SHE'S HERE!!!!!

I am completely ecstatic and honored to announce to you all that "Bindi" is HERE and CRYING!!

Welcome to the world...

Evany Jane McCall

4 lb 9 oz 

17 inches long

Ellyn's mom and friend are there with her now, and Ellyn is hurting and kind of out of it but okay. Evany is in the NICU now and scored an 8 and 8 on her Apgar test, which is incredibly great news!! (A baby who scores a 7 or above on the test at 1 minute after birth is generally considered in good health.)

Baby Evany still has a fight ahead of her in the NICU and Ellyn still needs prayers both for her own recovery and the days ahead with her sweet baby girl, but tonight we will rejoice in the fact that she is here and crying!!!

Emergency C-Section

Hi friends,

This is Mandy posting on Ellyn's behalf. Ellyn just called me and said they're taking her in for an emergency C-section right now. They did a test on the baby a little bit ago and her heart rate is very high so they need to go in right away to get her. Please be in serious prayer for both El and the baby. I'll update you as I get new information.

Thanks for loving on her.

Mandy

Surprise!

So, guess what? My mom got into work today, told her boss about what's been going on, and he said "So this is the first day you've had help since Thursday? Take the day off!" What a cool guy!

So she and my Aunt Lori (we call her Lolo around here) came up with the kids and totally surprised me! Totally lifted my spirits. They all had a picnic on the floor of my hospital room and Seth scavenged everyone's food (he's a fan of grilled cheese too, apparently.).

So since so many of you asked, I asked Ava if she knew what entreat meant. She shrugged and told me she made it up. She's s trip. My mom read her some of your comments about her song and she got really excited and said "I have fans! I've never had fans before! Now maybe I'll be a little bit famous like Seth!"*

*Back when we were fundraising for Seth's surgery, a friend of Ava's from school who is a few years older than her made a comment about how "Not every baby has his own website! And hardly any babies have huge posters with their faces on them like Seth does. He's like, a little bit famous!"

I wanted to clarify something with everyone about our situation. Yes, it sucks that John's not around supporting me at the hospital and it sucks that he's not interested in being around for the baby. But that doesn't mean we're not getting the support we need. Yes, I wish and want John to support us, too, but please don't mistake that for meaning that we have no support. The kids and I are richly, richly blessed by a wonderful family, friends, and an awesome school and church family. Does that make me less sad that John is not around? Of course not, especially not on bad days. There's nothing that can replace the support of a spouse and the father of your children. But between you all and our friends and family here, I feel incredibly supported and loved. Thank you!

I have some adorable pictures to post in a bit, so stay tuned.

Monday

This headache is the worst. Seriously. And I'm bummed because Ava called me this morning really sad and said "I won't get to see you today, Mama." and then it hit me...Monday is John's visitation day, so she (and the other kids) will be with him today from 4 until bedtime and I won't be able to see them. I mean, I knew logically that Mondays and Wednesdays John sees the kids, but for some reason it didn't translate for me that by extension, I would not be able to see them on those days. I feel bad because when she was here yesterday I made a huge deal to her when she was upset about leaving that I would see her today. Poor kid. 

Yesterday afternoon messed with my head so much I can't even tell you. I had contractions start up and be about five minutes apart and relatively strong for over two hours...and then they stopped. Just when I was thinking something was happening...My ob was happy, we thought I was going into labor, and then....nothing. We do finally have an end date for all these shenanigans, though. If I don't go into labor on my own, and there is no sign of infection beforehand, my ob will induce a week from Wednesday, at 34 weeks. That's ten days away. I might have to make one of those paper chains that I can rip a link off of every day, because right now, that sounds like forever. But at least it's something concrete. 

However, since it looks like I'm here for a while, it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to get the PO Box figured out. Thanks to everyone for wanting to send letters and cards...you guys are too sweet and so supportive. 

I just looked up at the white board in my hospital room and my nurse has a note written on it in total text speak. "Call me when U R awake! =)" That is hilarious to me for some reason. I hate when people write words with a single letter. It's a pet peeve of mine. 

Ava Unplugged

I asked Ava if she would do a special song that I could post on the blog, and this is what she came up with on the spot. It's very upbeat, if you can't tell from the picture. I don't quite know how to describe the tune, though.

"I wake up in the morning"

I wake up in the morning but I can't find

I'm still okay because

God is with me

With all my heart

but anywhere I do it I can't start it up

I need somebody to hold my hand

I need somebody to be around

I need somebody to help me across

I need somebody to hold my hand along the way

God it's too hard to fight I can't make it

It's fine to be the same

But I want to be the best

da nana na na na na na

God it's too hard to fight

It's all in one heart

but it's okay

because God is with me

and I'm on my way

and anywhere I look

I see his face

for anywhere I look

It's there

But I jump to the heart

that has been there

and anywhere I look

I can do it all

Jump to the beat

and put your hands up

anywhere I look

He is there

God is the one

who will help me

God is the one who

will entreat me

God is the best

guys in the world

He is the one

who will entreat me

All for one and

One for all

and there's only one God

and God is the best thing in the world

He is the light

and all that I say

will be true

Because I will listen to the Lord

Sunday

I'm kind of grumpy today. I have had a headache for the past couple of days that I just can't get rid of, and my only option right now is to take Demerol to get rid of it (Tylenol can mask fever symptoms, which is one of the signs they look for with infection). I did that the other night and felt completely loopy and weird, so for now, I'm just dealing with this headache, which makes me annoyed and irritable.

I had several great friends come by yesterday, and my mom brought the kids as well, so it was a good day. It's just so weird waking up every morning wondering if this is the day she'll be born. Things are the same here. My doctor popped in last night saying that he was going to have another conference with the maternal fetal specialist (Dr. F) today, so I don't know if that will change the game plan at all, or what. I know they have discontinued one of my antibiotics because the cultures for group B strep came back negative, so I guess that's a good thing.

Truthfully, I feel like I'm in a tunnel right now. I can't see what's at the end at all. I know it results in the baby being born theoretically, but it doesn't even feel that real right now, and time is so weird in the hospital. I feel like I've been here a lot longer than three days. Well, this is my fourth day, I guess.

When I was stuck in the hospital before, when I was pregnant with Eli, John always stayed here with me and we would watch DVDs and movies every night. In a weird way, it was a lot of fun to be able to spend the time alone with him. It's been really different this time being on my own here. Not bad, necessarily...I haven't been scared to be alone like I thought I might. Just different, like every other thing that's changed because he left. Just something else that I didn't think I could get through without him that it turns out I can. The first couple nights I was here it was just so weird to look over at the pull out bed and not see him there, sleeping with his arm stretched up to my bed. It's strange how you can think you've gotten used to something and then the most random things can make it hit you all over again. I don't miss John the way he is right now at all. But man, do I ever miss the guy that would sleep with his arm stretched up to hold my hand every night. I don't know if I'll ever stop missing that version of my husband.

Ava is going to visit at lunch, and I'm going to be sure to get one of her songs written down. Who knows what she'll come up with today...I think she has to go where the spirit takes her and I don't know if I'll be able to make requests, but we'll see. She called me this morning and said "So, any doctors in there? What's going on?" She's so funny.

Anyway, I seem to have lost the ability to make my posts anything but disjointed ramblings, but at least it's an update. Hope everyone has a great Sunday!

Grilled Cheese, no change

We're still hanging in there.

I defaulted back to my old standby of grilled cheese for dinner tonight...last night I tried to branch out but it just wasn't the same. I am, apparently, a creature of habit. I know. I'm as surprised as you are. As much as I like to tell myself I'm spontaneous, I'm just not.

I also cried when I was seven and my family got a new car. I didn't want a new car. I wanted the old car back and I pitched a major fit. So being unhappy with change is nothing new for me.

