So tonight when I was told that there are people out there who read this blog, and, apparently from reading here have formed the opinion that John should kick me out and move back in with the kids and leave me to my own devices, sans kids, I was shocked.
So if you're one of those people, and you're reading, which I'm told you are, speak up. I would love to hear your reasoning behind those words. But I'll tell you one thing. What I have shared here, though personal to me, is mostly about just that...me. Although John is obviously involved, most of what I write here is about my own feelings and emotions. I have never written about any details or personal parts of our story, just my own feelings about what is happening.
So you should understand a few things. I don't know what you've been told, but I know what you've read here, and I just can't believe there is anything on this blog that would lead you to believe I am an unfit parent. So I have to think it is something you have been told. So let me clear the air.
John is not paying our way while we do nothing. He is not supporting us fully, or paying the mortgage. He says he gives us what he can afford to give us, and at this point, I believe that is true. But since he's not paying for our house, I don't quite understand why anyone thinks I should be the one to leave.
John is a good and loving dad, but not a full time dad. He sees the kids a couple of times a week for an hour or so between jobs, and twice a week for a few hours at a time. Truthfully, this was the case before he even left because he worked so much. He usually shows up when he says he will, and he puts them to bed when he's around. But I am and have always been the primary caretaker, while he has been the working parent. I am a good parent. I am the kids only constant right now. I am the only one who doesn't come and go.
I did originally ask John to leave in the heat of the moment, but since then, I have asked him to come home many times. He has made the choice to stay away. I am not keeping him out of our home. In fact I have offered a number of solutions including his quitting one or both of his jobs and us completely starting over. I am not forcing him to work two jobs to support us. In fact, I feel strongly that if we took a period of time to focus on our relationship and family, that God would provide a way for that to happen.
I do not spy on John or send others to spy on John. Anyone who has ever approached him since he left has done so without my knowledge. In fact, I didn't even know anyone had spoken to him until John himself told me that he had been approached. When John chooses to go out to bars and clubs and people in our community see him out with someone, of course they have a reaction. They have known us and our family here for five years. They know us and love us and want the best for us, and they don't understand how this can be the right choice for any of us, including John.
If writing about my life and feelings being a newly single parent against my will and every belief I have seems offensive to you, I don't really know what to say. I am sad. I am devastated. I am still reeling because John never told me anything was wrong. He talked to others about it. He never said a word to me, and then he left. Now I'm told we're getting divorced and there's nothing I can do about it and that's just too bad. It doesn't matter that I don't believe in divorce. It doesn't matter that this is a completely one sided separation. It doesn't matter that I am willing to do just about anything to fix our marriage. My opinion counts for absolutely nothing. Of course I am sad. Of course I write about it. It's my life. But I could say a lot more, so much more, and I don't, out of respect for my husband. He, and apparently some of those of you reading, think that I am villifying him here. Let me assure you. I am not and won't. I hate even writing this here, but since I have never met any of you, this is the only way I can address you.
So if you're one of those people, please speak up. I want to hear why you think so badly of me. If it's because of something you've heard, I urge you to withhold judgement of me. You don't know me. You know stories about me that may or may not be truthful, and you're not even asking me for clarification, you're just judging. Just as the readers here don't know John and have therefore remained for the most part incredibly civil towards him, I would like the same respect from those of you who are supporting him in his decision to end our marriage.
I know that I have taken a lot of responsibility for our issues in what I write here. I stand by that, but I know that nothing I did deserved being cheated on, being left during my pregnancy. I made a lot of mistakes in our marriage. I was struggling and sad. My son died. I was angry and bitter. I lost my way. I don't even know what to say...I never thought John would ever leave, so I took him for granted. Obviously that was naive, but it's also true. I am imperfect. Very much so. But we all are, and it might be a good idea to remember that before you judge someone else. In addition to that, remember that marriage takes two people, and John checked out of ours some time ago. So for every mistake and misstep I took in our relationship, John took one too. Just because I write about my shortcomings here and not his does not mean that he doesn't have any.
If you're just reading here to make fun of me, to report back to John or someone else and talk about how pathetic I am, then have your fun, I guess. But if I am so pathetic, such a joke, I can't quite figure out why you bother reading.
To all the people who read here regularly and are supportive of me, thank you. I am truly sorry that I felt the need to write something so petty on this blog. I want to be the bigger person and just get over this and many other things, but sometimes I just can't. I hope you don't think less of me for that.
