Ads, Anyone?

This blog has always been an ad-free zone. I feel strongly about "monetizing" this website, as the reasons that I am here writing, and the reasons I hope you are here reading, are not about money, but about connecting. Connecting through loss, through children, through Gilmore Girls, High School Musical, and So You Think You Can Dance, through ups and downs and through faith. Joining together to raise up Seth, who needed your prayers and your help to get his surgery.

If you had asked me a few months ago, I would have told you that ads on this blog at and point in time were not going to happen, period. I would never want you all to think that I want you visiting and reading just to make money for me. It seemed almost offensive.

But then, almost a month ago, my husband moved out. My current circumstances are markedly different than they were, and my options for getting out of the house and working aren't in the cards right now, as you may remember from my post about my conversation with the OB the other day.

I've been offered the opportunity to place Blogher Ads on this website, similar to the ads I'm sure you've seen on many other blogs. There would be nothing to click, nothing that you would need to "do." While the income would likely be small, every little bit would help right now, and it feels like a good step towards finding a solution to some of our financial worries.

So, I want you all to weigh in. If I put ads on this site, will you be offended? Do you think it's a good idea, or a bad one? Will you leave and never read again? =) Just as you've all been awesome at support and advice in many other areas, I want you input now.

What do you think? Thanks in advance.

15 weeks x 5

I did it! I took a 15 week picture, ratty hair, monochrome outfit, Vacation Bible School T-shirt and all. Yeah, I'm fashionable.

I thought it would be interesting to post a 15 week picture from all 5 kids. The quality on some of them are pretty bad...apparently, I was pregnant with Ava in the dark ages...that is, the dark ages before I had a digital camera. It's not pretty. I look about 12.

So without further ado, here you go!

15 weeks with Avelyn Monet in 2004. Aww, all A & F'd out.

15 weeks with Jace Robert in 2005. Apparently, chunky belts were still in.

15 weeks with Robert Elias in 2006. I liked that shirt...wonder what happened to it?

15 weeks with Seth Broderick in 2008. (No, I have no idea why I'm dorking out. I think Ava took the picture)

And finally...

15 weeks with Baby #5 in 2009, cheesy smile and all!

Whew. I'm really, really tired just looking at those pictures. There is no way it's only been 5 years...Man.

Seriously.

Whew! Just got the kids in bed. I am very nervous about who is going to get kicked off So You Think You Can Dance. Please don't let it be Melissa or Evan!

In all the mental uproar yesterday, I totally spaced on the fact that I was 15 weeks! Score! These weeks are flying by. It was at a 15 week ultrasound with Seth that we found out he was a Seth and not a...well, I can't remember the girl name we had picked. I don't have a 15 week picture to post, but I may get around to it this week. Or not. It depends on whether my hair looks cute.

Can I just digress for a moment and say that it is really, really, super hard to think of a fifth name? To think of something that both meshes with the other kids names and is cool on it's own is proving to be very difficult.

__________________________

Thanks for all of the kind comments yesterday. For future reference, if you hadn't noticed, a lot of the time I will reply to people right in the comment section, so check back if you wrote something. I really like it, and I like the threaded conversations that can take place. The comment system is called Disqus, and although I think you do have to register, you can use an Open ID, a facebook or even a twitter handle. If you haven't commented since I made the switch, I hope you'll consider if! Once you register, you never have to do it again.

_______________________

Now for some Seth news. I didn't want to share too many details yesterday, as we were waiting on results from the hospital (and I wanted to speak to John before telling you all), but I've been in contact with Seth's Pulmonologist today, and she reviewed the x-rays from his hospitalization in June and the x-rays we repeated yesterday. In June, his airway showed a steeple sign (picture a triangle, the airway narrowing as you get to the top and closed at the point) , a classic sign of croup. Usually, when the illness is gone, the airway goes back to it's normal shape.

Seth's x-rays, however, show that his airway is still steepled, which suggests to the doctors that his airway issues are anatomical rather than induced by sickness. This could be from the intubation in the NICU, or something else. Since he is already dealing with a nearly closed airway, it doesn't take much for it to close completely. Now it makes more sense that he would literally go from having a runny nose and no other symptoms to struggling to breathe in a matter of hours. Most people can deal with slight swelling that occurs with a cold or other sickness and not really notice it, but since Seth is starting out with a narrow airway when healthy, he can't afford to get sick.

Now that we have a better idea of what we're dealing with, we are set up at home with steroids, a nebulizer, and an assortment of inhaled medicines to treat Seth as needed until we find out the cause of his steepled airway and decide what to do about it. It's really important to treat him at the first sign of anything since we now know how little room he has to play with as far as his breathing is concerned.

Since Seth's ear tubes are also causing him problems, we are trying to schedule the bronchoscopy, where the ENT will send a camera down to find out just what is causing the steepled airway (and what to do to fix it), and replacement of his tubes at the same time. In addition to that, the Gastroenterologist would like to do a PH probe to see if his weight loss could be due to silent reflux. As many of you know, Seth does not tolerate general anesthesia well at all, and we want to minimize his exposure.