Ava called me on the phone today, and she said "So, how are things going today? Did you eat breakfast? How was that?" It cracks me up how much of a conversationalist she's becoming. When they visited today, a couple of other friends were here, and Ava had to put on a show for them. After it was over, one of them asked if she was singing a song from High School Musical and I had to tell them that it was actually an Ava original. She makes up a lot of songs. Like, a lot. A lot. It's always interesting to hear, although sometimes the subject matter is pretty out there. For instance, her song about who's going to heaven and who's going to hell was a little bit intense. I'll have to see if I can transcribe the lyrics sometime, because it was priceless.

My mom just sent me a hilarious text message saying that the kids are playing "Narnia" at home and they keep talking about "Petah" with a strong british accent. Apparently it's a different name entirely than "Peter."

My friend Mara from next door is back in town tonight and on her way to hang out. Maybe the baby was waiting on her to get home to be born! We will see.

I just have to share this picture I took of Ava and Jace with my phone the other day. Are they not ridiculously cute? I think they look a lot alike in this picture. I guess this it what they would look like if we lived in a cold weather climate!

Waiting on Bindi

She's still inside.

That's good, as far as her lungs go.

But man, oh man, the longer I sit in this bed the worse I feel. I don't know what it is. You'd think laying in bed all day would make you fell more rested and not less, right? Not so much for me, though. I have a headache, I'm sore from laying in basically the same position all the time, and I am hitting a little bit of a wall.

My contractions have stopped completely. Completely. So now we just wait, either for them to start back up on their own, or for me or the baby to show signs of needing to deliver right away.

I won't lie, I'm frustrated.

I don't like not knowing what's happening.

A large part of me wants her out here, where I can see her, where the doctors can help her. I don't like waiting for an infection to start or her to go into distress, but I also see how she can benefit from extra time on the inside.

Just one of those things, I guess. The kids are coming to visit today, which is exciting, and I'm really looking forward to it. What I'm not looking forward to is figuring out the logistics of what to do with the kids all through next week if I'm still pregnant. Can we have it be Christmas Break now? That would be nice. My Aunt Lori is flying in on Sunday to help my mom with the kids, so hopefully that means my mom will be able to still make her shifts at work and not miss out on that. I'm really grateful to her for dropping everything and heading down here from Indiana to help us out. Plus, she and my mom are very close, so hopefully they'll be able to have a good time together, too.

Other than that, I'm just sitting here, waiting. Have a mentioned I'm not very good at that?

Beached

So I figured I would take a turn from the doom and gloom of my last couple of postings. (My water BROKE! Baby is EARLY! Lungs are not READY!) and tell you all about how I have become a beached whale.

Well, if there were such a thing as a 130 pound beached whale, that is. It would be me.

I'm in this big, pretty hospital room, right smack in the middle. My left arm is attached to an IV pole at the side of my bed that is feeding me continuous antibiotics and fluids. I am wearing the monitors to track my contractions and the baby's heartrate, and the cords for that go off to the right. The blood pressure cuff on my arm also goes off to the right. Then, I'm wearing these squeezie things on my legs that are supposed to keep me from getting blood clots, and the cords for those go off the foot of the bed.

Now that I think about it, maybe I'm not beached. It's more like I'm hog tied.

Literally every limb is tied to something that reaches off into another direction. Do I even need to explain how hard it is to go to the bathroom? I sat in a dark room for twenty minutes just now because for some reason I couldn't bring myself to call the nurse to turn on a light. I was literally trying to jedi mind trick the light switch.

And I didn't even think it was weird.

Until now, of course. Now I'm realizing it sounds pretty darn weird.

And seriously? If only you could see how stylish I look right now. Man. Oh. Man. I would go into detail, but just describing the awesome one size fits all forest green socks that have tread on BOTH sides of them would use words that I just don't have right now.

It's intense.

Alright, I'm going to go order dinner now. I'm committing to ordering something besides Grilled Cheese, so I don't grow to hate it, but it's going to be tough. I don't deal well with change.

That might be the understatement of the year. Maybe that should be the tagline of my blog!

Suprise! Immature Lungs! (That was Sarcasm)

So the amnio came back and the baby has immature lungs. Of course, it was a total long shot that they would have been mature...I am only 32 weeks and I have gestational diabetes.

So, we won't be inducing today like we would have if her lungs were mature. That being said, my doctor does not necessarily think the baby won't come today or tomorrow. We're just hoping that the stress of the baby being in there without any fluid might help her lungs out a bit before she makes her grand entrance.

It's basically just a game weighing all the pros and cons of her being out or in, and the plan has already changed about 15 times in the past 12 hours, so I can't even hazard a guess anymore. Right now I am not in active labor, and she is reactive and doing well, so we're in a holding pattern. The second the doctor sees an issue with me or with her, the baby comes out, right away.

I'm feeling much better about it all now that they've finally allowed me to eat a meal, and while it's hard not knowing from second to second what's going on, it's very reassuring being able to hear her heartbeat all the time. That said, though, I'm worried about what's going to happen, too.

She's going to have a tough time once things move forward...there's some question over whether she will tolerate labor well due to her size and gestational age, and the words emergency c-section were thrown around a lot today. Luckily, that has passed for now, and I'm just in prayer about the NICU stay ahead of her. This will be my third experience in the NICU, and all the memories of all the breakdowns I had watching my babies suffer because I couldn't manage to keep them on the inside are really close to the surface right now. I am so blessed by our hospital's NICU, and Seth would not be here today without them, but I hate that she is going to have to go through lots of the same things her brothers did. Apparently she didn't get the memo about how the girls in our family are supposed to stay put until at least 37 weeks.

Anyway, it's all a lot of hurry up and wait right now. I covet all of your prayers for our little girl.

Still Pregnant

Morning!

So, I totally jinxed myself in my last post.

My water broke when I was in bed last night. Because that's that kind of thing that happens to me.

So I'm writing this post, once again, from a hospital bed. But I'm still pregnant, which we didn't think would be the case in the wee hours of this morning- while the contractions were pretty strong through the night, they slowed down this morning and I'm only about 4 centimeters right now.

I'm here for the long haul, whether that means she's born today, or tomorrow, or in a week. The scary thing about ruptured membranes is infection, so they're keeping a very close eye on us both.

The big things we're waiting on today are the results of the amniocentesis to tell us if the baby's lungs are ready, and for my doctor to consult with my perinatologist and decide if they need to take the baby now or whether they can wait for me to get into active labor on my own.

I'm sure I'll be checking in...I will probably update Twitter more often than the blog. You can always see my latest few tweets on the left sidebar of my page.

Thank you all for the prayers...we can really use them!

Thankful

Today, I'm thankful for my whole family. My sweet hearing one year old, who couldn't hear a sound last Thanksgiving, can now hear me whisper in his ear.

These two beautiful, spirited kids who have helped me survive the past several months of my life when I wasn't sure I could, who have made me laugh when all I want to do is cry.

All three of them, and their unique, funny personalities. I can't imagine life without them, and I love how much they each remind me of little things about their brother and help keep his memory alive.

And another thing I'm really thankful for? The fact that I'm showing you a 32 week picture of my BELLY instead of a 32 week picture of the new BABY. Thank GOD!

And also? I'm really, really thankful for all of you who have come alongside my family this year. Two years. Three years. Since Eli died, or since Seth was diagnosed, or since my husband left. Whether you're a reader I've never met, one of the great people I've become "real life" friends with thanks to this place, or a friend or family member who keeps up with us here, your support has meant the world to me. One of you hit the nail right on the head the other day...this place has become my outlet, the place I tell the stories I would normally tell at home, the place I can bounce ideas off of and vent to and I can't tell you how much you've all helped me.  I'm so thankful for you!

