Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Radio Silence

I know. Two days without a post. Can you believe it? It's so unlike me.

Well, I have a good excuse, I promise.

I was in the hospital.

I don't know exactly what it was, but apparently a combination of some things that have been going on tried to send me into pre term labor. I think between being out in the heat on Saturday and probably overdoing it getting ready for Jace's birthday on Sunday set me up for a pretty bad day yesterday. Add to that the fact that John and I have not been seeing eye to eye at all lately, meaning I've been incredibly stressed out about what I'm going to open my phone or email box and see waiting for me, and it was basically a recipe for disaster.

Last week, I decided that after ten weeks of trying to spend time together "as a family" when John was actively acting as though he was single was too much for me. As much I wanted to be the bigger person, it was just hard, and as I'm sure you all know, your husband knows better than anyone else how to push every button you have. Every time I saw John I ended up a mess and it took me days to recover. He would say things like "I don't want to have to say _________" and not realize that he was, in fact, still saying whatever hurtful thing he said, and saying he didn't want to say it didn't change anything.

The fact is, since the day he walked out, he has been in complete control of the situation. Finally I have realized that it's not good for me or the kids, and put some guidelines in place. Basically, the way he is right now is not good for me or the baby, so I've been having someone else meet him for his visits with the kids so I don't have to see him. I also have limited his visits to specific set days, so that the kids can count on when they'll get to see him and hopefully be able to find some normalcy in this situation. It was very confusing for all of us when he was popping in and out all the time.

My efforts to make this easier on me and the kids and actually take some control of my life back were met with resistance, to put it nicely. The past week has been miserable, and not a day has gone by without some kind of negative contact from him. Who knew I could tell him that I didn't want to talk to or see him anymore and he would insist on insinuating himself into my life? I thought he would be relieved that I wouldn't be around for his visits with the kids. It's kind of funny, really. All I had to do was tell him I didn't want him to text me or call me and he was texting me every day, just to prove a point. Boys.

Anyway, the past two days were the worst, and he was basically picking fights with me about just about every parenting decision I make, and yesterday I was frustrated, tired, and just done. We were at homeschool in the morning and I just felt bad the whole time, and early in the afternoon my neighbor and I were sitting outside and watching Jace ride his new bicycle around (yesterday was also his birthday) and I was preparing to leave so that John could come see the kids and give Jace his birthday presents.I was nervous about the visit, and I just felt off, so I called my OB and they fit me in, and I headed over thinking I would just get my weekly appointment out of the way and then come back to take Jace out to dinner for his birthday.

Well, by the time I got there, I was having obvious contractions and he sent me right to the hospital. I felt horrible...missing my four year olds birthday to sit in the hospital getting about a million shots of terbutaline, with an IV, hooked up to a monitor that can barely register 23 week contractions for almost 10 hours. Oh yeah...in the same room that I found out Eli had died. Without my husband there. And a phone that was dead. With nothing to do. Not even tweet. Do you have any idea how close my brain came to exploding? Nothing to do for ten hours but sit around and think??

It sucked. Luckily, by a little after midnight, things had died down enough for me to go home, and I feel better today. Tired, but better. And the plus is that John apparently finally had a chance to see how his behavior can actually affect me physically. He says he understands now why I need to distance myself from him, and I hope that's true. It's the last thing I want, but it's the best thing for me right now. I'm just tired of being so upset all the time, and I want to be able to focus on the kids and not what he's doing. Right now, I need to be able to pretend he doesn't exist, at least until this baby gets safely here or something about his behavior changes. It sucks that we are at this point, but as much as I'd like to be able to hang out for the kids sake, I just can't right now. Obviously. As yesterday illustrated.

So, I'm back, and feeling better, and I just wanted to let you all know. I hope you're all having a great week!
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