In our family, Seth gets most of the attention from people outside our family. Everyone was very invested in my pregnancy with him, coming along after Eli as he did, and they were in love with him before he was even born. Then he came early, and he was diagnosed as profoundly deaf, and that love just multiplied. We have been so blessed by everyone lifting our little boy up.
I don't know if you've ever had a special needs child, or one who has gone through something bad enough to warrant a little special treatment. If you had asked me before all of this, I would have told you that out of all of our kids, Seth would be the one who would feel left out, with his CI gear and with being functionally deaf about half of the time (sleeping, bath time, naptime, whenever he manages to break enough pieces on his processor...). I thought people would treat him differently because of his equipment.
I was right, in some ways. They do treat him differently. But it's not in the way that I thought it would be. He gets so much attention, and it's all positive. People say he's even cuter with his gear. They go on and on about how technology has come so far. He is a conversation piece and many times, Ava and Jace are just the older siblings who are along for the ride. We can't go anywhere without people asking about Seth and going on about him, which I like...it means I get to share our journey with someone, many times get to share how God has worked in our lives. But the older kids undeniably get left out. They have had to tag along to Seth's therapies countless times and watch someone "play" with Seth and focus on him completely...they don't realize he's working hard. A lot of our life still revolves around getting Seth where he needs to go, even if that means the kids have to miss school or a playdate.
Sometimes it's hard for me to remember there was a time when our family was untouched by death and deafness. I know that Ava and Jace can't remember a time like that at all. When I'm feeling down about how they get the short end of the stick sometimes, it's a huge blessing to me to know that they have each other. I think if there was only one of them, jealousy would get the better of just about anyone. But together, they can be a team. I used to wonder what we were thinking having kids 1 year apart (and I know everyone else did, too!). I used to wonder if I was cheating Ava out of a babyhood, or Jace out of undivided attention.
Now I know that, just like everything else in my life, there was a design in place before I ever thought to wonder why. Ava and Jace each need a close sibling, one to stand with them and deal with how special needs can take a family over. One to be their constant when their life is unstable.
I thank God every day that he gave me both of these kids, just this close together, and that he gave us a tiny inkling of what to expect with Eli and Seth in Jace's rough start in life. Going through Jace's NICU stay was shocking for us, and looking back, it's all a blur. But if we hadn't had that first experience, we would not have made it through Seth's much more harrowing NICU stay and ongoing issues.
My first two kids, our set of irish twins, are incredibly attached to one another. Sometimes it's a good thing, and sometimes it's bad. They fight all of the time, and I'll often hear them yelling "Fine! You're not invited to my birthday party!" at each other. But at the end of they day, you can always find them shoulder to shoulder on the couch, just hanging out. I hope they continue to grow up knowing that they each have a person that they can be completely themselves with, no matter what.
Let's face it. These days, I don't know many people who aren't feeling the crunch of the economy. Ugh. And there's not a whole lot you can do about your fixed bills, right? I mean, they are what they are. We have trimmed those as much as possible and we don't have any more room to cut down.
So what does that leave us? Where can we save money? Where can we cut corners and have it count for something? I'd love to share what we've done to cut corners and even more than that, I want to hear what you do!
For us, it has been our food budget. I used to be terrible about grocery shopping. Well, that's not true. I was terrible about being budget conscious while shopping. I bought anything that looked good and I almost never bought anything for the kids that wasn't in a snack size container.
In the past several months, I've had to modify my shopping habits, and recently I've had to go even further. I know that our family is not the only one with less money going around these days, so I thought I'd share what works for us.
But first, a disclaimer. I have a friend who is an amazing couponer. Basically every time she goes shopping, they pay her. I hate her. Ok, not really. But I am jealous. But I am also completely incapable of doing what she does. Coupons give me hives. I don't understand them, and when I use them I buy things I don't need, forget them in the car, or let them expire. So I quickly learned that coupons weren't the fix for us, although I have the utmost respect for those who wield them.
Instead. I've found that prioritzing what I spend our money on works the best. I choose the things that are non-negotiable, then fill in with whatever else we can afford that week. While it'd be great to be able to buy organic all the time, it's just not cost effective, at least where we live. I have a few things that I won't budge on though, and those are:
Everything else, I do not buy organic. Beyond that, if there is a store brand available, it's usually worth picking up. It took me a long time to learn this...I am very visual, and the labels on the name brand stuff just looked better. But it doesn't take long to figure out which store brands work and which just don't. In most cases, you can't tell the difference. When I can, I splurge on the name brand the next time.
A little thing that took me a long time to pick up on is actually looking at the unit price for things. For instance, when I'm trying to figure out which mandarin oranges are really the cheapest, I drive myself crazy checking ounces and doing math in my head. Now I just look at the barcode and the unit price.
A huge savings that we began to make last year was to buy large containers of all the kids' school items as well as a stock of reusable containers in snack sizes. Oftentimes a big container of applesauce is the same price as a six pack of applesauce cups, and I'm more than capable of spooning the applesauce into the reusable containers. I tend to get lazy about this sometimes, mostly because I always forget to wash the containers soon enough.
As far as dinners in our house go, I stopped making two dinners a night. You know how it is...you feed the kids and then yourself separately after they go to bed, usually different meals. Now, I make one meal, and they eat it. Or they don't. But usually they do, even if they complain.
We make several dishes that we can eat at least twice, and usually more times. For instance, Ava and I are both huge fans of nachos, so we'll make up a batch of meat and beans and have nachos 3 or 4 times. Spaghetti and Green Beans & Potatos are two other cheap dishes that last for several meals.
We always have pasta in the house. It does a great job of stretching a meal and can either be a side or the main course.
I'm not a list maker. Even if I try, I forget things. So again, to fit my personality, rather than doing a lot of lists, I have a pretty set ingredient list every week. I have maybe 10 dishes I make in rotation every few weeks. Boring? Kind of, but the price is predictable and I don't get carried away with "one more thing!"
For us, that usually means getting about 3 meats that we prepare in different ways, as well as sides for those. The other nights, we do something that can easily be made over again...a batch of nachos can be tacos another night, and chili can be transformed into a totally different dish hen served on pasta with cheese on top.
For breakfast and lunch, we're also very predictable. We do a lot of pancakes and waffles with yogurt and fruit in the morning, and my kids are huge fans of grilled cheese with carrots or PB & J with string cheese. I usually keep 2-3 different types of fresh fruit in the house, and they eat these for snacks.
Another thing that has saved us a lot of money is to be aware of the kids' eat free deals and other fast food meal deals. I mean, my kids love fast food, and I do too, sometimes. I especially love that they can eat and I don't have to fix or clean up a thing! It's worth it to make life easier when you're running to activities at night. When you're dilligent about finding deals, you can eat for much less. For example, on Tuesdays at our local McDonald's, Happy Meals are only 1.99. We're also big value meal people. At Wendy's we can eat for about $2 a kid, which isn't bad for eating fast food.
When we're dying to go out to eat (which is me...I love eating out...it's my weakness), it helps to have a list of all the restaurants that offer kids eat free deals and the night they offer them. Right now, between our neighbors and us we've compiled a choice for every night of the week but one. If you're going to go out anyway, it gives you a more affordable option.
So, that's what works for us.
What works for you? I'd love to hear your money saving tips.
So I put Seth into the nursery at church for the first time ever today. When he was a little baby, I would sling him through my volunteer work and service, and lately, I've been letting him crawl around in the lobby while I try and watch the service on the screen (read: mean to watch the service, chase Seth down, then end up talking to friends who are volunteering that hour). Sometimes I take him into service, and he loves the music, but as soon as things quiet down he gets loud. Really loud. So we leave, and we watch on the screen again.
