While writing Not Me Monday.

 I have not been sitting here for ten minutes trying to think of funny things I have not done this week. To be truthful, I can think of a million things I have not done that are pathetic, or painful, or just plain sad.

For instance, last night I did not find a song that reminded me of Eli, and I did not play it over and over until I was feeling miserable. I did not get mad at John when he didn't feel like wallowing like I did.

I do not still feel Eli's loss like a gaping hole in my heart and in my family, and my brain and heart and soul do not feel exhausted from grief.

I am not feeling completely overwhelmed with Seth's therapy schedule and the plans for his surgery and this huge fundraiser we are doing. I am not frustrated at how long it is taking to get it going and I am not starting to feel hopeless before we have even begun.

This other side of the coin is hard. Dark and dirty. There is how I feel most of the time...sad because Eli is gone, but happy he is in heaven. Challenged by Seth's deafness, but optomistic about his life. But on the bad days, the bad weeks, the times when I am driving along down the road and it all hits me like a ton of bricks...It all just sucks.

I have a dead baby. I have a deaf baby. And I have two older kids who have a mom who is not always fully  present, which sucks for them. While most of the time I know that this is God refining me, making me a better person, more like him, sometimes it is just more than I can take.
I want Eli back. More than anything, I see the space in my family where he should be and it makes me jealous of my friends who have their babies. I load my kids into the car and it feels empty instead of full. Every day I get with Seth is a reminder of a day I did not get with Eli, a number of days that are adding up all too quickly to two years. Two years without him! There have been several times I've pulled out an outfit with the tags still on it and it always takes me a few minutes to realize that this was an outfit bought for Eli, not for Jace or Seth. Something he never got to wear. I just miss him, and I hate never having gotten to know him on the outside...what he would have been like, what would have made him laugh, whether he would be happy or cranky or colicky, when he would have started walking, running, what his first words would have been.

When you're grieving the loss of a newborn, it's not just the loss of that newborn that gets you. It's the loss of every moment after. I am missing my lost newborn, my lost one year old, my lost two year old. Every time I think I am at peace with it, another stage of his life that I never got to experience hits me, and it's like I am back at square one. I know he is in heaven with God, and I am thankful for that, but I just wish it could have been another way.

Like the movie Sliding Doors. What if there is some reality where I am happy and at home with my four children? I wish I was her. I wish none of this had ever happened.

But it has. On the bad days, I feel like I can't go on. On the good days, I know God is using me for something bigger, and that we are privileged to be here, privileged to have been given Eli for the time we had him, privileged to be given Seth with his deafness...I am aware that if he hadn't been given the antibiotics that caused his deafness, he could have died, too. On good days, I know that there is a purpose.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.

Thanksgiving Hangover

Dinner went great yesterday! I am exhausted today, though. Major headache. So I leave you with a couple pictures of my kiddos on Thanksgiving:

Now for some migraine meds and bed!

Random Answers.

I think I am coming down with the flu. Or a cold. Either way, I don't like it! Not good for much tonight, so I am just going to answer a couple of questions that have come my way lately.

First, to Rose, who wrote:

Hi! I could use your advice then.... I'm looking for a stroller that rocks, of course (and rolls) but that can also be used with a jogger. I have a jeep and a baby trend and am ready to throw them both to the curb! I want to sell both and just have one, multipurpose stroller.

One stroller? Good luck! Just kidding. It is possible! You need to evaluate your needs. When you say jogging stroller, you need to clarify a bit. Do you actually want to run, or do you just want something all terrain? I'm going to assume you want to jog, and so I would take a look at the Bob Revolution if I were you. It has sixteen inch tires and shocks in back (you want at least sixteen inch tires for running), but a smaller swivel wheel in front, so it is actually great as a jogger outside and very responsive and nimble inside. A lot of people buy it for their one and only. If you didn't want to jog and want something a big smaller, you could check out the Baby Jogger City Mini. It has an amazingly small fold and is super light, while still having a huge seat, full recline, and the best canopy ever. The tires are EVA foam and have shocks in front. It is suitable for use on decent pavement and parks, etc. Absolute best errand stroller ever...I can literally hold my baby and fold the stroller all at the same time.

A quick aside about brands...I am not a brand snob. But I am an engineering snob. A well engineered stroller will make your life easier, and a badly engineered stroller will make it harder. In most cases, the extra cost of some of the higher end brands is totally worth it when you factor in how long they last and how well they work, as opposed to many brands, which you end up replacing at least once or twice.

