Sunday, February 6, 2011

I don't have all the answers.

So, I have been getting comments and emails that seem to be a variation on a theme. Most of them are well meaning, but the gist of it is that people want to know how in the world I'm going to provide for my kids when I'm not working. Some people want tips, ways to support their kids without working. Some people want to know if other people are supporting my children for me. But lots of people seem to want to know how I'm planning on doing it.

I don't know.

Remember, I didn't plan this. I didn't plan to be pregnant again and be told that working could endanger my high risk pregnancy again. I didn't get here by myself, but I'm the only one supporting any aspect of this pregnancy. I was working and contributing quite a bit to my children's care. But having to take a leave of absence from that job was not my choice, it was something that had to happen to put this baby first and give him or her a fighting chance, which someone has to do.

Secondly, I'm not actually the only parent responsible for supporting my children, so that implication bothers me a little. Their dad is responsible for his portion no matter where we live. I know it sucks that we're moving far away from him. It's not ideal. But something I'd like everyone to remember is that your perception of how involved or uninvolved their father is is just that...your perception, unless you've directly spoken to me about it. I don't post about how much time he spends or doesn't spend with them, or what they do together, or how much support he pays or doesn't pay to them each month. So I'm sure it's easy to project your perception of what kind of dad he is on him instead of really being aware of what the reality is. Maybe your dad was a super hands on divorced dad or you only knew deadbeats. Usually, whatever our personal experience is colors our perception of other people's situations. Sometimes I wish I could spell out lots of things, but I can't. It wouldn't be worth it. Of course I want them to see their dad, and he plans to visit. I couldn't and wouldn't have moved without him signing off on it, literally.

It's more than clear that I'm on my own with this baby as well, so I have to make hard choices for us all. My pregnancy with Evany was, to put it mildly, miserable. We would argue and I'd have contractions and end up in the hospital. I had a terrible time bonding with her the way I should have been able to because so much negativity and angst and even fear was mixed up in her pregnancy. It's starting all over again, and I won't do that again, and I shouldn't have to.

The plain fact of the matter is that I don't have a choice. I want to be here. But the money we have, from child support, to my income from the blog, to student loans that I supplement with as needed since I am not permitted to work through this pregnancy, will go much further in Indiana than it does in Florida. The cost of living is just plain less. And if I could just add this...I'm not being lazy! I'm homeschooling my kids and going to school full time so that I can graduate and have a job that will support them well and easily whether or not we receive child support at all. I know it's not the usual choice, but I have to think that in the long run this is a better choice than working a low wage job, putting my kids in daycare, paying almost all my earnings to that childcare, and then barely seeing them. I've done the math, and we'd be in the same place we're in now...little money. The main difference is I'd never see my kids and they'd spend more than eight hours a day in childcare and school. I am working....really hard, I might add, to put the kids and I in a stable place.

 My choices might not be traditional. They might not be what you'd choose or what you chose when you were in my position. I don't always agree with other peoples choices. Heck, I don't agree with the choices other people made that put me in the position to have to make these choices! I'm making the best choices I can given the choices I have, just like I know you all do every day.

I have spent more than a year and a half bending over backwards to make things work to put my family back together. It didn't work. I basically got left again, in the same manner as the first time. So please, cut me a little slack. I don't want to hurt anyone or cheat anyone or take the kids away. We have other family here as well we'll be leaving, and that's incredibly hard, too. I don't have all the answers.  I'm just trying to get through this pregnancy by myself, keep my GPA up, and shelter and care for my kids the way they deserve. Doing that right now means that something big has to change, and for us and for now, that is moving.

Most of you have been nothing but supportive. I appreciate it more than you know. I know I'm being oversensitive and emotional, but it comes with the territory of being pregnant, hormonal, and having to leave my entire life, that I love more than you could possibly know, and start over again because it's in the best interest of my kids. All of them.

Thanks for letting me vent.

PS: I hate to even address this, but I seem to have my first official troll. Someone has been commenting for a couple of weeks now under many different names but all from the same IP address. J&J'sMama, Lisette, Olivia, AmandaReid, Margot, BJK, and probably others, all ending in the email, are the same person. Turns out basically all of my negativity has been coming from one place. I need to do a better job of ignoring it and ignoring this person is probably the best bet, I'm assuming. Who knows who they are or why they feel they need to assume so many identities, some friendly and other decidedly the opposite, but I have to let people like this stop affecting me. I've always cared too much what people thought of me, and I need to just learn to ignore.

Thanks for putting up with me, though!
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