lovely youth group and my wonderful husband. I am forgetting what Eli's hair felt like, what it was like to hold him. I am losing his black curls in my newest son's strawberry blond locks.  No matter how hard I try to hold on, the world is still passing him by, and I am a part of the world.

I hate this grief. I want my baby. I want my four children, all here, all healthy. I don't want this longing, this yearning that will not go away.

Not Me! Monday

It's time for Not me! Monday! Wheeee! Head on over to McMama's blog to read all about what she didn't do this week!

Let's see...this week, I did not try to cast a cheerful light on a friends devastating miscarriage by saying "Man, what do I need to do to hang out at home watching "High School Musical" all day and eating donuts?! You are so lucky!" just to try and lighten the mood. I was sad, had a migraine, and was apparently suffering from foot in mouth disease.

Ava had a sleepover the other night, and when her best friend got a little weepy about being away from her parents, I did not just tell her that the sooner she went to sleep the sooner she could see them because it was 11 o'clock and I was exhausted.

When Ava and Jace fell asleep yesterday afternoon at 5:26, I did not put them in their beds, shut the door, and watch "Ice Princesss." (But if I had it would have been awesome and just the mindless break I needed!) I also did not even consider leaving them to sleep all night and skip dinner. I did not just leave some bread in their room in case they woke up.

I did not drag 5 children ages 0, 1, 3, 4, and 5 to the mall to eat lunch and play because I didn't want to deal with them trashing out the house.

While at the mall and upon realizing I needed to stop at the Hallmark store, I did not make the kids line up just outside the door so that they couldn't break anything while I raced into the store, pointed at what I needed, and threw my credit card at them, all the while yelling over my shoulder "Is everyone touching the stroller? You all better be touching the stroller...TOUCH THE STROLLER!"

I did not buy my daughter a donut because she was laying on the floor screaming bloody murder. I do not succumb to threats, bribes, or kids acting like brats. Ever.

In bed last night...

So I have a bedtime routine. Seth goes to bed around 7, we eat dinner, watch our "shows", hang out, you know. Then at 11, I go to bed, pump, watch Scrubs, and pass out. Seth has been sleeping through the night for the most part so I have been sleeping straight through to morning.

So. Imagine my surprise when I am woken from a deep sleep by someone caressing my cheek. "What the..." I say, getting ready to knock John off the bed for waking me up when I am completely exhausted. Just before I do, I realize that it is not John.

It is my four year old daughter, caressing my cheek gently and saying "Mama, I need to be with you. I need to spend time with you."

Oh no. Not that...not the 'I need you' ploy. I am a sucker for that one.

So I say she can stay, as long as she goes straight to sleep. "OK, Mama, thank you."

I finally fall back asleep. What feels like two seconds later, I hear groaning next to me. Loud, loud groaning.

"I am so hungry! I am HUNGRY! I am huuuuuuuuuungry!"

Apparently, Ava is hungry. I try to put her off. I tell her just to go to sleep for a few minutes, thinking if she falls asleep she'll forget how hungry she is.

"But Mama. I am STAAAARVING!"

At this point, I think that she is actually loud enough to wake up her brother. Her deaf brother. Yes. She is loud enough to wake her brother who is so deaf a jet plane sounds like a whisper to him.

I am tired. I don't care. She gets a piece of bread in our bed, which subsequently turns into millions of tiny crumbs in our bed, which irritate me to no end. But I am tired! I am so tired I know that I can make myself go back to sleep, even when there is a lanky four year old laying diagonally across my bed and demon crumbs everywhere.

When I wake again, there is screeching. And screaming. And crying.

"My sword! She is bending my sword!"

"He is in my SPACE"

[Infant Crying. Loudly. Remember, he has no volume control.]

What? No way. I slowly open my eyes and look at the bed.

There cannot be five people in my bed, right? This is just a bad dream. It is not even fully LIGHT out yet! This is a bad dream. I take inventory. I am in bed. Next to me is Ava. Next to Ava is Jace. They are wrestling over a foam sword. He is also wearing his superhero cape. Next to Jace is John, who is apparently pretending he cannot hear the fighting going on next to him. Next to John is Seth, who started out the evening in his bassinet, so I'm a little confused at his current location, next to John. Seth is yelling loudly and rooting furiously in the general area of John's arm.