Hope that helps, Rose!



Second, to Les, who writes:

I have the bugaboo cameleon.. and I LOVE IT! Bought it about at half price used from a sweet mom. Every time I use it I am excited because it is so Great!! Is this one good El?

Awesome deal, Les! I will let this picture speak louder than any words could:

This is Ava and Jace back when we first got our Cameleon. Isn't she adorable? Jace's feet are pretty cute, too. =) This stroller has been through the wringer with us, and it is still one of my go to strollers. Seth rode in it at halloween, and Jace loves the ride on board! It has the best, biggest toddler board of any stroller I've seen. Love it, it's great on the beach, at the mall, and outside! So Les, you have a great stroller!

Audrey said this:

As a tech, I hope that you are correcting the misconception that rear facing is only for babies! My 15 month is still rearfacing and will be until he reaches 35 lbs!!

Why yes, Audrey! I am an annoyingly huge proponent of extended rear facing. Kids who forward face before the age of two are ridiculously more likely to suffer severe spinal injury...five times more likely, in fact! It's simple, really. When children are young (under the age of 3-6), their spinal column is connected by cartilage. Under pressure from a crash, it can stretch up to two inches. The spinal cord, however, can only stretch 1/4 of an inch. This leads to a terrible injury called internal decapitation, and it can be avoided by keeping the babies rear facing as long as possible...up to 35 pounds. For us, that was 2 1/2 for Ava, and 2 years old for Jace. The legal minimum of 1 year/20 pounds is severely outdated, and just that, a minimum, and not best practice.

People always aske how I ever kept them rear facing that long, but they loved it! Plus they never knew any different. My life actually got harder when they turned around...they became my own personal backseat drivers, and they hated how their legs would fall asleep.


Finally, Julie asked:

Your hair is cute!! What's wrong with it?

Nothing is wrong with it, per se. =) I was a little upset the day that it was cut, as the guy totally styled it in a mom style. I also didn't like the wispy bangs he gave me. But really, I was just mourning the loss of my long hair, which was like this:

And it was actually quite a big longer in the back, which you can't see here. So I think I was just having trouble identifying with myself as someone with "short" hair. I don't like change, you see. =)

Now I have to go make a shopping list for Thanksgiving. Fun!

Widget-y Goodness

So I have never mentioned what I do in real life, outside of chasing my many children around, that is. But I do have a job, if you can believe it! I am a child passenger safety technician, which basically means I educate parents on how to use their carseats correctly and transport their kids safely. Believe it or not, 4 out of 5 carseats are misused!

I became a tech about a year and a half ago. Here is a dorky story: Soon after Eli died, I was at loose ends. I had always wanted to become a tech, but never had time to attend the week long intensive training course, or babysitters to watch the kids so I could do it. I really wanted to be able to do something to create a legacy for Eli, and to help other parents avoid going through losing a child like we had.

Well, my birthday was coming up, and John, knowing what a geek I am at heart, got me the best birthday gift ever. He called around to all of our friends and set up babysitting for both kids each day of the week. He adjusted his schedule so that he could drop them off in the morning and pick them up in the evening. He secretly signed me up for the class. He made it possible for me to become a tech, and he made it possible for me to create a legacy for Eli.

So now I am a CPS Tech. I work out of a baby boutique owned by a very good friend, and I get to play with a lot of awesome carseats, strollers, and other baby gear. But most of all, I get to help teach parents how to keep their kids safe. It is the best and the worst job...the days when parents are receptive and leave with their child safer than when they came are awesome. The days when parents ask my professional opinion and then blatantly disregard it pretty much suck. =) But most of all, I know that through Eli's death, I was able to become someone who could help save other baby's lives, and so indirectly, because of Eli, other babies have been saved. I think that is pretty cool.

Another cool effect of working where I work is that I have literally owned and used every single & double stroller in existence. =) Every single item we sell in the store gets tested out, and if we don't like it, we stop carrying it. So this time around, with Seth, I got all kinds of amazing little gadgets (widgets, if you will...) and gear that make life with kids simpler, cuter, or more fun. So I think I will probably start to do a few posts here and there about the things I use with Seth that make my life with a bunch of kids easier.

I think I may call it Widget Wednesday, as one of the definitions is this:

widget
noun
2.
a device or control that is very useful for a particular job

The "particular job" being, of course, baby raising. =) And Wednesday because it also starts with W. So, yeah. I am also reserving the right to forget to do it sometimes...I do have kids to take care of! So stay tuned for that!

