Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Here's to transparency

UPDATE 7/9: I can't tell you how much your comments and emails have meant to me. Since I began writing about Seth and our family, this blog has represented the first church to me, in the way that everyone has banded together to counsel, help, and just be there for us as we've gone through this year with Seth. Thank you for doing the same for us again. You are all so valued, I can't begin to explain. The kids and I are just hiding out today, trying to recharge, so please don't be offended if I don't reply to you right away. I have read every email, every comment, and they mean the world to me. Thank you.
ORIGINAL:
I didn't want to post about this, but there is no reason not to now. It is embarrassing, and ugly, and sitting here now, I don't know how to survive it.

My husband left me.

We have undergone a tremendous amount of stress since Eli's death, during my pregnancy with Seth, and through Seth's rough start. I was distracted. I was sad. But I thought our marriage was strong and could sit "on the back burner" until we grieved our son and got Seth what he needed. I was wrong.

Right now, I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next ten minutes, let alone the next ten days. I am heartbroken and alone, and so tired.

Please know that this is not a post to badmouth John, or to try to garner sympathy. This blog has always been a lifeline for me, and I am reeling and don't know what to say or do. I am deep in prayer, but feeling very abandoned.

The worst part is, if he walked in the door right now, I would be thrilled to see him. After the things he has said and done, that makes me feel ashamed. I was ready to do anything to fix our marriage, and he has chosen not even to try.

66 comments:

Jill Elaine said...

I'm so sorry, El. I will be praying for all of you.
Jill

Sherri said...

Oh El, I am so so sorry. I wish I could say I don't know how you feel, but my first husband left me when Dylan was only 7. He not only fell into drugs and alcohol (which cost us our home, vehicles, business) but he was arrested and ended up in rehab. That was when he decided that pursuing a relationship with someone else in rehab was more important than mending his marriage. I thought I was going to DIE. He was my lifemate, and I did take him back when he got out of rehab, but he was just using me until she got out. It hurt so much that many days the only reason I got out of bed was because Dylan needed me to. And I had to work to support us. But I grew to lean on Jesus like I never had before...there was the saying that you never realize how much you need Him until He is all you have. And then you do realize that He is all you need. When I realized he wasn't coming back, I prayed for God to someday bless me with another partner and lifemate who would put God above all other, and not only did God bring me my husband Paul (who is all that and more), but he blessed us with a son (I never thought I would have any more children because Dylan has such high needs).

I am sorry for the novel, but I really wanted you to know I am here if you want to talk. I know we have talked before about implants/deafness because of our sons, but unfortunately I have some experience in the husband leaving area as well. I will be lifting your family up in prayer. I will pray that John has a revelation that this is NOT God's will for him. Email me if you ever want to talk.
I am so sorry.

Praying,
Sherri (Dylan's mom)

Mommy said...

El,

I visit your blog a lot but rarely comment. I want you to know that I am praying for you and your children. I pray that God will strengthen you to be the rock for your family but also to give you peace to deal with all that may come.

I know that it is hard when you want to feel the blessing of the child within you but struggling with the world around you. We, as a blog community, will be there to support you on this journey, through the pain, suffering, frustration and joys.

I am praying for you,
Christina

Debbie said...

Oh honey...I am so saddened to hear this. The Lord can and will get you through this, just as He has with everything else. I will be praying extra hard for you and your children.
Congrats on the newest one.

Just'N Angel said...

Sending thoughts and prayers for you as you go through this horrible time and beautiful time. Congratulations on your precious new life! I am so sorry.

Claudia said...

Dear El,
I don't know you and you don't know me. I can't even remember how I came across your blog, but I have been reading it for several months now. I have never commented before, but this last post of yours just broke my heart. I felt compelled to tell you how sorry I am about what you are going through right now. Please know that I am praying for you and your sweet family. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now but perhaps it will help to know that people care. I do hope things work out and your family will be whole again. It's not impossible. With God's help it may happen. Please lean on Him...He is there for you and with you. I am praying for you to feel His presence. Again, so sorry for what you are going through. Stay strong!

Curdie said...

El, I'm so sorry.

There are so many marriages breaking up at our church that it has become an epidemic.

I'm praying for you and I hope that the miraculous happens.

Allegra Mooney said...

I'm a reader who came a little late to Seth's story. I understand all to well where you are (in the midst of it myself.) Just take this stage breath by breath. Never forget that God's loving arms are surrounding you at every moment, as are our prayers.

edbteach said...

Thinking of you El. Please let us know how you are doing.

Jennifer said...

I can't even express how sorry I am to hear this news. I'm really hurting inside for you. I have no words that will make your situation any better, but I just want you to know I'm thinking about you and praying for you and your family.

Rose said...

Oh I am so so sorry. I can't imagine what you must be going through. You are in my prayers, daily.

