Friday, October 31, 2008

Aspiring to be better

First of all...congratulations, MckMama! Her gorgeous baby boy Stellan was born two days ago, the same little boy whose family was told they would never get to take him home.

And he was born healthy! Perfect and whole and healthy!

God is amazing. He healed that little boy, he wrapped him up in his arms and protected him through a bevy of medical issues that should have killed him.

If anyone needed proof that miracles are still happening today, there it is, right in front of you!

I have been overwhelmed with emotion for baby Stellan and his Mama, and their entire family. I am so happy for them I cannot stand it.

And yet...

I am selfish to even mention it.

But I want to be transparent. I want to be someone who is working to be better, to be more whole. But I am weak.

I wish a miracle had happened to me.

I can remember the hours I spent after I was told Eli had died, the hours I spend crying out to God, begging him to make the doctors wrong, to fix it, to heal my son. I was begging at his feet, I was weeping and bargaining and doing everything I could to save my son, who hours before had been healthy and kicking.

My son, who was not saved. Not who could not be saved, because God is so big I know he could have done it, but who was not saved for some reason I don't understand.

I feel selfish even saying it. We are blessed. We have beautiful children, Eli included. Seth is everything we could have hoped and prayed for. But I miss the son I never got to know, and I wish we could have had our miracle on that terrible day. When he was born and I was holding him, warm and real in my arms, I kept waiting for him to take a breath, even as I knew he would not.

I feel selfish that in my happiness for others as I rejoice in the Lord for the amazing things happening to them, there is a small, bitter voice in my head whispering "But why not me? What did I do wrong?" I am a logical person, and I know that sometimes, bad things just happen. But I am also an emotional person, who just cannot understand. I know I will never understand until I am in heaven. I get that.

I know that I am the only one suffering, that Eli is rejoicing in heaven at the feet of the Lord, and that he is in no pain, has no suffering, and that it is just me that feels this. That makes me feel better. But it does not make me stop wanting my son, even though he is happy in heaven. I am that selfish, that if I could, I would call him away from God to live in this fallen world with me! It is a deplorable weakness. selfish and terrible as I may be, wishing I had my miracle does not change the joyfulness I feel over MckMama and her miracle. Stellan is here to do great things! I cannot wait to see them! The joy I feel at his birth and his life is overwhelming.


Hall Family in MD said...

I love your honesty and to be honest I was thinking the same thing for you and Angie Smith and other mothers like you. ((Hugs)) I have never known the loss of losing a child at birth or shortly after and can not imagine what you have been through, but my heart aches with you even as it rejoices with McKMama and Stellan.

Jessi Dawn said...

Thank you for being transparent. Your story touches my heart and brings tears to my eyes even though I have never walked in your shoes. Your honesty will help many other moms heal from their own loss. I have already forwarded your link to a dear friend of mine who lost a baby to Trisomy 18 this past April.

Please, keep up the transparent writing.


E @ Scottsville said...

El, I missed the blog when it was written, but found it today. You are/were feeling what ANY mother would feel. And even though Eli is not mine, I too wonder the same thing. Why 'some' get a miracle and others don't?

I loved that you were honest about how you were feeling and not ashamed to say it.

My heart goes out to you, and I know it'll all make sense in heaven. Til then.... Keep on smiling for your other kiddos. Treasure their every moment. It all goes by SOOOO quickly!

Unknown said...

I needed to read this today. I've been feeling the same way the past few months.

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