Profoundly Seth: Personality Plus

Personality Plus: A Hard Day and a Heavy Diagnosis

Today was one of those days that weighs on you. During a therapy session, my counselor handed me a quiz and, within moments, labeled me "severely depressed" — landing just below clinically depressed on the scale and just above a term I must have blocked out because it sounded so grim. I stared at her for a moment as she said the word, then asked, "I mean, yeah... is that surprising, given everything going on?" She looked back and admitted, "Well, no, of course not." I almost wish I had never taken that test. Now that a professional has named it, the weight of it feels more real than ever.

But how else am I supposed to feel? I went from talking with John ten times a day and waiting up for him on the couch each night to hearing nothing at all unless he is texting about the kids. I miss him, no matter what has happened, and that missing makes me deeply sad. Severely sad, apparently.

The Little Things I Wish We Could Still Share

It is funny, the small and inconsequential things I wish I could do with him. John and I have watched nearly every Harry Potter film together, and even though I am supposed to see the newest one with friends, I cannot bring myself to go without him. I want him beside me, sharing our HP obsession. Our wedding anniversary was last Tuesday, and we spent it in marriage counseling — before he decided he no longer wanted counseling at all. Yet before all of this, he had planned an anniversary date: babysitters for all three kids (something that has not happened since Seth was born, since we usually bring him along) and a reservation at my favorite restaurant. I was so excited for that evening, and I feel cheated out of it — cheated out of our anniversary entirely.

I want to go bowling, the way we used to every Monday night. I want to stay up talking on the phone until dawn, like we did before cell phones, when he would call from a Walmart payphone and we would talk into the wee hours. I want to go to IHOP with him. I want to play skee ball with him. He has someone to do all of those things with now, someone to talk to, while I am here simply wishing he would talk to me.

Why I Still Believe in Marriage

I know it may sound silly given the circumstances, and maybe I should be angry and hate him. But I believe in marriage. I believe I have a responsibility not only to John but to God to remember why I married him and what our marriage is truly for. Being respectful of his feelings even in the face of what he is doing — loving and missing him even when he is not doing the same for me — is part of how I honor God. I know many of you will disagree, thinking I am trying to be a martyr, and that is okay.

But here is the big but: how can you stay severely depressed when you have the many faces of this adorable boy to marvel at? Just four days until my baby boy turns one year old!

Posted by El at 8:54 PM · Labels: marriage, Pictures

Reader Comments

Mommy3

You are unbelievably strong — stronger than I think I would be. I am praying for you and your family, John included. I hope he realizes what he is doing and comes back to his family. He is hurting too, I suspect, and needs our prayers as well. I just wish I could do something to help. Too bad I am not in Florida, or I would come hang out and help with the kiddos. Hang in there, and let me know if there is something I can do. Hugs.

Emily

I cannot even imagine what you are going through, but I am so proud of you for standing up for your marriage and your husband despite everything. Marriage is a sacred institution that should be fought for and honored. Keep fighting, El. No matter what, do not give up. I pray God gives you strength to get through this, and when you feel alone, cling to Him.

Claudia

I do not know you, but I have been following your blog and feel so badly for you. Of course you are depressed — you are mourning. I believe you are doing the right thing by continuing to honor your marriage. You made a vow, for better or worse, and even though John appears to have forgotten it, you have not. I will keep praying that he wakes up and realizes he belongs with you and your beautiful children. It is not impossible. People are praying for you, even people you do not know. In the meantime, I hope you find a way to smile each day — just looking at Seth would bring a smile to most faces, and your other beautiful children too. Do not beat yourself up for being depressed; it is perfectly normal to feel that way right now. Stay strong and feel God's love.

Unknown

It is not silly at all, and do not worry about those who disagree — there will always be differences of opinion. What matters is that you are surrounded by His love and the unconditional love of your children. Let them remind you that even though John is not there physically, he lives within them. Maybe now is a good time to start new traditions and new memories until you get out of this rut. I was diagnosed with manic depression and recurring panic attacks, which basically meant I was somewhat bipolar, and I have dealt with it for fifteen years, on and off medication. The key is learning to cope and remembering that even a glimpse of happiness through your children's eyes is worth holding onto, because that will carry you through the minutes, hours, days, and months ahead. Hang in there — hugs and prayers. I am always here.

Rachel

El, I am praying for you — for peace and comfort in your heart and for a miracle in John's. I am praying the kids are protected as much as possible through this, and for the sweet baby in your belly, because he or she is a gift and a blessing no matter the circumstance. Remember that the Lord has a plan for your life and is not surprised by this. He knows. I pray that comforts you. Keep being vulnerable and open so we can pray specifically for you. You are loved and a blessing to so many. I am bathing you in prayer. Your friend, Rachel.

edbteach

Please take care of yourself. Of course you are depressed. Keep doing whatever you need to do to feel better.

Lois

I am not sure if I have commented before, but I have followed your blog for a while and felt compelled to respond tonight. I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I am praying for you and your whole family, John included. I do not think you are crazy for wanting to stay true to your marriage vows. Marriage is sacred, and divorce makes God sad, so you are honoring God by honoring your marriage. I am sorry John does not seem to feel that way right now, but many people are praying for a miracle in his heart. I hope you can smile when you look into the eyes of your beautiful babies and that it eases even a little of your depression. Hang in there — you are one strong woman, and God will pull you through. — Lois

Mandy Hornbuckle

Sweet friend, I know you are not trying to be a martyr. I think you have exactly the right attitude about marriage. I pray John will see you as the respectful, Godly wife you are and evaluate his actions accordingly. I can only hope I will have the same attitude when things get tough in my own marriage — and they always do. Praying for you! P.S. I love me some Seth!

Audrey

This is sad. I hope he comes around.