These kids of mine.

I love my kids. They're amazing. But as I'm sure most of you know, this phase of life is not a walk in the park. Actually, is any phase a walk in the park? I have yet to find a phase that is a walk in the park. It's all fun, but it can all be hard, too.

I sometimes get overwhelmed with having five young kids at home. Usually it's the older ones that cause problems though...fighting or name calling or otherwise being sick of one another. So sick of each other they completely lose it if I separate them. Makes total sense, right? I've been used to Ava and Jace's love/hate relationship for a while now.  But now Seth and Evany have been coming into their own and they will. not. stop. picking. at. each. other. I could often mistake them for the seagulls in Finding Nemo. "Mine! Mine! Mine! MINE!"

It's adorable, as I'm sure you can imagine.

But lately, it's been like the perfect storm around here. Ava is 7 going on 17 and so emotional. If you critique anything she does at all she says we must not love her and runs to her room. Jace is just exhausted after school and he falls apart incredibly easily. The other night at church he threw a tantrum that lasted almost 30 minutes. Because I said he couldn't have candy.  Seth has begun waking up in the middle of the night and turning on all the lights and watching the television, Evany has hit the terrible twos with a vengeance and is often seen throwing herself to the ground in protest of everything, and Coen is suddenly back to waking up every two hours at night. Also, they've decided they hate everything that I cook except for one thing. Yogurt. They like my yogurt. You can't live on yogurt alone, but my kids are apparently going to die trying. Ava and Jace have been known to burst into tears when I tell them what I'm making for dinner. It's really, really great for making me feel self-confident.

I am at a loss. I know this is a season of life, and I try hard to make sure I'm finding sweet moments throughout our day to remember when things get ugly. Overall, my kids are well behaved and reasonably kind and obedient. But right now, I have to say I'm fairly certain my children have formed an army to rise up against me. Is this what kids do in the winter when it's too cold to go outside? Go insane?

The upside is that if they are in cahoots against me, at least it means maybe they're bonding with each other and someday when they're older they'll sit around a table laughing as one of them recounts the story of how they used to drive me crazy. "Hey guys, remember that time Mom locked the door so she could go to the bathroom and we picked the lock just so we could bug her and steam came out of her ears? That was AWESOME!"

Working hard for the money

I had this great plan to take pictures every day this year. I didn't do it. I also planned to blog every day. I'm not doing a very good job of either! This post is boring without pictures, so I'm including completely unrelated cell phone pictures from this week to make it more interesting. =) (And yes, they are almost all of Coen. I promise I love my other children just as much!)

I start back to school at the beginning of next month and this month I have been helping John with his job hunt here as much as possible, even when the most I could do was be moral support. When John moved here in December, he did it without a job. He had spent a couple of months searching for jobs here from Florida but it didn't go very well, so he ended up deciding to take one of those steps of faith we always talk about and move here before securing a job. He had been at his previous job for over 7 years, so this was pretty huge.

 

See the baby? John was doing laundry and cracked himself up.

It was pretty scary for both of us (And possibly stupid, which is why I didn't post about it before). We saved up enough money to get through January job searching and did a whole lot of praying, and John did a whole, whole lot of job searching. The first couple of weeks were tough. I had a hard time figuring out how to be supportive without being overbearing, and sometimes that meant we went along to pick up applications or hung out in the car while he went to interviews, just so that I could be there to be a sounding board when he got done or even just be there for moral support.

 

 Harris and Coen at Harris' 2nd B-day Party! Harris LOVES babies!

The month was about half over when we started to get a little (a lot) stressed out, but I still felt a real peace about it all. Then one day he got a call for a job that he had had applied to quite some time before that we'd never heard back about. It was basically his dream job, and it's only ten or fifteen minutes from our place. We were both really cautiously optimistic, and he started on a series of interviews with some different people in the company. 

 

Coco and Jo!

After his final interview on Friday the phone rang and he answered and was quiet for a very, very long time. I was sure it was bad news, and I my head started spinning with different ways to make him feel better. But finally, he smiled, got off the phone, and told me he was offered the job!

