Sunday, February 14, 2010


So, Valentine's Day.


I'm a fan of it, generally. Some of you may know my love language is restaunts and hotels, and therefore Valentine's is fun for me. I've had some Valentine's day consisted of the whole shebang...dressing up and followng a scavenger hunt to a pedestrian bridge where my boyfriend was waiting with a boom box playing our song. We slow danced, went to dinner, and then he just started driving, right out of the country into Canada. When I freaked out about not having my birth certificate, he pointed at the back of the car, where my roommate, who was in on the secret, had packed me a bag without my knowledge. We spent the weekend wandering the streets of Windsor (where the drinking age is 19, btw) and visiting the Columbus zoo. Yeah, that one was fun.

Last night I went to our church's Valentine's Day Dinner and a Movie.

I went with my best friend, because if she didn't go, she would totally have ended up working childcare for the third year in a row (her husband runs the event), and that's just no good. Plus, it's a fundraiser for our youth group. So when she asked me if I was interested in going with her, I said yes without considering the ramifications of going to a event aimed solely at couples. I guess that makes her my valentine.
And, man. It wasn't the dinner, which was amazing, or the conversation, which was great, and it was great to see everyone from church. In fact, being around all the married couples didn't even bother me, which is huge. I mean, it was kind of bittersweet, obviously, since it's something that I never wanted to have to learn to do, go places alone.

But it was fun, and the movie was good...really good, and it hit me hard. It was a movie about a marriage that kind of fell apart for various reasons, and the wife ends up basically losing it and taking off. The movie fast forwards ten years and is about how the husband and wife end up reconnecting and what happens with their relationship as the wife has become a believer.

Afterwards, Tommy spent some time praying for everyone's marriages, and that's when I had to get up and walk away. As okay as I am with the divorce in these circumstances, I never would have chosen it, and at certain times the loss of it all hits me all over again...not just the loss of our relationship but the loss of our dreams, of the people who had such great plans for our family. The loss of innocence for the kids, the loss of really understandng what our family was before it became what it is. But more than all that, I feel sad for John, sad that no matter how hard we try, he is going to miss so much of their lives, even if I stay single. And if I don't stay single, there will be another father figure in their lives, and no amount of stressing that John is their dad and so and so is not won't change the fact that John won't be the one waking up with them, doing homework with them, cutting the crust off their sandwiches for lunch. He (whoever he may be) will be the only man Evany or Seth will remember living with.

I really do believe that John and I are doing this this the best case scenario way, but it's tough when we're making the best of one of the worst things that could happen.  We talk, we get along, but there are so many things we'll never agree on. We can be around each other without issue, and in fact, when I see him I rarely even think of what we had. It makes me happy because I don't feel sad. Then it makes me sad because I know I'm the only one who remembers, and if I forget, who is going to tell the kids one day that their parents really did love them and each other? Even if they grow up with two step parents, two nuclear families, it's still important to me that they understand that.

A bit heavy for Valentine's Day, I know. I sat down to write a very different post, but an hour later, this is the one that insisted upon being written. The other one was going to be super funny and you guys are totally missing out. Sorry!
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