All of that is to say that I have not been able to pay any real attention to our Sunday morning lessons in a while. But this morning, I felt like it was time. Of course, we ran late. The parking spot we found was basically in an area of Timbuktu. Then our tags didn't print out the right way. Then I had to wait in a big line to get the tags reprinted and slap them on my kids back. And this was just for the big kids...Seth wasn't in the system since I'd never put him the nursery before. So I had to wait again and fill out an information card for my friend who already knew all about him. The music was already happening. Ava had to go to the bathroom, so I sent her there while I ran Jace to his class on the other side of the kids' wing. When I walked by the nursery I didn't see anyone I knew, and I almost gave up right then. Today was not the day to put him in. We were already late and the service would be half over by the time I got in there. There was no way I was going to explain his gear to someone who didn't know anything about him. I collected Ava from the bathroom and took her to her class. On my way back, I peeked into the nursery one more time...and thankfully, I saw the same worker who has been watching my kids since Ava was born.
I plunked my diaper bag down and she came to the gate and looked at me. "Are you just stopping here to chat? I know you're not leaving him." I said that I was, in fact, leaving him, that the kids were starting school the next week and it was going to be next to impossible to keep him healthy, so we might as well put him in. She was still slightly disbelieving as I walked her through his CIs and I don't think she thought I'd actually leave him until I passed him over the gate to her. He could have cared less.
By the time I got into service I was late. Really late. Super late. They were already doing communion. I found a seat and our pastor came up and said they were concluding a 4 or 5 week series on...wait for it...forgiveness. I had no idea (remember...hard to pay attention chasing a crawling baby and watching a screen). I don't know if I would have gone through all of that to make it to the service if I had known. I mean, I didn't need a lesson on forgiveness...I've already forgiven! It was really too bad, I thought, that John wasn't there. Now there's someone who could use a lesson on forgiveness, not me. It was almost pointless for me to be there. I mean, once you've forgiven someone, what is there to talk about?
Of course, it only took about two minutes for me to get that sinking feeling in my stomach...you know the one, where you feel a little sheepish for thinking you know better than God. Saying you've forgiven and really forgiving are two very different things, and as our pastor made his way through several scriptures telling us why forgiveness is important, I realized that I have been all talk and not much action. I mean, I meant well. I have forgiven John on the surface, but not necessarily in practice. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I tried not to throw what happened in our marriage in John's face, and when I did, I was justified, right? I mean, what was I supposed to do, just get over it?
Yeah, not so much. My pastor made his way down the list. Forgiveness is not about the offender, it's about the offended. Forgiveness prevents bitterness. Forgiveness closes the door to Satan. Forgiveness helps us understand God's forgiveness.
Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. But I thought forgiveness was just about being the bigger person! I was benefiting John by forgiving him, that it was a sacrifice I was making. I mean, forgiving someone is about making them feel better, right? But I still feel bitter, and weren't all the things that happened on the way to church proof that I was still open to attack? If I had really forgiven John, why didn't I feel better?
When I said that I forgave, I forgot to follow through. I forgot to let him off the hook. I said I forgave him, but I still brought up his transgressions, still thought about them, still kept a very clear record of exactly how he'd wronged me. I was doing it the wrong way. I thought that I could say once that I forgave him and then it would just be done.
What I've had to learn is that, like most anything else, forgiving someone is a process and a choice we make, many times more than once. It requires commitment each day to continue with the spirit of forgiveness through your actions as well as your words. I have to remind myself every day that this is a choice I've made for myself, to free myself from what has happened. Being bitter is not fun. Feeling terrible about myself is no good. Forgiving John is not just about John, it's about me. By forgiving him, I can free myself from all of the negativity that comes along with our situation. It doesn't matter if he wants to be forgiven or not...I can't move past this until I can give him, and myself, total forgiveness for all the things that happened in our marriage.
To achieve total forgiveness, we need to be aware of what the offender has done and forgive it anyway.
We need to keep no record of wrongs, and refuse to take revenge, even when we're in the position to do so. Even if you really want to. I mean, not that anyone would want to. Very much.
We need to be merciful and gracious. Merciful means to show compassion, and gracious means to be pleasantly kind, even when either or both unwarranted.
We need to have an absence of bitterness and cease asking God why this has happened. The fact is, it happened, and that's it. Why can we do with what we have?
Forgiving yourself and moving forward.
These aren't all things I can just snap my fingers and do. But I can have good intentions and commit to forgiving, and do so every day, every time I start to feel bitter or when I feel like I need to remind someone what I did right and what he did wrong. Many of the things on this list come with heart change, and there's nothing we can do to make them happen sooner. But truthfully, I think one of the most important and hardest things on that list is forgiving myself. As a woman, especially, I think we very commonly take blame for many things just to smooth things over, just to feel more in control. I mean, if it was my fault, I can fix it, right?
Truthfully, I still feel like I haven't forgiven myself for Eli's death or Seth's deafness. I have definitely not forgiven myself for my part in my marriage troubles. It's not something I can do right this second, but it's something I can work on. When I think of forgiveness as a process, it seems much more manageable.
But the best thing about total forgiveness, if we can get there, is that it gives us true insight into what an amazing God we have. He will forgive us anything, and it will be forgiven totally and completely. He won't go back on his word and throw our transgression at us when we least expect it. It will be cast into the deepest ocean, separated from us as far as the east is from the west. What a blessing...if we know first hand just how hard it is to do, and he offers it to us...shouldn't we extend that gift to others, and to ourselves? Forgiving a transgression does not mean failing to learn from it. It means we are giving up the guilt and the anger behind it. In the end, what is it doing for us anyway?
Does holding a grudge make you feel better? Does bringing up every little thing your significant other has done to upset you while you're having an unrelated argument ever actually help the situation? Is holding on to the bitterness left over from being hurt that time doing anything good for you?
It's not for me. I'm done feeling this way. I think it's worth it to commit to the process of forgiveness, even if it's only for my own benefit.
What about you? Do you have someone you could begin to forgive today?
(By the way, Seth did a great job in the nursery. I came to get him and found him fast asleep with a worker in a rocking chair. She told me to leave and come back later. =))
I'm diving into the nitty gritty- your questions on car seats! You can find my previous carseat posts here and here. So without further ado...
stephaniecate said: I've heard the new recommendation is no longer age and weight, rather keeping them rear facing for as long as the car seat will allow. Our carseat (Britax Roundabout- I love it!!) allows babies to be rear facing until 35 lbs. Our son is currently 13 mos, 23lbs and 30". My question is, is this true, and if so, is there a max height? I don't know that he'll reach 35 lbs until well after his 2nd birthday, and I don't have a problem keeping him rear facing, except for if the height creates a safety issue. My husband and I are giants, so he will probably be tall as well!
You're right. The recommendations are now to keep kids rear facing to the limits of the seat. A seat is outgrown rear facing when your child reaches the maximum weight or their head is within 1 inch of the top of the seat shell, whichever comes first. I know the Roundabout well, and it's a great seat, although short in the back. You'll probably find your son will outgrow the seat rearfacing before he reaches the weight limit. In that case, you'll have to weigh your options...turn him forward facing, or get a different seat. Obviously his age when that happens will help make that decision for you, I'm sure.
punken13 said:When is it safe to switch to a booster. I know it is abo0ut height and weight but our 4 year old is pretty small. He is currently in a Cosco Alpha Omega and I am sure he is getting near the height limit on the 5 point harness but well under the weight limit. Should I try and find a convertable that has a higher height limit on the 5 point harness?
I would find a convertible with a higher limit, or better yet since your son is already 4, a combination seat that will turn into a booster when your son is ready. Some seats that would fit the bill would be the Graco Nautilus or the Britax Frontier.
As far as the seat he is in currently, forward facing seats are outgrown when the child reaches the maximum weight or the shoulders go above the top slopts of the carseat or the tips of the ears reach the top of the shell, whichever comes first. Moving to a booster is more about maturity than age or weight, but usually I start to see kids really ride well in boosters starting around age 6.
Staceyg32 said:Someone recently told me that there is a "rule" about certain weight requirements in a car for using the latch system. Not the car seat weight limit but the car itself in regard to the latch system. She said that she was told that once a child reaches a certain weight that you should no longer use the latch system built into the car but use the seat belt instead. Is there any truth in that?