Another concern the Pulmonologist has is over Seth's stagnant or negative weight gain, even though he has a very healthy appetite (he eats more than his brother and sister combined), and some bowel issues he has, added to his breathing. She is of the opinion that he might have Cystic Fibrosis, and so we will also be testing him for that next week. She said that after looking at his case history, he is one of the more complicated babies she's seen, and that she feels that at this point, looking at all of Seth's symptoms separately isn't doing us any favors, and that it could a larger underlying issue.

The results from his bloodwork aren't in yet, but that was all to try to find the root cause of his anemia, which is pretty severe at this point. He has been on prescription iron for two months without raising his levels, and at this point the idea of a blood transfusion is being tossed around. Apparently severe anemia can contribute to heart murmurs, and Seth already has a PDA and two PFO's to worry about, so we're all thinking the time to wait and see is coming to an end.

I know all of this is a ton of information, but it looks like Seth is going to be embarking on a whole new litany of procedures and tests. It's going to take some effort to get three different specialists on board in order to out Seth through as little anesthesia as possible, and I would greatly appreciate prayer specifically to help this all go smoothly. In many ways, this is scarier than when we found out Seth was deaf. In that case, it was clear cut. He couldn't hear, and we had a clear course of action to help him. In this case, we are all in the dark.

I know God has a plan for Seth, and I know that we will make it through this, and that there are tons of babies much sicker than he is. But he's my baby, and he's already been through the wringer. I just want him to catch a break.

Stumbling

::Very long...sorry. I am in one of those places today::

I just don't know what to say anymore. I have faith. I have had faith through the past two and a half years of my life, when everything took a turn for the worst and my husband and I, who were closer than we had ever been, lost our son. I was angry. I yelled, I screamed, I cried, and every night I would fall asleep and be thrust immediately into a nightmare that is worse than any I have ever experienced. Problem was, it wasn't a nightmare, it was reality. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was Eli's too still body on the ultrasound machine, John's face as it all began to click, that reality that our son was dead permeating the entire room. No one said a word. Finally, I spoke. "I need you to say it. Someone has to say it out loud."

That seems to be a recurring thing with me. When there is something apparently obvious, it's like I can't accept it until it is acknowledged. To me, that day, my baby boy was not dead until someone said the words. Every night, I had the same dream, and then I would wake up, and it would all come rushing back. it hadn't been a dream at all.

Then there we were, a family of four again after planning and hoping to be a family of five. Never knowing how to answer when people asked how many kids we had. I knew I had three, but it made people uncomfortable when I just threw it out there, especially since it was basically my job to work with pregnant couples, teaching them car seat safety. We were getting there, improving, one year passed and Seth was on his way. John was dealing with Eli's loss differently than I was, but I can't tell you how many times I looked at him and thought "This has made him grow up...as horrible as this has been, it has made him a better man, too." I thought it had made him take more responsibility, more control, when before he had always been very passive and allowed me to take the reins, which I didn't always want. He was relatively disconnected during Seth's pregnancy, but neither one of us knew how to go through the pregnancy, no idea if he would survive. I tried to bond to him as much as I could, and John kept his distance, I think to guard his heart. I still don't know if he's realized that in doing that, he distanced himself from me, too.

Then Seth came along. He was beautiful and so, so sick. John spent every night with me in the NICU, he got up for middle of the night feedings, he rubbed my back and reminded me to eat. I thought, this is what marriage is when it is real. We are getting through it. Seth will get better. Then, when he was two weeks old, we sat next to each other in his private NICU room, staring at the screen as lines plotted themselves on a graph, over and over again. For the third time, the word REFER came up on the screen. The audiology tech turned to look at us, cringing. "I'm sorry, I can't get him to pass."

I remember John looked over at me, shaking his head. "What does that even mean?" He asked me. "I don't know. I think it means he can't hear." We both couldn't understand it...just days before he had been turning to our voices. We had made jokes about it. When I spoke, Seth calmed. When John spoke, Seth became active, crying out.

We thought we were taking home a baby like his older brother, Jace, a baby who had been very sick at birth but recovered one hundeed percent with no delays, no issues, nothing. Instead we took home a baby who turned out to be both physically delayed and deaf. We were overwhelmed. I'm a fixer, so I tried to spin it for everyone else. We began to learn sign language and research cochlear implants. John started a second job so that I could stay home with Seth to take care of his therapy. We sat down together and committed to at least a year of being dedicated to Seth's needs as it was becoming clear he had a lot of them.

As Seth's first year began to wind to a close, I started to feel hopeful. He was finally eating, finally sleeping. He could hear. It was like I could see the end of my sentence up ahead. Please don't misunderstand...I love Seth and am incredibly bonded to him. But I missed my husband, my life. I had only been away from Seth for an hour or two on a handful of occasions since his birth. In many ways, I was his sole caregiver, as he would not take a bottle and became very distressed whenever I left. By that I do not mean that no one was willing, but Seth just wasn't able to be with just anyone. As I began to see signs of his becoming more independent, I was so excited.

