Sunday, December 6, 2009

Clothes! and feeling down tonight

Because I know some of you need to see new pictures of Vivi before you can go on with your day...=)



She's doing great. This morning she is getting a cranial ultrasound, so if you all could send up some prayers for us that she doesn't have any bleeding in her brain I would greatly, greatly appreciate it. I'm loving that she is in clothes now, although she looks like a little doll. She's so tiny...that's a preemie sleeper and she's definitely got lots of growing room.

We got a Christmas tree last night. Usually, we use an artificial tree, but it's in the attic, and we were offered a live tree. A live tree felt festive, so we got it set up. In the course of the evening three lizards escaped. Luckily, my dog is an amazing lizard hunter. I found it really funny that we had lizards in our Christmas tree...just seemed wrong, somehow.

Now I have to find the ornaments. Right now, I have absolutely no clue where they could be, and no time to look for them. It just hit me tonight that this is going to be tough. John loves Christmas. LOVES Christmas. It's his favorite time of year. I don't think I ever really got as into it as he did, and I wish I had. It's so funny the silly things that will hit you, and you'll think "Maybe if I had done that differently, then we would be in a different place today." It's pointless to second guess it all, and hindsight is 20/20, but if I had known we would only get 6 Christmases as a family, then I would have put more effort into them, tried to remember more, taken more pictures, done more special things. This still really sucks sometimes.

It's so surreal to me that Evany is here and that I'm not pregnant anymore. It's very hard for me to separate my pregnancy with her from my marriage. When I got pregnant, I thought we'd get through it like we got through everything else, and then after he left I thought by the time she was born things would somehow have changed, that my pregnancy with her was a blessing, a way to buy some time to work on things.

But instead, she came two months early, and my best friend was the one in the hallway outside the operating room going crazy when they couldn't find Evany's heartbeat instead of my husband . Every single thing in my life is different than I thought it would be. In some ways I'm better and stronger, and I've done things I never thought I could do. In other ways, I still can't believe this is happening, and I miss him in spite of myself. But now she's here, and there's nothing standing in the way of my marriage ending anymore.

I know that these are things that have to be worked through, that spending time sad and miserable about my marriage ending is a better choice than pretending it's not happening. I want to be a functional person someday, and I know that won't happen if I don't take the time to deal with this. But sometimes I just hate being sad all the time. The kids make me happy, but then I get sad all over again at what's happening to them, to all of us. I hate this.

It's day by day. I can make it through today, and then I can make it through tomorrow, just like I have through Evany's entire pregnancy. On bad days, I can make it through hour by hour. I just don't always want to, don't always want to have to do it alone. Ugh.

Time to go feed Evany. I'm not as bad as I sound tonight, just tired. Sometimes thinking about everything that has happened just exhausts me. I'm already feeling better...thanks for reading.
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