Because I get it. My life sounds like a soap opera. My husband left me when I was pregnant and another person was involved. Subsequently, we got divorced. Then we entertained the thought of reconciling just long enough to end up expecting once again.
Questionable, yes. But that's all you know. I never posted the details. I never shared the background of any of it. In fact, when I did post about my marriage, it was to work through what I did wrong. So yes, it's probably easy to jump to the fitting soap opera conclusion that I seduced him and got pregnant on purpose to try to win him back. But that's all it would be. One conclusion, of many, that you could jump to. A conclusion, like lots of others, that would be wrong. The fact is, I married the man that I married that July on the beach all those years ago and built a life with him because I was head over heels in love with him. And that's not all...he loved me too, no matter what's happened between us since. We have six beautiful children together. And that? It's worth something.
And because of that, you haven't and will not ever hear the controversial details of anything that has happened between us. Not how I got pregnant with Coen, or any of our other kids for that matter. Not the details of his involvement with me or the kids. Not the details of last summer. Not the details of anything to do with him, really. Our marriage meant too much to me to cheapen it that way. But the thing I won't ever do again is feel ashamed because I loved someone, made a bad judgment call and ended up with a very gorgeous, lovable baby out of it. I will never regret giving my marriage a second chance, and I will never regret my son. I will also never, beyond this single post, defend myself for these actions when I receive comments that are attacking me, because I shouldn’t have to defend myself at all.
Those are all the things I won't do. You'll have to jump to whatever conclusions you like about it all. Or you could just realize that you don't have all the information about anyone who posts anything online and refrain from jumping to any conclusions at all.
There are also some things I will be doing from now on. Regardless of my stance on people being allowed to disagree with me, I will now be deleting any comment that is rude, distasteful, or an attack on me, my character, or the character of my children. Because whether it's fair or not, I’m done. I’m done feeling guilty about anything that happened. I know that while I made mistakes in my marriage I did more than my share of work in correcting them. And I know something even better than that:
I know I am a great mother. I have a long way to go before I can declare success in raising them, and I make plenty of mistakes, but up until this point? I’ve done a damn good job. I am lucky enough, by the grace of God, to have five smart, funny, morally innocent children who are extremely well adjusted considering the circumstances. They are well cared for, well fed, and well loved.
Everyone is welcome to their opinion, and you can hate me and think I’m a terrible person if you like, but you can’t do it here anymore. I moved across the country to improve our circumstances and surroundings and I’m done allowing this blog to be the final area in my life I allow negativity.
Everyone has to choose their priorities in life. I choose my children. And for those of you who like writing these things about me and them, remember that these are real children you’re writing about with a mother who is a real person who can’t be shoved into the box you seem intent on fitting me into. And really? If you can look into these kids' eyes and feel justified in your attacks, I’m a lot more worried about you and your motives than I am about mine. I know why I made each choice I made, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
The great thing is I'm well aware that the vast majority of you that comment here are endlessly supportive of me and I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate it. Thank you all for building me up on my bad days and sharing our lives in such a supportive way.