On being Bella-fied

My best friend and I are a little strange. When we read, we tend to get so into books that we think we may be living in them. For example, after reading Twilight, her husband came home one night, cold from standing outside, and she thought for a fleeting moment that he might actually be a vampire.

Then she told me about it.

Like I said, we're a little strange. Tonight, I've been sitting here, trying to put my finger on how best to put how miserable I am into words, and suddenly, it hit me. I am Bella in New Moon.

It all clicked into place. Finally, I had a notch to compare myself to. I am that miserable.

Have you read New Moon? I don't want to give away any spoilers, but basically, this girls (vampire) boyfriend breaks up with her and leaves, ostensibly for her own good (you know, because he's a vampire and all). She goes into one of the craziest, zombiest depressions ever and just goes through the motions of life, trying her best to feel nothing. She stops watching movies in which there is any mention of love. She starts listening to rap music because it doesn't remind her of him. She never, ever talks about it or says his name. She walks around with her arms literally wrapped around her middle because the pain is so intense that she feels like she'll fall apart if she lets go.

Overly dramatic? Check! Teenage angst? Check! I should be able to deal with my emotions in a more mature fashion, right?

Not really. I mean, did you read about the head butt? I am obviously not that evolved. Am I going to feel like this forever, slightlyin shock that this has become my life, slightly mystified at how it happened without my knowldege and consent? Are the months going to fly by, blank pages where I fail to surface and live life at all?

I mean, I'm obviously alive. I feed my kids breakfast, lunch, and dinner, we have dance parties, I clean, they make a mess, I clean again. I love putting them into bed at 7 and being off the clock, not having to worry about not crying in front of them or seeming sad. But I'm not living. I'm mourning.

Come to church? Nah, no thanks. Can't handle people feeling sorry for me. Come to the movies with friends? No way, they're all couples! Go ice skating? No, what will everyone be thinking of me? Will they be wondering what I did so wrong? I can't go back to our normal lives, because if I do, I'll be admitting that this is my new normal.

On a scale of bad, today has been horrific. I can't help it, I miss my husband. I am also incredibly empty physically. I am literally craving touch from someone over the age of 4. I am tired and want someone to take care of me.

But let's be honest...I don't want a friend, or my mom, or any of the people willing to take care of me. I want him, and he isn't interested.

Then, my glasses broke. I've been wearing them with one earpiece, looking like an idiot. Then, today, they just disappeared. Can't find them anywhere. Can't get new ones without a new prescription. Can't see at all. I have terrible vision. So bad I'm considering using my prescription sunglasses so that I can watch Days of our Lives.

I'm also just sitting here, waiting for my cell phone to get turned off. We don't have the money to pay the bill I referenced in my last post yet, and so John's phone is already off. It's only a matter of time for mine. We don't have a landline, and now I have literally no way to contact John. Don't know where he's staying, can't call him or text him. He gave his friends my number and told them not to answer it, because he said I wasn't acting rationally last week.

How are you supposed to act when your husband leaves you? I don't have the manual for this, but I am fairly confident "rational" isn't on the list.

This would all be simpler if I was a character in a book and I could skip ahead to see the ending.