Of course, getting pregnant again threw a wrench into things, but I figured that people are pregnant for 9 months for a reason. There was every chance to think that this pregnancy could go like Seth's, mostly uneventful until his precipitous birth. There was a good shot that I had at least a few months to enjoy a little extra freedom.

So when John told me that he'd gotten a baby sitter for all three kids for us to go out for our anniversary, I was momentarily concerned, but then excited. It was time. Seth was almost one...he was catching up, he was being discharged from specialists right and left, and he was healthy. Finally, I felt like I could leave someone else in charge of him.

Then, of course, everything fell apart. After an argument where I told John to leave but didn't mean it, he called my bluff, and left. Then I found out that he'd been leading, in essence, a separate life for sometime, connecting to someone that wasn't me. I'd spent months feeling alone, thinking I was paranoid to feel that way, only to find that I, for all intents and purposes, had been alone. All the things that have become clear to me in the past few weeks have been overwhelming and life changing. I was selfish, I was cruel. The worst part was, I had never even realized it. I had put others before my husband on countless occasions.

But, I thought, maybe God had let this happen so that we could be woken up, realize we needed to make our marriage a priority. I became excited, thinking about all the positive changes we could make, all the ways we could work together to have a great life, together. I could even forgive the infidelity, the emotional connection...I would not wish what we'd been through on anyone, and if this girl is what it took to wake us up, make us work on our marriage, then I would thank her gladly, as silly as that sounds.

But of course, he was not interested. It wasn't about her, he said, it was all me. All the things I had done wrong. Too little too late. I couldn't process it, and needed clarity. "What do you mean, do you mean you don't love me?" Well, yes, that's what he meant. I stared at him, confused. It was like 2 + 2 had always equaled four, and suddenly, he was telling me it equaled 15. I couldn't process it. Why, after everything we had gone through, just as we were coming out of the tunnel, he give up?

Why would God let something else happen? How much are we supposed to be able to take? I know He's not supposed to give us anything we can't handle, but I don't know if I can handle this. As if that wasn't enough, suddenly, again, Seth was sick. Lots of little things. Low iron. Trouble breathing. Ear infections. Losing weight. This wasn't supposed to be how it went. He was supposed to be better. He was supposed to be moving past his first year. We were supposed to be a family.

Today, I sat at the hospital for the greater part of the day, shuttling Seth from the Pulmonologist to the hospital for labs, x-rays, procedures. Everything that felt unrelated might not be unrelated, and I am waiting on a call to discuss looking at a possible hospital admission to do further testing.

I am stumbling. I have faith, but I want my baby to be healthy. I want my kids to sleep through the night without calling out for their father. I want to forget the things my husband has said to me...that he will pursue this girl if her current relationship ends, that he wants to be with her, that there is nothing, nothing in the whole entire world that could make him come back to me and our children. I want to know why every time someone tries to talk to him because they care he holds it against me alone. I want to know how seven years can be erased so quickly, why he can take a chance on someone he's only known a few months but not his own wife. I want to come home from a harrowing day at the hospital to someone who will wrap their arms around me and tell me they love me, that everything is going to be okay, not be sitting here waiting for him to show up to see the kids and make myself scarce. I want to be able to write the things I think without wondering whether he'll be mad at me for writing them, without wondering if I should censor my thoughts to keep from making him feel bad or feel like he's been misrepresented.

I just want a lot, but really, it's not that much. I want the husband I was too oblivious to realize I was losing, for him to realize that I am worth a shot, and if it doesn't work, what more has he lost? I want the children that my kids were before this happened, I want Seth to be healthy. I want more than anything for this baby to be born and grow up knowing that they were loved by a whole, complete family, not by one who split up before he or she was even born.

I have faith, I do. I keep saying it, because if I do, maybe I'll feel it. Because right now, I am not feeling it. I want to lash out, to scream that I've held my dead child and thanked God for the chance, I've already adjusted to way more new normals than most people have to, why do I have to do this too? Yes, I'm being whiny, and selfish, but how much am I really supposed to take? I am not as strong as you think, and I don't want to be.

I am stumbling.

A post about Seth?

Ok, you're not going to believe this, but I am about to post about Seth. On his own blog.

I know, I know, pick your jaw up off the floor.

Our little one year old just can't seem to catch a break. Last week, he went in for his one year old check up where we learned he had an ear infection, some big breathing issues, and had lost a pound. Oh, and they checked his iron and it turns out he's severely anemic, even though he's been on prescription iron for a couple months.

Ugh! Just when I thought he was out of the woods.

We went in today for his recheck before we start our round of specialist visits, and his Doctor immediately started stressing because of how pale he was. She said his hands weren't doing something they should have when she did something to them (I know, very technical). They should have been pinking up when she did something, and they didn't. She wanted to do a blood draw so that they could do a bunch of tests. I agreed, but mentioned that he's a very hard stick. She said she'd send in the nurse that was best at blood draws.