We had a laid back lunch this morning with the kids' dad, and now we're just hanging out. We may make some side dishes I'm craving later...we'll see. To see what we were doing last year at this time, check out last year's post. I hope everyone has a great day!

Seth, the sickness, and his Skin Its

I thought a post in honor of my sweet, blue eyed, half naked, farmers tan having, skin it wearing, pink eye contracting, still the baby boy was a good choice tonight.

First off, yes, I do dress him sometimes. I know it seems like he lives in nothing but a cloth diaper, but it's not true.

Not totally, at least. But to be honest, he does sleep in a diaper every night (the central air doesn't do a great job in his room) and eat in a diaper at every meal at home (he gets too messy to wear clothes), and since I'm pretty lazy, it seems silly to throw clothes on him when we're at home when it seems like we're always heading to or from a meal or a nap.

Plus, this week we have had no school and no therapies! So we're pretty much all just chilling in whatever this week. It feels so weird not to have eighteen places to be by 8 am! I am not looking forward to it all starting again on Monday, although we've all missed our friends.

Anyway, don't Seth's processors look smashing? The company that manufactures Seth's implants, Advanced Bionics, partnered with a company called Skin Its, who makes stick on covers for cell phones, lap tops, stuff like that, and now they make awesome decorations for his CIs! You can pick from about a zillion different designs, or even upload your own photos. Seeing as I was someone who used to stock up on every boyish sticker she could find to decorate his processors, these have been so fun to play with! I think making them look cool is one of the best ways to let people know that we're cool with talking about what's on Seth's head. I've noticed that when we have nothing on them, people ask what kind of medical device he has, and they act kind of turned off, or they just stare and don't ask. When they're decorated, they seem to feel more comfortable asking what in the world they are. And believe me, we have gotten some doozies...people have thought they were headphones for his own personal IPOD, and once someone asked if he was wearing a bluetooth device.

Anyway, I'm just loving being able to dress his processors up in a fun way, and personally, I think they really make his diaper pop.

Heh. That's funny because I never dress him in clothes. Get it? Get it?

Yeah, sorry, that was dumb.

Anyway, just when I thought Seth had escaped the pinkeye, he got gunky today. We had made a necessary run to the store, and Seth was not thrilled and was yelling about it to everyone who could hear him. When I looked at him in the stroller and saw his eyes getting gross, I tried to get him cleaned up quickly while we finished shopping. Ava noticed and she literally yelled "Oh no! Does he have the sickness?!"

Needless to say, I tried to get her to be quiet before everyone thought he had the swine flu or worse. It didn't work very well, and we had to leave because I didn't want anyone to think we were trying to infect anyone.

So I'm the last one standing, and I'm really, really hoping I don't get pinkeye! What is the deal with this stuff, seriously? I can still remember having pinkeye as a seven year old and it was miserable.

Luckily he's still a pretty happy camper, and while the big kids did some important work on Starfall, we spent the afternoon playing on the floor, which...man, that's not very easy for me to do anymore! But it was apparently a very important component of the game Seth wanted to play, which was basically singing "The Wheels On The Bus" over and over while pushing a truck back and forth on the floor, then putting his hands on mine and making me do all the motions for patty cake, even though he won't do them on his own. He just likes to make me do it all.

But that's my baby. At least for a little while longer!

"Finally, I got what I wanted!"

Those are the words I heard my five year old utter as we left the hair salon yesterday. "Finally! I got what I really wanted!" When I asked her what she meant by that, she shrugged and smiled very smugly at me. "I told you when you got your hair cut that I wanted mine cut like yours, and you said no! So I cut it myself, and now, I have my short hair, and I'm just like you. I told you I was your twin."

Looks pretty happy with herself, huh? I mean, it's true. When I got my hair cut a few months back, she did tell me she wanted hers cut. And I said emphatically, categorically, no. No way. I loved her long hair. So you can imagine how I felt when I found the clippings hidden in her bedroom and took the time to examine her layered hair a little more carefully, when I found that it was a little more layered than than it had previously been. After I recovered, I took her to get it evened out, and she had over six inches cut off. When the hairdresser asked her how she wanted it to look, the random gesticulations she was making around her head and shoulders and the phrases like "Well, I think it should be about the length of my shoulders, or something like that. But I'll like whatever you do." would have made me laugh if I wasn't so sad to see that hair go.

But we survived it, and as you can tell, she apparently just felt like she had to take matters into her own hands. And yes, she also asks me before she eats anything if I like it too, so that she knows if she can eat it. Because she is going through a just like Mom phase, which I have to say is pretty endearing. I'll take it.

I have to tell you, though, the visit to the hair salon was pretty entertaining. There were only a few people there when we got there, and when we were taken to the back, Ava went first, then Jace, then me with Seth's stroller. At first I wasn't paying attention, but then I looked up and saw three women just staring at us.

"Oh my word!" One of them exclaimed. "I didn't think people did that anymore!"

At first I looked around, wondering what or who she was talking about, but then I realized as they kept talking that they were referring to the number of kids I had and the fact that I was pregnant. They went on, and on, and on for what felt like forever about how they just never see people with that many kids anymore and they're all so young and blah blah blah and how they really hoped the one I was pregnant with was a girl so I didn't have to deal with three boys and it was all I could do to say that there was another one that should be there, but the hair salon didn't really seem to be the place to bring up dead babies. I ended up just kind of smiling and nodding, while they asked questions about how I take them all out alone and where they go to school, and I just stood there watching Ava get her hair cut while Jace played with Seth in the stroller.

After awhile, they started commenting on how well behaved they were, and I thanked them and said "We try...they're good kids!" Jace was totally eating up the attention and kept them going the entire time. Luckily they stayed well behaved and we got out of there without anything happening that would make them think badly of our apparently humongous family. It kind of cracked me up. I've never felt so much like a circus. I mean, three kids is really not that many, is it?

I guess it's just a matter of opinion...I have very few friends with only children, and most have more than two. Three or four is a pretty common number in our circle of friends, but who knows, but I guess that could be because we have tended to become close to other families like our own. But I love having multiple kids, and I love having them close together! Yes, it's harder to get out of the house, but you get used to it, and then it's pretty much like anything else. But the positives of having built in friends and playmates is just the coolest, and watching how much fun they have together and how the older ones pass down the things they know to the younger ones almost by osmosis is crazy.

So I guess I should thank this one, my firstborn, thrilled with her short hair daughter, for being such a sweet baby that we just had to have more! Thanks, Bava.

We're alive!

I know, it's late afternoon and lots of you knew I had an appointment this morning! You guys are tenacious! I love it. It was my intention to update right after my appointment, but as usual, things around here are never as simple as they should be.

Jace has been sick...in fact, his pediatrician called me with the report from urgent care and said that his double ear infection actually said that his eardrums were bulging on both sides. Ouch! He was doing much better last night, but when I came home at eight after John's visit with the kids, Ava was telling me her eyes felt weird. Sure enough, within a few hours, she had a full blown case of conjunctivitis of her own. Her face was swollen, her eyes were really puffy, and she was really uncomfortable and therefore awake most of the night. Jace apparently can't live without her, so the only plus to them both being "the same kind of sick" (their words)  was that I could let them be around each other again, so they spent the night propping each other up on the couch.

And, of course, now they're all coughing and Seth has woken up wheezing the past two days. No sign of pink eye or ear troubles for him yet, but with him everything always seems to go straight to his lungs. Luckily we have just about every medication and breathing treatment he could ever need here at home because he's has such serious emergency issues before, so we're in good shape to treat him at home as needed. So far it's been very mild.

