Friends

So I came to Starbucks tonight to hang and get some work done answering emails and blogging while John had his visit with the kids and instead I have gotten sucked into the longest and strangest twittversation in the world. Then I started chatting with one of my best friends on face book, and then somehow I found some LOST theory I hadn't read yet.

So in other words, I'm an easily distracted procrastinator.

I know I know, you all knew that already.

I just...I love my friends. I have a handful of friends who I have known for ten-fifteen years now, who have been there for every big and small event in my life, who can off the top of their head remember the nicknames we had for boys so we could talk about them in code, who have seen me cry my very ugliest cry, who have laughed so hard we've all ended up laying on the ground trying to desperately to breathe. They were there for my soap operatastic high school and college experience, and they rode the roller coaster right along with me no matter how melodramatic it got. The friends who know my shorthand, who I can call after months of no contact and jump right into a conversation we had maybe a year ago.

Then I have the friends who I met after moving to Florida six years ago, who have stood alongside me as I navigated the uncharted territory of motherhood, who have answered my calls and refused to laugh when I beg them for guidance on whether or not my kid is drinking too much water or rolling over at the proper time. These friends stood unflinchingly behind me as I dealt with the loss of Eli, no matter how distant, self absorbed, and distracted I was. They helped me plan his memorial, they go out of their way to say his name, they are always willing to come sit in my living room and drink sangria and talk about how we're most likely messing up our kids. These friends will guard my pride when I need help, parent my children as if they were their own, and let me give back in the limited ways I can right now.

In many ways, these friends are like family to me, as precious to me as my mom and my extended family and they have earned that place by being amazing.

But the friends I never expected were the ones I met here, on this little piece of property on the internet, the people who were inexplicably drawn to our story, who took it upon themselves to comment or email and probably comment and email again because I'm such a loser at communicating, and who somehow over the past year and a half have become such close friends that I can call them unexpectedly when I'm going into labor or call at any time of day just to chat without a good reason. I plan visits and vacations with them and when we meet up we have so much fun that it's almost impossible we've just met...from the internet. They make me laugh so hard I cry, and I feel like I've known them forever. It's crazy, but they've become as valuable to me as many of my "real life" friends, even become real life friends to me, and sometimes I can't believe what amazing people I have in my life.

So I guess all of that is to say that while keeping your spouse first and your priority is so important, don't forget to guard your friendships as well. If, God forbid, anything does happen to your marriage or relationship, your friends and family are going to be the most important people to you, the first responders in healing and guarding your heart as you try to go about your life in a whole new world. I would even venture to say that having good friends, a good support system to hold us accountable and remind us of who we are can actually make us better husbands and wives than we would be in a vacuum, when we expect our spouse to be absolutely everything to us. While that's ideal, there are going to be times in a marriage when one spouse just can't give 100% for whatever reason, and in those situations, it's imperative to have friends around who can help pick up the slack in an appropriate manner while guiding us towards building our marriage up and not tearing it down.

I love friends.

In which we reveal our startling knowledge of Quantum Physics.

Or, How do you pronounce "Crayon"?

Weekend Wrap Up

So my children are basically little monsters, or possibly they're going to be brilliant. I most definitely need to stop letting them have rest time alone in their room, but man, that 2 hours keeps me sane, so...it's a toss up.  Yesterday they got into an art kit of Ava's and painted a landscape in black paint on their walls.  Today they did an "experiment" wherein they got a toy gumball machine, filled it with water from every single bottle of water in our house, and were surprised when it leaked.

Good experiment.  Also good that I got rid of their carpet a long time ago. Not good that they wasted an entire roll of paper towels cleaning up.

After the painting incident Mara and I were sitting at the kitchen table and I was contemplating whether drinking wine at 3 was trashy or not. I did conclude that all I had in the house was beer, and as tempting as it was, I was definitely not going to drink beer at 3 pm as that definitely WAS trashy, even if it was relatively fancy beer like Stella Artois left over from New Year's. Instead of drinking, I called John and told him he may not have any children left if he didn't come entertain them for a while and take care of the mess, God love them. He headed over with a guitar and apparently serenaded them into submission, which was nice, although I did notice today that none of that black paint actually got cleaned up, so...ugh. But at least I got a chance to put it all into perspective instead of listing my kids on freecycle. Normally I'm fine with being the only adult in the house, but every once in a while it gets to be a bit much.