Kandis said...

I am soooo sorry to hear about what you are going through!! I have a cousin who just recently went through the same thing you are going through..had 4 kids and was pregnant with the 5th when her husband decided he didn't want to do it anymore either. Some of the things that you expressed here are some of the same things she said. I contacted her and gave her your blog address and think you both could help each other right now! I will pray for you and for what is best for you family!!

Firefly Photo Jewelry said...

Oh El! First off CONGRATS on the pregnancy! I'm so sorry you and John are struggling right now. I will definetly be praying that he is willing to hear God and come back to his family. Thanks so much for trusting us with this news. Please know we are all supporting you and loving you thru this trail. You have been thru soooo very much. You are strong..
Hang in there girl!
HUGS

Jennifer W. said...

I am so sorry. I don't know what else to say. I will pray for you! I pray God will bring peace to you and your family.
Jen

Jennifer W. said...

I also meant to congratulate you on the new baby. God's timing is so strange sometimes, but always perfect even when we can't understand. I know that's probably not much comfort right now, and I don't imagine there's much we could say to comfort you, but know that we are here and we are praying.
Jen

Anonymous said...

I'm a frequent reader, never commenter - I just wanted to say I'm so sorry. But also, congratulations on your little baby! I'm thinking about you and your family.
With peace,
Lesley

Janis said...

El,

I can imagine what you are feeling because I was there 2 years ago. I am sure you are devastated beyond measure. Just know you are not alone in your struggle.

Janis

Jessica Latshaw said...

You don't know me at all--but I just wanted to say you are a brave and lovely woman and my heart goes out to you and your family...I am praying for you all...and congrats on the beautiful new life within.

So very sad to hear about this painful time. --Jessica

Ginger Lamar said...

I am so sorry to hear this news El. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling right now. You have been through so much already. I will be praying for you and your family.

Holly said...

Saying a prayer for you

WendyCarole said...

I am so so sorry to hear your news. Praying for you all

Anonymous said...

I read your blog a lot but I have never left a comment, but I want you to know I am praying for you and your family!

Cherissa

Taking Heart said...

To sift through your comments thus far, I pray you see that, in fact, you are not alone.

And yet, I'm sure you feel very much alone.

Hang onto the scripture at the bottom of your blog...cling to it and claim it. Jeremiah 29:11.

God knows.
He knows your heart.
He knows you husband's heart.
He knows everything.

Know that you are a light. Take care of yourself, rest in the Lord. Know that you are covered in prayer.

Melissa said...

El, I am so sorry! I know there is nothing that I can say or do that will make this "ok." Because of my hearing loss and my brothers, my parents marriage also suffered. My parents divorced when I was 7. I will lift your family up in my prayers. He has you, John and your children in His hands, and he will take care of all of you.

Sparkette said...

Congrats on the baby! Praying for you and the family!

Be strong, know that He is with you!

Jennifer said...

Oh El, I'm so sorry.

I came into Seth's story late myself and I always read but rarely comment.

Just know that I am praying for you every minute.

Dorsey said...

El, I know it must have been very hard revealing so much of your private life on your blog, but here you have a following and will be given support and prayer. I went through a divorce at the age of 25 with two little ones to care for. I worked two jobs and went to college, it was HARD! My God and my sister got me through the rough times. I remarried several years later and had two more children, my second husband and I will be celebrating our 23rd anniversay this year. I will keep you in my prayers. God is Faithful! It won't be easy, but there will be joy again at the end of this trial.

Lauren said...

Heartbreaking post. Thank you for having the courage to share with us. I am sure it was hard enough to type those words out. In the midst of all this tragedy, I am so happy for your new life! I hope that little one (and all your "big" kids) can help sustain you through these hard times. We are all here to support you!

tomandcheryl said...

I check your blog every single day but I rarely comment. usually just to say how cute one of the kids are! but I felt like I had to today. I am sitting here with my jaw litterally on the table. I just can't believe it. I keep thinking, maybe someone hacked her blog and this is a sick twisted joke. I am just shocked. You 2 always seemed so strong to me. Stronger than strong. Invincible. YOu have been through so much and I just don't understand. Honestly, it makes me and my marriage feel so vulnerable. I know you will weather this and I hope you are a better person for it.
I know this is easier said than done but for that little baby inside of you, please try not to stress too much. S/he is another life that just wants to get here to put a smile on his/her mommy's face.
~Cheryl

Chickie said...

So sorry to hear this... I will be praying for you!

God Bless!
Kristen

Ace said...

Oh no. So sorry, will be praying for your family.

Shaina N said...

There is nothing I can say other than I'm sorry, and that I'm praying for you.