That kicked off 30 minutes of a frantically screaming baby, an agitated nurse, and a really sad Mama. This nurse has a ton of experience with people with bad veins, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get a vein with Seth. He was literally inconsolable. He started crying as soon as we laid him on the table, and continued even after she let me hold him while she searched. I showed her the place they finally got an IV on when he was in the hospital in June, but she couldn't see anything there. Or anywhere else, for that matter. So after all that torture, they weren't able to get blood, and we have to go to the hospital tomorrow to try again. It's so frustrating to have to hold your child down while he's screaming and scared.

So tomorrow we're off to the Pulmonologist to see what he thinks about Seth's airway issues, and on Monday we head back to the doctor who did Seth's CI surgery to talk about whether Seth's current tubes, which are packed with blood from his surgery, are doing him more harm than good. It's looking like he may be getting them replaced.

As far as the weight gain issue, I'm at a loss. Seth eats a TON of food. He loves to eat. Problem is, he doesn't want to drink anything. Well, anything from a cup. He is still of the opinion that he doesn't do cups of bottles, and while we've had a little success with a couple of sippies and whole milk, he really just wants to nurse. I'm thrilled to have made it to a year nursing him, especially considering this pregnancy, and I know lots of people nurse through pregnancy, so at this point I don't mind it, but he needs to start bulking up.

Anyway, Seth could use your prayers this week as we try to get to the bottom of these issues. I know none of them are too bad, but his first year was rough enough. I want him to be healthy and happy for his second year.

One step forward, two steps back

Update: If you asked me a question in the comments, I probably answered you! =)

Our houseguests left today, and it was super sad. We've really enjoyed them being here. Now it's back to life at home on our own. We've been so blessed by family and friends, and by the community of families from Ava's school, and I can't even put into words how much that means.

I've had what you might call a little setback here. I was feeling a lot better, more upbeat, ready to tackle this new normal, ready to forge ahead with this new relationship with John as coparents. I was even beginning to think we could be friends, be friendly. I still don't want a divorce, but I thought we could work on our platonic relationship and worry about the rest later. I was apparently jumping the gun, and am paying the consequences to myself for getting my hopes up.

I read every comment and take them very seriously. For those of you who were asking if I had taken the revelations I have had about my part in all of this and how I can see our marriage improving, yes I have. I have asked for forgiveness without qualification for several things, without even addressing his actions.

Belive me, if I thought writing him love letters would fix this, I would do it. But every time I make an effort, it's almost like he pities me for not "getting" that he doesn't want me. Besides, he reads this website and misconstrues almost everything I write, so when I write a post that is actually kind to him, he comes out thinking that I am villifying him. I really can't win.

As for the comments urging me to accept donations...thank you for thinking of us. I am floored that any of you would want to help a stranger in these economic times. But what we need is prayer. I mean, I'll be honest...we are in financial trouble, but I do not think it is in anyone's best interest to give to us when there are so many people worse off. We've already been so blessed, especially by all of you who participated in Seth's fundraiser, buying a bracelet, and helping him receive his cochlear implants. There have been too many scary things happening in the blog world, and I do not want to act in any manner that would cast my family in any light that would seem self serving or dishonorable. So if you'd like to do something for us, your prayers are what I covet.

So now, I am evaluating the situation the kids and I are in, and trying to make choices and decisions that are in our best interests. It's looking like foreclosure of our home is going tobe something we cannot avoid, although I will do and am trying everything in my power to keep my kids in their home. They are unraveling, and the last thing they need is a move on top of everything else. They are struggling so much more than they were just a couple of weeks ago, and I'm not sure what to do. I try to be open with them when they ask questions, and always portray John in the best light possible. The hard thing is that since I am here and he is gone, they both assume that I made him go. It is very hard to listen to them ask me why I would make him do this.

Of course, I would do almost anything to rebuild our relationship, but not just for the kids. While they would benefit greatly from our marriage improving, I truly do love my husband and want to help him. But right now, that's not in my power. So we'll keep trucking along.

But to end on a cute note, Seth is doing the most adorable cell phone routine. He'll grab my phone, hold it to his ear, and say "Hewoo!" then babble incoherently, say "bye bye!" and slam the phone down. Then we do it all over again about 50 times. It's great.

Oh, and one more thing! Whoever left me the awesome gift on my porch of a new hair straightener and candy, I love you! Thank you so much! I have been desperate. I lost my straightener....looks like I left it in California, and it has just been one more thing to make me sad. =) Yes, I'm shallow. So whoever you are, you're the best and so kind. You made my night!

Edited to Add: I totally forgot to mention the new commenting system I switched to. I'm sure you've seen it out there on other blogs, but the reason I made the change is that I noticed there was a lot of dialogue going on in the comments, which was awesome! This way, you can reply right to a comment you want to respond to, or even just "like" it if you totally agree. I also love that now I can reply right to your comments so hopefully I'll miss less of your awesome questions!