It is not yet 6 am. And apparently, it is time to get up. Thank God we have a king size bed!

Stats

Quick post before I pass out on the computer...

Seth had his 3 month check up today.

26 inches long (96th %)
13 lb 2 oz (50th %)

His social skills have caught up to his actual age, but his muscle development is more on track with an 8 week old (He is almost 14 weeks). That bummed me out some, but I have to remind myself that he should be 8 weeks, and so he is doing ok. His pediatrician says she thinks that he will be caught up by 9 months, and we have some things to work on at home. Soon, Early Intervention will be out to do a full evaluation on him, and we'll know what we need to work on.

But the doctor, nurses, and I all agreed on one thing...Seth is super cute!

And now, to bed!

Super Jace!

"I can do it! I can sword that prehistoric creature!"

So the other day, a very strange reptile appeared in our back yard. We trapped it, but I didn't want to see it, so I stayed in the living room because it was freaking me out. Ava was very concerned that it would get into the house and hurt all of us.

When Jace woke up from his nap Ava told him all about the creature (it really was unidentifiable...freaky...prehistoric). He immediately got up in arms, racing around the house to grab his superhero cape and his sword, saying "Ava, I will save you! I will sword it! I will sword that prehistoric creature!"

It was the cutest thing ever, I tell you.

Not Me! Monday

Ahh, it's that time again...time to tell you all the things I DID NOT DO with my kids!

When I was in line at the Dollar Tree, I did not strike up a conversation with the person in front of me buying a bunch of pregnancy tests. That would be a huge invasion of privacy, and would probably make her feel uncomfortable. I definitely did NOT say "I've been there!"

Speaking of Dollar Tree, I never bought their ovulation kits and pregnancy tests in bulk, like 20 at a time. I'm not obsessive and I would not need that many tests to get through one month of trying to conceive (actually, I would probably need more).

When Ava asked me to read to her this week, I did not say "How about you read it to me?" just because I was lazy.

I also did not downgrade Seth from fancy schmancy sink baths to pathetic wipedowns with baby wipes, and I did not try to use lots of lotion to make it seem like he was actually clean.

I did not go through my wardrobe and pull out all my maternity and blah clothes (four pregnancies in four years can really make you hate your clothes), intending to take them to goodwill, get too lazy halfway through, and stick them in a corner of my closet.

I did not make the rule that before homeschooling can begin, the kids have to cuddle with me for twenty minutes just so I could sleep later.

When watching a friends little boy the other day, I most definitely did not think "One more baby wouldn't be that bad, right?"

And, last but not least, I did not not have a nervous breakdown last Friday when Seth turned three months old. It did not make me cry to think of how big and old he was getting. I also did not pathetically say "Before we know it, he'll be ONE!" (But oh my goodness, before we know it he WILL be one and I don't know what I'll do!).

Happy Not Me-ing!

Spoiled Baby =)

Apparently reposing in his adorable Maclaren Bouncy seat was just unnacceptable to Seth...he pitched a fit. I assumed it was reflux acting up and picked him up and set him down next to me, looking for a burp cloth. In the two seconds it took to find one, he was smiling and laughing.

He just wanted to be held. By his mama.

What a spoiled baby.

I love it. =)

Happy 3 Months, Seth B.!

You're practically over the hill! 1/4 of the way to One! Not a newborn anymore, although if we go by your adjusted age you would be a month and a half old, not three. We had a rough start, but we have loved having you here with us every second of the past three months, since you apparently just couldn't wait to make your appearance.

At three months, you regularly:

Smile!

Laugh (usually in response to strange things)

Sleep at LEAST 8 hours a night and sometimes TEN hours!

Coo. LOUDLY.

Eat every 3 to 4 hours during the day.

Fuss just enough to get someone to pick you up, then immediately smile or fall asleep.

Pull out your hearing aids several times a day.

