Jace & Sara

Jace and Sara, one of his best friends, escaped into the field behind their preschool this morning. Her mom and I  tracked them by following Sara's very unique and singular voice calling Jace's name, as we reminded ourselves to get that priceless sound bite ("Jaceeeeey!) on tape soon. They started off frolicking across the field together, but then we noticed them getting a little squirelly.

After a mischievous glance back at us, Jace started running, and Sara...well, Sara started chasing him down. 

After some halfhearted games of chase, Jace let himself get "caught" and deigned to pose for a quick picture with Sara.

Apparently Sara wasn't thrilled with the expression on his face, so she started pouting, like girls do (Okay, not meaning to generalize...like I personally always did when boys didn't behave the way I liked).

After doing a great job practicing using the lip to get him to bend to her will, he managed to rustle up a more enthusiastic expression for the next photograph.

Are they not just the cutest things you've ever seen? What cracks me up the most is how adorable and little Sara is...they look like they have the same proportions as a grown up couple, which never fails to make me laugh.

I love that they have been friends literally since before they were born. I hope they stay friends for a long time!

Hope everyone has a wonderful Halloween and lots of fun sneaking their kids candy!

28 weeks Belly Shot

Hey, look! I finally got around to taking a picture for this week! Also, note the lovely artwork on the mirror. Isn't it impressive? I'm sure you can imagine how surprised and pleased I was to see it there this morning. That was fun. Then, it got even better. I found the same style of artwork on the window of the kids bedroom and on their ceiling. I tried halfheartedly to clean it all up, but it seemed to require too much elbow grease and so I just took the picture. I would think it was very cool if it was, you know, on a piece of paper instead of my bathroom mirror. But hey, at least it matched my shirt today!

Anyone have any tips on how to get crayon off mirrors? And walls? And while we're at it, what about sharpy marker? I found a spot the other day that won't come clean. I guess I might have to paint. Will magic eraser get the crayon off? Ugh.

Thanks for all of your sweet comments yesterday and today. Believe it or not, I do still praise God through my trials, but in my experience, it still helps to vent and blow off steam sometimes.

28 weeks, and lots of feelings.

Warning: I'm sad tonight.

I hit 28 weeks yesterday. That'a exciting; it means that even if the baby were born tomorrow, she would have a very good shot at not having any long term issues due to prematurity. By long term, of course, I mean lifelong...Seth was born at 34 weeks and at 15 months, he is still dealing with several issues due to his own premature delivery. Our goal, made with all of his doctors and therapists, is that he be caught up to other kids his age by his second birthday. I feel really, really good about his odds of making that goal. He is just growing by leaps and bounds lately.

Of course, after I get excited about making it to 28 weeks, it hits me that with Eli's pregnancy, I had already been on bed rest for seven weeks at this point, and at 30 weeks, I went to the doctor for a routine visit only to find out I was dilated to 4 centimeters. Straight to the hospital...do not pass Go, do not collect $200. The weeks I was in the hospital, listening to Eli's heart beat all day and all night, I remember I would stare at a painting on the wall of a mother lying in a hammock with her baby. I wondered if Eli would look like the baby in the painting. It was the only time in his short life I was able to focus completely on him, seeing as I was in the hospital doing a whole lot of nothing.

When I was 33 weeks, I was released from the hospital on strict bed rest and spent just about all of my time at my OB's office having nonstress tests and biophysical profiles. When I was 34 weeks and 6 days, I went into labor again, and before I left for the hospital, I begged John not to let them stop my labor again. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I felt like he had to get out.

Our hospital has a policy that they have to try to stop labor before 35 weeks. Even though I was only 24 hours shy of that mark, they gave me a very hard sell on how there was no choice. I felt overwhelmed and exhausted, and I felt like I would be endangering my baby if I turned down the medication. Three doses later and a long night spent in triage, and they sent me home. Later that day, I went into my doctor's office, and he passed another non stress test with flying colors. The doctor and nurses were so happy I had made it to 35 weeks...they told me that I could have him anytime, that they wouldn't stop labor again, that I had made it!

Eli died the next morning. Every single test came back negative. He was a completely healthy baby. If I had delivered him at 34 weeks 6 days, he would most likely have been fine.The theory (and it's just that...a theory) is that when my water broke that next morning, his cord was compressed against something and cut off his oxygen supply. When I took a quick shower that morning after I knew I was in labor, getting ready to go to the hospital, I felt him kick my hand. Just once, hard, on the left side of my stomach. Just then, I suddenly thought "He's saying goodbye." Then I scolded myself for being so morbid when I had to reason to think he wouldn't be just fine.

That was the last time he moved. I don't know if he died then, or if it was while John was running into Dunkin Donuts to get treats for the nurses, or when I was dropping Ava off with our friends. I do know that by the time I walked into the hospital, thrilled because I knew they wouldn't stop my labor this time, he was gone. When they put the monitor on my stomach, there was nothing there. They looked so hard, and once they thought they'd found his heartbeat, but it turned out that it was my own heartbeat, racing out of control. They called an ultrasound tech up to do a sonogram, and as soon as I saw the screen, I knew without a doubt he was gone. Of course, no one would say it, and I had to finally say "Can someone please tell me? I need someone to say it out loud."

The nurses were great. A doula whose whole job was to help us through our loss was given to us. We were given a room away from the labor and delivery unit, so I wouldn't have to hear the music every time a baby was born, or listen to other people's babies crying. While I was laboring, I heard John in the hallways making arrangements to have our son cremated. That afternoon, he was born, and the moment I felt his body leave mine I think I was broken. I still haven't decided whether that moment or the one when I had to put him down and watch them take him away for good was worse. Or maybe the moment John came home holding Eli's ashes in a small stone heart, when it hit both of us what cremation actually was, what his body had gone through to fit in such a small space. There is such a huge difference between knowing something logically and feeling it, and even when you know that your baby is in heaven, what happens to their bodies still feels so important.

I've told parts of this story before, and I've probably repeated things here. The thing is, in many ways our family has healed from Eli's death. We love him and miss him, but we function every day and we are happy. I don't feel guilty when I laugh or enjoy my other children, and sometimes I go days without thinking about him.   While my kids love him and talk about him all the time, they don't get sad when they talk about him like they used to. We have been blessed beyond measure and are, overall, a very happy family.

The thing is, I don't think I can go through it all again, especially without my husband. But I can't know that this baby is going to be okay. For our family, there is no safety zone, not until we hear those babies crying. And even then, with both Seth and Jace, things were very touch and go for a while. They both came close to dying. So the further along I get, the harder it gets for me to just enjoy being pregnant. I have to wonder if she is going to come too early, or die before she is born. I have to worry about whether she will have Respiratory Distress Syndrome like her brothers did, and how sick she will get before she gets better. I have to wonder whether every kick and roll I feel is the last, then I have to feel paranoid for feeling that way.