God, please lift up El right now, as well as Ava, Jace, Seth, and this brand new baby on the way... Lord, keep them and watch over them. Wrap your arms around them and hold them in your love, just like you do everyday. Allow them all to feel your presence as they go through this horrible feeling. God, breath life into El. Allow her to get through every minute of every day, and to be strong for her children. Allow her to see your plan, and to see the small things that make her life important. Allow her to be a wonderful Mommy, even though she's horribly stressed, and allow her to grieve and mourn in a safe, healthy manner.
In Jesus name, Amen.

Nutty Mom said...

My heart breaks for you. I cannot even imagine the feelings you must have. You are in my thoughts and prayers. And oh I wish we lived closer so that I could help in a more tangible way. I will be praying praying praying.

Anonymous said...

El,

I read your blog often but never comment. Congratulations on your new pregnancy! After reading your latest post I realized that you are stronger than words can describe. Regardless to what happens with your marriage, you will rise above and you will find happiness someway somehow.

You are one of the strongest woman I know.

-Fan of El

Anonymous said...

El - I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you, I am praying for you and want you to know that you are loved. You are one of the strongest people I have ever met. Please know that you are not alone, if you ever need ANYTHING let me know. I will drive, fly, take a train whatever I can do to help you.

Bekah

I'm just me... said...

Dear El,
You don't know me, but I wanted to let you know I am praying for you and your family in this difficult time. You said in your post that you feel ashamed that you would be thrilled to see him. Don't be ashamed of loving someone.

God has blessed you with a new life within. Congrats on this new addition.

Love and prayers from WV.

EH said...

My heart goes out to you and I will pray for you {and the kids...because your hubby has forgotten their feelings in this} often in the next while. Allow the arms of Jesus to wrap around you and your children and lean on Him.

Momof2bz said...

Praying for you during this difficult time. You have beautiful children and I am sure that their love and that of a new child will provide you with great joy. Hopefully John will remember his committment to you and to them and come back soon.

April Swarthout said...

El, I am 26 years old my son just turned 2 and I have been married 5 years as of last month but we have been together of 12 years. he is the only one i have ever known, it has been a year and a half since i found out he was having an affair on me with my best friend and it started when i got pregnant. we are still together but it is not easy. i struggle everyday not even with the issue of the affair but with him just not being part of this family. i just want you to know that your are not alone even though it fills like it my heart breaks for you and the kids. THE WILL OF GOD WILL NEVER TAKE YOU WHERE THE GRACE OF GOD WILL NOT PROTECT YOU. praying for you.

april

Momof2bz said...

I am sorry to comment again so soon but after re-reading your post, I had to. While you are entitled to your grief, please don't blame yourself. Over the past few years you have had alot to deal with, somethings most people never have to experience. I don't want to badmouth your husband either because no one is perfect. You are not to blame for the avenues of comfort that he has sought. Please don't blame yourself for that.

BeLoVed AiMeE said...

Oh El, I am so sorry. My husband and I have almost split up twice. I know how devastated you are feeling. I am so so sorry and will be praying for you. But nonetheless..congratulations on your pregnancy. You may not feel or see it now but a baby will be such a blessing for you.

natalie eve said...

I am a frequent reader and may have commented once or twice before, but I need to let you know that I am praying for you and John, your babies here & the one in your womb. I am so saddened to read this post, literally in tears. I will lift you & this sitation up.
Your Sister In Christ, Natalie

Mikki Black said...

Oh, darling woman, know that you are loved. I am so so sorry to hear about this. Here's a hug, and know that lots of prayers are headed your way, too.

I don't know what the future will bring for you, but I do know that God promised us that he would work all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. (Rom 8:28)

I hope the good comes your way very soon.

Brent, Missy, Aubrey, Eli, & Nathaniel Copes said...

I am so sorry! I have been through what you are feeling and I know what it does to your insides. I came home and found my ex-husband on the sofa in a compromising position with someone else. I too was willing to go to counseling and he came for one session and gave up. I was heart broken and my self-esteem was so low I could not see clearly. I am so sorry that you are having to go through that. All I can tell you is that God is the only thing that got me through it. He brought a new man into my life who is an awesome Christian and a great Daddy about a year after my divorce and we have been married now going on 10 years. I am living proof that God can bring you through something horrible and things can be better on the other side. Please feel free to email me at copesfamily5@bellsouth.net and I will send you my phone number if you want to talk to someone who has been through it! You are in my prayers. Missy

Windy said...

Ellyn, I am just totally stunned and have no idea what to say. I think the world of you and can't even imagine how you are feeling. We live here, close to the church now, so please call.... I want to help and I want to be here for you in whatever ways I can be as a friend. I am going to spend some time in prayer for you right now while my kids are sleeping. I love you! -Windy

Anonymous said...