Yep, the information you got is correct. Each vehicle manufacturer is different, so you'll need to read your car manual. For instance, Honda's LATCH system is only approved up to 40 lbs (child weight...you don't have to worry about how much the seat weighs), and after 40 lbs, you must use the seatbelt to install. Other manufacturers have a 40 lb limit, and some are different than that. You'll have to check you manual.
Seat belt installations are just as safe as LATCH, although in some cases not as convenient. LATCH was created to make installations easier, but using either one (as long as you are below the weight limit of your vehicle manufacturer) is equally safe.
SneakPeak said:ok...we have the Combi Zeus. I love love love that can swivel around. I belive the RF limit is 22lbs & FF is 35lbs. I prefer to have Austin RF, but he is now 25lbs..is it dangerous?The nurses prefer RF too as it is easier to suction & care for him. Help!!
The Zeus is a cool seat. I have the Orbit Toddler Seat for Seth, which also swivels. It's a lifesaver sometimes! I have had misgivings about the low weight limits of the Zeus, however. I know that Combi is planning to revamp it with higher limits but they were not able to do so before the launch of the seat.
How old is your son? If he is above 22 lbs it is not safe to keep him rear facing in that seat, even though it is much safer overall. I'm guessing he has health issues if he has nurses and needs suctioning, which only makes it more important for him to remain rear facing for as long as possible. If he has low tone or issues with head control, it is imperative. (Sorry, I'm guessing, don't know the details here) If I were you, I would get him another seat in which he can stay rear facing longer. The only other seat that swivels is the Orbit Toddler Seat, although it's not super economical. If you can give up that feature there are many affordable seats that would allow your son to remain rear facing. Email me...I'd love to talk to you in more detail.
Audrey said:I'd like to know more about boosters. Simon (6 years, 40 lbs) sits harnessed and will for a long time but it seems EVERYONE else his age is in a booster. Now that we are going to kindergarten- boosters are everywhere. As are kids riding in the front seat. :(
Thoughts? Videos/stats/websites to share of the importance of 5-point harnesses and how to pick an appropriate booster? I've shared the video of extended rearfacing a ton but now I need something else to back me up. (My 2 year old is still rearfacing).
Good for you for keeping him harnessed and keeping your toddler rear facing! It's so worth it. I know what you mean...in car circle every day I see some crazy things. I think the Kyle David Miller Foundation does a great job of explaining why extended harnessing is important. Check out this link . They have a great video but it's not working right now...I'm trying to locate another one.
When it comes to picking an appropriate booster, I feel high back boosters with side impact protection offer the most protection for kids. I also love the fact that some boosters are able to be LATCHed now, which keeps the seat from becoming a projectile if unoccupied in the case of an accident. One of my personal favorite boosters is the Sunshine Kids Monterey, but anything with a high back and headwings is good in my book, as long as it is a good fit for your child.
lovinglife84 said:I have been looking at the new graco carseat that harnesses up to 65lbs for my 4 year old. She currently has a eddie bauer one and it seems she is getting too tall for it, however weighs too little to be put in a booster. Any thoughts?
Do you have the Eddie Bauer 3 in 1? It sounds like it. Many of those seats are known for being outgrown by height way before the child is ready for a booster. It's frustrating, and they're almost never "the only seat you'll ever need." If her shoulders are above the top slots, she has outgrown the seat. The Graco Nautilus (What I think you're referring to getting) is a great seat, and can be used as a booster after it is outgrown in harness mode. It has nice tall harness slots, so you won't run into the same problem you have now. I think it would be worth the investment.
triciajoy said:the carseat thing- WHY THE HELL ARE THEY SO HARD TO PUT IN? Seriously I spent an hour fighting with Robbie's new convertible seat last night. He's 22lb, so he outgrew his snugride (max weight: 22lb) so we have to get it going. I drive a little teeny civic and I really want to extend-rear-face. Trying to get the damned thing in is a nightmare.
Then a friend told me that since he's older, it doesn't have to be at 45 degrees, but 30 instead. WHY ISN'T THAT IN THE BOOKS!? GRR.
Okay, that was a vent, not a question, but there you go.
I know. I know! 8 out of 10 carseats are installed improperly, and that's why it's a good idea to get your seat checked even if you think you read the manual perfectly. Often techs will have little tricks to get seats in easier that they can teach you. And you're right about the angle...after a baby has good head control the seat can usually be installed in a more upright position...in fact, most kids prefer to be more upright so they can see what's going on. I wouldn't stress about an exact angle, just make sure that it's reclined enough so that if Robbie falls asleep his head won't flop forward.
I have sympathy for the small car thing. It sucks. Keeping him rear facing will be worth the inconvenience, though! Especially with his G tube...crash forces are much less rear facing and I would think it would cause much less trauma.
Jen said: (edited for length) I have no questions but PLEASE just mention the facts - that somewhere between 80-97% (depending on which stats. you look at) of carseats are NOT installed correctly. There are resources in their community where they can go to have it installed properly.
My husband and I read through the massive instruction booklet very carefully to make sure we had everything exactly right. We are educated people and felt certain we had it in there properly. We decided to take it to the fire station just to be 100% sure (we're not taking any unnecessary risks with our daughter). Nope...we had something wrong.
Yep, your whole comment was dead on. I can't tell you how many parents come in swearing they did everything perfectly just to find they missed some tiny thing or other that would have made a difference in a crash. Carseats are confusing. We're here to help. The only thing I would add to your comment is that it is really important that your tech is teach you the install, not doing it for you. If you are stranded on the said of the road and have to move your child's seat to another vehicle, we want you to be able to feel confident that you're doing it correctly. Look here to find seat check events.
Also, Jen plugged www.car-seat.org, which is an awesome site that I am proud to be a member of. They can answer just about any question there.
CarolAmie said: this may be too specific for you to be able to answer but I'd love tips on carseats in the third row "stow and go" seats of our grand caravan. With three kids in carseats we have to have one back there but the latch setup requires that the seat straddle the 1st and 2nd regular passenger seat of our car, ultimately taking up two spots. Since there is no other latch back there we are crippled in our ability to travel with anyone outside of our family of 5. I can't believe a 7 passenger car intended it to work that way so are we missing something?
Vehicle manufacturers are only required to put a certain number of LATCH positons in each vehicle, and very few put them in every seating positon. I don't know why manufacturers choose to do offset LATCH. It's annoying. If you're dead set on using LATCH, you're stuck. If I were you, I would install your 3rd row carseat with the seatbelt. That way you can keep the two other seating positions open for passengers or to stow (and go!).
Ashley said: I consider myself very anal about my carseats. It didn't take long for hubs to catch on, and he is now the only other person I'll trust to put our children's seats in (so that I feel they are in tight enough). Is it overkill/safe to use both the latch and the seat belt to hook a front facing car seat in rather than using one or the other? And...at what age would you reccommend taking a child out of a 5 point harness and into a booster with the regular seat belt?
Hey! Yes, it is overkill to use both LATCH and the seat belt, and no, it's not safe. I know it seems like both would be better than one or the other, but the bottom line is, they're just not crash tested that way, and using them that way is unsafe. The thought process from most techs I've talked about it with is that using both LATCH and the belt can actually put too much tension on the seat and keep it from riding down properly in a crash. The best and safest choice would be to make sure your seat is installed tightly, with less than one inch of movement, with either the LATCH system or the seat belt, and not both.
As far as what age I recommend boostering a child, I've addressed it some in my previous post, but I usually start to see kids ready to handle riding in a booster around 6. Some kids are ready soon, but not many, and lots of kids aren't ready even then. It's totally unique to each child.
mama2two said:I know you don't have to deal with this in FL but maybe you have some insight. I've read that you shouldn't put kids into their carseats with winter coats on because there is too much between the kids and the car seat strap. Is this true? I just don't know to possibly bundle two kids, get them in the car, take off coats, drive somewhere, get kids out of carseats, into coats and then get to the place. Surely this can't be right? BTW your kids are gorgeous and I love reading about them. I have an Ava also (Avery) but she's only 4 months old. Thanks!