That money is gone forever.

I am exhausted from my busy night of TWILIGHT! Mara, Mara's sister Megan, and I all stood in line behind a lot of screaming teenagers to see the movie. I could tell you about it....but...suffice to say that afterward, Megan stood karate kicking the wall of the theater, demanding her $9.50 back. The wall was unmoved.

So instead of regaling you with tales of the two scenes of the movie I enjoyed, or the legions of screaming girls we watched the movie with, I will show you some things I know you are much more interested in!

Like...my hair.





I apologize for my strange expression...I was in a rush to leave for the movie and I talk a lot and very fast. John was trying to get me to pose and I was saying "Hurry up and take it I have to go! Come on!"

Here is what my dear family was doing this evening when I was leaving.




The kids (including the biggest one there) love the trampoline and as you can tell from the jackets...it is freezing cold in Florida right now! Breath visible in the air cold! It is insane.

But here is the most adorable part of my evening, hands down...Seth B. representing and flashing me and I love you sign.


How adorable is that?! He is a genius. And here is my precious baby doing what he does best...looking scrumptious. Don't you just want to grab him and love on him? I sure do, but that would wake him up, and interrupt the amazing dream he appears to be having.



Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. =)

How many people does it take to make a button?

OK, so you've all heard the joke. How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? There are various answers, but the overarching theme is that it always takes more people than you would think.

I am not any different, people! It has taken a village to build my button! It took you all requesting it, my friend Sarah's beautiful design skills, John's friend Wayne's impressive web design skills, and a lot of waiting on my part to make this one, little button!




Isn't it pretty?! You will notice it on the sidebar where you can grab it and take it home to your own blog (just copy the code and paste into a html widget in blogger)! Please, please, do!
If you prefer your buttons in the horizontal style, we have yet another option for you:


We're all about choices here! =)

I have to say I am loving finally having a real thing to show what we are doing for Seth. I have been trying to find a way to put into words how I am feeling about this whole thing, and I can't even begin.

This will change Seth's whole life. Can a person get by and live a perfectly useful life without hearing and speaking? Yes, of course! We see amazing deaf individuals who do it every day. I will be proud of Seth for identifying with other deaf children and adults. But what if we could give him more? What if he could learn to listen, hear, and speak? What if he could choose between being part of the hearing community or deaf community and switch back and forth as he likes...what if he didn't have to choose at all?

That is what getting cochlear implants gives him the chance to do. It gives him every single opportunity a typical kid has, and I think that is amazing! For the first time in a long time I feel utterly convicted! I love God. I love him! I love being a christian and I love our faith! But the past couple of years have been hard on me, people. This is me being real and trasparent, and ugly. It has been hard. I spent an entire year unable to go into the church service. I would volunteer for whatever I could find to keep from going in. Because every time, worshipping made me burst into tears. The first few times, people were very supportive. But you can only play the dead baby card for so long, and as kind and loving as people are, they can't deal with stuff they have never experienced. I made people uncomfortable. When a baby dies, there is nothing people can do.

After Eli died, my friend told me that if we ever had another baby, that baby would be spoiled so much it would be ridiculous. And it has been true. Because of his big brother Eli, people have been invested in Seth from the moment I got pregnant. They love him, just as we do. He is here because his brother died. He is loved, in part, because people are lavishing the love they never got to give Eli onto him. But that's ok! I know that Eli would be glad to know that people's love for him is being manifested in love for Seth and not anger over his death. Eli, just by existing, has helped pave the way for Seth. By helping Seth, people can finally do what they could never do for Eli...something tangible, something to really help. No one can help when a baby dies. But now, we can all work together, we can all help. Seth can benefit from our efforts...Seth could hear! I have no doubt, God is working in me, and in John, and in all of us to make that goal a reality.

So please, think about taking his button to your page and spreading the word. Seth is going to do something great, I know it, whether he can hear or not. But if we can reach others with his story, maybe we can help as many people learn about deafness and about God as help us get to our goal.

Wheels on our "Bommoms"

Man, people, have I had a day! Man oh man.

It started innocently enough. I was tossing random clothes in the general direction of my kids and taking a cursory glance at Seth to make sure he was presentable enough in last night's pajamas, as we were heading out the door running late for Seth's pediatrician appointment. Just before we walked out the door, the power...went...out.

In case you didn't know, we live in Florida.

It was 80 today.