Because of my bad day, my friend Jeremy decided to drive up from south Florida and hang out, and I was actually able to talk him into line dancing, which was hilarious. I'm a terrible line dancer, let me tell you, but I think it's the most entertaining thing to do, ever, and I don't mind when people ask me to dance because I'm not expected to touch them.

That sounded weird. I'm not against touching people, I just don't like to touch random people. I got J to hit the floor for the Cha Cha Slide, which always reminds me of the cruises the girls and I take, and man, you have never seen anything more entertaining than a 6 and a half foot tall guy doing the Charlie Brown and bringing it down low. We also got to witness some amazing mechanical bull riding and you would not believe how many girls tried to ride the thing tandem facing each other and how hard I laughed every time they inevitably knocked heads. Physics, people. It's going to happen. The best, thought, was the girl who rode the bull wearing her festively fuzzy Christmas Socks. I mean, it's only February. In Florida.

The highlight, though, was this 45-50 year old man who struck up a conversation with me while Jeremy was off talking to people, which is a talent he has. He was wearing a paisley shirt that was oh so definitely purchased on some sort of cruise, and he had mardi gras beads on. It was unclear whether he had added the beads at home to finish off his outfit or whether he'd procured them at the bar doing who knows what, but it was the most amazing outfit. He started our conversation by asking me if I'd ridden a horse to the bar, and he seemed slightly disappointed when I told him that I had not, and that the car I'd ridden in was just a plain old sedan and not a juiced up monster truck. He asked me if I was single and when I told him I was going through a divorce, he nodded excitedly and said "Perfect!" Nice, let me tell you. When Jeremy came back I escaped and left him stranded talking to Paisley Shirt Guy and it was awesome, even though I got several texts telling me that he hated me for it. I can live with that.

So all in all, a relatively successful weekend. Ava is newly obsessed with folding her own laundry, so we've been working on that and man, wouldn't that be nice if she did a chore? Seth spent all day today at church obsessed with a drinking fountain and he still won't even think about going to the nursery. I left him in child care last week for a meeting and the kid cried so hard he puked. I've never seen a kid like this. I spent some time on the phone with Sarah this afternoon, so be on the lookout for the link to that...thirty minutes of your life you'll never get back listening to us try to stay on one topic for more than twenty seconds. We're not watching the super bowl, mostly because I only watch sports for a good reason like food or a party. I am, however, rooting for the Colts in support of Indiana. Go Colts!

Random/Wicked

So Wicked was kind of amazing, I've got to say. Dinner was also awesome, and I'm now kind of in love with mojitos, for two reasons...one, there was pretty much an entire fruit salad in mine, and two, I really like saying the word 'mojito.' Mojito! Plus they have chocolate cake that is roughly a foot in diameter. That, my friends...is beyond. Beyond. I don't even know what it's beyond...it's just beyond it all. I could use a foot long piece of cake right now.

But the musical...wow. Glinda was my favorite, followed closely by Fiyero. Once I read the playbill, though, I realized why...the chick that played Glinda also played Sharpay in High School Musical...the musical. And the guy that was Fiyero played Warner in the musical version of Legally Blond. And you all know I love me some High School Musical and I'll admit publicly for the first time I loved Legally Blond. I'm kind of a sucker for ditzy blonds and vapid frat boy types.

Which is why I made so many bad dating choices in the past. But that's another story.

Our seats were amazing...I twittered a picture, it's over on the left sidebar...we were center stage and sixteen rows back and I could actually see the facial expressions of the actors. I had never seen the show or even known the entire storyline...we basically went in knowing it was a Wizard of Oz "prequel" and so I was totally shocked by the ending. It was very, very cool.

And that Popular song is stuck in my head. Like, a lot.

Jace has walked by me at least five times since I've been writing going back and forth from his room to the bathroom, and he has that look on his face that tells me he is going to be in big trouble when I manage to get up from this couch and see what he's been getting into. I'm going to put it off a bit longer because what I don't know is not going to hurt me right now.

I'm feeling blah today. I'm really looking forward to seven o'clock when I can get the kids in bed. There is actual grown up food in my house that I can cook (meaning, beyond macaroni and lunch meat and fruit) and the girls are coming over, so hopefully I'll be able to shake myself out of this mood by then.

Just to end this totally disjointed post I'm going to show you what was one of the highlights of my day yesterday. Facebook cracks me up. Although not quite as much as Mandy.

Remove

Ellyn Meinzer McCall http://bit.ly/9taSOS#disqus_thread You guys' comments are making me cry in carline. Can I love blog readers I've not met? Cuz I think I do!