So, that was this morning. So I was already pretty tired when I made it to my appointment, but I did make it, and everything went reasonably well. Fewer contractions than usual (yay!) and she was nice and active. My fundal height was measuring about a month smaller than it should have been, so my doctor did an ultrasound and things look okay. We've got an average baby (58th percentile) in there, which is a first for me! It was a huge relief for me to see that she's over 4 pounds now. For some reason, that feels a LOT bigger than 3 pounds something. It still feels really, really strange that she's so little, though. Seth at this point was already well over six pounds.

So things are going ok. I will say I think I am more exhausted than I have ever been. I came home from my appointment, which was basically a bunch of sitting around, and it was all I could do to get the kids fed lunch and put down for rest time so I could lay down. I am just completely tired and having a hard time getting any good rest, and I just feel like there are lots of things happening. I can't quite put my finger on them, but I definitely feel different than I did last week or before, and I'm just feeling a little anxious.

But the upside is that tomorrow marks 32 weeks and that feels so much better than 31, especially since over the weekend we weren't sure I'd make it to 32! So that's a praise!

I have some other things to post about, mostly the fact that my daughter cut her hair off and what the end result was, but it will have to wait until the kids are in bed. Hope everyone is having a good day!

A day.

Look at you guys! You're like my own little Web MD up in here!

Also, thanks for boosting my morale and putting my number above 300. You crack me up.

I didn't want to skip posting this morning because I know there are those of you who would think that meant the baby was on her way, but the day has gotten off to what you might call an unpromising start, and before it turns into another post about how annoyed I am, I just wanted to let everyone know that the baby is doing fine and I'm not in labor. If that changes, I'll let you know!

Now I have to stop typing before I unload a whole ton of stuff about how my daughter cut her hair, my son painted on the floor, and other people are driving me up the wall. A lot. Because at the end of that post, I think I would still be just an annoyed as I am now.

So I just won't write it. Hopefully by the time I have another chance to post, I'll be able to think of something productive to write about.

Have a good Monday!

All over the place

Everything went pretty well today....a little more effacement and more contractions, but I'm at home tonight with the worst heartburn ever. Not fun!

Thanks for all the sweet words and thoughts today. I appreciate it! I'm looking into the PO Box thing...I'll get back to you all. Feel free to email me in the meantime. 

OK, so I've never paid that close attention to my followers, but I noticed the other day that I was at 299, which I thought was pretty cool since I thought I was going to break 300 soon. Then I've lost a follower every day since and I think I'm starting to take it personally! I think that's when I know I'm overtired and overextended...when losing followers on my blog makes me feel bad. lol. They were probably people that followed for the recent giveaway and then unfollowed. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself. 

Speaking of giveaways, my friend Mandy is having one. I think you still have a while to enter to win up to $50 from a bunch of cool stores. Check it out!

I think maybe each paragraph in this post is going to have a different subject. I'm feeling a little scattered, if you can't tell. Ava and Jace are doing there best to stay awake all night and they are driving me up the wall...literally. The couch I'm sitting on leans up against the wall of their bedroom where there bunk beds sit, so they are only about 12" from me and I can hear every bit of how they are not even trying to go to sleep. I keep telling myself I have to pick my battles, but I might be picking this one in a minute. 

So I think I figured out why Seth's been waking up so much at night...he just had his four 1 year old molars come in, so I thought he was done for a while, but I saw tonight that he has both top incisors coming in. Doesn't look very fun. No wonder he hasn't been feeling very great! Poor baby. 

So. Heartburn. I need you all to spam me with ways to make it better. I have TUMS, and they are doing a whole lot of nothing. It's so bad that it literally makes me throw up. I have literally never had such bad heartburn, ever. It feels like burning hot lava and I want to die. 

There. Was that dramatic enough for you guys to feel sorry for me and give me ideas? Hope so. =)

OK, now the kids are out of bed completely. Have to go deal with them. Have a good night!

Soggy and Serious. Sorry!

UPDATE: so you guys know I wasn't trolling for gifts, right? (this will make more sense if you read the whole post) I was talking more about the emotional side of it all. Just wanted to clarify that my intention was not to make you all send things! As usual, you all overwhelm me with your kindness.

So I'm sitting here in my relatively quiet, relatively clean house. To be honest, I'd like it to be both cleaner and quieter, but concessions need to be made when you have one sick kid and are trying to keep him away from the other kids who may or may not be sick. My neighbor texted this morning from their Thanksgiving trip to tell me two things; 1) She also has pinkeye, and 2) not to have the baby today.

So I'm hoping this sickness is something that is just between our two houses and not our homeschool co-op or the entire school. Jace seems to be feeling better today, but he came out of his room around six because his eyes were completely crusted shut. It was gross. But I was actually really impressed by how well he found his way out of bed, through a hall, past a gate, across a room, and to me without tripping or falling with eyes that were sealed shut.

Seth woke up literally four times last night. The last time, early this morning, he was up because he had graced us with the grossest bowel movement ever. On his sheets. overflowing from his (cloth) diaper. And I couldn't find the wipes. Or pick him up, Or lay him down. It was ugly. I'm hoping it was the brownies I let him have yesterday for my mom's birthday and not that he's getting sick.

But the waking up? Got to stop. There is not one single night that goes by lately that I don't end up with a four and five year old sneaking into my bed and a one year old screaming every few hours for milk or to be rocked or just to remind me that he's here. I know, Seth. You're here. You're the baby. I get it.

As far as the older kids go, Jace just wakes up and wanders around. I can usually send him back to bed okay and he'll be fine. Ava, though, does it because she's scared and nervous and dealing with other stuff. In the past couple of days I've also heard what sounds suspiciously like stutter when she's talking. I know she's feeling a lot of pressure about a lot of things right now, and I know her...she's exactly like me. She internalizes every bit of it. This happened just before Seth was born, too, and we had to really be tough on her to get her back in her bed full time. It worked well then, but things are a little more complicated now, and it's harder to be the one to get up and walk her back to be every single time when I've just fallen back asleep myself.

So the nights have not been great. Then, last night I was doing a fetal kick count before bed, and the baby came thisclose to failing it. Something similar happened just before Eli died, and John and I shrugged it off, so I was kind of a mess. All the kids were asleep, the neighbors were out of town, and I wasn't sure what to do. In the end, I repeated the count for another hour and she ended up just squeaking by, but I was still really nervous. It was my mom's birthday and I didn't want to bother her, and I had no reason to believe that my husband would come running.

So it's starting...the anxiety over trying to keep her in so she can grow over the anxiety over wanting her out so I know she's not going to die on me before she's even born. And yes, I can pray. And yes, I do pray. All the time. And yes, I know that God has a plan for her just like he did for Seth and Eli and Jace and Ava. But  plans go awry, in the fallen world we live in. So it's impossible not to worry. (And if you theologically don't believe that some things happen that God doesn't mean to happen, I respect that, but don't tell me the whole reason for everything right now.) Then I get to worry about if she does come and has to spend a month in the NICU. How do I do that? I'm a single parent. I've never typed that before. I hate it. When Jace & Seth were born and in the hospital I had both my husband and my mom around to help, and it was still crazy.

Ok. This was not my plan for today, but I'm going to have to ask you all to bear with me as I wallow and talk about my marriage for a minute. I don't do it a lot anymore, but I hope you can put up with me for a few minutes. My brain is just going on without me today.

I guess the worst part is that my husband is missing it all. Not really missing it, per se, since it's all been his choice, but I know the man he was and if he misses his daughter's birth the same way he's missed her pregnancy, there is going to be a day where it hits him harder than he's ever imagined. Because yes, it's easy to say he doesn't want to be a part of her pregnancy and birth because I'm a part of them, but she's our baby. These are our kids. You can't just take me out of the equation. I'm not just an incubator for these kids until they appear.  And there will be a day she asks what happened on the day she was born, just like Ava has, just like Jace has. They know all kinds of details about their births. Ava knows her dad almost passed out when she was being born. Jace knows just how sick he was. and how his dad sat by his isolette for four hours until the nurses finally figured out something was wrong with Jace and took him to the NICU. They care about these stories, just like Seth will care when he sees the video of everyone in the room completely losing it laughing and crying when he was born screaming.