When this question comes up I am always very happy to live in Florida. =) You're right. Winter coats and carseats don't mix. I know. It's a headache. The problem is that a bulky coat can lead you to believe that a harness is tight when it is actually not. In an accident, the coat will compress and leave the kid with a loose harness, which is no good. Here's how you can tell if your child's coat is too bulky for the carseat: Put your child in their seat in a normal layer of clothing and tighten the harness until it's snug (pinch the strap vertically at the callarbone...you shouldn't be able to gather it between your fingers much). Then, take them out of the seat and put their coat on them. Put them back in the seat. If you can buckle them in without loosening the harness, their coat is okay to wear.
You probably won't be able to. You have a couple of options. Light, one layer fleece jackets from places like Lands End are really thin and keep kids really warm. Another option is to put them in the car in lighter layers and keep their coats for when you get to your destination, if you keep your car pretty warm. If not, another option I like is to remove their coat, buckle them in, then replace the coat backwards over their arms. I know, it's not convenient. But it's safe. Fleece jackets are probably the easiest solution...that's what we use when we travel to colder climes with the kids. For your four month old I would recommend a shower cap style carseat cover. That way you can put her in dressed comfortably for the indoors and the cover will act as a bunting or coat as long as she's in the seat. You want one that just pops over the edges of the seat, not one that goes between the baby and the harness (same issue with compression as coats).
Jenna Grossarth said: I do have a question tho. I'm trying to squeeze 3 car seats into the backseat of my car. Are they allowed to touch each other? I cannot afford a new (or new-to-me) car or van or would be getting one. And When I try to squeeze the Graco Nautilus, Safety1st Something-or-Other (Can't remember right now...) and Graco SnugRide in, they touch each other. Or is there supposed to be a 1" space? Cuz I dunno what I'm gonna do if they aren't supposed to. They make all the car seats so amazingly WIDE these days it's pretty impossible to actually fit three in the space of three seats.
Three across...so much fun! I actually have a lot of fun puzzling seats together. The seats can touch, but you need to make sure they are installed independently of each other...which means they all need to be tight on their own and not just feel tight because they're wedged against another seat. You have at least two wide seats, so it's going to be challenging, and you'll probably have to rearrange the seats a time or two. I usually start with the center seat first. You may find you need at least one more narrow seat, like the Sunshine Kids Radian, to make it happen easily. To get three across in the third row of my van, it's impossible without at least one Radian (Yes, I love that seat, too. lol). Another option would be to install the SnugRide without the base, which is a headache to buckle in and out every time, but does take up much less space.
SafeKids is the national certifying body for techs, and you can find out how to find a class here.
Jen said: Do you know if the rear facing weight limit is high on the Sunshine Kids Radian than on the Britax Marathon? I know the Radian is higher for forward facing but I'm not sure about rear facing.
I'm really excited about the answer to this question. Sunshine Kids just retroactively raised the rear facing limit on all of their seats manufactured in or after September of 2008 to 40 pounds. That applies to the Radian65, Radian80, and the RadianXT. I am stoked about this news.
ashwatts said:My son just turned 4 and weighs 48 pounds, the limit on his 5 point harness car seat. I would like to buy a 5-point harness carseat that go up to 65 pounds. Can you recommend one?
At his age, I wouldn't necessarily recommend a convertible seat, as at some point, you'll have to move him to a booster. The Graco Nautilus and the Britax Frontier are both great seat the harness to 65 and 80 lbs respectively, then become really nice boosters.
Cathy said:I was just thinking this morning that I wanted to ask you about how to use the locking buckle on our seat. Do you put it up at the top of the belts where they pull out or at the bottom where the cross into the seat? Are they necessary? Also, how do you use the hooks that go into the seat themself on the bottom of the seat? We only have one hook, so I wondered if we were supposed to pull it through one latch and then hook it on the other one? Does that make sense at all? Thanks for doing this!
Are you referring to a locking clip? metal, rectangular? If so, they go within 2 inches of the buckle. They can break in a crash and if they're on the opposite end of the belt they can become a projectile, and a pretty dangerous one. You only need a locking clip if your seatbelts do not lock any other way, such as at the retractor (pull your belt out all the way and then let it slide back in slowly...do you hear clicking? That's a lockable retractor), or at the latchplate (sit in the vehicle seat and buckle yourself in. Pull in the lap portion of the belt...does it slide through the buckle or is it locked? If it's locked, that's a locking latchplate.). You never need a locking clip when using LATCH or a lap belt. Basically the only situation you should need a locking clip in is with belts in some older cars that lock only in an emergency, such as at impact, or if you have issues with your lockable retractor pulling your seat up at an angle.
As far as your question about LATCH, I'm a little confused. Your carseat only has one LATCH buckle? If that's the case, you're probably referring to the tether and not the LATCH belt. If you're saying your vehicle seat only has one hook, you've found something in your car that's not LATCH, which is actually pretty common. =) Your vehicle manual should tell you where the LATCH locations are, and your carseat manual should show you how to attach your LATCH belt. Email me, because I don't know if any of this makes sense. =)
beana said:Question...are there rec's for age/weight for the backless boosters? My dd is 5.5, around 60lbs and 48in. (luckily I have a seat that goes to 65lbs...but she will be in a highback booster soon)
First, I agree with you about buying a high weight seat from the beginning. Even if you don't have a heavy child, you could have a super tall one who outgrows the lower limit seats by height. Higher weight seats (seats designed to harness to 65 or 80 lbs) have correspondingly tall backs, so they're good for big and/or tall kids. It's a money saver as they can use the same seat for longer.
As far as backless boosters go, technically the recommendations are the same as for a high back booster. Both are doing the same thing...boosting the child up so that the seatbelt correctly. I prefer high back boosters for the added side impact protection. It can possibly limit the child's head movement (cutting down on injuries to the brain), and also protect their head/body/face (depending on the booster and how deep the head/body wings are) from intrusion...things that are forced into the car in a crash. But as far as correct fit, backless and high back are the same. High back boosters just offer more protection.
Whew! That was fun. Now I'm going to go eat some cake. If I created more questions than answers, please let me know.
I just read this article and thought it was really, really interesting. It's basically suggesting that parents of NICU babies often suffer from post traumatic stress disorder, and it goes into a really enlightening statistical survey of the differences between moms and dads.
In one of my last posts, someone called me supermom, and that made me laugh. A lot. I mean, thanks for the compliment, but I am so far from it. In fact, I have yet to meet anyone who actually deserves the supermom title, although I think every good mom gets it anyway, from the most important people involved...their kids. Even if you're just a mom who means well but makes a lot of mistakes, there is going to be a time in your kids' life when you are a superhero to them, the one person who can magically fix broken toys, show up with 50 cupcakes on snack day, who has eyes in the back of her head, the person who seems to know everything.
In the end, I don't think it matters if you're picking up those cupcakes at the grocery on the way to school because you totally forgot about snack day or you're baking them from scratch, or if you're painstakingly mending a toy or running to the store to buy a replacement. The end result is what matters...that we're there for our kids when they need us. The vehicle that gets us there is pretty unimportant.
So no, I'm not supermom. I mean, seriously, I have basically been pregnant or nursing since the beginning of 2004 (Read: Puking or exhausted or short tempered have been my main moods). I turn the tv on so my kids can sleep in and when I say we're leaving in 5 minutes, it usually means 20. I've been known to buckle them all into the car, drive somewhere, and just sit reading a book in the front seat with a book on tape playing in the back so I can decompress a little. Sometimes I lock them out of the bathroom, and a lot of times I tell them "Yes, just a second," and then totally forget I've told them I'd do whatever it was in the first place. A lot of times, I say no to the park because I'm not in the mood. I let them leave the house in pajamas or worse, and I stick them in bed at 7 pm no matter what, even if it's still light out because I need the time to relax. Sometimes earlier. I've been known to yell "If you come out of that room one more time you'll be sorry, miss/mister!" A lot of times, I parent from a distance instead of getting down on their level, even when I know better (no, it doesn't work). You'll never see their school lunches in the shape of the letter of the week, and I tend to throw their school crafts together the night before they're due.