Yesterday at 2:20pm via Twitter  · Comment · 

Mandy Crawford Hornbuckle

Yes, but you have to love the ones you have met much, much more.

Yesterday at 3:26pm · 

Ellyn Meinzer McCall

I already love you so much it's slightly inappropriate, Mandy.

Yesterday at 3:46pm · 

Mandy Crawford Hornbuckle

I assure you, the inappropriateness is mutual.

Yesterday at 3:58pm · 

Jeremy Spradlin

wow. thats all i can say

Yesterday at 4:44pm · 

Kara Ketter

you two are getting J ten shades of excited!

Yesterday at 6:59pm · 

Ellyn Meinzer McCall

Oops!

Yesterday at 7:08pm · 

Ellyn Meinzer McCall

I can't help. Mandy rocks!!

Yesterday at 7:09pm · 

Mandy Crawford Hornbuckle

Don't listen to them. We'd be great together, Ellyn. I'm just not ready to be a step-mom to five kids, that's all. I hope you understand.

Yesterday at 7:49pm · 

Ellyn Meinzer McCall

Are you breaking up with me???

Yesterday at 10:48pm · 

Mandy Crawford Hornbuckle

Never!!!!

Yesterday

Hope everyone is having a great Friday...I'm going to go find some ice cream and eat it while hiding somewhere my kids can't find me. 

Lemonade

I just typed out this long meandering post and then it disappeared. 


Uncool. 


But enlightening. My post was getting long and confusing and the whole point was lost, so maybe my second attempt will be more succinct. 


Today marks another month that has passed since my marriage broke up. 


Man, that sucked, huh?


And yet, this is the overarching feeling I have when I think back over the past months. Don't be too shocked.


Thank God. 


I mean, it's not that I'm glad that I will be a divorcee in a few weeks. I hate the extra care and effort that will have to go into guarding my children's hearts and minds when I never wanted this for them, but still...


Thank God.


Thank God He saw fit to see me through these months, to the day that it suddenly dawned on me that in many ways I am better off, a healthier and more whole person since my husband left. 


He's probably reading this, so...sidenote: Thanks, John! If you hadn't given up on me, I never would have realized that in many ways I had given up on myself, or just how miserable I was in so many areas of my life. I was backsliding, mistrustful, losing faith even as I grasped it by a thread. I had reasons to feel all those things, valid ones. Your leaving jump started this journey I've been on, and all this time, when I thought I was just trying to rebuild our marriage, it turned out that I was actually rebuilding myself. (And no, nothing in the above paragraph is mean to be snarky.)


Okay, back on track. I have been broken since Eli died. That day changed me, for better or worse, in a way that even my marriage vows didn't. I was consumed by grief. Then Seth was born, and because he was deaf, and because it was easy to blame myself because if I hadn't "failed" him by delivering early maybe he would have kept his hearing, I was consumed by passion to help him. I was consumed with my children, keeping them alive, keeping them safe, when I should have realized that there was only so much I could do protect them, being only human and all, and not, you know, God. 


But these several months of being on my own, in a sense, have helped me to find that part of me that I thought was gone. I'm happy. I didn't even realize it until someone told me, said that as crazy as it seemed in the midst of all this, I seemed more at peace than I have in a long time. 


Then I realized it was true and offered them a cookie, because...man, why didn't I realize this sooner? I've been doing all this work on me to fix my marriage and I never once realized that even if my husband didn't want to benefit from my efforts, I still could! In a lot of ways I am much more prepared to be a good and happy wife than I ever was before, and if not that, I am already a better and happier person, even on my own.


I have to tell you, I'm a fan of being happy. I'm a fan of looking forward to life with a more balanced view of what my family should and can be, with myself as a person who feels real and whole as a woman and not just a mom. I like being able to find a way to reconcile ME me with MOM me and not feeling bad about it. That while it's not ideal, I'm capable of doing this, and doing it well. Who knew it...kids do better when their parents like themselves. Rocket Science, I tell you.


Of course, they do even better when their parents like both themselves and one another, but we're getting there, and, also, you can't always get what you want. 


But when you try sometimes, you get what you need. (Sidenote, I miss GLEE.)