It's all such a gray area, having this baby. My OB and Perinatologist have to weigh very carefully how long we keep this baby in versus how long we let her stay in. If my water doesn't break this time at 34-35 weeks, like it has the last three times, how long is it safe to keep her inside, and when would she be better off facing a NICU stay than risking her dying in utero? There are no good answers, and so my doctor already talks as if she'll be born soon. I remember with Seth, his plan had been to deliver as close to 36 weeks as possible, watching him very closely for any signs of distress and delivering as soon as we saw any. Problem is, Eli didn't show any distress less than 24 hours before he died. It happened relatively quickly. So it's all so touch and go, and we have to read into almost every symptom, just trying to get a live baby here while balancing the pros and cons of whether being in or out is better for her.

Obviously it's not really up to us, and I have to leave it up to God. But even though it's all I can do, it's a very, very hard thing to actually follow through on. All mother's want to do is take care of their children, and I  already failed at that once. On top of that, because my stupid water has broken early every time, two of my sons have gone through NICU stays because I can't seem to stay pregnant. Once someone, who I think was trying to be nice, told me that I just seemed to be bad at pregnancy and I should probably stop having children.

I just want her to be safe, and healthy, and alive. I just want Eli to have been safe, and healthy, and alive, and here with me. I just want Seth to be okay, and for my other kids to be okay. And not one of those things are things I can make happen. I can't even hold my marriage together, for goodness sakes. Sometimes it just all feels like too much, and I just need to know what's going to happen so I can prepare myself.

This sucks. I hate not being in control. I hate knowing I can't keep my own kids, my own family safe and sheltered. I know we'll be okay, but that doesn't change the fact that this is all really hard. That sometimes, even though I know that I'm not alone, it still feels that way, and even though I know that if there is only one set of footprints, that I'm being carried...that I can't always feel His arms. I know it all, I do, but that doesn't change how it feels sometimes.

Tired

My great friend Lindsey (Ava's godmother) left today, after a whirlwind few days of fun. Of course, by fun, I mean "dragging Linds along with me and the kids as we go about our insanely hectic schedule." She was very sweet about it, though, although there's a good chance she's at home right now telling her husband to put the baby plans on hold for a little bit longer after being subjected to my kids for days.

All joking aside, we had a great visit, with lots of stories read by Aunt Windsey, silly jokes and watching movies, and, as always when any member of JELKS (my highschool club...very exclusive and super cool) is around, lots and LOTS of loud, loud laughter. When I am with them, everything is funny. Literally. Even things that have never been funny before and will never be funny again. I could give you examples, but...you wouldn't think they were funny. Believe me, they were. Hilarious.

Lindsey also got the pleasure of coming along to an OB appointment with me and holding Seth, who vehemently objected to being separated from his mother. He is going to have a big adjustment to make. Big. Huge. He is a spoiled little boy. At my appointment, a couple of issues came up, so we did a non-stress test while there, during which Seth insisted on laying on my belly the entire time and waving irritably at the monitor. Apparently the baby's heartbeat was annoying him. But how cool that he could hear the heartbeat well enough to be annoyed by it!

I had to go back to the OB today for another non stress test, and for now, everything is looking fine. It looks like it's time to up my quality time with Dr. G, though. I guess I knew it was coming...visiting once a week was frequent but doable, but adjusting to multiple visits in a week is going to be really tough with our schedule.

I'm just tired. I can't currently see my ankles due to swelling, and my legs hurt. I have yet to take a picture for this week because that would take effort. I want a nap about 9 am every morning. Out of nowhere I feel really, really pregnant. I feel cranky and short tempered, and very complainy. I feel fairly certain that I would be comfortable with camping out on the couch watching Days of Our Lives for the remainder of this pregnancy. Of course, that's just how I feel today...I'm hoping for a new burst of energy soon.

Anyway, this is a pointless post mainly to say that I'm tired and behind. If you have emailed me recently, I am working on it. I am way behind on answering emails and I promise, I will get there soon. Also, I am going to respond to the carseat questions on one of the last posts...I didn't forget you!

Hanging with Mickey

The kids were super excited about their trip to the Magic Kingdom. Ava insisted on a photo op in front of these pumpkins, which, she said, were much better than the pumpkins we carved because they won't rot. It's true...our pumpkins are already a black, moldy mess on our porch. Florida sucks sometimes. Also...the cold snap is over, if you couldn't tell.

Ava and Jace were big old fans of the 3-D glasses for Mickey's Philharmagic. Seth was also a huge fan...he put his on about fifty times and snapped them in two before the show even started. Every time he got them onto his face, he would bounce up and down excitedly then rip them off, and do it all over again. It was lots of fun, especially the first twenty times.

Jace was crazy about this elephant. He was convinced if he could somehow get up high enough, he could ride on it's back. I had to discourage that, seeing as it's a big shrub. He wasn't impressed.

This is Ava and Jace on the way into Snow White's Scary Adventure. That's why Ava looks a little manic...she was giving me a running commentary on all the scary things that were about to happen. I love how Seth looks like such a big boy hanging onto the bar.

All three kids got their very first pairs of Mickey Ears...if you can't tell, they chose and assembled them on their own. That's why they're ugly. Or unique. Whichever. If you know me you know it was a big leap for me to let them pick whatever they wanted without guiding their choices. The green ears glow in the dark, which they thought was the coolest thing in the entire world. And no, I don't know why Jace is being weird and grabbing his shorts. They were jumping up and down, he's a boy, I don't know. Weird.

But really, can you believe how big this boy is getting? He had the time of his life at Disney and he's just so cute I totally want to go wake him up right now just to cuddle with him. I won't, but I want to.

Permanent Residence: Couch

Wow. OK. Yeah. So if you can't tell from that last post, I didn't have the reorganizing out of my system like I thought I did. It culminated in a quick (hah!)  Ikea trip to pick up a few storage bins for Seth's toys so that they wouldn't take up an entire corner of my living room in all their primary colored glory. I think Ikea is designed so that you can't just go quickly and get what you need...it was over two hours of following the arrows and wishing monopoly money worked in that store. I love Ikea. If forced to choose between a day at Sea World or Ikea, I would choose Ikea, and I'd eat the meatballs for lunch. Yum.

I didn't resurface until about 11 o'clock Friday night, and then only because I was distracted by an impromptu Disney trip we had been blessed to get the chance to take the next day. I forced myself to stop scrubbing a baseboard and pack a bag for the kids for the morning, including enough snacks to feed a small army. So I didn't get to blog. I thought about blogging as I was cleaning my walls, but I couldn't type and clean at the same time.

We set off bright and early, with great intentions, but as always, we ran late, because that's what we do. That could be our motto, really. But finally, we got there and even a massive, award winning diaper blowout on Seth's part couldn't slow us down too much. Although it really did gross us out. Sidenote: It may be a bad idea to feed your child donut holes indiscriminately throughout an hour drive. Keep that in mind.

