Thursday, January 29, 2009

Kids for Sale

So yesterday. I was in the throes of screaming baby fit #42. The older kids were running around me in circles as if I were a pole in a pole bending competition. They were loud. They were dirty from playing outside,and they had watched every movie we own. Twice.

Every. Single. Time. I got Seth to calm down enough to sleep, they would whip by him so fast that the air would visibly shimmer around him, and he would startle and start screaming his head off again. I was ready to die.

My mom was there, helping, but she was trying to get something done, and I was trying to stay alive. So I decided to send them to their room for rest time. That basically means they can do whatever they want as long as I don't hear them and they stay in their room. Note those last few words...they stay IN THEIR ROOM.

Finally, I got Seth settled with a strange combination of cadenced Bum Patting, Pacifier Wiggling, and Extreme Swaddling. I sighed in relief, and tried to find a way to move away from Seth without waking him.

In the meantime, I heard it. The voice my mom never, ever uses on my kids because she's their favorite and they're always good for her.

"You guys are in SO MUCH TROUBLE! There is no way you're avoiding a spanking for this one!"

I did a double take. If my MOM is talking about spankings, they must have killed something. Or someone. She is the most anti spanking person I have ever met in my life, ever. She never even spanked me, and I was a bad kid. Well, she spanked me once, but it's because I begged her and told her all the other kids were getting them.

I was kind of afraid to get up. But how bad could it be? They probably just pulled the curtains off the wall again, like they do every week when they're standing on the windowsill naked (facing the road! We really have to work on the whole moral innocence thing).

I made it off the bed, and headed towards the kids room which is at the opposite side of the house from my room. The furthest reaches, if you will, of our 1500 square foot house. It's so far away, that many times I can't really hear what's going on in there.

When I stepped through the gate in the doorway of the room, my first thought was that someone had pee'd (peed? I don't know. We say teetee). on the floor. The carpet was...squelchy...underfoot. I yelled and tried to hop off the wet spot...

Onto a veritable puddle of standing water on their plush carpet.

My mom had the shop vac out and literally after two swipes, she had to go empty the bin. They had flooded about 1/3 of the room.

As they watched me take stock of everything, they stood frozen on their beds, waiting for me to go insane. Ava was absentmindedly reeling off possible punishments. "No trampoline, no toys, or no loveys. No food. No food for two weeks. No kisses from Daddy."

Jace was standing with one hand on his hip, being pre-emptively defiant.

Truthfully, I didn't even know what to do. What kids flood their own bedroom? Seriously. I sat down next to Ava and asked her what they had been doing. She told me that her stuffed animals needed a bath, so they gave them one. Apparently they used the cups we use to rinse their hair in the bathtub and made about 50 trips from their bathroom to get their stuffed animals sufficiently clean.

What the crap is that?!?!?! Seriously.

So, they went to bed at 4. I thought it would be the worst punishment ever. Of course it wasn't, and they just took a nap. I wish someone would send me to bed at four. Maybe I should flood my room.

Nah. Then I'd just have to clean it up.


Melissa said...

Oh boy, this post had me chuckling! Of course, if it were my kids bathing their stuffed animals and flooding their room, it probably wouldn't be as funny. :) Thanks for the laugh. Your kids are darling! Many prayers for seth as he continues to recover!

Melissa :)

Liz {Learning To Juggle} said...

Oh my word...I must admit I giggled...a lot...just think, some day when they have kids of their own, you can tell them this story...and plant a seed...and wait for it to be their turn :)

Mandy & Jeremy Hall said...

I can't stop laughing!!! Oh I can't wait to blog about the insane things my kids do! :) The joys of being a mother!!! Hope you got your mess cleaned up!

Rose said...


The things we tolerate as parents.

So sorry!

So did they get as pankin?

E @ Scottsville said...

Oh wow! A mommy's work is NEVER done! =0)

So after their "nap", did they get back up and keep you up all night?

I can only imagine....

Jessica said...

Hi--I just started reading your blog and really enjoy it. This story was hilarious! And I am praying for your Seth;-)

Sew a Fine Seam said...

LOL! I know if it were my kids this would NOT be funny but the way your wrote it I was cracking up!How do they think of these things but fail to have the brain power to think BEYOND their ideas? My girls have flooded the bathroom but haven't thought of putting that much water in any other room yet. Good luck getting their room dry.

Mommy3 said...

I admitt I, too, giggled. But I know if it were my kids I would have been mad. LOL. Especially on the kind of day you were having with Seth having a rough time and all. They are too cute though! Can't stay mad for long, huh mama?!

Kameron said...

I would have died. Mostly because I have hard wood floors and they would have probably been ruined if that happened!! Poor mommy!!

Mandy Hornbuckle said...

Oh my goodness. This was hilarious. Of course, I have 0 kids. But this is good birth control! Sorry about the madness!

Elyse said...

OMGoodness!!! WoW...where do they come up with this stuff? Seriously!

Pam said...

OMGosh, I think I either would've died or I would've killed them on the spot.

Yeah, where do they come up with this stuff?!

M J said...

rofl! I just found your blog from a friends, and I have to tell you... You are not alone! My kids flooded their bedroom because we were going to the water park the next day, and they wanted to be there already!

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