Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Philippians 4:13

Philippians 4:13 has been in my head a lot lately. It's a verse I've known as long as I can remember, but the other day I was feeling intensely sorry for myself, and out of nowhere, it just popped into my head.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

It's become a little bit of a mantra for me in the last few days, as I have come to realize that all of this is completely, utterly beyond my understanding. I don't understand why John feels such terrible things towards me, or worse yet, apathy towards me. I don't understand how someone can be over their marriage in a month. I don't understand how I am supposed to deal with the fact that my almost five year old talks about how daddy moved out in the most matter of fact way imaginable, then asks if I think she'll ever get a daddy that will live at home so I don't have to do all the work myself. I don't understand why God feels like this is a test I can pass. I don't understand why everyone thinks I have such a strong faith, because a lot of the time, I don't.

I don't understand.

Lately, I have been more likely to fall asleep watching Degrassi than praying. Lately, chances are I will let the clutter in the house accumulate, rather than clean it up, because I would rather sit and do nothing. Recently, I have been known to get frustrated with the kids much more quickly than I normally would. I have had to re-evaluate, to rethink my entire life.

You see, I am just realizing that this a marathon, not a sprint. When John left, I thought "This will be short. Anyone can do anything for a short time, even if it's hard. This will be over before I know it." Because I was so convinced it was going to end up ok, that he would come back, it was easy to function, to clean and play and cook, easy to pray without ceasing, mostly for John. I was burning the candle from both ends, convinced I could make our home and myself so welcoming that he would snap right out of it.

Then a month went by. I got tired. I am exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I could sleep about 20 hours a day. What's the point in keeping a nice home when I'm going to lose it? What's the point in looking put together myself when no one is looking at me? It's a good day when feed the kids three meals, when I get Seth to all his appointments, when I don't cry when the kids can see or hear me.

It was not a fun life to live. Then it hit me. I don't, can't, won't understand this on this side of Heaven. Why God has seen fit to allow everything that has happened into the past few years of my life I won't know until I can ask him. But when I was at my lowest, wondering what the point of dragging three kids into church just to see all the families and couples there and end up feeling even worse than I started out feeling...it hit me.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I don't know how, I don't know why, I don't know when my life is going to change, I don't even know how we're going to get by the next few months, but I do know that. He doesn't give us more than we can handle. Even when every instinct in me is crying out that this time, He did exactly that, that this is going to break me, my heart knows better. My heart knows that God knows me, and knows what I take, and more than that...He knows what the end result is going to be.

I had and have a responsibility to my husband, to respect him. I didn't do a good job of showing or communicating that to him. There are many reasons I could state for why I thought I was doing the right thing, but they'd be excuses, and they don't matter. . I was blind to many of his needs. But John also had a responsibility to me; to love me as God loves the church, to love me as he loves himself. I think it's clear that if he were doing that, he would have been unable to do the things he did.

I can't change what has happened or control John's choices. It is truly now between him and God, and while I would love for John to realize what he is throwing away before it is too late, it is now clear to me that it may not happen that way. It has become all too obvious that I am not going to wake up and find that it was all a bad dream.

So I've been slacking and being lazy and opening myself up to spiritual attack, but I don't want to do that anymore. This sucks. It sucks! Let me just say it again for the record...THIS SUCKS, in many different and excruciating ways. I hate being alone. I miss my husband. I hate seeing my kids go through this. But I am done feeling sorry for myself (For now at least...I can't promise that I won't have setbacks, and if I do, you'll probably see evidence of them here). God knows me, God loves me, and what else do I really need? He will provide, even when I am not quite sure what provision we need.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...even things that suck. Thanks for being there for me through it all.
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