The day turned out great, which I wasn't sure would be the case, considering we were braving the Magic Kingdom on a Saturday. But Seth was entranced, he high fived everyone he saw very enthusiastically, and every ride was amazingly exciting to him. Ava and Jace were, as always, in love with the place, and had a great time, although I did have to promise Ava would would not ride the Pirates of the Caribbean next time, which will be a problem considering it was Jace's favorite ride. All in all, we left the park with  very few casualties; a sippy cup Seth hurled down the row of chairs in the Hall of Presidents, a Onesie that was not worth trying to save after another blowout, and a misplaced CI battery. Not bad for over ten hours in the park. The kids literally fell asleep on the shuttle back to the car, and believe me, that was a fun walk off the shuttle carrying Seth and shaking awake the other two. I knew we should have taken a stroller that folded more easily! We usually take the ferry and we never have to fold the stroller...let me tell you, if you had seen me chivvying to half asleep kids off the bus and carrying a baby under one arm and carrying a stroller in two separate pieces in the other, man oh man, would you have been impressed. I'm going to add it to my resume.

Of course, after a day of cleaning and a day of walking, I don't know if I'll get off my couch today. I was hoping the kids would sleep in this morning because of our late night last night, but it didn't turn out to be the case, although they are so tired and cranky it's not even funny. To their credit, though, the older kids did walk the entire day without ever complaining, which is amazing considering all of the 7,8, and 9 year olds we saw riding in strollers.

So now I am keeping the lights off and watching the kids play farm on the floor in front of me. Seth and Jace are becoming immensely competitive with each other, and it is both hilarious and a little frightening to watch. Oh, scratch that. Now Ava and Jace are putting on a show. We do a lot of shows around here.

So we're here, and alive, and getting ready for another few busy days, as my great friend and Ava's godmother Lindsey is in town! Sea World is on the agenda for tomorrow, and my legs may actually fall off. Fun!

Bedknobs and Broomsticks

Have you ever moved a piece of furniture...maybe just to sweep behind it, and suddenly become overwhelmed with the possibilities of a slight furniture rearrangement?

Of course, by slight I mean your whole evening is suddenly gone because before you could rearrange the furniture you had to pick up the room, and then move around some random stuff so that you could get an idea of what it would look like without, say, that random tote full of purses that has taken up permanent residence on your bedroom floor? Then you move around some other things, because when in Rome, you know? But when you move said furniture, you just find more things you have to throw away/put away/sort through, and then you're sitting on the floor and reading through a birthday card from 2005 and when you look around, it turns out that you totally succeeded if the theme you were going for in the rearrangement was "post-tornado." But you have to stop, because the light bulb in the ceiling fan is burnt out and no matter what you do you cannot find a light bulb that is the correct size.

Yeah. Me neither.

And because I was thwarted in my rearrangement of the bedroom by nightfall, I keep looking restlessly around the living room, wondering if there's anything here that can be moved around so that I can make a mess and wish I never moved anything in the first place.

So what is it in your household that gets you all distracted? Please tell me I'm not alone!

27 Weeks!

Whew! 27 weeks! Baby Bindi (*not her real name!) is doing well, although her stubborn streak is only getting wider. Once again she wouldn't let us get any good pictures this week. My OB spent a good 25 minutes just trying to get a shot of her. She might have thrown him the finger once or twice. She apparently doesn't want anyone to know what she looks like until she's here!

As for me, I'm getting tired. Uncomfortable. Heart Burny. Oh wait, did you say those things are supposed to start happening in the third trimester? Well, I'm right on time. I have felt great throughout this pregnancy, to the point that I actually forgot I was pregnant a few times. Not now. No matter what I eat, I get insanely bad heartburn in the late afternoon and through the night. By morning it's gone, but it makes it really hard to eat as nothing ever sounds good because I know I'll feel terrible. I get tired walking. I can't take deep breaths. Doesn't pregnancy sound fun???

I think I've gained about 15 pounds or so now, give or take. My clothes still fit, so I haven't had to break out the maternity stuff, which is good because I a) have hardly any of it and b) it's all tank tops because of all the summer babies and c) it's in the attic, and you could not pay me enough money to go up there and risk the bugs or other things that are probably up there.

I started insulin last week, so now I have a little more freedom about what I eat, although that would be a lot cooler if I actually felt like eating anything. I mean, I imagine eating things that sound good, but the repercussions of actually eating them are not very fun. The p17 shots are moving right along...Just 8 more to go, I think.

The kids are super excited about their sister, but they're already looking beyond her and asking how many more babies we "get" to have in our family. I guess it's a good thing that they think new babies are a good thing, but Jace apparently wants enough siblings for his own basketball team. They call her by name all of the time, and ask how she's doing every day. It's hilarious. They're such sweet kids. Ava is very concerned about being at the hospital when she is born...she was there for Seth's birth and she's not thrilled that I told her she may be staying home this time. I feel for her...she's worried that if the baby dies, she won't get a chance to see and hold her, so she wants to be there. I wish that didn't have to be a reality for her.

I've been hearing some cool ideas about giving hints on the name and I might do that...I really want to tell, sort of, but it really would ruin the only surprise I've got! Hmm. We told my Grandmother the other day and her reaction was interesting...not really sure if she likes it or not. Good reason not to tell, I guess...no one can make you reconsider!

OK, I just have to say that the baby on Days of Our Lives that plays Sidney just makes my ovaries burst. Not sure why, but I love her. She is so serious and cute. That was off topic, I know.

Now, this is exciting.

So I know, I've been super late on announcing the winner of the gift certificate to Nelle and Lizzy from Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day.

But I have a good reason.

A really, really good reason.

When I started this giveaway, I was planning to send you guys a gift certificate from little old me, just out of appreciation and love for you all. But the powers that be over at Nelle and Lizzy noticed that you guys were busting down their doors to check out their awesome jewelry, they came over and checked out our family, and they want to provide a gift certificate for one of you themselves! How cool are they? (Super Cool!)

But not only that. They're not only going to give away the $50 gift certificate that I intended...they've also kindly offered to give away a second $50 gift certificate! That means that two lucky people will get to design their own family jewelry! How's that for generous? I'm super excited.

So without further ado, I'm going to award the first gift certificate. For the chance to win the second gift certificate, stay tuned! I will be posting details about how you can win sometime soon! While you're waiting for me to think of the perfect contest, check out all the jewelry at www.nelleandlizzy.com and start thinking of what you're going to design!

Thanks to Random.Org (While I wanted to pull the names out of a hat and video tape the results, you'll just have to imagine us doing that. Things have been crazy the past couple of days), the lucky number 16 is the winner!

Jenny Randall, please email me so I can hook you up with your $50 gift certificate!

As a side note, I just have to say that I think iyou're just too sweet. Jenny's friend lost twins at five months gestation and she wants to design a ring for her to commemorate them. I think that's so cool.

Now I'm off to think about the perfect contest for the next gift certificate. Hmmm....got any ideas? Tell me!