 

Date Night! Pretty Exciting. 

I'm just so proud of him! This is the kind of job he's been dreaming of for a really long time and I think getting it really made him feel validated. I know he's happy to be here with us, but I also know how important it is for men in general to not only feel like they're providing for their family but also feel good about what they do, and I know that at this job he will be able to do both!

So proud of him.

And that's been our week. 

I swear I'm going to get better about posting. Stop laughing. I'm serious.

Reflection

In the past, John and I only pursued counseling when things in our marriage were in crisis.

It did not go well.

(That is an understatement)

There seems to be anecdotal evidence that supports the theory that marriage counseling is worthless, and I think that might be because generally, couples wait to go until things are so far gone that it's almost impossible to recover.

In any case, when John and I began to reconcile we both agreed that counseling was a non-negotiable. In November, we had our first first session. We were both incredibly nervous and as we drove up the lane to the building I kept saying "We're on the same team. The same team."

Because the last time we'd seen a counselor we had barely been on the same planet, much less the same team. And lots of times the last way something was is the way you expect it to be, even when all the circumstances have changed.

But it was nothing like we expected it to be. It was so much better.

Better, but still not what I expected, necessarily. Yesterday I found myself asking our counselor if we were doing something wrong because this transition has been so much easier than either of us expected it to be.

He laughed.

Probably the most useful thing we've gotten out of counseling so far is some very in depth personality profiles. John and I each took a pretty extensive test and I don't think either of us thought much of it; it was just something we had to do for our counselor. And when we saw the sheets with the DISC diagrams and all the lines and squares and skewed boxes, I totally lost track of what everything meant until we started going over the results.

The counselor, who has not known either one of us long enough to know if our profile was correct or not, began expounding on what our results said about us, and within about ten seconds John and I found ourselves staring at each other in awe.

"Is this magic? This seems like magic!" I whispered frantically.

It was very accurate for each of us, to say the least.

Later on at home, John and I were hanging out on the couch and reading the sheaf of papers that explained the diagrams in detail and throughout the first half we both kept exclaiming excitedly about what the paper said about us. "Hey, this says I'm a self starter!" "Hey! This says I'm well liked!" We were both feeling pretty good about our personality profiles. I jumped up to check on one of the kids after bedtime and when I came back, John was frowning. "I don't think I like mine anymore." He said. He had reached the second half of the report, which detailed the not so great aspects of our personalities. I shook my head. "You have to own it, though. Good and bad, right?" I responded.

Of course, that's before I read my second half. We were both a little bummed reading the negative sides of our personalities. But in the past day it has started so many conversations between us...it has added a new level of clarity to past disagreements, to the way we currently interact, and I really think that having a better understanding of ourselves and of each other is going to be invaluable in the future.

So counseling when not in crisis? I'm a fan. But counseling alone isn't a miracle cure, and the real work doesn't happen in someone's office. It's at home, in the midst of a life with kids and chaos and craziness. In fact, counseling is sometimes a nice break from that craziness.

Coen is six months old!

Coen is six months old! He's actually closer to six and a half months now, but he was still recovering from his bout with RSV/Pneumonia/Bronchiolitis, so I didn't want to bug him taking pictures. He's finally feeling good again and so I can put his official six month post up! 

 

This guy, along with his brothers and sisters, have been getting lots of extra hugs today. Tripp Roth's passing has really affected both John and I. I don't know his mom Courtney personally, but I am in awe of how what an amazing mother she has been to Tripp. My heart aches for what she is going through right now. It has been such a timely reminder for me to slow down and enjoy every second with my kids. I know what it's like to hold your baby and wish for them to take that breath that never comes, and, God willing, I never want to go through it again. But what I do want to do it make sure that I take advantage of every moment I have with these kids I am so privileged to raise.

