Lemonade

I just typed out this long meandering post and then it disappeared. 


Uncool. 


But enlightening. My post was getting long and confusing and the whole point was lost, so maybe my second attempt will be more succinct. 


Today marks another month that has passed since my marriage broke up. 


Man, that sucked, huh?


And yet, this is the overarching feeling I have when I think back over the past months. Don't be too shocked.


Thank God. 


I mean, it's not that I'm glad that I will be a divorcee in a few weeks. I hate the extra care and effort that will have to go into guarding my children's hearts and minds when I never wanted this for them, but still...


Thank God.


Thank God He saw fit to see me through these months, to the day that it suddenly dawned on me that in many ways I am better off, a healthier and more whole person since my husband left. 


He's probably reading this, so...sidenote: Thanks, John! If you hadn't given up on me, I never would have realized that in many ways I had given up on myself, or just how miserable I was in so many areas of my life. I was backsliding, mistrustful, losing faith even as I grasped it by a thread. I had reasons to feel all those things, valid ones. Your leaving jump started this journey I've been on, and all this time, when I thought I was just trying to rebuild our marriage, it turned out that I was actually rebuilding myself. (And no, nothing in the above paragraph is mean to be snarky.)


Okay, back on track. I have been broken since Eli died. That day changed me, for better or worse, in a way that even my marriage vows didn't. I was consumed by grief. Then Seth was born, and because he was deaf, and because it was easy to blame myself because if I hadn't "failed" him by delivering early maybe he would have kept his hearing, I was consumed by passion to help him. I was consumed with my children, keeping them alive, keeping them safe, when I should have realized that there was only so much I could do protect them, being only human and all, and not, you know, God. 


But these several months of being on my own, in a sense, have helped me to find that part of me that I thought was gone. I'm happy. I didn't even realize it until someone told me, said that as crazy as it seemed in the midst of all this, I seemed more at peace than I have in a long time. 


Then I realized it was true and offered them a cookie, because...man, why didn't I realize this sooner? I've been doing all this work on me to fix my marriage and I never once realized that even if my husband didn't want to benefit from my efforts, I still could! In a lot of ways I am much more prepared to be a good and happy wife than I ever was before, and if not that, I am already a better and happier person, even on my own.


I have to tell you, I'm a fan of being happy. I'm a fan of looking forward to life with a more balanced view of what my family should and can be, with myself as a person who feels real and whole as a woman and not just a mom. I like being able to find a way to reconcile ME me with MOM me and not feeling bad about it. That while it's not ideal, I'm capable of doing this, and doing it well. Who knew it...kids do better when their parents like themselves. Rocket Science, I tell you.


Of course, they do even better when their parents like both themselves and one another, but we're getting there, and, also, you can't always get what you want. 


But when you try sometimes, you get what you need. (Sidenote, I miss GLEE.)


Turns out I don't need my husband to survive or be happy, although obviously that would have been the best case scenario, and man,  I hope this doesn't trick anyone into thinking I'm a fan of divorce, because...no, no way dude. But on the flip side, I'm also not a fan of forcing people to stay married, and if you do, where's God in that? I'm okay with it. I mean, I think it would probably be best to be married to someone who wants to be married to you, too. And I feel strongly that when God is quiet about something, when he holds back from convicting someone, there is a reason.


Maybe someday it will happen, and I'll find a partner and best friend, someone who will laugh at my jokes and think my neuroses are cute, and who will wake up every morning making the choice to love me even when I'm being unlovable. Who will be honest even when it means I'll be sad or mad or frustrated. Who will work tirelessly to prevent the enemy from attacking our union, as he so wants to do.


It would be great if that happened for me, but if it doesn't, that's cool too. But I promise you if I do this again, I'm doing it for keeps. Because now I'm back. I'm no longer grieving, not my son's death or my marriage's demise.  I'm so blessed by each of my children, and by the years I spent with John. I'll always remember that boy I married very fondly and I'll probably always love him, although I don't really see him in the guy I am developing this strange, quirky friendship with as we learn to parent our children together.


Over all these months, I have prayed for peace. For peace with John's decisions, peace to guide my actions in the right direction. It eluded me. I never knew what to do, I never felt closure or like my marriage was over. 


But now, for whatever reason, in whatever timing, I am at peace. We've survived these months, and in the years to come, I have complete peace and conviction about something, and I know, for once, without a doubt, that it's straight from God. 


While our family being intact and whole was the goal, we have survived what has happened here, in this fallen world. And it won't stop there. 


I think...no, I know we're going to thrive. 


It's yet another place I never thought I'd be, something else I never asked for. But just as great good has come from the tragedy of Eli's death in the form of bringing other's to Christ, and that great good has come from sharing Seth's story, I also know that good will come of this, somehow. 


But seriously, I've had enough lemonade, okay? I don't want to see any more lemons around here!