I guess I'm just disappointed in myself, because even after everything, I never thought that he would let himself become someone who doesn't show up for his kids and the mother of his children. I mean, fine. Hate me. Be in love with someone else, or whatever. But I've carried and delivered four children, about to be five. I gave up a lot, too. I have spent six years insane with pregnancy hormones, not knowing who in the heck I was half the time. I just wish men could understand how pregnancy, breastfeeding, the hormones, all of it, turn you into a person you don't recognize sometimes, and it's not an excuse, and it's not just a myth. I remember when I was pregnant with Ava I read some quote that basically said to make as few big, life altering decisions during pregnancy as possible, that between the hormones and the inevitable misunderstandings that would arise, it was a recipe for disaster.

Yeah. You could say that. I hate this. I hate being so emotional I can't hold a conversation without crying. I hate feeling so sorry for myself and my kids all the time. I mean, why would I want to be with someone who wants to be with someone else anyway? I have never, ever been that type of person. And yet here I am, a stupid mess over someone who blames me completely for every problem we've ever had, who has a freaking  girlfriend while he's still married.

I'm an idiot.

But God, I'm looking at my kids playing right now and they're laughing and rolling around on the floor together and what am I going to do when I have to deal with telling them that I'm not married to their dad anymore? Because that's the thing. I don't believe in divorce. Even after it's all over, I'll still feel married. I actually believe that vows mean something, that love and devotion and loyalty are choices and not feelings. That it's forever, even when you're annoyed or unhappy. I mean, yes...work towards fixing it. But don't give up and start from scratch, especially when you have several years and several kids under your belt! If you're willing to start over with someone new you don't really know, why in the world would you not start to rebuild what you have, what you made a vow to God you would preserve, instead? I don't want my kids to have a step mother. I don't want them to even have to know this girl exists, but that has already happened. I'm sick of being jealous of someone who is not even worth it. I hate this. I don't want to be in the hospital having my baby and have everyone feel sorry for me because my husband didn't feel like coming.

I hate this. I should be stronger than this. That's what the biggest joke about all this is. Everyone talks about how I'm so strong and how they would have never been able to deal with their baby dying, and their baby being deaf, and their husband leaving and being on their own pregnant with three kids for five months.

Here's a newsflash, though. It doesn't mean you're strong, it just means you're still alive. If I was really strong, I would want nothing to do with him. If I was really strong, I would have been able to grieve Eli and hold onto my marriage. If I was really strong, I would have done a better job balancing my kids and my husband, even through Seth's insane first year. I mean, truthfully, if I was really strong, I would have actually made a case for the fact that I'm not actually the only who is capable of making mistakes.

But instead, I'm here with them, and at some point, I won't be strong enough or good enough, and they might give up on me, too. Who knows. Maybe they'll blame me for all the things he does. Because I can't hold it together every second, and I can't be the parent I want to be for them without someone to support me, too. Because I want attention, too. I want someone over the age of five to like me, to walk in the door and be happy to see me. I want someone to leave me notes and hug me and make me feel special because I'm delivering a child for them. I don't want to sit in my house Christmas morning and not even have a card to open, all the time knowing he's spent time picking out something special for someone else and hasn't even thought of me, or what that morning will look like for me and the kids without him there.

Man, I feel sorry for myself today, huh? Wow. I just wish I didn't have to feel like such a loser for not getting over my marriage overnight.

Thanks for letting me whine. I appreciate it. I think I'm just exhausted from this week and sometimes this all gets really old.

I'm off to the hospital in a little while for monitoring and hopefully will be back home today. Thanks for all the prayers, I really appreciate them.

When it rains, it pours!

So when I got home last night, Jace was acting a a little off. His eyes were pretty irritated, and he just wasn't acting like himself.

By the middle of the night, he was literally screaming and writhing on the couch, crying because his throat and his eyes and his ears hurt so badly. He couldn't even lay down...he ended up sleeping sitting up on the couch. Then, Seth was up for about three hours, screaming his head off for no reason. Then Ava freaked out because she was the only one not freaking out.

We managed to survive the night and headed to urgent care late this morning, and it turns out Jace has conjunctivitis (Pink Eye), a double ear infection, and probably strep throat. How's that for a triple whammy? Poor little boy. He's never had an ear infection in his life. Or strep throat. Or pink eye, for that matter. I feel so bad for him. And bad for me, because man, oh man, is he ever miserable, and contagious, and I am totally freaking out about Ava and Seth getting it. Oh, and he started coughing. And now he's running a low fever. He's apparently getting every sickness in the world, all at once.

I mean, it's great timing in that the kids are off school next week. Not so great timing in that I could have a baby next week. Ugh.

And to think, my plan today was to write a post that had nothing to do with pregnancy or babies or kids at all. Best laid plans...

I'm going to try to catch a nap during their rest time. Please pray for Jace's eyes, ears, throat, and not none of the other kids (or me!) will catch anything.

Sprung! Sort of.

UPDATE: I'm outta here! For now, at least...thanks for all of the prayers! Can't wait to get home. 


Well, Doctor G was just in here and I get to go home in a few hours! 


I have to wait for the 24 hour mark for my steroid shot, and then I will be free to go. Kind of. I'll go home for tomorrow, and come back on Sunday for monitoring. Then, assuming all goes well, I will go home and head to my normal OB appointment on Tuesday, then come back to the hospital for monitoring on Friday. That will get us to 32 weeks and 2 days, which is much better than now. As of now, though, baby girl is looking great, and the real contractions I'm having are not doing much yet as compared to the amount I was already dilated and effaced yesterday.


Kind of a strange arrangement, but it means I get to be at home with my kids longer, so I'm all for it!


The kids came to visit this afternoon and found every single hide and seek hiding place that the room had to offer. Ava was so funny...she sat on my bed with me and said "So, how did your day go? How was the shot last night? How much did it hurt? A lot? A little?" She's a very curious girl. I also got to watch Days of Our Lives, so both of those things were nice. What's not so nice is that I feel like my tailbone is about to break in half from this bed! Delivery beds were really, really not designed for long term sitting/laying. 


Gotta go so I can eat one more hospital grilled cheese before I go home to the kiddos. They're off school all of next week, and I still haven't figured out if that's a good or bad thing.


I'll check in from home!

Morning Update

So, I just recently woke up. And by that, of course, I mean I gave up on trying to sleep anymore. Labor beds are really uncomfortable! I always forget that. I actually slept okay and didn't have to take anything to sleep like my doctor thought I might. I just woke up. A lot. And had to roll over. A lot. Which is not so easy when you're trying to keep your baby on the monitor so you do freak out and think she died. Ready for an update?

I had a long chat with my doctor last night, and he had had another long chat with the Perinatologist. My OB is Doctor G (Mara and I like to call him that because he's very hip and cool. And if you knew him right now you would be busting a gut laughing. No no, I make fun of him all of the time, but he is a great doctor and this will be the third of my babies he's delivered. He is both very conservative, in that he'll stick me in the hospital at the drop of a hat to ensure the baby's safety, and very liberal in that during labor and delivery he'll pretty much let me do what I want as far as pushing, laboring, etc. goes. Or, you know, as much as I can do when I'm hooked up to an IV and monitors.

Anyway, they talked (The Peri is Dr. F). Basically, the Fetal Fibronectin test is looking for something called...wait for it....Fetal Fibronectin. Yeah, so simple it's confusing. Fetal Fibronectin is kind of like a glue that holds the amniotic sac to the uterine wall, and if it's present when they swab for it, it means that glue is starting to break down, which means that your body is preparing for labor. If the test is negative for the substance, you have almost no chance of going into labor within the next two weeks. With a positive result, things are more iffy, and it basically is telling us that contractions are going to cause a lot more change in my cervix at this point than they would if the "glue" was not starting to break down. Not sure if that made any sense. Sorry!