I knew immediately that I was an idiot and had forgotten to pay the bill, so to make myself feel better, I called John to make him feel like an idiot along with me. He did, we did, it was fun. He called to fix things while I schlepped the kids to the pediatrician. We had to drive to a neighboring city for this appointment, about a 40 minute drive.

We got to the office for what was supposed to be a super quick visit, one simple shot, in and out.

Yeah. About that...they had to weigh Seth, then we had to wait in the room for the nurse to bring the Synagis shot. Ava was perturbed.

"But Mama, he cannot get a shot! He is  a baby! He is JUST a BABY! Babies cannot get SHOTS!" With each word, her voice slid up higher, until it sounded like a dogs whistle (A whistle you use to call a dog, not an actual whistling dog, of course).

"Ava, you are not getting a shot. Seth can take it. He will be ok! Get back on the blue!" (Yes, I had employed my classic strategy, that of making my children touch a certain colored item in the room and not stray from it.)

Finally the nurse came in and gave Seth his shot. He was not pleased.

"OK, you just have to sit here for 10 minutes to make sure he doesn't have a reaction! I will set the timer." The nurse smiled and was out of the room. I decided to nurse the baby while we waited. The kids were supposed to be sitting in the blue chairs.

"Mama, can we tap? If we are touching the blue, can we tap the floor with our shoes?"

"OK, guys, I guess. Just stay touching the blue."

"Yes, Mama!" They both chorused sweetly.

Ten seconds later, the kids were leaping around the room, running from crocodlies, which were the green tiles on the floor, and trying to get to "dry land" which were the brown tiles.

Finally, I heard the ten minute timer go off. I waited a few minutes for the nurse to release us, but she doesn't come. Maybe she meant we could just leave after ten minutes? I unlatched Seth, burped him, got him in his car seat, and got the kids wrangled, sighing a huge sigh of relief as the kids celebrate getting to leave. As I opened the door, the nurse looked up.

"Oh, I meant to tell you! I looked in the notes, and it says that they prefer you to stay for 20 minutes. Just a few more minutes!"

I stared at her in disbelief for a moment, then just nodded and headed back into the room. Ava and Jace looked at me, incredulous.

"But you said we were...leaving! This is not leaving! This is staying! Have you ever heard of opposites, Mama?" Ava thought it was a good time to educate me. Jace was quivering, trying to physically hold himself back from leaping onto the spinny doctor's stool and making himself so dissy he'd throws u. Seth looked hungry.

It was a loooong few minutes.

At last, we got the green light to leave, and I walked out the door. I had missed a bajillion calls. The power was still not back on, because the card did not work. I needed to head for the bank to make a deposit.

I have GPS. I looked up a nearby branch. Even though I followed the directions, I got lost. The kids were freaking out because we were supposed to be at playgroup, and they had become convince they would "never ever never never" get there.. I kind of had to agree with them.

Finally, I found the bank, deposited the money, and headed to playgroup (40 minutes in another direction). I was late. By the time we reached the mall, they were already eating. Power was still not on. I started to stress out. I am not amish, people! Even if I did want to be Amish when I was young, I have now come to the realization that I need power! Electricity! I need you!

I headed to my Grandma's house to nurse Seth, unable to face nursing him in the heat with nothing to distract the older kids, who were beginning to get tired and cranky.

In ten minutes flat, they stressed her out beyond relief. They tried to use a blanket as (gasp) a blanket, when obviously it was meant for a showpiece! They reclined on pillows! They brushed crumbs from their clothes onto the floor and moved pictures.

We needed to get out of there before she stopped loving us all (disclaimer: My grandmother is lovely. She just likes things the way she likes them).

So we headed out again, this time back to a spot nearby the aforementioned pediatrician...meaning 40 minutes away again. Ava had an allergist appointment. On the drive, the radio station we listen to was playing mass (this will be important later).

We got to the allergist, where Jace was singing a song he composed called "We all love shots." With every line, Ava was retorting "We do NOT love Shots! At ALL!" When we took a seat in the waiting room, the kids grabbed a couple of handy pamphlets on constipation.

"See, Jace? This is the inside of a girl's body! Do you want to see?" Ava asked, flashing the illustrations at Jace.

"Yes! And this is the inside of a boy's body! Look at all this stuff!" He answered, pointing excitedly at someone's lower intestine.

We finally got called back into the room, and my kids spent the next twenty minutes, through the entire appointment, spooning on the exam table. I think it took the doctor half the visit to figure out who the patient was.