I don't know you and I started reading your blog because we both have a son named Seth. I can't begin to imagine the feelings that are racing through you right now. But know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. May God bless you and keep you wrapped in his loving arms in your time of need. Rest easy knowing He is always with you and will carry you in your time of need.

Courtney

newsgirl5@gmail.com

theresa said...

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} Praying here in southern Michigan.

Anonymous said...

(((El))) I'm so sorry/:( I hope that he sees the light and comes back to his family, or at least makes an attempt to be more involved or connected.

And congratulations on the new baby! Despite the situation, a new baby is always a blessing!

Kelly said...

I am so sorry to hear this, El. I read this last night, and since then have been thinking of you and praying for you and your family, and I will continue to do so. May God give you peace and hold you and your precious little ones close during this difficult time.

Your children are beautiful, and congratulations on the little one on the way.

Michelle said...

SO sorry to hear this! Praying for you El!

Michelle said...

SO sorry to hear this! Praying for you El!

Anonymous said...

I am a longtime reader, but I've never commented. I just wanted to say congrats on baby number five! Put your energy into growing another beautiful babe and know that everything will work out for the best. I will be praying for your family.

Mandy and Jack said...

I love you. :)

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry, and I will be praying for you. Remember that you are loved, and if there is anything I (we) can do, please do not hesitate to contact me...we still have to touch base to get you the 4 we have from Seth's garage sale. Take care of yourself to the very best of your ability...take comfort in the gift you have growing inside you and the ones you have surrounding you. While they are work, they will pull you through.
Blessings-
Laura from FL

Paige said...

Wow. So sorry, El!

You're in my thoughts,
Paige

Analiza said...

Hi El,

I just got back from San Diego... and read your blog post. And I'm in shock and in awe.

I'll be praying for you and your children.

Remember that there is always a BIGGER plan for you, BIGGER than what you can comprehend in this moment of despair.

BUT remember also, that you are NOT alone. We are ALL here for you. And as I've said before when we met for the very first time, you will always have someone here in So. Cal. we welcome you and your children as family.

Whatever you may need, don't be afraid to ask. We are all here for you and your children. Don't be afraid of the journey you have ahead of you because you will never walk that road alone. Ever.

Analiza said...

BTW... CONGRATULATIONS for the miracle of life growing within you right now. The Bernat family is so happy for this great blessing =D

Trish said...

Well.. congrats on the new baby and I'm so sorry about the marriage.
I'll definitely keep you guys in my prayers. Both my heart and my stomach hurt even thinking about you going through all of this.

Anna said...

I am so so sorry. You do not need to feel ashamed. You were willing/are willing to try to repair the marriage, unfortunately you cannot force someone else to do the same. I will be praying! And CONGRATULATIONS on the newest little blessing! Lots of love sent your way. And know I have always been praying for you and your family the whole time and will continue to do so.

Anonymous said...

El-
You are a beautiful mother. Your most lasting impact in this world will be the love and strength that you give to your children. You have provided Seth with such amazing opportunities with all of your hard work and determination that he receive the best treatments available. I will pray for you and all of your children here on earth. Congratulations on your most recent blessing.

Julie said...

Oh El...my heart is breaking for you. I cannot even imagine. You are in my prayers. Please email me anytime if you need to talk. You are SO strong, you have more courage than you know. Your strength has always amazed me and you will be okay. I love you!

Shannon said...

I just stumbled on to your blog a couple of minutes ago, and I believe it is not by accident.

I don't even know you and you have no clue who I am or what I've gone through. I want to share with you one of my favorite passages:

James 1:2-4: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

That passage is from the NIV version of the bible, but I also like The Messages version of James 1:2-4, which says:

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."

Stay strong, have faith and know that you are being prayed for.

Take care,
Shannon
http://confessionsofaresilientsurvivor.blogspot.com/

Sarah said...

I sent you an email, but just in case you haven't checked it yet I wanted to let you know that we are thinking good thoughts for your strong family. Your faith will get you through this, El! Those beautiful children will hold your hands through this as well. Please know that we are here for you for WHATEVER you need.

And congratulations on your new little miracle!! He/she is so lucky to have you for a mom!

Courtney said...

I am so sorry:( I really don't know what to say but you are a strong woman after all you have been through! I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts!

Stacy said...

I am so sorry. God hasn't brougt you this far to let you fall now. Hang in there. You will get through this!

Blessings,
StacyG
Tampa, FL

Melissa, Multi-Tasking Mama said...

The promise I lean on in difficult times is Isaiah 43:1-4. He promises that the waves (and it seems to me you are facing a tsunami that you do not deserve) will not sweep over you and the fire (though it should have long ago been extinguished) will not burn you. My sweet bloggy friend, my heart hurts for you right now. I will be praying for you and your precious children. God will work good from this, His word never returns void. (((((hugs))))) One day at a time, El. One minute at a time. That's all you can do.

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