Chili!

Man, I am starving for Chili! We have about two days left of our forecasted cold snap, and I'm going to have to see if I can finagle my mom into make me some chili before it gets hot again. Chili! She makes the best chili...so good that I've never even bothered to learn how to make any kind of chili, because I know it won't turn out the same. Kind of like how a sandwich is always better if someone else makes it for you.

Or is that just me?

Anyway. We had to turn the heat on in our van this morning. Yes, I know all you northerners are sick of me talking about the cold. But my kids have never been anywhere else really, aside from visits, so for them, this really is COLD weather! Ava wouldn't walk out the door this morning without a coat, and she actually asked for gloves. I told her to suck it up. Even I have limits.

We carved pumpkins today, pumpkins we procured during an ill fated visit to the pumpkin patch yesterday that resulted in Seth getting dropped face first into a pumpkin. You'd think a pumpkin couldn't do much damage, but he's definitely a little worse for the wear. After the patch, we headed off to do the kids very favorite thing in the whole wide world...get the car washed. They love watching me vacuum out the car, mostly because they are actually afraid that I may suck them into the vacuum accidentally, and then we headed into the automatic car wash.

The particular place we go is actually a no mans land of bays and vacuuming stations, with two drive through automatic car washes on the end. No one works there. We got into the wash, watched the van get soaped up with pink soap, and then sat.

"Why is this taking so long?" Ava asked me.

"The soap has to sit on the van for a minute so that it can get the dirt off." I answered knowingly. I mean, that sounds like it could be true.

But two minutes later, when I realized all the lights were off and we were still covered in soap, I realized the awful truth...we were stranded in a broken down automatic car wash.

I didn't even know that could happen!

But alas, it can, and eventually after I realized no magic fairies were going to appear to wash my car, I had to finagle my way out of the bay and try the other one, after paying again. Of course. Stupid car wash. I want to complain, but I'm too lazy to go back and try to find a number to call. I bet they were counting on that...their customers being to lazy to actually wash their own cars OR to complain when their washers, or whatever, break down. Well played, abandoned car wash. Well Played.

At least the kids thought it was entertaining, though. Guess it's better than too much tv!

They put him to work!

In Physical Therapy, we are working with Seth on walking behind a push toy. Today, I tracked down Jace's old HABA push cart and pulled it out for Seth to play with. He was so excited...you would have thought it was Christmas morning . He was beyond thrilled to get something new (to him) to climb on and play with. Of course, as soon as his siblings noticed, that was over with...they took it over. They were kind enough, however, to let him join them...as long as he pushed them all over the house and they rode in style. They totally took advantage of his big brother/big sister adoration. Kids are manipulative!

Yes, they used their 15 month old brother as transportation. You could say he definitely got a good long therapy session in today, because he literally spent the better part of an hour pushing Jace all over the great room and into and out of the kitchen. He was pretty thrilled about it most of the time, and looked very proud of himself. You know, when he wasn't too busy struggling to push a cart full of 40 pounds of 4 year old boy around.

And, oh yeah, Seth turned 15 months old yesterday. Time flies, huh? The little baby that had everyone so stressed out is no more...he jumped from the 15th percentile in weight at 12 months of age to the 40th percentile this month. Score! And that's actually taking into account his real age, not his adjusted age. That percentile is much higher. He's also above the 97th percentile in height for his actual age, which is not surprising, considering his brother and sister, who are pretty darn tall. Seth seems to be following in their footsteps...he has gained 5 pounds since he turned one, and he's jumped about three shoe sizes. He now wears a 5 1/2. His hands are really big, too...he was patting some baby on the head the other day and his hand was as big as her whole head. I'm thinking pro basketball.

'

He's so funny these days. He is incredibly bossy, and has pointing imperiously at himself and then at what he wants down pat. It's hilarious, adorable, and annoying, as he has decided gestures are way easier than words. He's capable of saying about 13-15 words, but only on his terms. He sits silently in speech and just wants to play around, but when his early steps coordinator was at the house the other day and I mentioned in passing, with Seth sitting about 15 feet away, that he had been a handful in therapy and wouldn't even say "ball" a word he's been able to say since he was 9 months old. We were laughing about it when Seth looked up, crawled over, grabbed a ball, pointed at it in an educational manner, and said "Ball?"

He's can be a little infuriating, if you can't tell. He heard us talking in conversational tones from 15 feet away, understood what we were talking about, and found the object and named it, and we weren't even talking to him. Yeah, he hears okay.

When we were in St. Augustine last month, we were sitting with a friend from the deaf magnet school in our area. A lecture was going on, and we were sitting on the floor so Seth could play. She kept signing to him, mostly because most of the kids she works with sign, and she hasn't seem him much since his activation. He was staring at her like she was crazy, as he has yet to bother paying attention to any signs at all. She asked how he's hearing, and I didn't really answer her, as we were trying to be quiet since someone was speaking. He kept getting into her purse and digging around, and I leaned over and whispered to him "Seth, give that pen back to her!" I said it out of habit...I didn't think he would understand what I said since I was whispering and there was background noise. But he looked at me, picked up the pen, and handed it over to her like it was no big deal. She kind of stared at me for a minute, and then said "Huh. He really does hear well, doesn't he?"

It was really exciting because not only did Seth listen, he followed a complex direction (Give the pen back to her) where he had to identify an object and a person other than me, and then do what I said. I love seeing him do things like that, when there was a time when we didn't even know if he'd ever be aware of sounds, much less comprehend them so easily.

He's just a funny, loving, sweet little boy. Considering that when he turned one he wasn't even crawling, he is improving physically at a rapid pace, which his therapist and I love seeing. Now that he's starting to catch up physically and is doing so well with his hearing and has not been sick recently, it feels like we can take a breath and just enjoy him for a little while. Of course there will always be challenges, but right now, for all intents and purposes, Seth is a very typical, happy, healthy little boy. I love saying that...it's something I never thought I'd get to say about him.

Of course, we'll have challenges ahead, and there is a ton of work to come to keep him trucking along at this pace, but right now, watching him push his big brother all over the house, laughing and babbling and smiling, it feels like sweet, sweet success. No matter how Seth does from here on out...listening, talking, walking...we're winning. He is the greatest gift, and I thank God for him about a thousand times a day.

Cold Snap

It's cold here! I love it! Oh my goodness, when we woke up this morning it wasn't even 60 degrees. Ava had to wear a hoodie under her soccer jersey, and we were all outfitted in long pants and sweatshirts for her early morning game.

I sat on the sidelines and drank hot chocolate and shivered. The kids were faster than usual because we told them they'd get warm if they ran more. It was so cool. I don't like winter, but I do like fall, and when we get short bursts of weather like this, I get really excited. Fall is one of my favorite seasons, with the crunchy leaves and the crisp night air and a reason to cuddle with a blanket...love it. One of my favorite dates in high school was with a boy who took me to a haunted house (I'm a big wuss...I screamed through the entire thing and never opened my eyes) and then made me think we were sneaking onto someone else's property late at night to pick apples, where we laid on our backs in the leaves staring up at the stars and singing Dave Matthews songs, slightly scared that whoever owned the property would catch us.

