Monday, July 27, 2009

One step forward, two steps back

Update: If you asked me a question in the comments, I probably answered you! =)

Our houseguests left today, and it was super sad. We've really enjoyed them being here. Now it's back to life at home on our own. We've been so blessed by family and friends, and by the community of families from Ava's school, and I can't even put into words how much that means.

I've had what you might call a little setback here. I was feeling a lot better, more upbeat, ready to tackle this new normal, ready to forge ahead with this new relationship with John as coparents. I was even beginning to think we could be friends, be friendly. I still don't want a divorce, but I thought we could work on our platonic relationship and worry about the rest later. I was apparently jumping the gun, and am paying the consequences to myself for getting my hopes up.

I read every comment and take them very seriously. For those of you who were asking if I had taken the revelations I have had about my part in all of this and how I can see our marriage improving, yes I have. I have asked for forgiveness without qualification for several things, without even addressing his actions.

Belive me, if I thought writing him love letters would fix this, I would do it. But every time I make an effort, it's almost like he pities me for not "getting" that he doesn't want me. Besides, he reads this website and misconstrues almost everything I write, so when I write a post that is actually kind to him, he comes out thinking that I am villifying him. I really can't win.

As for the comments urging me to accept donations...thank you for thinking of us. I am floored that any of you would want to help a stranger in these economic times. But what we need is prayer. I mean, I'll be honest...we are in financial trouble, but I do not think it is in anyone's best interest to give to us when there are so many people worse off. We've already been so blessed, especially by all of you who participated in Seth's fundraiser, buying a bracelet, and helping him receive his cochlear implants. There have been too many scary things happening in the blog world, and I do not want to act in any manner that would cast my family in any light that would seem self serving or dishonorable. So if you'd like to do something for us, your prayers are what I covet.

So now, I am evaluating the situation the kids and I are in, and trying to make choices and decisions that are in our best interests. It's looking like foreclosure of our home is going tobe something we cannot avoid, although I will do and am trying everything in my power to keep my kids in their home. They are unraveling, and the last thing they need is a move on top of everything else. They are struggling so much more than they were just a couple of weeks ago, and I'm not sure what to do. I try to be open with them when they ask questions, and always portray John in the best light possible. The hard thing is that since I am here and he is gone, they both assume that I made him go. It is very hard to listen to them ask me why I would make him do this.

Of course, I would do almost anything to rebuild our relationship, but not just for the kids. While they would benefit greatly from our marriage improving, I truly do love my husband and want to help him. But right now, that's not in my power. So we'll keep trucking along.

But to end on a cute note, Seth is doing the most adorable cell phone routine. He'll grab my phone, hold it to his ear, and say "Hewoo!" then babble incoherently, say "bye bye!" and slam the phone down. Then we do it all over again about 50 times. It's great.

Oh, and one more thing! Whoever left me the awesome gift on my porch of a new hair straightener and candy, I love you! Thank you so much! I have been desperate. I lost my straightener....looks like I left it in California, and it has just been one more thing to make me sad. =) Yes, I'm shallow. So whoever you are, you're the best and so kind. You made my night!

Edited to Add: I totally forgot to mention the new commenting system I switched to. I'm sure you've seen it out there on other blogs, but the reason I made the change is that I noticed there was a lot of dialogue going on in the comments, which was awesome! This way, you can reply right to a comment you want to respond to, or even just "like" it if you totally agree. I also love that now I can reply right to your comments so hopefully I'll miss less of your awesome questions!

I hope you'll give it a try with me. =)
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