So in any case, it's not a guarantee I'll go into labor, but it's a good indicator that my body is going there again. Especially when you throw my history of three 34-35 week babies in there, and recall that my last baby was actually my earliest baby. My body just seems to jump into gear faster and faster. As my nurse last night said, "You're going the wrong way!" Don't I know it.

Wow, got off track. All that considered, Doctor F thinks I have about a 60% chance of delivering in the next two weeks. I'm 31 weeks 2 days right now, and the positive test came in yesterday. We spent lots of time talking about why my membranes have ruptured without being in active labor so many times. I had always thought the pre term contractions/dilation and my water breaking were kind of unrelated, and Doctor G explained how by my cervix dilating early every time, it opens the amniotic sac up to the elements, if you will, and that can lead to it infection or to weakening early and breaking before you're in active labor, or any labor at all.. That made it all make SO MUCH more sense to me! I could never figure out why I had so many seemingly unrelated issues going on. I mean, when everyone tells you no ones water breaks in real life and that's all on the movies and then it happens to you three times in a row, you start to feel kind of weird about it all. I know it's the most dramatic way to know that bahy's coming, but seriously!

So, it's likely my membranes will rupture again. If that's the case and it happens after 32 weeks 0 days (Five days away), he will not do anything to stop labor. Although he does keep women in the hospital with ruptured membranes for days or weeks at a time if it's called for, he feels that after 32 weeks she's going to do better out than in in that case, especially considering the risks of infection and prolapsed cord, and our history with Eli.

If my water doesn't break, then we will try to hold labor off until 34 or possibly 35 weeks, and I'm not sure what means may be necessary (Not magnesium, please not magnesium!) If she is not here within the next two weeks and my Fetal Fibronectin test is still positive, we will repeat the betamethasone steroids and see when she decides to make her appearance.

I will say that I've been on the monitors since 5:30 yesterday afternoon and I don't think any of us realized how often I was actually having irritability and contractions. The irritability is happening every minute or so, and I'm having a few "real" contractions an hour. I put the real in quotations because although they are lasting 30 seconds to a minute, they feel very mild and I barely notice them. My cervix will get checked later today and if there is no change from yesterday, I will be able to go home this evening after my second shot.

After Doctor G left, one of my very favorite NICU nurses ever came by. She said she checks the board for my name every night and finally saw it last night. She was Seth's regular night nurse and her daughter and Ava play on the same soccer team, so we have  become friends. She hung out and chatted for a while, and she said that she and all the nurses are up to speed and ready for the baby whenever she decides to come. She also said "I cannot believe you made it this long!" which cracked me up. The whole staff fell in love with Seth and I know this new baby will be in amazing hands with them, because it's become very clear that I won't be able to be with her every second (literally) like I was with Seth. But there's nothing better than knowing who is taking care of your baby, and this NICU is amazing. It's a level 3 and the only reason I would have to worry about the baby getting transferred is if she needed surgery, which is unlikely at this gestation. Plus, it's a mile from home, which is so, so nice.

So, I'm feeling better this morning. I have kind of come to terms with it all, and am embracing the fact that we have a great hospital and NICU here, so whatever happens, she and I will get great care.

I'm going to order breakfast now. Unfortunately, I don't think they'll let me have a grilled cheese. So uncool.

Blah. Ergh. Ugh.

I'm writing this post from the hospital.

Ugh.

I thought I was prepared for this, but apparently I was very, very wrong.

The upside is that I am hopefully just here for 24 hours. Of course, I am scared they will never let me out.

I had another OB appointment this morning and I had another non stress test and my doctor repeated the fetal fibronectin test. For the first time in five pregnancies with pre-term labor, it was positive. Ugh! He consulted with my Perinatologist and I got the call to head straight to the hospital. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. I'm stuck here while I get the betamethasone shots to mature the baby's lungs, and they administer them 24 hours apart. So I had to scramble to get childcare...my mom had to call into work, which I feel terrible about, and I had to throw some things in a bag and head out. Ava was not thrilled, and frankly, neither was I.

This is the part that sucks the most...feeling like I have to choose between my kids. I know that's silly, that I'm not actually choosing, and that she's just fine and so is Jace and so is Seth, but I HATE being away from them. A lot. I was really looking forward to a relaxing night at home.

I know. I'm whining. I'm thankful that the baby is getting the steroid shots, but this is so similar to everything that happened with Eli that it freaks me out. He's the only other baby I got the steroids with, the only other baby I was hospitalized before birth for. I just want her to be okay. And I want to be at home with my other kids. And I want to not be worrying about this stuff. Just talking with my doctor today about what her challenges are likely to be and how long we can expect her to be in the NICU after she's born (yes, at this point, they're just planning on her spending time there), and knowing what a challenging road it has been with Seth is really overwhelming. Sometimes I am just so mad that this is all happening....John, all these early, sick babies, then being separated from the ones at home. Being alone at the hospital when every other time I've been hospitalized John stayed every night with me. Sometimes it just sucks.

As of right now, everything is okay. I got my first shot at 7:30 and I'm having about the same amount of contractions/irritability as I was this morning. Let's just pray that all that stays the same so I can go home after my second shot tomorrow night!

On the upside, this hospital makes the best grilled cheese around. Score!

31 weeks!

One more week down! I'm feeling okay...I've gained about 20 pounds or so, am now up to three insulin shots daily, and am so happy to be nearing the end of these progesterone shots. Last week, the nurse administering the shot had some trouble depressing the plunger on the syringe and man, oh man, that hurt! I ended up standing there with a needle in my hip for about five minutes while she tried to jam the plunger down. Not fun.

Unfortunately, things are not looking quite so good on the labor front. I am another centimeter dilated from last week and over 50% effaced, which is totally new. I go in tomorrow for another non stress test and to repeat the fetal fibronectin test, and he said he feels pretty sure it will be positive this time. He pretty much said he'd be happy to see me go two more weeks, and that if I can hang on that long, we'll be in relatively good shape. If the test tomorrow is positive, he's going to go ahead and do the betamethasone shots to help develop her lungs.

The frustrating thing is, I am not feeling any contractions. I get tired, yes, and every one in a while I feel very mild braxton hicks type tightening, but nothing I can identify as a contraction, and yet every week my cervix is more effaced and dilated.

My OB said it's nothing to feel bad about...that this is just another sign that things are heading in the same direction as the last three babies, except maybe a bit earlier. It makes sense, to a point...Jace and Eli were both born at 35 weeks, and Seth came a week earlier, and he says it looks like this baby may make an appearance earlier than him. The positive thing is that this baby is a girl, and for whatever reason girls generally do better than boys when born prematurely, and she's not as big as the boys were, which means she won't have as much weight to deal with...for whatever reason, the smaller babies tend to be able to breathe a little better, too, when there is less weight for their already compromised lungs to deal with.

It is what it is...I'm trying to be upbeat about it, although it's hard with the holidays and everyone going out of town. My mom is going to watch the kids when it's time, and my friend Mara is planning to be in the delivery room with me, but she and her family will be out of town all of next week as well as the following weekend, so it's a little nerve wracking. John cannot be at the hospital or watch the kids...work stuff, or something. Who knows. So we're hoping the timing works out. Then, if she does come this early, I am of course wondering if she will be home for Christmas or stuck in the hospital. It's a lot to think about.

On another note, though, the kids are getting super excited about their sister getting here. All except Seth, who has no clue what's going on but is going to be super ticked when he figures it out. He is the clingiest, most attached baby I have every had, and I don't mind it at all (and love it in a lot of ways), but it is going to be very challenging when this baby gets here.