But on the flip side, I do try to listen to them when the want to talk, and when I find something they're good at, I try to foster it. For instance, Jace is a really good at beat boxing. No, I'm serious. So now we have dance parties in the living room and Jace practices his beat boxing. I'm thinking he could be the next Justin Timberlake. Even though we lay around a lot, we tend to do it in a pile, all three or four of us lounging together on the couch. I am always up for a game of hair salon, and I let the kids have their own opinions, sometimes. I feed them at least three times a day, and if they eat their food, they usually get dessert. I don't let them eat fries, and I buy them organic milk without growth hormones because I am scared of all the stories about kids going through puberty at 5. I am always available for a hug, and I tell the kids I love them at least 50 times a day.
So, with all that said, it looks like it's about even. I am an average parent. Mediocre, even. If all we're taking into account is parenting style, then I am absolutely nothing special, just one of the crowd. But the other thing I have always refused to compromise on is my beliefs. My children have grown up in the church, and we have always talked about God and Jesus like they were in the room with us. To me, the point of parenting is not whether or not you're in the right playgroup or you feed your kids all organic, naturally grown foods, or if their evey moment and activity is mapped out from kindergarten to get them into the right college. Whether they learn to read when they're 3 or 8 doesn't matter. What matters is raising our kids to embody Christ, to be God with skin on to other people, and to be proud of their beliefs and strong enough to share them with others. Teaching them in a way that lets them choose Jesus for themselves instead of toeing the line because it's what they're supposed to do.
It's not easy. In our society, moral innocence is not valued. I see little kids at R rated moves and dressing in shocking ways (Kind of feel old saying that). Social mores have changed dramatically. Raising a Godly child today is hard. People are taught to question everything, that God is nothing but another guess at what's really out there. And so, so many people influence our kids besides us. So we're undertaking a hard job.
Today, we spent 3 hours at a soccer clinic with the Clearwater Christian College soccer team. Ava was playing with a new soccer ball today, and it was really cool looking...lots of different colors and patterns. I'd never seen a ball that looked like it. When the coach of the team called all the kids over and started a devotional midway though the clinic, I was floored. I mean, in a good way. I had never thought of mixing sports and spirituality. Even though God is in everything, I apparently forgot He was in soccer. Then, it hit me. The soccer ball was the Plan of Salvation, the path every one of us has to traverse to get to Heaven. On a ball. What an awesome idea...what a way to bring God into the conversation! We immediately picked one up, as the proceeds benefit a ministry that provides soccer balls to underprivileged kids around the world and shares the gospel with them.
On the way home, Ava and Jace were in the back seat talking about the ball. Ava knows the plan of salvation (or the gospel fuzzies, as she calls them) backwards and forwards, but today, she asked Jace if he understood it. He didn't, so she walked him through each step. Gold for Heaven, Black for our sin, Red for Jesus' blood, White for our cleansing, Green for Growing in Christ. She made up a song. She made it funny. Before long, he had it memorized. I heard her say "Now Jace, pay attention. You heard the coach...we're all supposed to teach this to other people. It's not enough just to know it yourself." I mentioned to her that it was important that Jace understand the meaning behind the plan, not just the labels, and she nodded and said "I know, mom. I'm getting there."
So while I'm just an average mom, and I'm totally ok with that...(remember, I'm imperfect, and I wouldn't want the pressure of being supermom anyway), I think God is doing a super job through me of sharing His word with our kids, along with making it possible for me to surround them with people who can be God to them, too. I love that they're growing up learning that He is in everything, not just in church.
And how cool is the soccer ball thing!? You can see the ball here...it walks you through the plan of salvation online. I'm not getting anything out of showing it to you, by the way, I just think it's an awesome way to share with kids on their turf.
Man, carseats. I love 'em. In fact, I think they are the single most important piece of baby gear you will buy. Seriously. As Ava would say, Period, and that's it!
I have always been passionate about keeping my kids safe in the car, but after Eli died I became passionate about keeping everyone's kids safe. I became a tech in his honor, to try to help other parents avoid ever having to go through losing a child. I've been a Child Passenger Safety Technician for two and a half years, and am currently and instructor candidate, which means I am going through the motions of getting my Instructor certification, which means I'll be able to teach the classes that certify firefighters, police officers, EMTs, and any other people who want to beecome techs.
I'm a Best Practice Gal. To me, the minimums are not good enough. I want to do the best I can for my kids and any kids whose parents I educate. You can read about some of my thoughts on general carseat safety here. (You should probably read that then come back here...I'll refer back to there a few times so I'm not repeating myself.)
To give you a brief overview before I jump into the questions (which will be in a subsequent post), I think kids should meet the maximums of their seats before moving up to the next 'level' of seats, such as from rear facing to forward facing to booster to seat belt. Each step up in seats can actually be a step down in safety if the child is not ready for that step. The most important thing is that kids are in a seat that fits your child (within the height and weight limits), your car (is installed following instructions with less than 1" of movement when you wiggle the seat at the belt path), and your budget. It's not all about the most expensive seat, although many times the more expensive seats have a few more ease of use features.
So what does that mean in real life? For us, it means shopping for seats that are going to fit our family long term, seats that have extended rear facing and extended harnessing in mind. Kids should be rear facing until they reach the limits of their rear facing seat. It's five times safer than forward facing. I go into more detail on this here, but you should really check out this video. (Don't worry, they're crash test dummies, nothing bad.) You'll be convinced. The cool thing is that these days there are many seats out that can accomodate kids up until 35 pounds, and three that now accomodate children rear facing up to 40 lbs. I would have killed to have that seat when I had to turn Jace around earlier than I wanted to because he hit 35 pounds just before 2.
Once your child has met the maximums rear facing and it's time to turn them around, the same concepts apply. Don't move them into a booster because it seems like a cool milestone. The minimum booster age is generally 4 years and 40 pounds, but I have almost never seen a child that is able to sit properly in a booster at that age. Kids need to sit still without fidgeting, leaning, or messing with the seat belt for the entire car ride before they will be safe in a booster. It's more a question of physical and mental maturity than age or weight.
I know it seems more convenient to just buckle a seat belt, but here's an idea: instead of moving them to a booster, teach them to buckle and unbuckle their own harnesses. Ava is a pro at it and Jace is well on his way, and all I have to do is double check that the harness is tight before we take off. It's actually easier than buckling a booster. It's the best of both worlds! The improved safety of a 5 point harness and less work for you. Score! I prefer to put kids in a seat with at least a 50 lb weight limit so that they can conceivably stay in that seat until they're really ready for a booster. My friend Laura at the Kyle David Miller Foundation can attest to how important extended harnessin is...in fact, they think it is so important (as do I) that they provide seats to families who cannot afford them.
After your child is mature enough to sit properly in a booster, settle in for a while. Kids need to ride in a booster until they can pass the 5 Step Test. That means you need to be able to say 'Yes' to all of these questions:
1. Does your child sit all the way back against the vehicle seat?
2. Do your child's knees bend comfortably at the edge of the vehicle seat?
3. Does the shoulder belt cross your child's shoulder between his neck and arm?
4. Does the lap belt cross your childs hips as low as possible, touching the thighs?
5. Can your child remain seated like this the whole trip?
If the answer to any of those questions is 'No', you're not ready to pitch the booster. But when you are, keep your kid in the back. The backseat is monumentally safer for everyone, and kids should ride in the back at least until 12, but preferably until just about a year before they learn to drive.
In my next post about seats, I'm going to answer your questions, then may go into posts specifically geared towards choosing and installing your seats, as well as where to get them checked. I'm excited! I'm a geek. I know. Everyone makes fun of me. You can too. I don't mind. Really. Well, kind of. Much.
