Blah. Ergh. Ugh.

I'm writing this post from the hospital.

Ugh.

I thought I was prepared for this, but apparently I was very, very wrong.

The upside is that I am hopefully just here for 24 hours. Of course, I am scared they will never let me out.

I had another OB appointment this morning and I had another non stress test and my doctor repeated the fetal fibronectin test. For the first time in five pregnancies with pre-term labor, it was positive. Ugh! He consulted with my Perinatologist and I got the call to head straight to the hospital. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. I'm stuck here while I get the betamethasone shots to mature the baby's lungs, and they administer them 24 hours apart. So I had to scramble to get childcare...my mom had to call into work, which I feel terrible about, and I had to throw some things in a bag and head out. Ava was not thrilled, and frankly, neither was I.

This is the part that sucks the most...feeling like I have to choose between my kids. I know that's silly, that I'm not actually choosing, and that she's just fine and so is Jace and so is Seth, but I HATE being away from them. A lot. I was really looking forward to a relaxing night at home.

I know. I'm whining. I'm thankful that the baby is getting the steroid shots, but this is so similar to everything that happened with Eli that it freaks me out. He's the only other baby I got the steroids with, the only other baby I was hospitalized before birth for. I just want her to be okay. And I want to be at home with my other kids. And I want to not be worrying about this stuff. Just talking with my doctor today about what her challenges are likely to be and how long we can expect her to be in the NICU after she's born (yes, at this point, they're just planning on her spending time there), and knowing what a challenging road it has been with Seth is really overwhelming. Sometimes I am just so mad that this is all happening....John, all these early, sick babies, then being separated from the ones at home. Being alone at the hospital when every other time I've been hospitalized John stayed every night with me. Sometimes it just sucks.

As of right now, everything is okay. I got my first shot at 7:30 and I'm having about the same amount of contractions/irritability as I was this morning. Let's just pray that all that stays the same so I can go home after my second shot tomorrow night!

On the upside, this hospital makes the best grilled cheese around. Score!