You are a gorgeous, perfect baby. Your eyes still appear to be blue (yes!), and your hair is dark blond with quite a bit of red in it, surprisingly...no idea where that came from. As my friend said, you look nothing like your siblings, at least at first glance. After studying you for a while, you do resemble both Ava, Jace, and Eli in different ways.

You are cruising along at the 50th % for both height and weight (actual age...you'd be much higher adjusted), which I love, because it means you will be a smaller, cuddly baby longer! You are 12lb 12 oz as of a few days ago.

You love the sling, and hang out there most of the time when we are out and about. This does two things: a) Keeps you close to me, the way I like it, and b) keeps strangers from touching you. The only downfall to the sling is that it makes your hearing aids feedback like crazy.

Ahh, the hearing aids. We finally got well fitting ear molds for you, which has helped with the squealing, but since the aids are turned up as high as they can go, we still have to deal with a certain amount of feedback. It's apparently the best we can hope for. The aids annoy you, but we have seen two responses from you...one during a feedback test at the audiologist, and one when your brother threw something on the floor VERY loudly. It was very exciting to see you "hear!"

Everyone who meets you falls in love with you, and who could blame them? Even your brother and sister do nothing but fawn all over you all day long. Neither one of them has even mentioned sending you back, which is pretty good, considering how much attention you have been getting!

I love you, Seth. I have loved every second of your babyhood so far, and I will be cherishing every single moment from here on out. You will never know how hard we prayed for you, little man, and how thankful for you we are every single day.

Love, Mama

Boys Boys Boys.

I am watching one of my friends boys today. Ava is off at school, so we are in an all boy zone. "JUST the BOYS!" Jace screamed as we drove to school this morning. This little boy, F, is just a couple of months younger than Eli would be (we were pregnant together...he and Eli were supposed to be best friends, of course), and so it's been a little surreal, realizing that in an alternate reality, this could be our family, these three boys, 3, 1, and 3 months. So it's been bittersweet, seeing them all together, although mostly sweet, as F is pretty much a part of the family anyway, and he and Seth will be in same class at school. I love seeing them form these connections.

F is just learning to walk and get into things, so it's been a busy morning of cheering when he walks and pulling him off whatever objects he climbs. I have a lot more baby proofing to do before Seth gets much bigger!

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I spent the morning at Target, which was a BAD idea. Target is my weakness...when I go there I always, always find things to buy. And I have been being so good...until today. =) I will have to post pictures of my finds later.

Passed with Flying Colors!

Our charming audiologist told us that since Seth's deafness could theoretically be hereditary, we should get the big kids tested. So today we loaded up in the van with all the kids and their necessary items (superhero capes, check!).

When we got to the office, the receptionists oohed and ahhed over Seth as usual and Ava and Jace headed back to the sound booth and emerged only a few minutes later with the official diagnosis of....perfect hearing!

Yay!

It's such a weight off my mind, even though we knew they could hear, I wasn't sure if their could be some mild hearing loss there. Now we know, when they don't listen it's because of selective hearing, not loss. =)

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Now I have to go run around shoving stuff in closets so that the house looks spic and span for the youth group tonight. I am really looking forward to hanging out and getting into the Word with them!

10/15

Tomorrow (today, really...in 36 minutes) is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. So in celebration of Eli, here are some pictures of him. The above picture is Eli after we gave him a bath...you can see all his black curly hair and his big feet.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Eli. Even though it was before he was cleaned up and presentable, it was just such a powerful moment...I can still remember holding him in my arms, still warm...I kept thinking he would just take a breath and prove everyone wrong.

So my prayers are going out to everyone who has ever had to go through any kind of loss of their child...it is not something I would ever wish one anyone, no matter what.

Eli, I love you. I miss you, each and every day, and I don't need an occasion to say it. You are loved and missed. There is a spot in our family left gaping open, waiting for you, our son. A pause, to denote your existence, when we talk about our kids with strangers. All the words in the world when we are talking to friends, words to remember you, to describe you, to find a way to carry you with us. I miss you more than words can ever say or anyone could ever understand.

Not Me! Monday

So this week I'm just going to let it all hang out with "Not me! Monday." Thanks for the awesome idea, MckMama!



