Sunday, March 22, 2009

Weekend Update

Doesn't it look like Jace is parting the Red Sea in this picture? This is a random stick he found on the beach that he fell in love with. When he dropped it in the water and it got swept away, he was inconsolable for almost 15 minutes.

I am so behind in life right now! We still have family in town, so we've been doing all kinds of touristy things we normally forget to do, and it hasn't left much time for anything else. I just started packing for our NYC trip tonight and am, as usual, overpacking. I have about a bajillion emails that are starred in my inbox, so if I haven't written you back, don't take it personally...I am working through them, slowly but surely!
Emotionally, I am in the strangest place right now...I am in shock over how quickly Seth's approval came in, and how fast his surgery is coming up (no date yet, but I will let you all know as soon as I do!). I am really nervous about the surgery and all the things that come along with it, but I know that I will be so happy when it's over.
On top of that, with everything that's been going on, it's been difficult to focus on Eli as much I really like to do this time of year. When I think that in 6 short days he would have been turning two, it just blows me away. It's only been two years. It's already been two years. You know how you can throw a rock in the water and watch the ripples go out, wider and wider, affecting more and more of the water? Eli's life and death is still rippling out, affecting things I never thought would be affected. Mostly in good ways, but sometimes in ways that I never expected. Sometimes, no matter how blessed we are by God in our lives, it is really hard to be happy when all I have to do is let down my guard for a second and it all comes rushing back...his last kick, the ultrasound where he was beyond still, the moment the realization that I was going to have to deliver my dead son hit me, his beautiful black curls, all the guilt I felt and feel...what did we do wrong to be punished like this?
Yes, I do know we're not being punished. But sometimes it feels that way anyway. I love how Eli and Seth tough lives, but even more than that I would love for them to be normal boys, alive and hearing, driving me crazy every day. I miss him, and I miss the chance Seth never got to be typical, without therapy and specialists every day of the week.
So I realized I never posted an updated picture of my tattoo after it healed! I love it so's a great conversation starter with people and it really opens up a great dialogue with people about our story and how God has worked in our lives.
Seth is becoming a huge night owl...time to coerce him into going to bed!


Joy said...

Big hugs to you!

I LOVE the tattoo!

Shanda said...

It is so sunny & beautiful there!

I'm glad that you have much to keep you busy right now - I'm sure that is helping to add to your "ups" emotionally. Have a wonderful time in NYC! We took the train in a couple of yrs ago and had a wonderful time. Ava would LOVE the American Girl Place if you get a chance to go & all of the kids loved the M & M store.

Anonymous said...

OH I LOVE the tattoo!! I have the fish on my suburban for our family but never thought to do them in a tattoo. Not that I ever would--can you say WIMP? :)

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