Can I just say that I am completely sucked into Days of Our Lives right now? I rushed home from home school today to watch it because I am loving that Sami finally knows that Sidney is her baby. I have not been this excited about this show in years.

And yes, there is an AB post coming, for the people who have written to ask! I'm getting there. =)

Fetch!

So, today is Seth's 16 month birthday. I don't think I even told him or the kids, which is odd, since we tend to make a big deal about monthly birthdays around here. I meant to get pictures of him and do a Dear Seth post, but it will have to wait, because it turns out it's really hard to get pictures of a one year old who is in constant motion and whines constantly for you to stand three feet in front of him and move backwards slowly so he feels comfortable trying to walk towards you.

He doesn't want to walk in front of someone holding hands, he wants to walk towards someone. Which means you have to walk backwards in front of him, bent over and holding your hands out to catch him before he face plants, which happens pretty frequently. If you sit down or, god forbid, expect him to sit down, he whines uncontrollably and says "Help! Help! Help!" all while holding his arms up to you and circling his hands at the wrists wildly. I don't know why, but it does make it all look much more dramatic when he does the hand circling thing.

So, point is, it's pretty much impossible to do that and hold a camera and take a picture at the same time. Not that I didn't try, mind you. Just didn't work too well.

But you know what did work well? For one of the first times ever, I am loving a McDonald's toy. It's some Nerf target shooter, and it shoots out these little...thingies. Seems pretty simple, but Seth was obsessed with it and we literally spent half an hour before bedtime playing fetch. He brought me the dart thing (it's not a dart, but I don't actually know what it is, so...dart is what I'm calling it), inserted it into the holder himself, which made him very proud, then waited impatiently, bouncing up and down on his knees, until I shot it across the living room floor, at which point he crawled after it really, really fast.

Then we did it all over again. He probably crawled twenty feet to pick it up and twenty feet back to do it again about fifty times. He definitely got his cardio in tonight, and the best part? I did not hear one single peep from him when I put him to bed. It may have to become a nightly tradition!

I feel kind of bad about essentially making him play fetch, although he was really into it. Have you ever done something to your kids to get them to eat/sleep/give you peace and quiet that you're vaguely ashamed of? I mean, you shouldn't be too ashamed, especially if it worked, but I want to know what it is! Tell me.

More interesting news from the OB today, but that will have to wait until my next post. I am beat.

UPDATE:

I had no idea that November 17th was also Prematurity Awareness Day. Please head on over to my friend Trish's blog to read about her son's fight for survival. Seth was nowhere near as premature as her son, Robbie, but he had his very own unique fight due to Respiratory Distress Syndrome. Jace went through the same thing. Both boys could not breathe on their own, even though they were 7 lb 10 oz and 7 lb 6 oz, respectively. They both needed 3 doses of surfactant, something that the March of Dimes helped to develop that mimics a natural secretion of the lungs that allows them to expand. They were sick, sick kids. Most people hear about a 34 or 35 weeker and say "Oh, they're fine! That's not really a preemie." But it is. 34 weeks is not term. 35 weeks is not full term. Even though some babies are born at that gestation and do just fine, others just plain don't, and I happen to know two of them personally. But seriously, check out Trish's blog...her words touched my heart tonight.

And if you're feeling led to help preemies and their families, a really cool way to do it is by volunteering to help out Survival Mode Parent, an organization very close to my heart. How hard is it to take an hour out of your day to help out a parent who has been stuck in the NICU for days or weeks? So cool.

Can't forget the Knight...

I just can't do cute photo posts of both Ava and Seth without throwing in some cute pictures of my man of the house. Yes, these posts are short on content but long on cute! Besides, I'm feeling dramatic tonight and believe me, you do not feel like hearing me kvetch. Like, for instance, did you know that my dishwasher is broken? I tried to fix it but I broke it more. That was frustrating. And I still only have one working bathroom, although I have done just about everything with a toilet snake you can do, and I will forever feel a little dirty because of it. And my refrigerator is making a very strange sound. My houses organs seem to be slowly shutting down. But...oh yeah, this is a post about Jace, yes?

Yes. Such a happy boy...he is in love with his Pre-K teacher this year, and he thinks she is the prettiest girl in his class. She is pretty amazing, I have to say. He left his sweatshirt at school today and when he realized it he told me "Wow, that wasn't a very good idea. I really should have remembered it." Totally rational response. You might not think much of that, but if you saw him last year, when he got sent home from school because he couldn't recover from the trifecta of broken potato chips, uneven socks, and a wrinkled rest time towel and had to be picked up early because he had the tantrum to end all tantrums, you would see how far he's come. (Wow, that was a crazy long sentence. Sorry.) I am loving four on Jace so, so much more than three. Three was a tough one for us.

He loves his brother and sister and is excited about the new baby and is already asking when we can have another one. "Let's have ten more babies!" He tells me all the time. I tell him maybe we'll take it one at a time. I guess it's a good thing that he looks at new siblings in a positive light, but there is no way I am having ten more babies. Seriously, dude.

He's starting to branch out with his career choices, and he's now contemplating either being a knight or a clown when he grows up. Because those are both definitely up and coming professions in our area, you know. He also says that the main thing he is going to do when he grows up is never, ever move out of my house and live with me forever.

Fine with me, buddy.

Can you hear the Hallelujah Chorus from there?

Hallelujah! Something amazing happened today...you want to know what it is, right? Right? Okay, okay, you talked me into it.

Yep, he finally did it! Two days shy of his 16 month birthday, Seth took his first unassisted steps. He was cruising on the couch and as I came walking out of my bedroom, he apparently got very excited to see me, and before either one of us knew it, he was just running towards me, holding onto nothing! It was literally the first time he had even attempted to stand without support, much less walk (or run!) He made it all four or five steps to me and we all lost it, screaming and yelling and dancing around. He was a little taken aback at first, but it didn't take long for him to catch onto the fact that he got a whole lot of attention for attempting to walk. So he wanted to do it again. And again. And so on. Repeat for about an hour.

None of his attempts were quite as successful as his first run across the floor, but he's definitely got the idea in his head now and he's moving with purpose! As you can see in the pictures, he is just thrilled with himself. He couldn't stop smiling the entire time. I don't know if he knew what in the world he was doing, but he knew it was a very big deal!

Go Baby Go! His therapist is going to die when she sees him this week. Up to now, he has been completely content cruising from place to place and has never shown any interest in standing or walking unassisted. I guess we should have tried screaming and yelling like lunatics sooner!

Drumroll, Please...

We have a winner! This person will soon have a beautiful piece of Nelle & Lizzy jewelry to grace their lovely hand/neck/arm whatever with.

Because we like to do things the most complicated way possible, I didn't use random.org to pick a winner. I used my kids. Yes, it was interesting. But way more cute than random.org, I think.

And here it is for your viewing pleasure! For those of you who can't view the video or don't feel like watching my kids look insanely cute, the winner is posted below the video. But just so you know, not wanting to watch my kids babble randomly on video means you have no heart. Just kidding. Sort of.

heatherbealonis, email me! You're our big winner! Seth picked your name right out of his very fancy Diego lunch box. Congratulations...pick out your jewelry in good health!

For everyone else, you all probably won right after her. After Seth drew the first name, he got pretty excited about it and proceeded to pull out and hand to me or Ava oh, about a hundred names. I wish I could give you all the gift certificate, but alas...I can't. 

But please, consider supporting a really cool company like Nelle & Lizzy, who donated both of these gift cards out of the goodness of their hearts. 