This week I most definitely did NOT let Jace go on a playdate wearing the exact same clothes he had worn the whole entire day the day before and to bed, as well. That would be disgusting and well, just plain lazy. And the last thing I am is lazy! My children always leave the house looking put together. Always. ; )





Without a doubt, I never ever bathe Seth in the sink. I always get all the baby bathing equipment out...fill the tub, look lovingly into his eyes as I give him a baby massage. I don't ever plop him into the sink, spray him down with the thingie, and call it a day. But if I DID do that, I would also have to say that I think his lack of baby acne is completely due to the fact that he gets bathed so rarely. But since I don't do that, it must just be good genes!





And Finally, there's no way that the other day, when the kids were playing outside and came running in scared of a purportedly humongous spider on the trampoline, that I told them that it was probably just Charlotte (as in the Web) and that she was friendly. Uh Uh.

On Wednesday night before our youth group arrived for bible study, there is no way I threw several armloads of toys into the closet so that I wouldn't have to put the brainpower into organizing them and putting them away...that never happened.

When I walked into the kids' room and saw that their version of making the beds looked like a mountain of stuffed animals on top of crumpled up quilts and blankets, I definitely did not let it go simply because I was relieved that at least the floor was clean.

I have a killer headache today, and I'm sure I've "not" done a lot more things that I'm forgetting. =) Feel free to check out MckMama's blog and participate! It's fun!

A Response!

Seth got refitted for his hearing aids today...The last molds we got were outgrown before he even received them, which made for a pretty hellish two weeks full of feedback while we waited for the new molds to come in.



BUT...they finally came in and it made a HUGE difference! When his awesome audiologist, Miss B, did the feedback test on his left ear, his eyes popped open and he looked SO surprised...it was amazing.

She says that probably the best we can hope for is some environmental sounds with the aids, but something is better than nothing. This way at least his auditory nerve has something to do!

Every day I am so amazed by Seth...he is such a miracle. He is the most alert, beautiful, content baby I have ever seen (but admittedly, I may be biased). At the same time, I know I am still grieving his deafness...that I have been so busy handling everything that it will hit me one day when my guard is down. But I know now that even though that day when I get knocked over by this is coming, that I will recover, that God will pick me up and remind me that He will never give me anything that I cannot handle, and if it does turn out that I can't handle it, that He will handle it for me, and all I have to do is let him.

A Little Backstory- Our Family

Scroll Past the video for our written account.

My name is Ellyn. I have a husband, John. I have a daughter, Ava, who is incredibly beautiful, silly, dramatic and just exactly like me. She turned 4 in August. My oldest son, Jace, just turned three, and he is the light of our lives...our entertainment and laughter depend on him every day. Our son Eli came next. With us for only eight months, he died just before he was born. He would be 2 on March 28th. He was a gorgeous baby...jet black curls, beautiful lips...there will not be a day that goes by that I don't wonder what his personality would have been like.

In July, we were thrilled to welcome our third son and fourth baby, Seth Broderick. He had a rough start as he arrived six weeks early and was in danger of not making it at all. He rallied, though, and we were able to bring our baby home! At four weeks of age, Seth was diagnosed as profoundly deaf, most likely due to an antibiotic he was on the NICU.

This blog is about our family as we navigate life doing our best to Glorify God and show Him to others as He was shown to us when we needed it most. While this is "mostly" about Seth as we deal with his every day triumphs with cochlear implants, I also write our day to day struggles and triumphs with all of our kids, and mourning the son we lost.

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For the longer version of our story, please continue reading!

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After Eli was born we took off as a family to New York City to deal with it all. We had spent the previous eight months planning for our third child, only to find out that we wouldn't be keeping him, even though he looked perfectly healthy, a chubby 6 pound 6 ounce baby boy, and we would never know for sure what it was that killed him. We would only hear over and over that all the tests said he had been perfectly healthy and that if he had been delivered hours earlier, chances are he would have been fine.