Turns out I don't need my husband to survive or be happy, although obviously that would have been the best case scenario, and man,  I hope this doesn't trick anyone into thinking I'm a fan of divorce, because...no, no way dude. But on the flip side, I'm also not a fan of forcing people to stay married, and if you do, where's God in that? I'm okay with it. I mean, I think it would probably be best to be married to someone who wants to be married to you, too. And I feel strongly that when God is quiet about something, when he holds back from convicting someone, there is a reason.


Maybe someday it will happen, and I'll find a partner and best friend, someone who will laugh at my jokes and think my neuroses are cute, and who will wake up every morning making the choice to love me even when I'm being unlovable. Who will be honest even when it means I'll be sad or mad or frustrated. Who will work tirelessly to prevent the enemy from attacking our union, as he so wants to do.


It would be great if that happened for me, but if it doesn't, that's cool too. But I promise you if I do this again, I'm doing it for keeps. Because now I'm back. I'm no longer grieving, not my son's death or my marriage's demise.  I'm so blessed by each of my children, and by the years I spent with John. I'll always remember that boy I married very fondly and I'll probably always love him, although I don't really see him in the guy I am developing this strange, quirky friendship with as we learn to parent our children together.


Over all these months, I have prayed for peace. For peace with John's decisions, peace to guide my actions in the right direction. It eluded me. I never knew what to do, I never felt closure or like my marriage was over. 


But now, for whatever reason, in whatever timing, I am at peace. We've survived these months, and in the years to come, I have complete peace and conviction about something, and I know, for once, without a doubt, that it's straight from God. 


While our family being intact and whole was the goal, we have survived what has happened here, in this fallen world. And it won't stop there. 


I think...no, I know we're going to thrive. 


It's yet another place I never thought I'd be, something else I never asked for. But just as great good has come from the tragedy of Eli's death in the form of bringing other's to Christ, and that great good has come from sharing Seth's story, I also know that good will come of this, somehow. 


But seriously, I've had enough lemonade, okay? I don't want to see any more lemons around here!

School Days

My house is quiet and I should be cleaning since John has the kids out and about and Evany is sleeping peacefully for once.

But how can I clean when the house is quiet, the kids are out, and Evany is sleeping?

Yeah, I pretty much can't, because as much as I want clean floors, I want to sit on my couch more. Much more. I'm tired.

Homeschooling was tough today. With a capital T.

I've had several questions about the type of school my kids go to, and I've never really addressed it, mostly because I always forget. Ava attends something called a community school. It goes from Pre-K through 8th grade, and the students attend class on campus three days a week and are taught by their parents at home two days a week. (Well, our family actually does our "home" schooling on campus with a few other families as well due to a scholarship we receive, but the concept remains the same.) Our school is a Christian school that operates with a biblical world view, but not all the community schools I've heard of are.

I pretty much love the concept. They get all the socialization of school, while still benefiting from the high level of parental involvement homeschooling brings. Plus, there are lesson plans for the home school days, so I don't have to worry about writing plans or choosing curriculum, etc. Ava homeschools on Monday and Wednesday and attends academic classes Tuesday and Thursday. On Friday they have enrichment days, when they kids get their fill of art, P.E., band, and foreign languages.

Our school goes out of their way to remain affordable, and costs about half as much as traditional private schools. To offest that, we put on two big fundraisers a year, a golf tournament in the fall and a Gala and silent auction in the spring. By the way, if anyone wants to donate for the silent auction, let me know!

Ava's school has 70 students. She is one of 12 in her kindergarten class. We're a small school but a big family, and you'd better believe there isn't a family in our school that wouldn't bend over backwards for someone else at a moment's notice. There have been times I've needed a favor and I've literally pulled out our school directory and flipped through it randomly. Every family in our school shares similar beliefs and parenting ideals, and because of that, I don't have to worry if Ava wants to have a playdate with so and so after school. There will be a time when my kids will have to brave the big world and not be sheltered, but as a parent I feel strongly that sheltering is exactly what young kids need to thrive. There is all the time in the world to learn about all the confusing, crazy, bad things out there, but right now, I want my kids growing up in a familiar, comfortable environment where I know I could trust every other family there with my children's safety without a second thought.

I've had people ask me if I would put the kids in public school because of my divorce or because there are so many of them or because I'm so busy, but I'm very committed to our school. Public school can work when parents are very involved, but I am just in love with every family at Ava's school. Our school has committed to stand by and support our family every step of the way when they didn't have to, and that means everything to me. Families from the school have been there for us through Seth's diagnosis and surgery, through the summer when I thought I would literally die from some version of a broken heart, through my pregnancy with Evany and her birth. And you never feel obligated to make it up to anyone. They show up with meals or offering to do yard work or just to hang out with the kids or go out for coffee, and it has been amazing. Even when we have nothing in common personally (which is rare!), we share a love of Christ and a very strong motivation to raise our children up in Him and prepare them well for life.