Eventiually, we headed home, and the power was finally ON! We went to dinner to IHOP with my mom to celebrate, where we had the worst waitress in the entire world. Not even kidding. After 30 minutes of waiting for our food (pancakes), I started to flag our waitress down, and she yelled, over the whole restaurant "It's not READY yet!"

She also left my drink empty for 15 minutes, forgot to bring the kids silverware for ten minutes, and messed up the check. Fun times!

But eventually we got back home, and as I was putting the kids to bed, Ava told me she wanted to pray with me. We pray every night, but tonight, she wanted to pray on her own.

"Dear Lord, please do not seperate yourself from me. Keep me on your path, and lead me in the right direction. Cleave yourself to me and come to me spiritually. Amen."

I stared at her for a few seconds, my mouth open. Normally, her prayers consist of praying for her best friend and Eli.

"Ava, what a nice prayer! Where did you learn that?"

She looks at me, smiling.

"On the radio!"

Apparently she was paying a looot of attention to the catholic mass. =)

What. A. Day.

I have a bunch of stuff I want to post about Seth, but it will have to wait, because of the day I have had, and now I need a drink.

Stepping Out

I have never been good at stepping out in faith. I have friends who can do it easily, who can put almost everything in God's hands, down to the miniscule details of their lives.

Not me, though. I always felt that God helped those who helped themselves, who followed a plan, who followed through.

Now I am being tested, stretched to my limits and beyond, every second of the day. I am being required to step out in faith because I have no other choice. It is a huge wake up call, and yet another reminder that I am not in control.

Everywhere I turn, I find that nothing is up to me! I cannot control anything in my life right now, but...but...myself. And possibly my children at times. Not often, though.

Our life is at a huge crossroads right now, as we choose our plan of action for Seth's future. All of the appointments we have had these past two weeks have gone amazingly well, and we have prayed and prayed and prayed and I feel at peace. I have chosen the path I feel led to take, and I am stepping out in faith.

I have faith that giving Seth cochlear implants will improve his life and expand his opportunities. Faith that two is better than one. Faith that the peace I feel at these choices is from God and I can finally start to relax. God is good! He gives. He takes away. I have experienced both, and now I am experiencing stepping out in complete faith in Him, that this is all in his plan and the fact that we will have to humble ourselves and fundraise like crazy will not only benefit Seth, but that Seth will benefit every single person he touches. Who knows how many people he can bring to Christ just by being deaf, being himself? I know God has great plans for my son.

So I am being humbled, tested, and pretty soundly beaten up! I don't want to ask for money. Every fiber of my being is against it. But my son is more important, and him getting this implant in a timely manner is so, so important. So we are brainstorming! Stay tuned for our ideas to be firmed up and posted here. We have amazing friends who have things they are planning, and as for us, and me, here, online, we are starting small.

One of the companies John works with has graciously offered to donate some cool "livestrong" style bracelets (or, for those of you in the mommy blogiverse, Stellan style =)). When they come in, we'll be offering them for sale here, so that if you guys want to help support us in our quest, that would be amazing.

But here is where I can use some help! We will be putting the website address on them, but I also want to add a catchy phrase to them. Something along the lines of "Help turn on my ears!" Or, you know, better. Catchier. Short, sweet, to the point, fits on a bracelet. Easy, right? And a color! We need a color!

So give me a hand! Leave me a comment with what color you think would be good and a catchy phrase. It could even be witty. I like witty. Or serious! The floor is yours...so step out and let me know your ideas!

Sleep Deprivation, or, My brain turns to mush

My brain is so full of technical mumbo jumbo these days that I think it has begun to kick all the useful information right out. I can tell you off the top of my head the statistical percentage of benefit a child receives from bilateral implants versus unilateral, but ask me when my children's birthdays are or what they want for Christmas? Blank.

I was sitting with my mom one day eating lunch, trying to describe something to her, and I said:

"You know, like one of those things. Those things you put a drink in." She looked at me for a moment, then shook her head.

"Are you talking about a cup?" She was trying not to laugh.

"Yes! A CUP!"

How pathetic is that? I had forgotten the word CUP! Ridiculous.

But don't worry, that is not all I forget. My pregnancy planner ran out at the end of September and since then, I have been "keeping" all of my appointments in my phone. By "keeping" I mean "sticking the appointment card somewhere near my phone, meaning to enter the appointment, and then going somewhere else, taking phone, and leaving said appointment card, therefore losing it immediately."