So, Ava and I hit up Target this morning because her birthday money was burning a hole in her pocket. She had a Target Gift Card and $30 in cash. I explained that she could go anywhere with the money.
(Sidenote: Ava and Jace are sitting on the couch right now and Ava just said "Jace, when you hit me, you got sin on your heart." Jace looked shocked and said "I did?! What does it look like?" Ava immediately responded with "It's like black tiny crumbs." Now he's freaking out. He hates crumbs.)
Of course, she decided to spend of her money at Target. While I should have been a fun mom and let her buy whatever she wanted, I said no to roughly 72 things, among them Barbies, a huge plastic horse, Polly Pockets, tiaras and wands (she already has some), anything resembling something she has at home, anything with small pieces, games with pieces we could lose, and sundry other things.
So, in the end, after over an hour of combing the toy aisles, this is what she came home with.
1 Webkinz cat she named Boa (even though she has no interest in the online game)
1 pink metallic soccer ball (she was uninterested in the classic black and white option)
4 orange cones to practice soccer (I don't know what we'll do with them...I don't know how to play or practice soccer or what the cones would be useful for)
1 set of Knee, Elbow & wrist pads so that she can ride her new Razr scooter. (We call her Grace for a reason. She's incredibly clumsy)
1 Backyardigans DVD (even though she has no interest in watching the free ones on TV)
1 Transformer for her brother
1 set of stacking/nesting cups for her baby brother
Pretty good haul for the money she had. She actually went slightly over her total but since she was adamant about getting her brothers something, I went ahead and made up the difference.
We came home, she "practiced" soccer in the living room while wearing her knee pads, elbow pads, and wrist guards, even though I told her she didn't need them for soccer, watched her Backyardigans video twice (and found she'd already seen most of them, of course), and presented her brothers with their gifts. Somehow, some of Seth's nesting cups are already missing. Our house is like a black hole. It's not messy or big, but stuff gets lost here for days. Jace (read: me) had transformed his Transformer about 17 times and did you know you need a degree to figure them out? Also, the directions suck.
So, a pretty successful shopping trip! And an awesome praise...when we checked the mail today we found out that Ava has received a full scholarship to her school! This is so awesome...Ava loves her school more than anything but I just wasn't seeing how to keep her there in our current situation. I kept putting off making a choice, and when the public school kids went back last Tuesday, I thought I'd made a mistake in not just enrolling her. I spent the entire curriculum meeting with her Kindergarten teacher depressed because I just didn't see how to pay for her school, but still couldn't quite bring myself to pull her. Even though I was worried, I felt a lot of peace waiting it out, although I thought I might be crazy. What a God thing! I am so happy I don't have to move her to a new school.
Okay...thank you all for your kind comments to my last post. Let's all take a cleansing breath. The truth is, in the end, I get plenty of validation of my parenting from my kids, and that's enough for me. There isn't a day that goes by that they don't tell me I'm the best mom they could ever have. Although, now that I think of it...it's mostly when they want something, or when they want to get out of something. Huh. They're already manipulative!
Oh well. It's still nice to hear!
I think I'm going to start working on a carseat post later in the day. There's some big stuff that's been happening in the world of carseats and I'd love to talk about it. But what I want from you is questions. Do any of you have anything specific about carseats, installation, appropriate options at certain ages, etc. If so, please leave me a comment on this post or shoot me an email and I'll address it specifically. There is so much information I may split it up into a few posts about rear facing, forward facing, and booster use, or I may not. Who knows. You can help though, so if you've had a burning carseat question, throw it my way.
(For those of you who haven't been reading long, I am a Certified Child Passenger Safety Technician. I teach families how to safely use and install their kids' seats.)
Okay...now we're off. Ava has birthday money and she says Target is calling her name!
I'm blessed to have so many wonderful people supporting me on this blog. You lift my spirits every day. I always knew that there would be dissenters at some point, that someone would disagree with an opinion I had or a choice I made. It happens when you put yourself, your life, your opinions out there. I've had an amazing run, with almost no negative comments in the history of this blog.
So tonight when I was told that there are people out there who read this blog, and, apparently from reading here have formed the opinion that John should kick me out and move back in with the kids and leave me to my own devices, sans kids, I was shocked.
So if you're one of those people, and you're reading, which I'm told you are, speak up. I would love to hear your reasoning behind those words. But I'll tell you one thing. What I have shared here, though personal to me, is mostly about just that...me. Although John is obviously involved, most of what I write here is about my own feelings and emotions. I have never written about any details or personal parts of our story, just my own feelings about what is happening.
So you should understand a few things. I don't know what you've been told, but I know what you've read here, and I just can't believe there is anything on this blog that would lead you to believe I am an unfit parent. So I have to think it is something you have been told. So let me clear the air.
John is not paying our way while we do nothing. He is not supporting us fully, or paying the mortgage. He says he gives us what he can afford to give us, and at this point, I believe that is true. But since he's not paying for our house, I don't quite understand why anyone thinks I should be the one to leave.
John is a good and loving dad, but not a full time dad. He sees the kids a couple of times a week for an hour or so between jobs, and twice a week for a few hours at a time. Truthfully, this was the case before he even left because he worked so much. He usually shows up when he says he will, and he puts them to bed when he's around. But I am and have always been the primary caretaker, while he has been the working parent. I am a good parent. I am the kids only constant right now. I am the only one who doesn't come and go.
I did originally ask John to leave in the heat of the moment, but since then, I have asked him to come home many times. He has made the choice to stay away. I am not keeping him out of our home. In fact I have offered a number of solutions including his quitting one or both of his jobs and us completely starting over. I am not forcing him to work two jobs to support us. In fact, I feel strongly that if we took a period of time to focus on our relationship and family, that God would provide a way for that to happen.
I do not spy on John or send others to spy on John. Anyone who has ever approached him since he left has done so without my knowledge. In fact, I didn't even know anyone had spoken to him until John himself told me that he had been approached. When John chooses to go out to bars and clubs and people in our community see him out with someone, of course they have a reaction. They have known us and our family here for five years. They know us and love us and want the best for us, and they don't understand how this can be the right choice for any of us, including John.
If writing about my life and feelings being a newly single parent against my will and every belief I have seems offensive to you, I don't really know what to say. I am sad. I am devastated. I am still reeling because John never told me anything was wrong. He talked to others about it. He never said a word to me, and then he left. Now I'm told we're getting divorced and there's nothing I can do about it and that's just too bad. It doesn't matter that I don't believe in divorce. It doesn't matter that this is a completely one sided separation. It doesn't matter that I am willing to do just about anything to fix our marriage. My opinion counts for absolutely nothing. Of course I am sad. Of course I write about it. It's my life. But I could say a lot more, so much more, and I don't, out of respect for my husband. He, and apparently some of those of you reading, think that I am villifying him here. Let me assure you. I am not and won't. I hate even writing this here, but since I have never met any of you, this is the only way I can address you.
So if you're one of those people, please speak up. I want to hear why you think so badly of me. If it's because of something you've heard, I urge you to withhold judgement of me. You don't know me. You know stories about me that may or may not be truthful, and you're not even asking me for clarification, you're just judging. Just as the readers here don't know John and have therefore remained for the most part incredibly civil towards him, I would like the same respect from those of you who are supporting him in his decision to end our marriage.
I know that I have taken a lot of responsibility for our issues in what I write here. I stand by that, but I know that nothing I did deserved being cheated on, being left during my pregnancy. I made a lot of mistakes in our marriage. I was struggling and sad. My son died. I was angry and bitter. I lost my way. I don't even know what to say...I never thought John would ever leave, so I took him for granted. Obviously that was naive, but it's also true. I am imperfect. Very much so. But we all are, and it might be a good idea to remember that before you judge someone else. In addition to that, remember that marriage takes two people, and John checked out of ours some time ago. So for every mistake and misstep I took in our relationship, John took one too. Just because I write about my shortcomings here and not his does not mean that he doesn't have any.
