Tuesday, November 3, 2009

5 months

Happy Five month anniversary to me. Five months on my own with three kids. Five months on duty twenty four hours a day. Nearly half a year as a single parent, aside from the times they see their dad, of course. All during pregnancy, which makes me an emotional loon. Doesn't it sound like a barrel of laughs around here? I know, I know, you all want to be me.

Isn't it weird? It doesn't feel like it's been that long. It still feels wrong, like it can't be for real, like this is a nightmare I'm going to wake up from. So many lost opportunities, so many lost moments. So many nights when the baby kicks up a storm and I am the only one to feel her. I miss so many small things about marriage, things that don't even seem important but totally are.

On the flip side, I am even closer to my kids, which I didn't think was possible. Ava and Jace and I are our own little team of three with Seth as our mascot, banding together to do Seth's therapy or clean the house or pick up the yard. They have been  lifesavers to me...there are days I am  positive that without them, without knowing that I had to wake up for them and be there for them, I would not be here today.

They are both obsessed with being like me. Over and over every day I hear "Mama, do you like coconut (or the color red, or vegetables), I have to be very careful with how I answer, because they immediately adopt that stance themselves. "Mama doesn't like coconut? I don't like coconut. I'm just like my mom." It's endearing and hilarious, and a little strange when Jace wants to shave his legs just because I do. =) Because of them, I am trying to stop biting my nails, because they are both doing it because I do it. Do as I say and not as I do, kids! Didn't you get the memo?!

I got a steam mop recently...call it a gift to myself so I wouldn't have to work so hard cleaning, and I'm amazed. Do you know how amazing steam mops are? My floors are clean. No chemicals. Just water. The crap that has been built up on my floors is finally gone...I am in love. My life is so much easier, and I wish I had found out about the existence of the steam mop months ago. No bending over, no scrubbing so hard I have contractions. I tell you, thank goodness I couldn't sleep that night and I saw that infomercial. I love infomercials...I also own the Magic Bullet thanks to an infomercial. My friends and I used to stay up late into the night talking on the phone, watching infomercials together and trying to guess just how low the price of whatever was for sale would end up being...just fourteen payments of 9.99! It's a steal! Of course, this was back in the days when all the stations switched off after a certain time at night so there was nothing else on.

I go back and forth on a daily basis. Wear my wedding ring, take it off. Wear it. Take it off. As much as it feels good to take it off in the moment, I can never go more than a couple of days without it. It's part of me...part of the vows I made. What happened to vows, anyway? Why the heck is it so freaking easy to get divorced? It seems like it should be harder, so that everyone understands how serious it is. And can I just say that I cannot stand when people think just because you're getting divorced, you're no longer married? I have had so many acquaintances from high school who have gotten involved with people who are "going through a divorce", and justify being with them before anything is finalized just because the word divorce has been said. Those people are married, until the day the divorce is final. They shouldn't be dating until they're no longer married. There is no in between. It just seems like a recipe for disaster. But I guess that's just my interpretation.

I'm not a perfect person. My current situation did not just happen to me; I had a part in it, too. I'm a flawed, imperfect person who has a ton of faults. I'm a mom to precious, Godly children. I'm a sinner, saved by grace. I'm a person who has survived something for five months that I truthfully thought would finish me off in five days. I want to be able to deal with this stage of my life with dignity and grace, even when I don't feel either one. But man, is it ever hard.

God. Five months. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I wish it wasn't happening. I wish it was over. But after this long, after the days and nights and weeks I lived moment by moment, I know I can handle it if I have to . The kids and I are trucking along, and we'll keep on going. This is still horrifying to me some days, lots of nights. But in the midst of it all, the four of us, we're still laughing, still having picnics on the floor and movie nights and hilarious conversations. This is not going to define us. I will do everything in my power to make sure my kids get through this with as few scars as possible.

But man, being the bug killer really sucks.
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