Profoundly Seth: Here's to transparency

Here's to Transparency

Wednesday, July 8, 2026

I had not planned to share this, but there is no reason to hold it back any longer. It is painful, it is messy, and sitting here in this moment I am not sure how I will get through it. My husband has left me. Since Eli's death, through my pregnancy with Seth, and during Seth's difficult beginning, we have carried an enormous amount of strain. I was distracted. I was grieving. I believed our marriage was solid enough to set aside until we had mourned our son and gotten Seth the care he needed. I was wrong.

Right now I am not sure how I will make it through the next ten minutes, let alone the next ten days. I am heartbroken, alone, and deeply exhausted. Please understand that this is not written to speak badly of John or to gather sympathy. This blog has always been a lifeline for me, and I am reeling, unsure what to say or do. I am praying hard, yet I feel very abandoned. The hardest part is that if he walked through the door this moment, I would be overjoyed to see him — and after everything he has said and done, that leaves me feeling ashamed. I was willing to do anything to repair our marriage, and he has chosen not even to try.

Posted by El at 9:13 PM

A Note of Thanks

UPDATE 7/9: I cannot express how much your comments and emails have meant to me. Since I began writing about Seth and our family, this blog has become like a first church to me — everyone has come together to counsel, to help, and simply to be present as we have walked through this year with Seth. Thank you for doing the same for us once again. You are all so valued, more than I can explain. The kids and I are lying low today to recharge, so please do not be offended if I do not reply right away. I have read every email and every comment, and they mean the world to me. Thank you.

Reader Comments

Sew a Fine Seam (Jill) said...

I'm so sorry, El. I will be praying for all of you. July 8, 2026 at 9:41 PM

Sherri said...

Oh El, I am so very sorry. I wish I could say I don't understand how you feel, but my first husband left me when Dylan was only 7. He fell into drugs and alcohol, which cost us our home, vehicles, and business, and he was arrested and ended up in rehab. That was when he decided a relationship with someone else in rehab mattered more than mending his marriage. I thought I would die. He was my lifemate, and I did take him back after rehab, but he was only using me until she got out. It hurt so much that many days the only reason I got out of bed was that Dylan needed me, and I had to work to support us. But I grew to lean on Jesus like never before — you never realize how much you need Him until He is all you have, and then you realize He is all you need. When I accepted he wasn't coming back, I prayed God would someday bless me with another partner who would put God above all else, and not only did God bring me my husband Paul, who is all that and more, but He blessed us with a son — I never thought I would have more children because Dylan has such high needs. I'm sorry for the long message, but I really wanted you to know I am here if you want to talk. We have talked before about implants and deafness because of our sons, but unfortunately I have some experience with a husband leaving as well. I will be lifting your family in prayer and praying that John has a revelation that this is not God's will for him. Email me if you ever want to talk. I am so sorry. Praying, Sherri (Dylan's mom) July 8, 2026 at 9:50 PM

Anonymous (Christina) said...

El, I visit your blog often but rarely comment. I want you to know I am praying for you and your children. I pray God will strengthen you to be the rock for your family and also give you peace to deal with all that may come. I know it is hard when you want to feel the blessing of the child within you but are struggling with the world around you. We, as a blog community, will be there to support you on this journey, through the pain, suffering, frustration, and joys. I am praying for you, Christina July 8, 2026 at 10:05 PM

Debbie said...

Oh honey, I am so saddened to hear this. The Lord can and will get you through this, just as He has with everything else. I will be praying extra hard for you and your children. Congrats on the newest one. July 8, 2026 at 10:08 PM

Cathy said...

Sending thoughts and prayers for you as you go through this horrible time and beautiful time. Congratulations on your precious new life! I am so sorry. July 8, 2026 at 10:19 PM

Claudia said...

Dear El, I don't know you and you don't know me. I can't even remember how I came across your blog, but I have been reading it for several months now. I have never commented before, but this last post just broke my heart. I felt compelled to tell you how sorry I am about what you are going through right now. Please know that I am praying for you and your sweet family. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now, but perhaps it will help to know that people care. I do hope things work out and your family will be whole again. It's not impossible. With God's help it may happen. Please lean on Him — He is there for you and with you. I am praying for you to feel His presence. Again, so sorry for what you are going through. Stay strong! July 8, 2026 at 10:35 PM

Curdie said...

El, I'm so sorry. There are so many marriages breaking up at our church that it has become an epidemic. I'm praying for you and I hope that the miraculous happens. July 8, 2026 at 10:38 PM

Allegra Mooney said...

I'm a reader who came a little late to Seth's story. I understand all too well where you are, in the midst of it myself. Just take this stage breath by breath. Never forget that God's loving arms are surrounding you at every moment, as are our prayers. July 9, 2026 at 12:10 AM

edbteach said...

Thinking of you El. Please let us know how you are doing. July 9, 2026 at 12:10 AM

Jennifer said...

I can't even express how sorry I am to hear this news. I'm really hurting inside for you. I have no words that will make your situation any better, but I just want you to know I'm thinking about you and praying for you and your family. July 9, 2026 at 12:11 AM

Rose said...

Oh I am so so sorry. I can't imagine what you must be going through. You are in my prayers, daily. July 9, 2026 at 12:11 AM

Kandis said...

I am soooo sorry to hear about what you are going through! I have a cousin who just recently went through the same thing — she had 4 kids and was pregnant with the 5th when her husband decided he didn't want to do it anymore either. Some of the things you expressed here are some of the same things she said. I contacted her and gave her your blog address and think you both could help each other right now! I will pray for you and for what is best for your family! July 9, 2026 at 12:13 AM

Anonymous said...

Oh El! First off, congrats on the pregnancy! I'm so sorry you and John are struggling right now. I will definitely be praying that he is willing to hear God and come back to his family. Thanks so much for trusting us with this news. Please know we are all supporting you and loving you through this trial. You have been through soooo very much. You are strong. Hang in there girl! HUGS July 9, 2026 at 12:17 AM

Jennifer W. said...

I am so sorry. I don't know what else to say. I will pray for you! I pray God will bring peace to you and your family. Jen July 9, 2026 at 12:24 AM

Jennifer W. said...

I also meant to congratulate you on the new baby. God's timing is so strange sometimes, but always perfect even when we can't understand. I know that's probably not much comfort right now, and I don't imagine there's much we could say to comfort you, but know that we are here and we are praying. Jen July 9, 2026 at 12:42 AM

Anonymous said...

I'm a frequent reader, never a commenter — I just wanted to say I'm so sorry. But also, congratulations on your little baby! I'm thinkin