If you're just reading here to make fun of me, to report back to John or someone else and talk about how pathetic I am, then have your fun, I guess. But if I am so pathetic, such a joke, I can't quite figure out why you bother reading.
To all the people who read here regularly and are supportive of me, thank you. I am truly sorry that I felt the need to write something so petty on this blog. I want to be the bigger person and just get over this and many other things, but sometimes I just can't. I hope you don't think less of me for that.
19 weeks. 4 shots down, 16 to go (I'll continue the shots to 36 weeks). I could have this baby in 16 weeks. In fact, if I go 16 more weeks, it will be the most pregnant I have ever been other than with Ava. That seems really soon right now. Time has gone into super sonic speed lately...the kids start school in two weeks, then we have 2 months of soccer, halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years...and somewhere in there, hopefully towards the end of that list, a new baby!
Overwhelming.
I feel fine. Weight is holding steady at 110. I took a sneak peak at my chart today and apparently I started this pregnancy at 109. It's kind of an issue, mostly because I tend to have issues with pre term labor. I'm eating a lot, but it's a fine line between eating enough to gain and eating so much my blood sugar is not well controlled. I could use some prayer for that..I'm feeling a little frustrated.
A couple of issues have raised their ugly heads. My cervix is shortening, and I currently have placenta previa. I was hoping that by my ultrasound this morning the latter would have resolved itself, but it hasn't, and my cervix is measurably shorter than it was at my last ultrasound two weeks ago. It was already on the shorter side of normal, and it shortened more than half a centimeter in the last two weeks. It's not a huge issue now, but I only have another half centimeter before I will be in the danger zone.
Both of these things could possibly resolve themselves, and I really need them to. For my emotional well being, number one (all of my issues with Eli started at my 19 week ultrasound when they saw I had a funneling, shortened cervix , and it's hard not to remember the outcome there. I was on bedrest from soon after that until Eli was born), and just logistically. Going on bedrest is not a very viable option with our family split up the way it is, (even though we have family to lend a hand) and if the Previa does not resolve itself that will mean a c-section. That in itself isn't the worst thing ever, but I can't afford a long recovery with a newborn, 18 month old, 4 year old, and 5 year old at home when I'm the main caregiver and the only adult in our home.
So I'm feeling a little frustrated. My pregnancy with Seth was so text book up until my water broke, and I was really, really hoping that would be the case this time around, too. Things are so crazy in my life right now that I don't know how much more I can deal with. I want this baby to be safe and healthy. Today Seth and I were at one of his doctors for an appointment, and she said "Don't you ever just wonder how much more you're supposed to be able to take?" And I do. I wonder what I can take, but I also know that I don't have to take it alone. God is with me at every step, and I feel Him walking with me. It means a lot to know you're all here with me too. Thanks for coming back, making me laugh and cry with your funny and thoughtful comments, and keeping all of us in your prayers.
Our family loves the beach. In fact, John and I got married on the beach.
Our Wedding Day
Maybe that's what started our tradition, and now every year we go to the beach on the kids' birthdays. We eat dinner wherever they choose, and then we head out to the beach to watch the sunset and let the kids throw themselves into the water with their clothes on. This has been going on since Ava's very first birthday, so I really should have started bringing their suits, but by now jumping into the ocean in their clothes is part of the tradition, too.
August 24th is a also special day to us in many ways. It's Ava's birthday, first of all. But it's also the day we found out we were expecting Eli. I told John the news on the way out to the beach for the sunset that year. Additionally, August 24th was Seth's due date. So it's a very reminiscent day for me.
As if that wasn't enough, the restaurant Ava chose for our dinner last night just happened to be the place John and I had our first official date at back in college. That night, I told my mom that he was the nicest guy I had ever known. When we got married, we couldn't afford a wedding band for my engagement ring, and on our first anniversary, it was at this same restaurant that John had the manager bring out my completed wedding set along with our dessert.
So with that trifecta, it was an emotional night for me last night. We had fun, as we almost always do when we're all together, and found that when we're together it's easy to slip into the pattern of finishing one another's sentences or ordering for each other in a restaurant.When things are calm and fun and easy between us, it is easy to forget everything that has happened, that there is a huge storm brewing just under the surface, and that at the end of the night John is not coming home with us.
Ava had a great birthday though, or in her words, The best birthday EVER! She is already busily planning birthday #6. Jace and Ava splashed and played and dove and got salty and sandy. Seth mostly observed, but liked getting down and hanging out on the beach a little bit. They made sand angels and jumped over waves and built sand castles. We stayed until it was pitch dark, until we were some of the only people left on the water, and we still had to drag the kids away.
It was so bittersweet to sit there in the sand, looking at the kids and John, so easy to what if and bargain and convince myself that possibly, this could be a nightmare I can still wake up from. Of course, John and I ended up getting into a discussion on the way home, and we are still on such different pages it is almost unbelievable. Sometimes when we're talking, it's easier to stop saying anything at all than listen to him not hearing me. The thing is, I still see glimpses of the person he could be, that he was to all of us.
I just want to tell him that this is all fixable, that he doesn't have to throw our marriage away, that it's normal to forget to feel in love sometimes, especially when you've been through what we have. That not feeling "in love" doesn't mean that there's nothing there to save, that the break down leading to feeling like you've fallen out of love can be built back up, and that when it is, many times you find those feelings of being in love again, and it is better and stronger.
Either God is giving me this perseverance and conviction for my marriage because he knows it is His Plan that we come through this, or I am a glutton for punishment. Sometimes, I'm not sure which it is. I just know that no matter what, even though the battle feels lost, even though everyone else has gone home, I can't bring myself to stop fighting for my marriage and my family.
So, we march on, or trudge on, or hop along, making do the best we can. Yesterday was a victory. Our daughter had a good birthday, even though her whole world has been mixed up lately. She was able to spend time with her parents together, to be a family. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it for them.
Happy 5th Birthday, Ava. You know and understand so much more than you should be able to at 5, but I still want you to stay a little girl for as long as you can. It goes fast. You are a model big sister, a sweet friend, and a sensitive, empathetic little girl. I am so proud to be your mother. Thank you for making me a Mom.
Posting has been nonexistant this weekend. Ava's 5th birthday is tomorrow, and she is a planner. We have been very busy planning every minute of tomorrow. She wants to have cake for breakfast and wake up to a room of balloons, so I've got to take care of that stuff tonight. =)
I can't believe my sweet baby girl is going to be 5 tomorrow. Time Flies!
Now I'm off to find the ingredients for a made from scratch strawberry cake. I like to be an overachiever like that. Like she's going to notice. Oh well. I'll always know I made it from scratch, and I can hold it over her head sometime later in life when she's being annoying. "How can you be so rude to me, Ava? Don't you know how much I love you? I slaved over the oven making you a FROM SCRATCH strawberry cake on your 5th birthday just to make you happy!"
So I'm going to be busy. But I've had kind of tough weekend, too. Kind of a yelling and shaking my fist at God weekend. I'm tired of being on my own, and I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself. I thought it might be worth it to repost something from the last time I was feeling this way. Although this was in reference to Seth and Eli and not to John, as I was reading it I found many of the points still applied to me, and might apply to you too. If you missed it before, I hope you enjoy, and if you've read it in the past, I hope it doesn't bore you too much. =)
See you all soon!
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Originally Posted 1/20/2009
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A friend that I am very blessed to have took a hard look at me the other day. She looked at me, as I was rambling on and on about how overwhelmed I am with doctors and therapies and appointments and how it just all seems a bit much and that maybe I'm being punished for something. She looked at me, and she said "When it all gets to be too much, you just have to remember the basics."
I looked at her, my face totally blank, no idea where she was heading with that.
"The Basics?" I asked her.
She smiled and signed "Jesus Loves You." to me. (She's my good friend and my sign language teacher, by the way).
