Monday, December 22, 2008

He would be 20 months and 24 days old right now.

Last night, we watched my best friend's baby so that they could go to a Christmas Party. Fisher is adorable. Sweet, loving, and just the greatest little boy. He's 16 months old...just four months younger than Eli would have been had he lived. Mara and I were pregnant together. We have been through so much together...babies, miscarriages, death. I love Fisher like he was my own son, and I love getting to keep him every once in a while.

But it's hard, too. When he is there, the four of them seem so complete. Seth, Fish, Jace, and Ava...not that I mistake Fisher for Eli, but it is a reminder of what life would be like if our little boy were here. Last night we were all laying on the couch together, the three boys curled up at one end and Ava and I lounging at the other, and it hit me so hard...how perfect it was. Even an hour later, when I was rushing from room to room, three kids screaming, breaking up a fight between Jace and Ava, going in to settle Fisher, then running to Seth's room to rock him, I still wanted, painfully, for that to be my life and not just one night, no matter how loud and hectic.

His mom came and picked him up last night and took him home, and this morning I walked into the room his pack n play was set up in, to see two small socks he had left behind. Even though I know he is just next door, with a new pair of socks on, I felt somehow as if I'd lost my toddler all over again, lost that little boy that was supposed to be Fish's very best friend forever in a whole new way.

Sometimes when it hits the hardest it's not because of anything special, not because of a birthday, or a holiday. Sometimes it's just life, going on, and then, suddenly, stopping all over again, ripping a new hole in what used to be a normal life.

5 comments:

E said...

Oh, I can so imagine what you must have felt last night. Yet, because I've never lost a child (PRAISE GOD) I know that my imagination is just a small figment of what you actually feel. Just know that all these mama's out here do sympathize and feel that hurt with you as much as we can without having gone through it for ourselves.

Your kiddos are so lucky to have you.

Mandy & Jeremy Hall said...

Ellen,

I'm being hit hard too. Must be because March is creeping up on us.....? It's all so unfair....

Mandy

Anna said...

I'm sorry you are hurting...I can't even imagine how much you must miss him...i just want to know you and your family are in my prayers and that i think of you often and check in on you through your blog here and there.

Christina said...

Hello-I often listen to our local Christian radio station on the way to and home from work. Its my alone time that I use to praise God-kind of like a devotion time. Anyway I heard a song by Natalie Grant called I will not be moved. It is a rockin song and I think the words would really minister to your heart right now! Some of it says-I will make mistakes, I will face heartbreak, but I will not be moved. In Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking stand-I will not be moved. If you get a chance, try to find it online.I think it would touch your heart and help you know that with God you are solid and cannot be moved no matter what circumstances come your way!

Shanda said...

Thank you for being real and not just bottling your feelings and trying to look "ok" all of the time! It is ok to grieve your loss...Ok to miss your precious baby. HUGS & Prayers!

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