Luckily, it turned out to be his grandparent's house, so we were in the clear. He didn't tell me that until after we "escaped" safely, though.

My friends and I used to sit on a walking bridge that spanned a busy road in our town under blankets and talk pretty much all night long, our noses and ears freezing, playing truth or dare, scaring ourselves half to death and acting like big dorks. When the weather gets cold, these are the things I think about. I grew up in a place where you were lucky if it was warm enough by the time Halloween rolled around for anyone to even see your costume under your winter coat, and I love getting to wear a cute sweater. So I love these brief cold snaps here, even though all the sweaters I own are woefully outdated and totally uncool.

Of course, as much as I love fall, I hate winter with a passion, so I guess it all evens out in the end. So I'll enjoy these hints of fall and be glad that there's almost no chance I'll have to deal with any kind of snow besides the kind they blow up into the air around Christmas time at Disney and Sea World. I'm pretty much ok with my kids thinking that's the real thing.

What's your favorite thing about fall?

Oh yeah...the contest for the gift certificate to Nelle and Lizzy is still open! Make sure to leave a comment on the Remembering Eli post to be entered!

Sleep Deprivation

I think Seth is trying to prepare me for the new baby. He has been waking up FOUR TIMES A NIGHT for the past couple weeks. Sorry for yelling. It was necessary. What in the WORLD is a 15 month old doing waking up four times in a night?

This is what happened to me the other night:

Put big kids to bed at 7 pm. Put Seth to bed at 8 pm after 8 ounces of Pediasure. Watch TV, let dogs out, put the puppy in his crate around 10, and fall asleep on the couch (Can't hear the kids from my bedroom, which is across the house from the kids room, plus I have a fear of them sneaking out of the house at night).

Just after I fall asleep around 11, I hear Seth shouting (and since he's deaf at night he doesn't have volume control). I ignore it for some unspecified amount of time, then get up, find a sippy cup, and bring him a drink. He is standing in his crib, shaking his fist at me, and he grabs the cup out of my hands. I realize I have to pee, so I go to the bathroom in our bedroom (we only have one working bathroom right now) which just happens to be where the puppy's crate is. He wakes up and whines until I let him outside and wait for him to finish up. I let him back in, chase him back into his crate, and go lay back down. It's after midnight.

Then it all happened again about 2. Except this time, I ignore the dog and he has an accident in the crate and spreads it all over(he seems to be able to have the ability to poop out of spite when he's mad), so I have the lovely added step of cleaning that up after tending to Seth and before emptying my own once again bursting bladder. I swear, I have never had to pee so much in my life, even when pregnant.

Finally I go lay back down, only to find not one, but two children laying in my spot on the couch, pretending not to be watching the tv that is still on because I have an issue with falling asleep without background noise. Seth's ticked off tirade woke them up and I have to talk them back into going to sleep in their own rooms because there is no way I can deal with the propeller arms and legs that these two seem to have when sleeping. Ava tells me that she can't sleep and it's my fault because I let her watch a scary movie, and that the curtains were maybe ruffling and life is too scary to live. Jace repeats everything she says verbatim and tries to look like he means it.

Eventually I get them back to sleep, and by then, I am wired and cannot turn my brain off and by the time I fall asleep it's well past three and then, before I know it, it's 5 am and Seth is up again and screaming again. By this point, I think we all know that if I don't calm him down, he'll wake up the puppy and the puppy will wake up the kids and we'll be having a freaking picnic in the dark or something, so I break down and give him more milk and then it's 7 am. My alarm is going off and it's time to get the kids up for school, except that they're still fast asleep because of being up in the night and Seth is totally cashed out. I end up having to drag him out of bed moments before we leave for school and herd the kids, who are still sleepy, out the door.

Yeah, every night has been similar to that. I'm going to die. The best part is that in a couple of months we'll have a newborn in the house who actually has a reason to wake up every two hours. I may have to be committed.

Yes, for the record, I know that Seth doesn't need milk every couple of hours in the night and he needs to learn to go back to sleep on his own (which he used to do just fine). I also know that for right now it seems that keeping him quiet is the only way to keep the rest of the house asleep. It's a conundrum.

So if I start typing nonsense words I probably fell asleep at the keyboard.

Remembering Eli

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. That's a mouthful, huh? Before my perfectly healthy son died during labor at 35 weeks, I never knew it existed. I knew that miscarriages happened, that babies died, but it was so abstract I couldn't wrap my head around it. It wouldn't happen to me, to my friends...it was one of those things that just happened to everyone else.

Until it actually does happen to you, then you feel pretty silly.You realize that it happens to an awful lot of people, that no one is exempt. A few years ago, I had just found out I was pregnant with Eli and I was devastated because my best friend had been trying to get pregnant for a few months and I didn't want to tell her about my pregnancy until she was pregnant so that I wouldn't make her sad. We had spent months talking about charting, ovulation...you name it, we picked it apart. Finally, she called me one morning telling me that she saw a line, and I felt like I could finally, finally get excited about my own pregnancy, which we hadn't told anyone about. We met for breakfast and I broke the news to her and we were both so excited about getting to go through pregnancy together. We were both so hopeful and excited...we were both pregnant with our third children.

One week later, she miscarried. I remember sitting in the bathroom, crying and asking God to let her baby be ok, that I hadn't been trying as long or hard to get pregnant as she had, and that she'd done everything right...waited until they could afford another pregnancy, been responsible. I was devastated for her.

Just a month later she got pregnant with one of my favorite little boys in the world, and she sat in my hospital room when I was on bedrest keeping me company, joking about putting herself on the monitor for a while so that she could hear her babies heart rate, entertaining me with stories about our obstetrician. I dropped Ava off at her house the morning my water broke, and she stood outside our new van, holding Ava and waving, shouting "See you when you're a family of 5!"

An hour later I called to tell her that Eli had died. Four months later, her son was born, and he was the first baby I held after my son passed away. No matter where we were or what we were doing, I could get him to go to sleep. I wore him in a sling. I held him all the time. She never minded, and he was and is literally the only baby close to Eli's age I can enjoy being around. When I finally got pregnant with Seth, she was with me the day we found out he was a boy. The ultrasound tech thought we were partners. It was hilarious.

Since then, she's had three more miscarriages, bringing her grand, sucky total to four. Every time, I feel almost as if it's happening to me, just like I know she felt almost as if Eli's death was happening to her. This is a different bond, one built not just on kids of the same ages and playdates and hanging out, but on walking devastating paths with one another, over and over.

