Boys, Boys, Boys

You will all be happy to know that I am writing this post from a sufficiently air conditioned home. A much nicer A/C guy showed up this morning and snappily fixed the problem, and it has been smooth sailing ever since. Ahh, cool air! A quiet house! 


This morning all three kids and I headed out to a birthday party in the park for a friend of mine's son, Daniel. Another friend of ours was there with her son, Noah. Lots of others were there too, but the boys' stood out to me because their mom's and I were all due just a few days apart when I was pregnant with Eli. I am still convinced that Daniel was so overdue because my friend was bound and determined to make it to Eli's memorial, which we held on May 5th of 2007. I don't know what she did to keep that baby in, but it sure was effective! 


Anyway, I felt good going to the party, was happy to see everyone, but I was definitely drawn to watching Daniel and Noah. These were supposed to be Eli's contemporaries...his allies, cronies, what have you. I went through my entire pregnancy with Eli spending each and every Thursday night with those boys' moms, talking pregnancy nonstop like a crazy person. 


When I saw Noah today, I was struck by how much his hair had darkened since the last time I saw him. Daniel surprised me when he pointed across the playground at Jace and clearly yelled "Jacie!" (Our nickname  for Jace). I forgot kids get older, learn new things! I mean, I know it...but I forgot. I forgot that Eli could be calling Jace's name in glee. I forgot that he would be slimming down, losing babyfat, growing legs. My baby would be turning into a little boy. 


In any case, it was an interesting day. I was able to hold conversations and laugh, ask questions and respond appropriately, even as the internal monologue of what might have been was coursing through my veins, as ever fiber of my being, every drop of blood in my veins, cried out for my son. So it's getting better, in a sense. I am able to carry on, and keep it to myself when I want to, when it would be embarrassing to let it affect me too much. I am able to be happy for other 2 year old little boys without being (too) jealous of their mothers. But it doesn't change how much I miss him. 


After the party, my Mom offered to take Ava for the night so they could spend some time together, and so it's been just the boys and me. We've had a great afternoon...we sat on the floor, all three of us together, and played peekaboo for approximately 3 hours. Seth and Jace were literally collapsing as they belly laughed their hearts out, and I realized for the first time that they have the exact same laugh. Seth just loves his big brother, and Jace was getting so into entertaining Seth that he got so excited he could no longer contain himself and belted out this amazing loud sound that was part peal of laughter and part maniacal scream. He was about 3 inches away from Seth, and Seth froze and stared at Jace. Then he turned to look at me with his eyebrows raised very high and reached up very deliberately and pulled his headpieces off. Apparently, Jace is too loud even for Seth!


Now, the boys are tucked into bed. After I put Seth down, Jace requested a spot next to me in the overstuffed chair that I've staked my claim on. He sat quietly next to me as I worked on some pictures and emails, and then he patted my knee softly and said "Mama? I really like you. In fact, I love you a whole lot." 


It's funny...I never thought I would have boys. The vast majority of our family is comprised of girls, who grow up, marry, and have more girls. It surprises me daily that I have been blessed with one gorgeous girl and three beautiful boys. I never thought I would be dealing with the snakes and snails and puppy dog tails of the boy world, the boundless energy, sensitive nature, and ego that seem to be battling at all times in a growing boy. 


It's been a good day. I miss all three of my baby boys, and can't wait until tomorrow morning when I can love on two of them.