Mothers feel guilt for almost everything. Moms feel guilt over whether their kids are getting too much socialization or not enough, whether you have them in the right schools with the right friends and the right clothes...so imagine how much guilt you feel when you are told that if you had only gone to the hospital sooner, your baby would be alive instead of dead.

The guilt almost drowned me. To this day I struggle with it. I knew I should have gone in, I woke up in the night with a strong feeling that something was wrong, that I should leave for the hospital quickly without bothering to wake anyone up. I wrote it off as a crazy hormonal thing and went back to sleep. At this moment I can still feel Eli's last kick.

We came home. We ate all the food well meaning people brought to our house. I was insanely protective of my two older kids, positive that something else would go wrong and we would lose yet another child. I sat for hours in the nursery we had decorated for Eli, feeling like it was the last place I could remember him, even though he had never been there.

A month after Eli's death, we held a memorial service. Everyone we knew was there, mourning a baby they had never gotten to meet. We held the service outside, in a pavilion overlooking the bay, watching what seemed like a thousand kids playing near the water. It was a beautiful spot and I still remember how much peace I felt that day, listening to our pastors and best friends talk about Eli.

Within a few months, I was dying for a baby. Not to replace Eli at all, but because I wanted something to hope for. I wanted something, someone, to look forward to. A newborn I could bring home with me. It took longer than I thought it should to get pregnant...by the time I finally got a positive pregnancy test, after months of negatives, I could barely believe it and I took about a hundred to be sure.

Because my pregnancy with Eli had been high risk, we followed this new pregnancy very closely. I had weekly ultrasounds following the growth of a tiny speck into a beautiful baby. The pregnancy was truly blessed...my doctor advised me a of a therapy that could help with my pre-term labor and we began treatment early, so I never had to deal with bedrest or the frequent contractions that had plagued my previous pregnancies. I enjoyed being pregnant for the first time. We did so many things during my pregnancy....went to Disney World with the kids, traveled to New York City again for Eli's first birthday thanks to the generosity of friends, where we spent time in a gorgeous cathedral looking up Eli's name in their Shrine of the Holy Innocents and listening to the kids singing Happy Birthday to Eli over a box of the rumoured best cupcakes in the City.

One morning just days after my baby shower was thrown for me by one of my bests friends, I was standing in the shower when my water broke. Almost an exact repeat of what happened with Eli. We weren't taking any chances. Barely half an hour later, I was in a delivery room hooked up to the monitors, listening to my baby's strong heartbeat. Due to the rupture of my membranes and the history of Eli's death, my doctor wanted to deliver right away even though I was only 34 weeks along. So at 10:30 that night after catching the elimination from So You Think You Can Dance, Seth Broderick was born. After a terrifying moment, he began to cry, which resulted in every person in our overcrowded delivery room crying and laughing at once, including my slightly robotic OB, who had also delivered Eli.

He was 7 pounds 10 ounces, a very high weight for a 34 weeker, and 22 inches long. His lungs were also obviously under developed, and within minutes he was taken to the NICU, where he stayed for two weeks. Every complication he could have gotten he got. He was put on a ventilator to help him breathe and administer surfactant, which caused him to develop a pneumothorax which necessitated a chest tube. His veins kept blowing, so they put an arterial line in through his umbilical cord. He developed severe jaundice. His CBC came back "muddy", so they were afraid he was developing an infection. He was very agitated as they tried to wean him off his pain medication, so he spent several days sedated. Because of all of the risk factors, he was put on a strong antibiotic.

In the first days after Seth was born, he was super responsive to sound. When his dad spoke to him, he cried. When I spoke, he became calm. If the nurses forgot to close the door to his NICU room, he became very agitated until the room was quiet.

He was discharged at two weeks after failing his hearing screening, which the nurses swore was probably due to fluid in his ears from birth. But the seed had been planted. As we settled in at home, I noticed Seth did not startle to his brother banging on drums next to him. Seth did not wake when the kids screamed at one another. I started researching.

His pediatrician did an OAE test in the office to relive my stress and he passed it. I was momentarily relieved, but after a few more days, I told her I was still concerned. Being the angel she is, she immediately scheduled him for a full evaluation with an Audiologist.