  Coen is pretty great. He's developing an entertaining sense of humor and cracks up laughing when he sees something that he thinks is funny. He's starting to get more interested in toys and has found his feet, which he thinks are very cool. He's rolling both ways and creeping about a little bit, but not crawling or sitting on his own just yet. I'm not positive of his weight, but when he was in the hospital he weighed in at almost seventeen pounds. One of Coen's favorite things to do is listen to John play the guitar. He's a little more attached than Evany was, more like Seth at his age, and it's been a little challenging because Seth is still quite attached himself. So it has been really nice to have John around to help out. Coen has started to spend a few minutes in his jumper or hanging out on a blanket, but he never lasts long until he just wants to be held again. Thank goodness for baby carriers! And thank goodness for sweet, adorable baby boys to put in them

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Where We're At.

Things in our neck of the world have been pretty crazy. We have been in a state of adjustment here and it has been, in a word,  amazing. I struggle, sometimes, with what to say and how to say it on this blog and in this process because I'm torn. I want to share because we have so many people who have been praying for us. But how to share? If I talk about everything too positively, it feels like I'm sugar coating things and I may inadvertently give the impression that this is a walk in the park. If I focus on the hard parts, then I'm being negative.

I know that there are women out there who read my blog who have gone through or are going through a divorce and I want to be sensitive to that. I know when John and I were apart I would read stories of husbands or wives coming home and wonder what I did wrong that kept John from coming back. I don't ever want anyone to read this and think that there is anything better about me or my life than them or theirs. It's just not true. Conversely, I don't want anyone to get the impression that this is too hard to be worth it, or that reconciliation isn't a viable option. It's tough to find that balance since in the end, blog posts are simply a glimpse of a slice of life.

All that being said, things are pretty great here. The transition has gone so much more smoothly than I thought it would, and I know that is totally a God thing. We have been under plenty of stress in the past month but have handled it better than I could have imagined. We are seeing a great counselor who has been really helpful and just started going to a marriage seminar at church. John got thrown into the deep end with the kids when I was in the hospital with Coen and he did great. It's been amazing having help cooking and cleaning and kid wrangling.

I did not expect things to go this well. I thought it would be harder. Probably, at some point, it will be harder. Such is life. But I did shock myself one afternoon when I came home from an afternoon lending an ear to a new friend who was going through some tough things. I walked through the door, just gutted and sad from hearing about the situation she was in, and I walked up and I hugged John for a really long time and then I pulled back and looked at him and I said "Thank you for not coming home until you were ready."

Then we both laughed because it sounded so ridiculous.  I think he thought maybe I was drunk.

But I meant it. 

John had to hit rock bottom on his own terms, with me completely out of the equation, and decide what he wanted from his life on his own before rebuilding our life together would ever have worked. He had to want to be with us so badly that he had to work for it, not fall back into our lives because it was easy. We had to be what he longed for and missed, not his fallback plan.

And thank God, that happened. I never knew it would when I packed up the kids and moved to Indiana, but it was the absolute best thing we had every done. John has shared a lot with me about things that happened or things he went through after we left Florida that show that us leaving was a bigger wake up call than I could even have imagined. And my living in Indiana when John began to do the work in Florida to rebuild our relationship was a blessing in disguise. I can't tell you how many times I cursed being across the country from him those four months we were discussing reconciliation. I thought it would never work being so far away from one another.

But being so far away from each other for those months was the best thing that could have happened. We had lots of time to talk with no other expectations. We discussed what life would look like at length. We had about every conversation you could have on every topic we could think could ever be an issue. And interspersed throughout, we had visits. Three in all, two in Indiana and one in Florida, and we slowly stepped back into our life. Additionally, we didn't tell the kids anything at all until we were positive we were completely and utterly committed to making it work. No trying to make it work. No giving it a shot. Committed. Period.

And it's because of those four months and all the prep work we did that this transition has gone so well.

Well, that and God.

Well, that and God and the fact that we love each other quite a lot and we're both willing to do that work.

The first night of this seminar we are attending at church was awkward. We sat at our table with all the couples and the facilitator instructed us to introduce ourselves, tell how long we'd been married, and what we most love about our partner.