I hope you'll give it a try with me. =)

Back in the day

Back in the day, I could pull an all nighter and work all day without even blinking. I did it for close to a month straight once. Apparently at 27 I do not have the same gift.

Logan and I stayed up until about 5 this morning talking. All three kids got up at eight. When I heard them, I lurched out of bed and immediately almost lost my balance. Not my finest moment.

If I didn't know for a fact that I had nothing but water to drink last night, I would have been convinced I was hung over. It was horrible. My head was so fuzzy, I had to bribe Jace and Ava with two pop tarts apiece if they would go play in their room. I woke up to feed Seth breakfast and then stuck him on the floor encircled by toys and called it a day, forcing myself to open my eyes to check on him every few minutes. It was not pretty. I still feel like I drank a bottle of wine last night, that wine I can never drink again because of last New Year's Eve.

Logan and Jacob are leaving tomorrow, and I am going to miss them terribly. Even in light of all that's going on, we have had a great visit and the house is going to be very empty without them. I told them both just to get jobs here and stay for the rest of the summer, but they didn't think that was really doable. Losers.

Because seriously, what's more entertaining than communicating by facebook even though you're sitting across the room from each other? I am going to miss tormenting him mercilessly with inside jokes that make no sense to anyone else except for the three of us.

Jake Rose is preparing himself for a long night

Yesterday at 9:31pm · Comment · Like

Logan Eve

you sound sooo....excited ;)

Yesterday at 9:37pm

Jake Rose

im very excited, gonna be a good time, you dont even know...

Yesterday at 9:38pm

Ellyn Meinzer McCall

We want to go too. If we wear disguises and pretend we don't know you guys at all, that'll work, right? We'll only communicate with you across the room by waves in morse code.

Yesterday at 9:56pm · Delete

Jake Rose

right, good plan. the two person wave. lets see here, how many people does it take to do the wave? apparently two... logan you can go disguised as a 165 lb woman with blue eyes...oh wait, sorry, thats not a disguise

Yesterday at 9:57pm

Ellyn Meinzer McCall

I won't even let her dance. AT ALL.

Yesterday at 9:57pm · Delete

Jake Rose

i dont think anyone would want to see that on the dance floor...

Yesterday at 9:58pm

Ellyn Meinzer McCall

ADDITION TO MY LAST COMMENT: Except, of course, for doing The WAVE.

Yesterday at 9:58pm · Delete

Ellyn Meinzer McCall

I want to teach you the cha cha slide, Jacob!!!!!!!! It's imperative for our bonding experience.

Yesterday at 10:00pm · Delete

Jake Rose

im very aware of the cha-cha slide. i believe that it would be a detriment to what you call bonding

Yesterday at 10:01pm

Ellyn Meinzer McCall

NEVER. The Cha Cha slide is the bread and butter of a true bonding experience. If we all got out there and cha cha'd it up, it would probably solve all of our problems. You heard me! Less talk, more line dance.

Yesterday at 10:02pm · Delete

Jake Rose

yeah who needs real conversation and quality time when you can line dance the night away...

Yesterday at 10:03pm

Ellyn Meinzer McCall

I knew you'd come around to my way of thinking eventually. ;)

Yesterday at 10:07pm · Delete

Jake Rose

the best part of this is that we are all 10 feet away from each other

Yesterday at 10:07pm

Ellyn Meinzer McCall

You just broke the fourth wall! You NEVER break the fourth wall!

Yesterday at 10:08pm · Delete

Now, I'm off for a nap!

Girl's Night- Boot Scoot Boogie

Logan and I headed out for a very fancy girls night out last night. I'm sure you can picture us, painting the town of Oldsmar, or Palm Harbor, or Tampa (the city limits all blur together here) red. Speaking of picture, this is going to have to count as my 14 week belly shot, k? Thanks.

Jacob spent Thursday night shooting pool with John and catching up, so when he offered to hang out with the kids last night so Logan and I could get out, we jumped at the chance. We started out strong with a trip to Chili's to eat our very favorite Chocolate Molten Cake, and had a surprisingly fun time there chatting and joking around.

Then we headed out to do some line dancing. It had been a while (read: never) since I'd been lind dancing, but I figured it could be fun...and we were overwhelmed immediately. How do people memorize eighty completely different dances, and how do they know which dance to do with which song? We observed for a while, but of course the longer we sat the more we became sitting ducks for ever "cowboy" in the joint (I use the term loosely...I asked one of them if there was any country around here and he said "Yeah, country BARS!" They don't even pretend to actually be country). So then we decided to join in and man, it is hard work! I was exhausted and I thought those songs were never going to end. I tended to fake left when I should have gone right, and I felt vaguely as if there was a playbook that everyone else had seen that I had missed. Luckily, they played the Cupid and Cha Cha slids, which I do know, and I was able to salvage my reputation.

It's going to sound strange, but I cannot tell you how nice it was to get out of the house without one single kid (except Logan, of course). I didn't realize how shut in I felt until I got out. Just going out, bothering to look put together, and people watching was lots of fun and a huge morale booster for me. I felt like me again. Like I was real, like I had a theme song again.