The cool thing about this day is not just that people walk to remember babies, or tie a ribbon to a tree, or release a balloon in honor of a life lost. The cool thing about this day is that it's one day when it's okay to be sad, to talk about them, to admit that they're in our lives. Every other day, as time goes by, it gets harder and harder to bring them up without getting strange looks, and people expect you to move on. On this day, it's okay to stop and think, to wallow if it helps, to do something special just for that baby that isn't here with you, pulling on your pant leg, screaming to get your attention, cuddling with you on the couch.

Yesterday, I was at our home school co-op and I was watching the babies. That's a loose term...all three of them are two, and then there is Seth. I was pregnant with Eli when all of their mothers were pregnant with them. They would have been his friends. Today, one of them kept coming up to me and laying game pieces on my leg, telling me colors and letters. Another was dancing like crazy and laughing. The third kept running up to me and saying "Ellyn! Ellyn!"

Time has gone on, and I forget that Eli would be doing these things...talking, and dancing, and naming his friends. These children would be his friends, these sweet, silly toddlers that have no idea that one of their friends never got a chance to meet them. While I think about him every day, today he is especially close to me, and I wish I could see him as a 2 1/2 year old boy, wonder whether he would be sturdy and tall like Jace or whether he would have kept the black curls he was born with. I wonder what his favorite color would have been or if he would have been obsessed with puppies like Fisher or books like Seth. I wonder what kind of boy he would be, what his laugh would sound like. Today I can talk about him without worrying about making someone else feel uncomfortable or sad.

On the first Mother's Day after Eli died, my husband got me a ring. Not just any ring, but a mother's ring, with all three of my children's names on it, even Eli's. It's a special ring, with three interconnected bands that slid up and over each other, with one of their names on each band. It's simple, and unobtrusive, and perfect. Of course, now that Seth is here and there is a new baby on the way, it's also woefully outdated and not very well polished these days, but that's a whole 'nother story! It is one of my most treasured possessions, and I never take it off. My kids love to find their names on my ring and talk about our family.

Today, on a day set aside to remember all of our lost babies, and to celebrate this month being the one year anniversary of Profoundly Seth, where I have received immeasurable support, I can tell you first hand that hearing these stories of how our children have made a difference somehow means the world to us...in a strange way it makes it all okay, makes it all worth it. The day I learned that a blog reader had become a Christian because of Eli's story, I began to heal in a way I never thought I would. My son, who never took a breath outside my body, had brought someone to Christ. What a legacy!

Thank you to all of you for reading, for gracefully letting me remember Eli every day that I need to, and being there for our family every step of the way for the past year. I'm reasonably sure I have the best blog readers ever! Now let me give something back to you and enter!

If you'd like something tangible to do for someone on this day, think about calling or writing someone who has gone through a pregnancy or infant loss and letting them know that you remember their baby. I can't tell you how much it will mean to them. One of my biggest fears is that everyone will forget about Eli, and it will be as if he was never here, and I know that it's the same for lots of other people. In the months and years after a loss, after the initial rush of sympathy, those simple calls or letters or emails to tell me that someone remembers and is thinking about Eli mean more than anything. I know it's the same for other parents, too.

26 weeks!

26 weeks! Can you believe it? I can't...I feel like it was just yesterday that we found out we were expecting another baby, and now she's well on her way to getting here! Just for fun, I found 26 week shots of my pregnancies with Jace and Eli (Ava's, once again, was pre digital, and once again I was too lazy to scan them.) Check out this impressive photography...

That's 26 weeks with Jace. Aren't you glad I've managed to figure out how to take self portraits that are actually in focus? I can't believe I even saved this picture like it was good enough to look at. But since I did...you all get to see it, in all it's blurry glory. I carried Jace really weird, I think. He literally took up my entire rib cage. No fun.

Here is my pregnancy with Eli at 26 weeks. As you can see, I am thrilled about getting my picture taken. I hate that I am looking up and over in that weird way. But there it is. Carrying totally differently than Jace. I don't like this picture. Let's look at the current pregnancy again.

Ahh, that's better. At least when I'm taking my own pictures I can delete the bad ones before I post them. Although I just posted two bad ones from previous years, but that's ok. They were all I had to choose from.I don't think I'm carrying like any of my previous pregnancies this time. Weird. Apparently there's no limit to the ways you can carry a baby...just ask those ladies on "I didn't know I was pregnant." Or don't, because I just can't believe they didn't really know they were pregnant, so they might not be that reliable anyway.

Anyway, things are going okay this week. I got the official nod to start insulin yesterday, as, in my OB's words, "This just isn't working." The way he said it kind of scared me until he explained that he meant that it just doesn't make sense to try to balance trying to gain weight with trying to control my blood sugars, so it was time to bring insulin in. I asked about what being on insulin changed as far as delivery, as I vaguely remembered there being some issue last time around, and he said basically being insulin dependent just means more monitoring and induction by 38 weeks, but, in his words "We'll already be monitoring you all the time, and there's no way you'll get to 38 weeks, so you don't need to worry about that." He cracks me up. 38 weeks would be January 6th, but apparently he does not think that it will be Baby Girl's birthday.

This week during my ultrasound we saw a little arrhythmia when watching/listening to her heartbeat, but as we've learned over and over, when you go looking for something, you usually find it. This baby gets a lot of ultrasounds, which means a lot more chances to find things that are not typical. I go back to the perinatologist  soon, so he'll make sure and let them know what he saw so they can check it out.

Other than that, everything's just moving right along! We do have a name chosen, but we normally keep it a secret. Maybe I'll just see if you all can guess it. That wouldn't count as telling, right? =) Then again, I don't think anyone would guess it, so we're probably stuck anyway. But if you corner Ava and convince her you're immediate family, you could probably get her to tell you! She and Jace say anyone who is in your heart is in your family, and apparently Jace met someone at the Playplace this week that he liked enough that they were "in his heart" so just about anyone can be in our family, it looks like. Kind of a big loophole, there.

But it's important!

I just had to put my daughter to bed without dinner. Well, not quite...I gave her dinner in bed, but didn't let her out. It may have been a badly devised idea, since she promptly spilled yogurt on her pillow. Note to self: there's a reason prisoners were only given bread and water.

She got a time-out for saying "butt" again, and while she was in her room she painted her fingernails and then blatantly lied about it even as I held her freshly nail polished fingers up in front of her face. She had NO IDEA how it happened! So she got sent to her room until dinner. But of course, she couldn't just go quietly...she pitched a monster fit that resulted in her ninja kicking the baby gate down onto her baby brother, so that punishment promptly got upgraded to going to bed for the night, period the end.

She keeps coming out and screaming my name, and when I preemptively say "no", she tells me she has something very, very important to tell me. What? Well, she's not quite sure. She's scared. Her arm hurts. Red is her favorite color. Once she met someone named Andrew. She can't breathe. It's called stalling, and she's really, really good at it.

Yeah, it's been a barrel of laughs around here tonight.