"Ellyn," She said, "The bottom line is that Jesus loves you. If you believed that, you'd understand that God isn't punishing you for anything. God loves you. He knows you better than anyone and he loves you and he is using you for a great purpose. We just don't know what it is yet."
Throughout our conversation, we kept circling back around to that. The basics. She will never know what a blessing she was to me that day...I have been in bad shape lately. Sometimes, I don't want to be refined. I don't want to be used for anyone's purposes but my own. I want Eli to be alive, and I want Seth to hear, and I want to have lots of money and get to go shopping every day.
But if each of those things were true, I would not be who I am. If Eli had not died, John and I would not have realized how ridiculously blessed our lives were. I would not have realized what an amazing church family we have. I would not take the time to be silly and laugh and play with the kids I have even if it means the house stays a mess because I know that this time with them is fleeting.
If Seth could hear, I would never have learned to take every single second to hold him and love on him and show him I love him in every tangible, tactile way. I would not have had the chance to meet all the wonderful people who have come into my life since Seth's diagnosis, the women who have become my go to gals for what to talk to and what to do, to call so that I can laugh or cry over what's happening. I have never before felt so instantly bonded to people like Andrea and Courtney, Sarah and Erin and many others who are on Team Seth, who have emailed or called just to tell me that Seth mattered to them.
If we had lots of money, I would never have learned what it feels like for groceries to show up on our doorstep, or, on a bad month, someone offering to cover Ava's tuition. It has taught me what a church family should be. A few years ago, we were on the other end, we helped and gave and I love being on that side. But being on that side does not humble you, and I know now, after all of this humbling, I will be able to be a truly selfless giver when it is our turn again.
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Man, look at me spin that stuff! Believe me, I don't always see the bright side.
On Sunday night, we had an all church worship night. The idea is that everyone comes...babies, kids, parents, teens, everyone. That means there's no childcare. John was working. I decided to go anyway, and I am so glad I did. The older kids immediately ran off with the neighbor kids, and Seth and I settled in for some worship, which is my absolute favorite thing ever. More than sermons, more than anything. Singing songs to praise God is when I feel the closest to him.
Since Eli died, I have been craving worship but pretty much unable to participate in it. Every week for months I would to to church, step into service, the band would start to play, I would start to sing...and I would completely break down and run out of church. It felt so hard to be praising God, telling him he could fix ANYTHING, when he didn't fix Eli and I didn't feel like he was fixing me.
After that had happened enough times, I stopped going into service. I volunteered instead, I was all over the place and always there but never in the service during worhsip. It was painful...I wanted to be able to sing praises more than anything, but they would not come out of my mouth. It was not until John started playing with the youth praise band that I started to enjoy worship again, and to be able to get through a few songs without completely losing it. Wednesday nights, in our youth room, I felt like I could finally sing.
It's gotten better for me. I can go to service, I can sing the praise songs. But all church worship is my favorite. People really let go and get into praising God, and I wanted that and needed it this week. Bad.
We sang tons of amazing songs, but the one that is still in my head is called "Healer" The lyrics are below. In the song, the lyrics praise God for walking through fire, healing disease, and being everything we need.
On the surface, the words annoy me. I mean, Eli wasn't healed, and I feel like I need him.
But in the song, it's different. There is a section that says that "Nothing is impossible for you...you hold my world in my hands."
I kind of lost it at that point. Through God, everything is possible. He holds each and every one of our little, tiny worlds in his hands. They are his to bless, his to bring pain or trial or joy. Nothing is impossible through God, and yet when I begged him to save my son, for some reason, his answer was No.
I don't get that. I still struggle with it, every day. But there is no doubt in my mind that even though he said no, it was still in his power to say yes. It is not my job to know or understand why. It's my job to remember the basics. He loves me. He does not cause me pain lightly. I am being fitted for a purpose, and although he said no, he never left me to deal with it alone.
He walked with me through fire these past two years. Losing my son, stepping out in faith and getting pregnant again even though all the doctors said that there was a good chance we could go through it all again, seeing Seth born alive and then watching yet again as they took him away, too. Watching him fight to live, then sitting, listening to the audiologist tell me that "He's not hearing."
Sometimes I feel like it's too much to live through. On the bad days, I am still in danger of being sucked under the surface and never coming up. But I keep coming back to the basics. Jesus loves me.
He proves it in the moments of pure, unadulterated joy when I am holding Seth and singing and he laughs joyfully, or when my kids tell me they love me unprompted. Seeing them growing and reaching for their own personal relationship with Christ. It makes it all worth it. I don't know what is going to happen in our family, I don't know if I'll ever be over losing Eli. I don't know if Seth will ever hear the way I want him to. But what I do know is that God is working in me, working in him, and hopefully working in everyone who reads this post.
This is my hundredth post, and I wanted it to be important, to touch someone who maybe has been craving God like I have, who needs that extra push. Take it. He is there, waiting for you. He never left. Just reach out.
The lyrics and the video of the song Healer are below...it has literally been in my head since Sunday night.
HEALER
You hold my every moment You calm my raging seas You walk with me through fire And heal all my disease
I trust in You I trust in You
I believe You're my Healer I believe You are All I need I believe You're my Portion I believe You're more than enough for me Jesus You're All I need (More than enough for me)
Nothing is impossible for You Nothing is impossible Nothing is impossible for You You hold my world in Your Hands
I think someone took my pleas for a hug a little too seriously. Someone in Nigeria, I'm pretty sure. I received this gem today.
Greeting my dear,
my name is mary i am a young beautiful girl with full of love and caring also romantic, well i saw your profile today and i love it,i think we can click together please i will like you to use your email address ([email protected]) to contact me directly to my email box at the same time i will show you my photo and you also know more about me. thanks for your understanding please contact me with this email address below mary.
Wow. Someone needs to brush up on their grammar! As I always say, Good Grammar Costs Nothing! (Well, I actually wear a sweatshirt that says that a lot, rather than actually saying it aloud. But anyway.) I have the feeling if I emailed her back she would try to woo me and then ask me to make a wire transfer for her. I decided not to leave her hanging.
Dear Mary,
Thanks for your astonishingly well written letter and your compliments about my "profile." I'm not really sure what kind of profile you're talking about, as I usually get bored with any profiles before I finish filling them out and quit. My Blogger profile? It's pretty boring. My actual physical profile? Also not that great...my nose is not my favorite feature so you will very rarely see profile pictures of me. But thanks for the compliment anyway!
I think it's great that you're young and beautiful, and the fact that you're full of love and caring is impressive. And it's good to know romance isn't dead! If you read my profile you may have noticed my life's not very romantic lately. Maybe that's why you wrote! It's so nice of you to think of me, but even my husband leaving me is not enough for me to be romantically interested in a young, beautiful girl. I just don't swing that way.
Me? My name is Ellyn.
. I love God, my kids, and my family. I also like to read, a lot. And shop. I am creative but not crafty. Also sarcastic, although I would prefer the term witty. I'm also a fan of texting. I'm a huge procrastinator, and I'm almost never on time. I'm doing my best to navigate my life with laughter and grace as it takes several unexpected twists and turns. I have 6 awesome kids.
. Dramatic. Theatric. Operatic. Wants to be an Archaeologist. Currently living life as a musical.
. All green, all the time. Very Brave. Official bug-killer in our house. Wants to be a Knight when he grows up.
Greatly loved, and so, so greatly missed, Eli would be . He was stillborn into our waiting arms and born ALIVE into the arms of our Savior.
Our answered prayer and a miracle in his own right, Seth is . He came early and his list of issues was long, but he has stormed through every difficulty with the grace of God. He was diagnosed as profoundly deaf as an infant, and he received bilateral cochlear implants at 8 months of age. After seeing the character of our son, we say he is PROFOUNDLY SETH.
Evany, , is the fifth piece in our family puzzle. She entertains us all daily and is an immeasurable blessing to our home.
Coen Rhys McCall is and is quickly learning to hold his own with his siblings! He's pretty great.