To be fair, this is not a new development...I have always been a procrastinator. Just ask my best friend from high school, Kara. She and her mom would happily testify to my inability to show up on time in court. I know her mom worries about my kids survival, what with having such a flaky parent. She probably thinks I feed them breakfast for lunch, I run so late.

Anyway, I digress. Point is, organization is an issue for me, and I think I need a planner I can write in, instead of using my phone. I looked at Target, I looked at Borders. I didn't find anything that would work. I know the reason...I am in love with a planner already. Nothing else will do for me.

I am in love with the MomAgenda. Isn't it beautiful? Lots of fun, bright colors. Pretty script. I can personalize it with my name, or a short, witty saying! It's a school year planner, so you don't have to wait until January to start it! Then you open it up, and for each day, you get a section for you, and a dedicated section for EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR KIDS (unless you have more than 4 kids. Then you are out of luck.)! I can write down Ava's speech therapy, Seth's ear mold fitting, and his 4 month check up, and Jace's flu shot, all in their own slots, and plan my days accordingly.

Or you know, I could, if I had this planner. But I don't, so I will pine from afar, dreaming of the smooth leather cover, adding it to my christmas list. I will also be supremely annoyed at my own lack of organizational skills as I realize that I have my children all scheduled for the above appointments within two hours, tomorrow. Yeah, this should be fun.

He danced!

I saw a friend's bracelet at church today and commented on how pretty it was. She showed me the inscription, which read:


God danced the day you were born.

Wow, that is simple, huh? I had seen and heard it before, but it really hit me today. But wow! God danced. God danced! He danced on the day I was born. He danced on the day Ava was gifted to us. He danced even as Jace was rushed down to the NICU, not breathing. Even in times of terrible trial, God celebrates each and every life!

As Eli was born too silent, too still, still God celebrated him. There is no doubt in my mind that while my baby's life was too, too brief, he was still celebrated and loved. I cannot tell you how much it helps me to know that while we celebrated our son even while we grieved him, that God was doing the same. Maybe He was dancing with tears running down His face, but Eli was celebrated nonetheless. As we held him and sang him the last lullabies we would get to sing to him, God was holding him, too, and healing every hurt he had. Looking back, I can see myself holding my son, and I can picture God's arms wrapped around us both, around everyone in the room and all those outside who were affected by his all too short life.

And Seth...now, with Seth, I knew. I could feel it, as he was born, as he gave us pause as he took his own sweet time to cry out, in the palpable tension in the room. As we heard that first, most amazing cry, all the walls came down. Everything I had not let myself hope for suddenly came rushing in. A baby, a baby who was breathing and red and screaming! As my mom, and John, and my best friends, and my doctor, and the NICU nurses all cried tears of joy at the simplest yet hardest thing ever...a baby being born safely, I could feel God there, dancing and weeping joyful tears along with us. Because there is something about a baby that comes after a loss. You suddenly know how easy it is not, how unbearably hard it can be to have a healthy baby. When something finally goes right it feels like the most precious gift imaginable.

I love that God danced for each and every one of my children, each and every one of your children, and each and every child born on this earth, no matter what or who their parents believed in! Children are so, so precious to us. While I know that life is precious to God, I just love knowing that they are so precious and lovely to him that he dances when they are born!

Exhaustion

The kids had a great day today at a friend's birthday party, and I had a great time getting to hang out with them and John at the same time! I am exhausted, Seth is growth spurting and so a little but fussy, and I need to sleep.

We took him to the air park today for a party, and since there would be jet engines around, I thought maybe we'd get a response from him, especially with his aids in, but nothing. He pitched a fit because the sun was too much for him, fair redhead that he is, and I had to tie a burp cloth onto his head, doo rag style.

My brain is churning trying to come up with ideas to get the money we need for Seth's surgery. I couldn't think of any legal ways to make money fast, so I asked John if he knows of any drugs he could sell, but that was a no go, even when I told him that if he really loved me he'd find some. Ridiculous.

I cannot keep my eyes open, and Seth gave up long ago, so we are off to bed!

Foto Friday!

My thoughts are a muddled swirl today, so instead of a real post, you're going to get pictures of our family! Yay you!

This is me with my two of my very best friends since high school. Lindsey (on your left) is Ava's godmother, and Kara (on your right) is Jace's godmother. They both live way too far away!

This is a picture taken at my baby shower just five days before Seth made his appearance! The lovely ladies in this picture have been through the wringer with me, and I love them for that and lots of other things. After everything we've been through, they definitely qualify as family!