In many ways, even though the academics of our school are very good, the reason we're there is the people. The people are amazing, and with their help Ava (and Jace and Seth and Evany eventually) are growing up with lots of knowledge about math and science and history and reading and, also, their faith and the bible and how to be a strong Christian. It's amazing to me to see the older elementary and middle school age girls treat Ava with so much kindness and really take her under their wing...they have no idea that it makes her day every time they look in her direction, but it totally does. With such a small school, the relationships between the kids are so strong and so awesome to watch as they develop.

See, now that I've written down all the things I love about it I feel much better about the fact that the kids were hooligans for home school today. It happens, and it's totally worth it because on the good days, watching your child learn something you taught them is just the coolest thing. Of course, it's only slightly cooler than getting to send my kids off to be taught by other people the next day. It's a nice balance!

And, Vivi's nap is over, so I'm off. At least she gave me time to post!

Dear Seth - 18 months

Dear Seth,

You're eighteen months old. Eighteen! I'm very proud (and relieved!) to announce that as of now, when you're actually turning the corner to eighteen months and a half, you are finally walking full time. 

I might have thought this day would never come. 

But here it is, and you're on the move. The downside is that now that you're not crawling, your medic alert bracelet doesn't clank on the ground and keep me continuously aware of where you're at in the house. Now that you're wandering on two feet, I'm always shocked at the places I find you. Your sister came to me this morning and told me that she was sure you would grow up to be a scientist, since you definitely liked doing experiments involving the toilet.

Sure enough, that's where I found you. You were probably measuring the relative volume versus mass of the toys you were tossing in there, right? 

I had a sneaking suspicion you were becoming a giant like your older siblings, and our pediatrician visit confirmed that for me. You've jumped over 50 percentage points on the growth chart, and you're off the charts for weight. You're 27 pounds and 36 inches tall and outgrowing your clothes in roughly a day and a half. I'm unprepared, since you literally stayed in the same clothes from about 6 months to a year because you did that whole stopping growing thing. By the way, that was no fun.

No more, though! You're eating everything in sight, growing like crazy, and you're a head taller than babies who were previously towering over you. Talk about making up for lost time! 

You're still in therapy multiple times a week, and you hate performing on command. You're obnoxious like that. By our last count you "have" between 25 and 30 words, meaning that we have heard you say them correctly and in context, but you by no means say them when we ask you to. When I ask you to say something you look at me like I am both insane and stupid rolled into one, but then you look at me and say something crazy like "Uh-huh, at the table." Oh really, Seth? You'll tell me you want to eat at the table, stringing multiple words together, but you won't say BALL when I ask? Ridiculous. It's a good thing you're cute.

You're still very cuddly, which I love, and you have become a champion hugger. You spread your arms out wide, grin, then throw your arms around me and squeeze, then throw in a few back pats for good measure. It's pretty much the highlight of my day. You've also started kissing people right on the lips, which is a pretty intense encounter, since you drool more than most babies I've seen. You'll lounge on the couch or floor with me and your brother and sisters and just veg out, which is a very important activity in my mind. I'll do whatever I can to foster that in all of you. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Now that you're walking, you have no fear...you climb all the funiture, basically throw a few backflips off the sides and back, and refuse to let anyone help you do anything. Unless you want people to do everything for you, which is apparently totally different. If you see me coming with a clean diaper, you throw yourself down on the ground and hike your legs up in the air, which is just as funny every time you do it. 

You're absolutely in love with your baby sister Vivi, which is a huge relief. You insist on hugging her first thing every morning, and if she's not in her usual "spot" in the living room you're known to get pretty worked up until you manage to ascertain her location and check it out. I think you're going to be super protective of her and drive her up the wall. It's going to be awesome. 

Basically, you're still totally my baby, albeit a big, unwieldy one. You're finally sleeping great without waking at all and I am in love with that. You're very conscious of strangers, and you refuse to go to most people. I love you so much it hurts. Everything we went through, you and I, in your crazy first year of life has really bonded us in a special way. I have been thrilled that this year has proven to be much easier and more laid back for you. You're just a typical kid now, and boy do I love that. 

Happy 18 months, Seth. You rock my socks. 

Love, Mama