As the days leading up to his appointment went by, I only became more convinced he could not hear. Friends said I was being paranoid, that newborns are good sleepers, but this was my fourth baby, and I knew. If Eli's death has taught me anything, it is to trust my maternal instincts. So when the Audiologist looked at me and told me "He is not hearing." I felt a strange mix of sadness and validation. I knew my baby. I knew he couldn't hear me. I wasn't being crazy or paranoid.

Seth was officially diagnosed as profoundly deaf at 4 weeks of age. With my fourth child, when I should have been able to sit back and relax, a parenting pro, I was instead embarking on a completely new journey.

People's reactions have been interesting. I already knew that people tend to have very strange reactions to bad news, having braved quite a few questionable comments after Eli's death, but what floored me was that by far the most popular response after learning about Seth's deafness was "But he is so cute!" Are most deaf babies ugly? Is there a large contingent of aesthetically unappealing deaf infants out there? Is it wrong for a baby with a purported disability to look normal? It is mystifying to me.

The second most common reaction is "I am very sorry." Which, okay...I'm kind of sorry too, but for me...deaf is better than dead, people. By a long shot. I have been on both sides of that fence, and I'll hang out over here if that's okay with you.

The entire history has been written so that you can all understand how much pride and love is in my heart when I introduce my fourth child and third son, Seth. He is a sweet, gorgeous (and cute!) baby, who just happens to be deaf. We've grown pretty attached to him now, and don't want to trade him in. =) Deafness is a part of him now, of who he is. He is our profoundly deaf son. But more than that, he is profoundly, completely Seth.

Seth was just a few months old when we learned he was a candidate for cochlear implant surgery. This surgery, which, by way of an implantable device, makes it possible for him it hear! Implants will give him opportunities I never thought were possible. I believe Seth is perfect as he is. I do not want to "fix" him, or change him. But I also don't want to limit him, and I want to give him everything I can.

Seth was 8 months old when he received bilateral cochlear implants, and we've never looked back, and neither has Seth. He hears extremely well, and, at 11 months of age, his language and listening skills are age appropriate! Aside from his "jet packs" as Ava's friends call them, he is a typical, adorable little boy.

What a blessing this year of his life as been!

About Us

My name is Ellyn McCall. You can call me El. If you want. I'll answer to either one of those, or any variation of Honey, Mom, Mama, Mommy...what have you. I just moved back to the place I grew up, Indiana, after seven years in the Florida sun. 

I have six zany, silly, dramatic, beautiful, closely spaced children. My daughter Ava is 7 years old, then come the boys...the oldest, Jace is 6. Eli, the son who was lost to stillbirth during labor, would be three in March and my rainbow baby, Seth, is 3 years old. My second daughter, Evany, just turned two, and the caboose to our family train is Coen, who was born in July.

Since I got married, my life has been anything but routine. As if having two babies in the house wasn't enough, our third child dying made my husband and me into very different people. Seth, our personal miracle baby, has gone a very long way toward healing our family's broken hearts. Seth was born prematurely, and during his NICU stay, he received antibiotics that caused him to lose his hearing. It was after he was diagnosed as profoundly deaf that I started this blog to record our experiences with deafness and his journey toward bilateral cochlear implants, which he received last April at 8 months of age.

I have been overwhelmed by the love and support everyone in our family has received. If it weren't for the community of people who read this blog, Seth would never have received his surgery when he did. Being able to witness the good in people through this blog has been an amazing blessing to me, and I have loved being able to form relationships with so many people who can relate to our family in some way.

Over time, this blog has become less about just Seth and more about daily life in our family, the things that make us us. Our lives got even more complicated when my husband left our family. We had a couple of rough years, but are now reconciling our family and our marriage. It's a process, to be sure, but I'm so thankful to God that He has seen fit to give our family another shot. 

I strive to make our lives full...full of laughter and even tears, when they're needed, full of love and understanding, full of wit and joy even as we face hardships, and I love being able to share that here...the good, the bad, and everything in between.

Seth's Life in Pictures

Catch a look back at Seth's first year of life, from the first moment on!

"Seth's Life in Pictures"

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