I won't lie. I balked. Did we really have to tell everyone, air our dirty laundry? Wouldn't it be easier to just gloss over everything?

But when has glossing over anything helped at all? And we weren't at a dinner party; we were at a marriage seminar, after all.

So I took a deep breath, and I looked at everyone, and I told them. "I'm Ellyn. This is John. We were married for six years, and then we got divorced. Now that's a funny story, believe me! And now we're back together."

And that's the beginning, not the end. If this were a movie, we'd be riding off into the sunset right now. Instead we're just starting out. Not from scratch, but starting out all the same. And instead of the fancy moving ending we'll have a full life. Screaming kids, disagreements, money problems. Cookouts with friends, yelling too loud at the kids' basketball games, date nights here and there. Someone to come home to.

No, not just someone. My someone.

Sounds pretty amazing to me.

Coen's very own One Man Cover Band!

This has become a nightly routine in our house the past couple of weeks. Coen is a big fan, and so am I!

Not a Know It All

When I was pregnant with Ava I was excited to have a baby. This baby was totally abstract, of course, since I had no experience with kids. I would do all the things you did with babies. I would rock her, and dress her up in immaculate outfits, and take pictures of her eating her first bowl of rice cereal. I would know just how to parent, just like I knew just how to be a good wife (Hah!).

Every knows everything about something before they know anything about it, it seems to me. Myself included. Before I was a parent I knew everything about how to be the perfect one.

 
 
Which is totally laughable now! After Ava and Jace and Eli were born I was pregnant with Seth and I thought "This time, this time it will be easy." I figured we'd been there, done that, made mistakes, and that now I would have figured out how to do it all really well. And then Seth was born, and almost every bit of parenting knowledge I had when out the window, because he required a completely different skill set than the first two. From almost his first breath, he required a wholly different parenting style than I had ever used. I often say that Seth is my attachment parenting baby, and it wasn't by choice. Whatever the reason, Seth needed more from me than either Ava or Jace ever had. On the first day of preschool for both of them they ran into the classroom without a backward look. With Seth, there are times when I still have to convince him he'll have a nice time and no one will torture him.

Then Evany came along, and she was and is more independent than any one of them. And my parenting style shifted all over again. While each of my children have similarities, there are more differences between them than you can shake a stick at. While I know many people ascribe to one parenting philosophy for all of their kids, one type of discipline, one plan, I don't know if it's that simple. These kids are people, after all. And people are different from each other.

A friend of mine from high school commented on my facebook one day and said that he though, given that I had a bunch of little kids, I should teach parenting classes. "What's your parenting philosophy?" He asked me.

I laughed and responded. "My parenting philosophy? Don't let them die."

The fact of the matter is not one of us is going to be that perfect parent. No matter which philosophy of parenting we choose to follow, parents are going mess up. We fail our kids. In big and little ways. Whether we miss the big game or say "hang on, in a minute" one to many times because we're busy with something else, they are going to be disappointed in us someday. It's hard to be selfless enough, to give everything to your kids, and it just doesn't occur to children to expect anything less. Selfishness creeps in because that's what selfishness does.

So I know I will never be the perfect parent. My temper is too quick, my attention span too short. I hate crafts. Sometimes I forget to record the important moments. Sometimes I lose their teeth before the tooth fairy can collect them. But I can do my best to keep them safe, and healthy, and alive. I have high expectations for them, because I believe firmly that people often live up to your expectations, whether  they high or low.  And then, I can do one better and try to make sure that I consciously engage them more than I inadvertently disappoint them and teach them along the way. About God. About life and people and grammar and history and maybe even some math.  Parenting is hard. It doesn't get easier. There seems to be an inverse correlation between less diapers to change and more attitude. It is, and always will be, both the best and hardest thing I have ever done.


And it is, I'm completely sure, something I will never, ever, know everything about.  I'm also just as completely sure that it is the thing I will most enjoy learning for the rest of my days. I'm so blessed to be these kids mother...I really hope that one day, they same thing about me being their mom! (And if not, I hope they at least say that I was entertaining!)