Ava and Jace with their one and only cousin, Caedren. She also lives way too far away!

I just really like this one. =)

And this one is my mom, Ava, Seth and I on Ava's birthday this year (number 4). Jace isn't in it because he was too busy running around, and John isn't it it because he was taking the picture.

All these pictures have out me in a reminiscent mood, so brace yourself for more picture-ific posts to come!

Seth Update, and Giving Up

My baby boy was in great form today!

We started off at Speech Therapy this morning, where Seth made everyone fall in love with him. He was smiley, happy, and very vocal. It was so good to get his evaluation done and get our therapy appointments set. He showed no response to any of the loud toys with his aids in. His therapist said he was unusually vocal for a deaf baby.

Then, this afternoon we headed to St. Pete to go to his ENT. Here is a praise: His ears are normal! That means that even though he can't hear, all the right pieces are there. Praise God!

I have been praying nonstop about the right direction for us to take, and after today, I just feel a real peace about everything, and I feel like the right answer for Seth is a cochlear implant. I feel like people have been placed in our lives to help us reach our decision, but in the end, I do not have any doubt that this peace in our decision is from God.

Thank God that this is finally clear to me! I have been struggling so much in the past four months! It is truly awesome to feel such peace. We love our son, and he is perfect to us...he does not need fixing! I would be overjoyed with my baby boy if he never heard or spoke a word. But what we have the ability to do these days is amazing, and I know that Seth will benefit from it.

But in the end, I give it all up to Him, to God. We are putting ourselves out there. Seth is on schedule to receive his first implant in 6 to 8 months, and hopefully, insurance will cover that. But his second implant will be on us, so I am giving it all up to God to help guide us in efforts to make a second implant a possibility for him. I know He can make it happen, and I know we can do all the work through Him!

So if anyone has any great fundraising ideas, please let me know! Luckly, Seth is pretty cute, so we could plaster his face on some posters if we need to. =)

Hop on Pop

John was home for the first time all week tonight...he's been working a second job and we have hardly seen him! Tonight was also the night "our" seniors come over. We, along with our friends, Chad and Abbi, teach youth group. I can't even tell you how much fun it is! I love spending time with them, and my kids are obsessed with the big kids. They freak out when they come over and by the end of the night, they are exhausted, wired, and wound up, all at once. They are also getting alarmingly good at Mario Kart.

But the thing I love the most about these nights is that I really get a chance to see these kids. We are so blessed to have them around...they have such great hearts and minds, and I can tell they are really striving to work for Christ. It is so heartening to see it, and I love the example they set for my kids to grow into.

__________________________

So, tomorrow is a big day for us...Seth starts his speech therapy! I really have no idea what that will look like, but it is another step towards getting language to our little boy! Then, in the afternoon, we will be meeting with his ENT to discuss the results of his CT scan. So please, send some more prayers our way!

I am exhausted! Hitting my pillow in 3, 2, 1...

Cute Baby votes. Twice.

Voting was awesome today! Jace's girlfriend's mom and I ran into each other at the polling place, so instead of the magazine and book she and I respectively brought, we just gabbed. I was nervous about how long it would take and whether I would have to find a way to nurse Seth without getting out of line. Yes, I worry about strange things.

But it was pointless worry...the line was moving super fast! And I had a surprise in store...just a few voters ahead of me in line was my handsome husband, wearing some terrible aviator shades. No, we did not cut in line.

In just a few moments, we had made it inside and were voting! In our county, they were using paper ballots with a little oval that you fill in for the candidate you want. I was worried that if I did not fill it in perfectly, it would get thrown out, so I was a little crazy about it. Seth waited patiently by my side, apparently very underwhelmed by his first voting experience.

On our way out, we ran into a few other friends who were voting, which was super exciting! It was great to see everyone getting out early! Now to watch the news incessantly, knowing there is nothing else I can do and leaving it all up to Him! I have faith that God has it all under control.

My camera is dead, or you would see an adorable picture here of Seth in his Team Baby sleeper wearing two "I voted!" stickers. Believe me, you would think it was amazingly cute. But the batteries died and I have to find the charger. It's unfortunate.

VOTE! Vote! VOTE!

That is all. =)

Praise!

Today I had to be up very early to get Seth to his CT scan in a city about 45 minutes to an hour away. I do not wake up well. I hate driving in traffic. I was really nervous about Seth having to fast and be sedated.