I have to say that I can see how John could have gotten started on this path without me. I know lots of people go out after work at his restaurant, and I'm sure it started out like that and he had more fun than he thought he'd have. That probably led to more and more, and he never told me he was doing anything because he thought I'd disapprove. I wish he had told me...I don't know what my reaction would haveb been, but I would like to think I would have been open to him going out sometimes, especially if I could have come along. Sometimes you can get in a rut of taking care of the kids, waking up with the baby, so on and so forth, and I was very verbally against going out because I thought it was unnecessary and silly. Since he knew that's what I thought, I guess he just never wanted to tell me about what he was doing because I would have disapproved.

But last night made me realize that, while unnecessary and silly, going out dancing was fun, and that every once in a while it's nice not to be the mother of four, but to remember how to be Ellyn. It was interesting to me, though, because while I had a lot of fun with Logan, I couldn't help but keep thinking how much fun it would have been if things were different and my husband were with me, too. When he is out without me, does he compare the other people to me? Does he think of me at all? I remember when we used to go out and have fun together, and I miss that. I was just so stuck in that rut I was talking about that I forgot we ever had fun together at all. I remember on Father's Day, he suggested going bowling, and all I could picture were balls dropping on kids' toes, balls rolling the wrong direction, the fit Jace would throw when things didn't go his way. It seemed like way too much work to every be fun. Like lots of things, if I had just pushed through it, we could have had fun. Instead, I vetoed his idea and pushed for mine, which turned out to be no fun at all.

It's so important, and I get this now, to remember that the kids aren't the center of everything. When I was so focused on getting Seth everything he needed, I forgot that. I forgot I was anything at all but Seth's mom...I forgot a was a wife, a daughter, a friend...I forgot I was even a person, who has actual needs and wants and desires outside her children. I figured since I felt that way, John did too, and I forgot about ever doing anything for us at all, thinking that after the kids, we could worry about those things.

It was a gross miscalculation, and not just for my marriage, but for myself. I'm only 27 years old! I love my children more than anything, but I was so depressed, even before this all happened with John. I remember sitting talking to him and telling him how horrible I felt, hopeless, like there was nothing for me to look forward to, even though I loved my kids so much. I remember begging him "I just don't feel like anyone likes me. Can you act like you like me?" Of course he didn't know what to do, and maybe he was feeling the same way, I was just unable to see it, and he didn't tell me.

I have always been one of the worlds biggest supporters of stay at home moms. I think the job is amazing and so important. But my kids have only had babysitters a handful of times in five years. While we still had a great time with our kids, and did lots of things with friends and family bringing our kids along, I should have made alone time more of a priority instead of refusing offers of help. I wish I had. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten so depressed, felt so alone. My husband was right there next to me, but he felt so far away. It's so bittersweet to me that so many things are clear to me now that he's gone, when it feels like it's too late to fix them.

I do know this. Regardless of John, regardless of me being pregnant, regardless of the kids, I will not make the same mistake for myself again. I am telling you all this now, so that you can hold me accountable. I do matter. I do get to do things without kids, and I will. Being pregnant does not sentence me to a life at home doing nothing but waiting for this baby to be born. I want to enjoy my life, not just my childrens'.

Love it.

Have I ever told you all the passion with which I love So You Think You Can Dance? Oh my goodness. I refused to push my baby out until the winner had been crowned last year. Seriously.

And this week? Katie Holmes is on. Katie Holmes is another thing I love. I don't even care that she married Tom Cruise. I kind of like how crazy he is about her. I grew up on Dawson's Creek...it started sometime around my freshman year of high school and I was obsessed with it. I would watch it every week, tape it (on VHS!), and rewatch it a million times. Because I was so anal, while taping the show, I would hit "stop" as soon as the show went to commercial and then hit "record" again when I sensed it was returning. I needed to watch it without distractions.

My best friend did not share my Dawson's Creek love, but when I found a guy in our high school that reminded me SO much of Dawson, I made her sit and watch it with me. She was unmoved, but for the record, I'll state that after the series ended, she became obsessed as well and now owns the whole series. She always comes around to my point of view eventually. =)

I'll say it now, I am and will always be a Pacey supporter. I found Dawson condescending and smug and Pacey...oh my goodness, I could have killed Joey for all the times she ran away from the boy. The series finale made me so freaking happy I cannot even tell you. Except the part where Jen died. That killed me. KILLED me!

Anyway, I love me some Pacey, and to this day I will watch anything with Joshua Jackson in it happily and without complaint. But I loved the whole show. When I was younger I loved to use big words. I read voraciously and used words no one else my age used. I overanalyzed everything like crazy. When DC came on the air, I had never seen anything like it. It felt like it was real, like it could be my life. The only other show I remember having such a visceral reaction to is My So Called Life. Man.

I should get back to actually watching SYTYCD instead of just writing about it. I love it. Love Cat. And Ellen Degeneres is on! She is one funny chick.