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Did you guys know that October marks Profoundly Seth's one year anniversary?! Probably not, since I didn't realize that until, oh...today. I've blogged for a long time, but Profoundly Seth itself came into being last October soon after Seth was diagnosed with profound hearing loss. What a year it's been, huh? In honor of that and the fact that October is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I'm feeling the urge to do a giveaway, which we haven't done in a very long time! So stay tuned...do you know what date the Remembrance Day falls on? Hint: I posted about it last year, too. Or you could just, you know, google it. Anyway, on that day, I'm going to do a giveaway. You'll like it. I promise. So figure out what day it is, and come here then. Cool? Cool.

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Did you guys see that the Divine Caroline awards are coming around again? I love checking out all the nominees...they're always blogs that I've never heard of and I have a lot of fun nosing around checking them all out. Or some of them out. You know, as time allows. I think it's really cool that it's a viewer's choice type thing, and I love finding even more people who feel like friends even though they're strangers and would probably be kind of freaked out in real life. Also known as more cool blogs to read. In my spare time. Hah! Anyway, check them out. Maybe you'll find a new best friend, or a blog to vote for!

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So Seth can read now. It's freaking hilarious. He opens a book and just jabbers away like he's reading it and he yells...loudly...at anyone who tries to take his book away and actually, you know, read it. The weirdest thing is that he's just as into grown up books and reading them as he is into picture books...maybe more so. He's also a fan of the laptop. A big fan. A dangerously big fan.

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So Jace and I met my friend Lorena and his friend/girlfriend/future wife Sara for lunch today after preschool. Jace has been so into school this year that he hasn't talked about Sara as much as usual, so I wasn't sure where they stood, if you will. We pulled into the parking lot (of McDonalds, of course), and they were just crossing in front of us to go inside. Jace shouted "Sara!" and started waving, and then, with all my windows rolled up, the air conditioning blasting, and the radio on, we heard a ear splitting, bat sonar like sound. "Jace! Jacie! Jaciiiiieeeee!" Jace looked shocked, and said "I can hear her from inside the car!" Um, yeah. I'm pretty sure everyone in Florida heard her. Then, we got out of the car and as I was getting Seth, I saw Jace walk up to hug Sara and Sara lay a serious right on the smacker kiss on Jace. It was for real. Kind of intense. So apparently, they're still on. And apparently the girls in that family like the boys in our family, because a little later we totally caught Sophie, Sara's younger sister, loving on Seth. They're maneaters!

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This very disjointed and random post was brought to you by the letter C. As in Crazy. Crazy children who don't give you five seconds to actually think before you have to throw your thoughts haphazardly into a blog before you forget them. Yes. C.

Baby Talk

Man, has anyone seen how much adorable baby girl stuff they have at Target these days? Most of it's 30% off so I'm totally stalking it until I can stock up on some stuff at 50% off. All of Ava's baby clothes have been up in the attic since she outgrew her clothes, and she was a big baby. Plus, she was a summer baby, so I don't even know how much of the stuff is going to be in good shape or work for the new baby. Also, Ava drooled a whole heck of a lot, so a bunch of her stuff is probably stained beyond belief.


Tonight was the first time I actually let myself look at baby stuff, though. Man, it has been a while since I've looked at girl clothes! I'm so used to the boy uniform (in our family at least) of polos and tees with cargo shorts and cargo pants. Yeah, we tend to find a look and stick with it. And I just love a little boy in cargo shorts and a polo. But when Ava was a baby I was much more adventurous with her outfits and I'm totally overwhelmed this time around! My kids go to a private school and wear uniforms, so when we shop for clothes for all three of them I tend to buy solid bottoms and cute shirts...they're all interchangeable, and it's pretty straight forward. Ava gets a few simple dresses too. That's it. She's not a very fussy girl, and looking back at all the different outfits she had as a baby is crazy! I'm almost afraid to buy clothes before the baby comes, though...I have this weird thing about coloring and hair color and What Not to Wear. Hey! They should totally write a What Not to Wear for babies. That would rock. I probably would have learned sooner that Ava can't wear gray or yellow. Alas, I didn't figure it out until after buying several outfits in those colors. Since we've had three kids with dark hair and one whose hair just keeps getting blonder, what this baby is going to look like is a total toss up. I'm kind of hoping for a blond with blue eyes to match Seth so that people don't think he's from another family so much.


I can't believe it's already October and that if this baby comes as early as all her brothers did she could make an appearance early in December. Mind blowing. She's going to have one brother that is going to have some major adjustments to make...lately whenever I cuddle with either Ava or Jace at home Seth flips out completely and sets out on a crawling rampage, speeding over to wherever we are and trying to scale the couch and push the other kids away. Then he site with me for about 7.5 seconds before he wants to get down and play again. He doesn't even want me, he just doesn't want them to have me either! This is going to be an issue.


Can I just say that while I've been totally committed to nursing all of my kids, I will admit that I am really not looking forward to nursing again. I only recently stopped nursing Seth and I think it might have been easier if I had just kept nursing him until the baby was born. Now that I've had a chance to adjust to life without nursing bras and layering all my shirts for easy and discreet nursing I am really, really not looking forward to doing it all again so soon. I mean, I will, I'll probably just complain a lot about it. Because that's how I roll. Although I will say that the only thing more frustrating and painful than actually nursing a newborn and trying to keep them awake long enough to eat is NOT nursing and having to deal with the insane pain of engorgement. After Eli died I spent almost a month completely uncomfortable and blown away by the fact that sometimes people just choose not to nurse and to go through the pain of your milk coming in with no relief. I just have to keep chanting to myself that this is the last year I'll have to nurse. Maybe that can be my new mantra. Reclaiming my boobs in 2011! Oh happy day!


Wow, baby clothes and boobs. It's rockin' around here, huh? Now it's 9:56 and I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm hip and cool, alright! I think I'm going to try to keep my eyes open long enough to sneak some cookie dough. I mean, if I ate cookie dough, which I totally wouldn't because it would screw up my blood sugar. Oops. Night!

You've got to be kidding me.

You'll never believe what my daughter told me today. My beautiful, funny, FIVE YEAR OLD daughter.

My daughter who spends most of her time singing praises to God and making up vaguely lyrical dance moves to those songs. Who cuddles with me about fifty times a day. Who is the first to jump up and pick up after herself or her brothers when I ask. Who tells silly jokes and loves doing math at school. My daughter, who heard a radio commercial about laughing your way to a better marriage and got very excited, telling me "Did you hear that! That's just what we need!"

You just won't believe what she told me. This girl who is so adorably clumsy that we call her Grace, who just spent three weeks choosing a halloween costume. Who takes life very, very seriously and tells me on a daily basis that I'm the best Mom she could ever get (Well, thank you, I tell her, but I'm the only mom you'll get, you know.). Who cries when she thinks about having to move out to go to college and is very concerned about me going to Heaven before she does.