So taking all that into consideration, you will see that we must have been covered in prayer today when you see how the day went:

6:30: Get up, get dressed, stress about whether to change Seth's diaper and clothes or just put him in his carseat and try to keep him asleep so he won't realize how hungry he is.

6:45: Miraculously transfer baby from bassinet to carseat without waking him.

7:30: We're at the hospital. Pull into wrong parking garage, get lectured by attendant. I stress about whether there is time to find another garage.

7:32: At the end of the lecture, Mr. Nice Attendant Man pauses and...prints me out a ticker anyway! He says to remember the lecture for next time. Whee! I park.

7:45: I make it to registration. The lady is giving out an unfriendly vibe...I am worried.  Baby is awake...uh-oh.

7:50: Pre-registering worked! I am in and out of registration and on my way to Radiology! Baby is smiling at everyone who looks at him. Has he forgotten about eating?

8:00: I am in radiology all signed in and waiting for my radiologist person to arrive. I use Seth's labwork script as a bookmark in Twilight. Things are calm enough to read! Amazing.

8:10: The tech arrives and calls us out. I am nervous about the sedation, and he offers to give the CT scan a shot unsedated first. I agree, but secretly wonder if it's worth it...a hungry baby will not hold still, right?

8:15: There are many velcro tabs to fasten and buckles to buckle to turn Seth into what appears to be a tiny, cuddly bullet in the larger barrel of the CT machine thingy.

8:20: Seth is locked and loaded.

8:30: We are done! No sedation! I do feel a little funny about the fact that he had to kind of hang upside down for a few minutes, though.

8:40: I finally make it to the cafeteria after 3 wrong turns and survive many cafeteria ladies shrieking in Seth's face in my quest to get a fruit and yogurt parfait. I do not tell them he can't hear. They are having too much fun. I manage to sit down, get Seth latched on for his first feeding of the day, and take a bite.

8:41: I realize my book is upstairs in an unidentified radiology room. If I don't find it, I will have to go get a new lab script, and he needs this test done today. I sigh, apologize to Seth, and bring him upstairs.

8:45: I run into the tech! He has my book! The script is still in it!

9:00: We are in the lab. Wait time is unknown.

9:05: They call Seth's name! The guy gets the vein on the fist shot! Seth smiles at him, and does not cry! I am over excited!

9:23: We are on our way home!

So, to recap...we weren't late, we didn't get lost, Seth didn't have to be sedated, and they got his blood drawn, with no trauma to him, in one try! I was NOT expecting it to go so easily.

God is so, so good...thanks for the prayers! We just need a few more...we are going on Thursday to meet with his ENT to talk about the results of his CT scan.

Not Me! Monday

  

There is no way it is Monday again already! Thanks to MckMama and new baby Stellan, here are some things I did not do this week!

 

 

While watching Days of Our Lives, I did not squee like a high school girl when I saw the actor who played Luis on Passions come on the screen! I was not smitten. Not at all.

 

Speaking of high school girls, I did not take the kids to see High School Musical 3 after church under the pretense that they were dying to see it, when really I was dying to see it. I did not fall a little in crush with Zac Efron's inhumanly blue eyes or his whimsical hair cut.

 

I did not go to Blockbuster and rent the first two High School Musicals for Ava to watch, then yell at her for making too much noise and distracing me during the dance numbers. I was not trying to learn the moves.

 

When I heard my son yelling what sounded suspiciously like "Crap! Crap! Crap!" from the backseat the other day, I did not let him convince me that what he was really saying was "Clap! Clap! Clap!" because I was too tired to discipline the infraction properly.

 

When the photographers at church were taking Seth's picture today, I did not look at my husband and say "Do you think it's too late to tell them he can't hear?" as they were whistling, shouting, and squeaking at him to get his attention.  John did not say "Nah, I think they'll figure it out soon on their own." as Seth ignored them happily.

 

When heading out to the movie theater last night (sans kids), I did not seriously consider trying to sneak a jug of sangria into the theater under my jacket.

 

I am not eating my kids halloween candy, but if I was, it would be for their own good. I would be taking one for the team, and saving their teeth while sacrificing my own.

And last but certainly not least, I am not very nervous and in need of prayer for Seth and the CT scan he will be undergoing at 8 am. Oh wait...I am! I am very nervous and I covet your prayers for him. This is a big scan for us, and will tell us a lot about his hearing. Or rather, his lack thereof. The results of this scan will help guide us in the decisions we make for Seth. I would be immensely grateful if you would pray for our little guy!