I saw a few people asked if you could get a name added to your ring at a later date, and it's my understanding that you cannot. Something about the stamping process and stretching. What you can do, however, is order, for example, a triple ring even if you only have two kids. Then, if/when you have a third, you can send the ring back to Nelle & Lizzy for stamping of the third band. I think it's $25 at that point. Much cheaper than a new ring, though! Obviously you can do the same if you get a double ring and only have one child, etc. 

Thanks for participating in such a fun contest! I had a great time reading all of your jokes, your kind words, and your very entertaining name guesses. There were a few of you who guessed names that would almost have certainly been Seth's name had he been a girl...Eliza and Nora were two of our front runners back then.

Alas, no one actually guessed the name, and as my neighbor said yesterday "There's no way anyone is going to guess this name. I mean...you just can't." Of course, she knows the name, so she might just be trying to throw you guys off. I don't know. She's kind of sneaky like that. 

The kids and I have spent a very productive morning cleaning the house from top to bottom, watching some Bindi the Jungle Girl, and now they're trying to talk me into the mall and I'm trying my hardest to resist. Maybe I'll let them talk me into it if it means we can go to Sharper Image and get those chair massages. I need one!

Congratulations, Heather! Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Sweet Skateboarder

Ava's favorite new word is "Sweet!"

Actually, it's more like "Suh-WEET!"

She says it roughly 168 times a day. So now Jace says it, too. Everything is sweet. Running into a curb? Sweet. A random blade of grass? Sweet. Who taught her this usage? I need to know. No, seriously.

My silly, sweet, sassy skateboarder, who seems so much older than 5. Today I found her mopping the floor, totally on her own. She said she likes making things easier for me, since I'm having a baby.

She keeps me smiling and my sides in stitches every single day.

Today was Field Day at her school and she spent the day running relays, jumping in potato sacks, and playing tug of war. She's not afraid to get dirty and have a good time, although she's also dramatic as all get out. She's the first one to raise her hand and offer to pray, and during her soccer season, the award she most often received was "Most Christlike." I told her that was much more important then scoring goals.

She's the one I find holding a huge bug right in the palm of her hand so that everyone can check it out up close and personal. I'm the one you'll see screaming "Ava! Put that bug down right NOW!" I'm easygoing like that.

Of course, she also loves getting her nails painted and having tea parties on the living room floor. She's the perfect mix of girly girl and tomboy. She's fun and hilarious...dramatic and challenging. Today, she stopped in the middle of a race to pick up someone else's shoe and return it to them. She was more concerned with helping them than with winning. She's a good sportsman.

But most of all, she's totally sweet suh-WEET!

Within Normal Limits!

Remember to leave your comment here to be entered to win a $50 gift certificate to Nelle & Lizzy! I will be closing the contest sometime after school tomorrow and announcing the winner over the weekend!

____________________________

Today? Today was one of those rare days. One of those days that don't seem to come around as often as I would like.

It was a good day. A really good day. And all because of him.

It started out like any other day. We dropped the kids off at school and then headed over to the therapy center to do speech and physical therapy. When we got there, Seth's speech therapist mentioned it was time to do a speech and language evaluation with Seth today. The last time we evaluated him officially was six months ago, and we did an unofficial evaluation right around his birthday.

I was nervous. I may have mentioned that Seth has been obsessed with cruising, crawling, and climbing, and not so interested in listening and imitating and learning new words. It's a normal phase, but it has been really, really frustrating. I was feeling lots of pressure because I was worried that I hadn't been working hard enough with him at home, and that he would have lost ground since his last evaluation.

Oh, and now would probably be a good time to mention that this month marked Seth's hearing half birthday! He has officially been activated and listening for six months now. I can't believe it's already been 7 months since his surgery. (He spent one month after surgery healing up before he had his initial stimulation).

This might be a good time to remind you all of that day, May 5th, 2009, when Seth heard with his CI's for the first time:

Is that not the coolest thing you've ever seen? I mean, I might be biased, but the way that baby boy turned and smiled at me is something I will never, ever forget. This is a baby I thought would never be able to hear my voice. 


So we went through the evaluation, which took the entire session. At the end, she sat, totaling up all the values and then looked up at me, smiling.

Then she told me that for expressive and receptive language, Seth is completely age appropriate. No delays! Not only that...he hit a home run on the listening evaluation and scored 14 points above the level he needed to be age appropriate, which put him roughly around the 24 month level.

Yeah, my jaw was on the floor. Even with the rut we've been in, he still managed to stay age appropriate in all areas and excel in others! What a rockstar!

Then, we headed into physical therapy, where there were several therapy students interning along with our normal therapist. Our therapist spent pretty much the entire thirty minutes detailing how bad off Seth was when he came in for therapy and all the strides he's made. She talked about his hypotonia, and his terrible core strength, and how he could barely lift his head when he came to her.

Then she said that since his first birthday he has done nothing but amaze her, that many times she notices a difference in him from one day to the very next, and that the muscles in his feet and ankles are so much better than they were last month that she's rethinking her decision to put him in orthotics! She says she thinks he's compensating on his own and that while he's still borderline, if he keeps progressing like he is right now, they won't be necessary. We have been about to order his orthotics every single week for probably two months now, and it keeps getting pushed back for administrative and insurance issues, and it turns out he might not even need them! She was also raving about how stable he is now and how far he has come with his sensory disorder...he was literally sitting and playing in the rice box, and for those of you with sensory kids, you probably know how crazy that is.

I could not be more proud of all the hard work he has put in.

After that, we headed to the audiology department at our children's hospital for his mapping (cochlear implant programming). Seth hasn't been in the booth for four or five months, and we decided to put him in today and see just how well he hears.

And, well, knock me over with a feather.

Let me show you a picture.

That's an audiogram. On the left, you'll see the level of sound, and across the top, the frequency (low to high from left to right). On the outer right side you'll see the levels of hearing from normal to profound, and their corresponding decibel levels.

All those letters scattered across it are speech sounds. It's called the speech banana...to hear and understand speech you need to be able to hear all those sounds. If you picture the audiogram like an ocean, if you have normal hearing, the water level will be up high, around the 10-20 decibel mark, and you'll be able to hear everything that falls below that line. Leaves rustling fall at about 5-10 decibels. A baby crying is 60. A dog barking is 70 decibels. An airplaine is 100-110. Wherever your hearing threshold falls, you can hear all the sounds that fall below it (meaning they're louder as you go down the page).

Seth's natural hearing was somewhere between 90-110 decibels. It's marked on the chart by the bubble with the letters NH on the right (Natural Hearing) You can see that according to the chart, without amplification, Seth could hear a jet plane. Of course, having Auditory Neuropathy complicated things and made his hearing fluctuate, but for all intents and purposes, his was a profound hearing loss.

After Seth received his hearing aids, his hearing improved to the level of about 60-70 decibels. That's marked by the bubble marked HA for hearing aid. They gave him access to environmental sounds like the dog barking and loud crying or shouting. On good days, he might have caught the bottom of the speech banana, but as you can see, he was missing a ton of sounds.

Today, Seth tested in the booth. See that bubble with the letters CI? That's where he responded to speech sounds today. 10 decibels. TEN DECIBELS. If you follow that 10 decibel line across to the right, you'll see the bracket it falls under.

Normal hearing.

Normal flipping hearing.

My deaf baby has normal hearing.

I knew it, I knew he could hear remarkably well, but something about hearing that number just makes it hit home for me. My son, who I thought would never hear me tell him I love him, can hear birds chirping. He can hear leaves crunching. He can hear the secrets his brother and sister whisper to him.

Not only that, but he can talk. He has over fifteen words, talks about apples and puppies and going bye bye. He says his sister's name and when he wakes up in the morning he calls out mine.

Just six months ago, Seth was just learning to sit up. He could not roll over. He was hearing well for the first time in his life. He had no words and very limited babbling.

And now, he talks. He climbs. He crawls. He listens. He laughs.

Yeah, today was a good day.