This morning, I overslept. I woke up right at the time I was supposed to be leaving for the hospital with Seth. Luckily, John didn't oversleep (usually I am the one waking him up when he oversleeps), and he was already on the way to the house, so I was able to rush Seth out to the car in the pitch dark and head off. Into the sun...rise.
Before I left, I was feeling nervous and a little off. John and I have gone to all of Seth's procedures together, and today we decided he would stay with the older kids while I took Seth. It was just really weird getting ready to go without him, and I was worried about Seth, and I kind of teared up. I knew logically Seth would be fine, but I was nervous and I needed someone to put their arms around me and let me know it was going to be okay. John stayed very carefully on the opposite side of the room, and that's when it hit me.
I only know of one person who has hugged me...really, really hugged me, since John left. I don't mean a polite half hug at church...I'm talking a bear hug. Now you have to understand, I'm not a touchy person, so that's pretty normal. I'm not that into touching other people. But with John, it wasn't that way...whenever he was around, we were touching. He would give me foot rubs at night, or put his arm around me in church. In the car, he would always hold my hand. He never left without kissing me goodbye, and he always hugged and kissed me when he walked in the door.
But since he left, nothing. I have had almost zero physical contact with a himan being for going on 2 months. Today, I felt hyper aware of my skin and every inch of it that was not being covered by a hand, that an arm was not being slung across. I never knew how much I relied on physical touch for comfort. This morning, I was nervous and sad and the reality of this situation of ours was just smacking me in the face, and I needed someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me it was all going to be okay. But he didn't do it, and I couldn't ask. He already thinks the fact that I want to stay married when he doesn't is pathetic and weak on my part.
And even saying...even thinking "I need a hug." Is just so silly and annoying, and, I don't know...twee...and if you know me you know that the words would never come out of my mouth...it's just I never had to ask before.
Sometimes, the part that sucks is not even the part about your spouse walking out and throwing your marriage away. It's how pathetic you feel being the one that's left at home. It's not having anyone know when you need to be held. It's feeling so lonely all the time. It's knowing that there is no one out there thinking of you fondly. It's giving and giving and giving to the kids without much return, which is as it should be...they're kids. But I used to get validation from my husband...in every birthday card or mother's day card telling me how glad he was to see our kids growing up with a parent like me. Now I don't get that encouragement either.
It feels like I came out on the losing side all around. I cannot find a single positive thing to say about this separation. Well, my house is clean. I guess that's a plus.