This baby girl, the defender on her soccer team, the one who spends lots of time watching for airplanes and funny shaped clouds instead of playing, who can't wait to go to school every morning, who spends any allowance or birthday money she gets on other people...well, she told me something crazy. Today, she told me she has a boyfriend. That's him in the picture below. He's also a defender on her team. Apparently, at soccer practice one day, he told her she was his girlfriend, and she said "Great! You're my boyfriend!"

Now, if you would have asked me yesterday if my daughter even knew what boyfriends were, I would have told you no. But then she proceeded to tell me that they're planning to go out on a date together sometime after soccer. Seriously? I asked her what a date was, and she told me that it's when you go somewhere with someone you like and hang out together, and usually eat...where is she hearing this stuff? She also said "butt" the other day, which was a first. I can't believe my little girl is talking about this stuff!

Of course, right after that, she also told me she has a girlfriend, too, and that boyfriends and girlfriends are just people you like a bunch. Whew! Although it could be interesting if she keeps talking about her new girlfriend to people.

Anyway, I'd like to issue an official request for her to stay a little girl for about 12 more years. Can someone get on that? Thanks.

Sneak Attack by Seth

Apparently a little bored, Seth started look for something to get into this morning at Ava's soccer game.

When he saw something interesting, he took off.

One of his very favorite things just happened to be just a few yards away...a ball!

After a quick check to make sure no one was onto him,

he started trying to jedi mind trick the ball to come to him through the net.

He was concentrating so intensely that he didn't even notice he'd been caught red handed by the team, who wanted the ball for their game.

A quick, wanna be innocent glance to the side tells it all...he wasn't do anything, man!

But they didn't seem to buy it, so he started searching for someone who would have his back.

He quickly located the person most likely to be sympathetic to him, and took off to tell his Grandma about how those mean kids wouldn't even let him have a ball.

Oh, the life of a baby. It's tough, I tell you.

You Win.

I've had a couple of people ask me why, if I want my marriage to work out so much, then why in the world don't I stop writing about it here on this blog.

The thing is, this is happening to me. It's part of my life. When I'm writing, it comes out, whether I want it to or not. If I try to write about something else, it totally sucks and I have to scrap it. So sometimes, it's either write about how I feel about my marriage or explode. No, I don't have to actually post those things, but this is where my stubborn streak rears it's ugly head. In many ways I feel like everything has been taken away from me without my consent. This blog, unlike my house or my husband or my marriage, feels like the one thing that is all mine, where I can do and say and think whatever I want. It feels wrong to leave a huge part of my life out of my "life" on this blog.

Yes, I have friends here that support me "in real life" and are willing to listen to me vent about my marriage. For various reasons, I don't talk to very many of them about this. It's easier for me to write than talk. When I talk about my husband, I get upset, and then I'm crying and that's no fun for anyone. For whatever reason, writing offers me much more closure and help, and that helps me be present and here for my kids.

The thing is, although I'm feeling much better than I was in July and August, there are still several times a day when I feel a gut wrenching emptiness. It still feels so strange that he's gone, and I have to remind myself that I can't call him or count on him anymore. I just can't make myself believe that this isn't a nightmare, that he really means to divorce me, that he'd rather start over completely than make any effort with me, his wife, the mother of his five children. Because my husband wouldn't do that. He was always the most loving, forgiving person I knew and it blows me away to think he's given up on me, our marriage, and our family. I hate to think about him with someone else, while I'm alone with all our kids and feeling terribly unattractive and pregnant. Then I think about raising this baby, who will never know her father full time, and it makes me so sad. Then that makes me realize that all of our kids are so young that almost none of them will remember when their dad and I were happy. It feels scary. It feels overwhelming. And the person that I should be able to talk with and trust is the one who is making this happen.

Writing about all of these things on this blog has been a lifeline to me. This blog has become my "significant other", that person who is there for me late at night and early in the morning, where I could say anything and receive support. You see, for three months I have been told that this is all my fault, that I caused somehow made him do everything he's done, to have the fact that he's the one bringing in a paycheck held over my head over and over since it's not "our money" anymore. I have never felt so controlled and cut down in my life. Venting here about my husband, or just writing about my own feelings about my marriage helped me feel like something I said or thought mattered when I was being told over and over, by the person who means the most to me in the world, that what I think or want, or even who I am doesn't matter at all.

But in the end, he couldn't let me have this either. I'm done. He wins, and I'll let him. I can't deal with having to weigh the pros and cons of posting my thoughts, the anxiety of seeing a comment from him countering every feeling I have or an email ripping me apart. After a while I start to think that if he's so positive, maybe it didn't really happen the way I remember. Do I delete the comments? That's not fair. I almost never delete comments, and feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. Do I respond? Then it turns into an argument about who is telling the truth and who is lying, and I end up crying and a mess and yet another day is ruined. Something that was meant as a release is turned into more frustration. Discontinuing posts about my marriage won't do much for me positively, but it will cut down on the negativity I receive from him.

I've always known that John strongly believes his side of the story. Of course he does...he has to, to be okay with leaving his family. It has to be my fault. I have to be the one who is keeping him from his kids. I have to be the reason, the justification for each choice he's made, or else he might have to open his eyes and realize what he's doing. I thought I felt strongly about being able to write the things I feel about him and our marriage on this blog, but it turns out I don't feel as strongly as he does about me being the bad guy. It's not worth it, and really, in the scheme of things, not writing about my marriage falling apart on this blog is nothing compared to my actual marriage falling apart. Who knows...it may be partly my fault that by taking so much responsibility for our problems when he left that I've just made it easier for him to justify things.

So this is the last post you'll see from me about my husband, and by extension, probably the last you'll see from me posting about most personal things. Right now, there aren't many things that don't deal with my feelings about my marriage. It makes me sad, in a lot of ways. It'll probably be a lot more boring around here, and I'll miss being able to get feedback or just loving comments about how I feel from you guys.
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All the posts I have written about my husband or my marriage since he left over three months ago are at the end of this post, in ascending order, aside from the few I took down when I felt I was being unfair to him. I won't be removing them, and I think if they're read with an open mind that you'll find, whether you're a supporter or detractor of me, that almost all of what I have written has been for the most part respectful and fair. I have held back so much more than I have ever written. Of course, if you don't like me or are looking for things to pick apart, I'm sure you'll find them. To all of you who have been there for me through this, I'll never be able to thank you enough.

ADDED 10:27 PM: Just wanted to clarify to everyone that I'm not stopping this blog, just that I'm going to stop writing about my marriage for the time being. However, I am taking everyone's comments into consideration...I hadn't thought of it from some of your points of view! You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you. Don't worry though, I'm not going anywhere. I just have to figure out some other stuff to write about! Making the blog private isn't an option right now as it's my only source of income, so I'll just have to learn to be interesting writing other content. =)

Thanks

Personality Plus

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Jumble

Philippians 4:13

First off, Thank You

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Radio Silence

Ticked

Softening

Jumble