Have a great evening!

Whistle while you work

It's been really nice having the kids here. They arrived after the kids went to bed last night, and this morning Ava came into my room and said "Did you know that there are people in the living room?" I looked at her and said "There are?!" She smiled and said "Yep, and I know who they are! It's Logan and Jacob!"

Today I managed to keep them quiet until 8:15, when they just couldn't take it anymore and they woke up Jake and Logan and began playing immediately. I went to an OB appointment and left the kids home with them, and when I got back they were all laying on the floor, playing together.

I'm still processing a very long conversation I had with my OB today, where I got an unexpected and lengthy lecture from him about what we've already been through together (he delivered Eli and Seth) and just how high risk my pregnancy is. I mentioned in passing trying to find a job to help pay for bills and he stressed very highly that he thought that was a very, very bad idea. In fact, he kind of nixed it altogether. He said several times that for the duration of this pregnancy, my main focus has got to be getting this baby here safely and, well, alive, especially considering there are already three kids at home to take care of. It was very surprising to me, as I've literally never known him to string so many words together in a row. Mara and I have always secretly thought he was a robot, so to see him voicing actual feelings and emotions instead of simply medical facts and figures was sort of astounding.

It's really frustrating to feel like you have no choice about anything in your life. It's like everyone is making every choice I have for me. It's been decided my marriage is over, and no one asked me. It's been decided I can't work to try to help assuage our money situation, and I am afraid I am just going to look lazy or like I want a handout, which isn't the case. Raising kids is hard, hard work, and it's not the same thing as sticking them in front of a television set. Problem is, you don't get paid for it, and because of that, people don't tend to realize what an important job it really is.

I wish I could just wake up and find out none of this had really happened. Instead, I have dreams where my family is intact and when I wake up, I have to remember it's not reality. John was here tonight to see the kids and all 7 of us  were eating dinner together, and it all seemed so normal...almost like any night there was a group of us talking and laughing and eating.

Logan and I got out for some girl time and it was so nice, then we came home and John and Jacob were playing Wii...it was like any day back in March when they visited for spring break.For a minute it was like nothing had changed.  But the difference was, we walked in the door, and John walked out. It's just still hard to get used to, even though I am adjusting to it whether I like it or not. I no longer expect him to show up unexpectedly, bursting to tell me he's realized something important, I am now surprised if the phone rings and it is him, rather than being surprised that he doesn't call. It seems that it's true...you really can get used to anything.

I've started to think, what is going to happen to me if/when this is all over? Who is going to be interested in someone with four kids to take care of? Why would anyone else want to be with me? Will I ever want to be with someone else? Will I ever be able to believe someone could love my children like their own? Could I ever love someone else's children like my own? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't think I could ever stand having a different last name from my kids. But do I, in the end, want to be alone forever? The days are ticking by. I thought I would never survive three days, and here we are, almost three weeks later. Will three years pass as quickly?

I should be playing wii instead of thinking about this stuff. Yes. Definitely.

Quick!

The day has gotten away from me, so this will have to be one of those bullet pointed posts I hate. 

• My cousin Logan and a family friend, Jacob decided on the spur of the moment to drive down to Florida to visit me! I am so excited! Logan is one of Seth's godmothers and my sweet first cousin who I spent a few weeks with earlier this summer. They should be here any minute!
• I found my glasses! Unfortunately, when I found them, the other earpiece had been broken off and they were chewed up beyond recognition. That would be puppies for you. Or children. I'm not sure who it was. But they're definitely ruined. 
• I love Jello pudding, but not the instant kind. I like the skin on the kind you have to cook and I cook myself some almost every night, after the kids go to bed so I don't have to share. 
• Ava just said "Check this out! I'm building a contraption." 
• I think I can officially say that Seth is crawling on hands and knees, belly off the floor! Very exciting. 
• Speaking of Seth, he is more sick than we realized. Prayers would be appreciated. I took him in for his 12 month well check and he's lost almost a pound, is severely anemic, even though he's on prescription iron, has an ear infection, and is showing signs of the breathing problems we went through last month. I couldn't hear the stridor, but as soon as his doctor put the stethescope to his chest, she shook her head. He'll be seeing a pulmonologist soon to see what's going on. The ear infection is worrisome because with kids who have CI's, due to the surgery, there is a much larger window for infection to get through the inner ear to the brain, resulting in bad stuff like meningitis. Seth has tubes, but they're completely occluded by blood, so they're hurting us instead of helping. He got a shot of steroids for his breathing today and is starting on some very high dose antibiotics and we're hoping that will get him going in the right direction. I feel terrible...he didn't seem that sick. I guess I've been distracted and didn't pick up on the signs. 
• I can't thank you all enough for being so nice to me in your emails and comments. I have gotten several emails and comments that have literally brought me to my knees in prayer, either thanking God  for putting someone who could say just that thing to me, or praying for all of your situations you've been so kind to share with me. Please continue to do so...I feel honored to pray for you all as you've prayed for us. 

Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday! Tomorrow is 14 weeks for me...I'll have to take another picture to commemorate it. 

Cake: An Exploration

Seth's thoughts on cake. Forgive his looking a little peaked...he wasn't feeling great on his birthday and is still under the weather.

Self Image

It's so funny, the way I feel about myself right now. As if 5 years of pregnancy wasn't enough to make you question your looks and physique (although, I guess the plus would be that I apparently looked decent enough to keep getting knocked up...small consolation), finding out your husband has become interested in someone else is kind of the death knoll to feeling good about your body image. I mean, I know in my head that this didn't happen because I wasn't pretty enough, or in good enough shape. I get that, as these things go, I've been very blessed to be able to still be the same size I was before my first baby. But in my heart, I feel ugly.

Which is interesting, because I had a rough time in middle school...I was gangly, awkward, I would literally spend nights praying that my legs would be less skinny, or my hair would behave itself, or that I would, at some point, have boobs. Let me tell you, it wasn't looking promising.

Finally, towards the end of high school, my prayers were answered and the tables turned for me, and by the time I graduated, confident would have been too kind a word for how I viewed myself. I knew that I was pretty, I knew the guys liked me, and I took advantage of that whenever possible.

Looks were a huge part of my life. In college, I worked for Abercrombie & Fitch, and before I knew it I was a manager. I can't even tell you the ego boost that gave me...to be in charge of the store that hired people based on looks. I was incredibly young to be in charge of anyone, and most of the kids I hired as reps were my own age. The other managers in the store were all older than I was. It was a heady, and difficult position. I had to be very, very firm to get anything done. To put it bluntly, I had to be a bitch if I wanted anyone to listen.

One day I was conducting a group interview, and a couple of guys came waltzing in wanting jobs. One was a total surfer boy and I knew he'd have more luck at Hollister. The other was tall, dark, and handsome, perfect for my store. Beyond that cursory examination, I didn't pay either one much attention. They were both hired on and started working at both my store and Hollister, and they were like most of the other 18-19 year olds at the store. They thought they were much better looking than they were, and they had terrible pick up lines.

They both made it a point to hit on me whenever possible, but the tall, dark one was the worst. He would think of any excuse to bother me, telling me "I just had to come down one more time so I could see those beautiful eyes." He offered to work when and wherever, and started working a lot of overnights with us, when we rearranged the store into the early morning hours. He was tenacious, and annoying.

One night, I was dressing a form (mannequin) on a table, and he came up to me as a song began playing inthe store. "Do you know this song?" He asked me. It was John Mayer's Your Body is a Wonderland. I nodded my head, wondering why he wasn't working. "Well, I just learned to play it on the guitar, and every time I do, I think about you." He said, very matter of factly.

"Can you go do some work, please?" I answered, shaking my head.

It didn't stop there. He informed me later that he was going to marry me, that I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, that it was just a matter of time. He knew he could get fired by dating me, so he was secretive. He gave me a blank post it note, telling me that it meant he was thinking of me, and from then on, everywhere I went were post its. I would walk into my office and find them plastered to the computer, the phone, the walls. I would go to my car and find them covering my windshield. Somehow,and to this day I have no idea how,  he wore me down, even though I had never before been tempted to date an employee.

Finally after a month or so, I caved, and we went on a date. That date stretched into a weekend, as we took off on the spur of the moment to take a road trip to Canada. And that...was all she wrote. I told my mom that he was the nicest guy I'd ever met. He told me he loved me after I passed the most important of his tests...whether or not his cat liked me. He made me feel pretty, gorgeous, special. I felt like, no matter what happened, no matter what we went through, that he would always, always love me.

It was serious from the beginning, and we were engaged the next year. We went through ups and downs, of course, but it all happened just like he said it would that night at the store. I married him on the beach at sunset, and he laughed as he very kindly said "I told you so!"

So the thing is, I know how good John can make someone feel. I know how I always felt around him, like he lived to make me feel good. Looking back at the past several months, I realize I haven't felt like that around him, and I was so busy I didn't notice, or thought he was tired, or that we'd been married a while. I tried not to let it bother me. Not I get it more...that you can really only make one person feel that special, and he was making someone feel that way, just not me.

It's funny, because before he came along, I felt great about myself. His attention just made me feel even better, like I was perfect. His leaving shouldn't have taken my self esteem, but it has. I can't help thinking  what if he doesn't come back? Who will want me? It's silly, because I don't want anyone but him, but still, I think...my goodness, I would send guys running the other direction! I am 27 years old and I feel like I'll never be attractive again. That might be the worst part about this whole thing. I know I've always put too much emphasis on looks, and maybe this is teaching me a lesson. I don't know. But my husband always made me feel beautiful, and it feels like when he left he took that with him, too.

I completely understand if you all start dropping like flies. I know I am depressing and very one note right now. If you have suggestions for something else to write about, let me know and I'll do it. When my mind is left to wander, though, this is where I end up. Thanks for putting up with me.