Wednesday, September 28, 2011

For Both of Them

Two people I love very much died on Saturday. Their funerals were streamed across the internet today, which was lucky for me since I live states away from each of them. They were both lovely, charismatic, loving, amazing people, and they were both in their thirties. Which kills me. No pun intended. I am basically incapable of writing anything cohesive or well written at this moment, but I wanted to write something, no matter how bad it is. 

 My friend Sara, who I have been blessed to know and love for over two years now. By the end, I was praying every day that this would be the day. The day she would let go and leave the body that had betrayed her time and time again, and go home. To heaven, where she can run and dance and has no need for the walker that she couldn't stand. Where she could see her dad once again, where she could laugh deep belly laughs without wincing in pain (and then apologizing, like she always did, the dork). 

While waiting for Sara to go for those several days, I couldn't post. I couldn't write about something silly the kids did, or what we've been up to, or anything else because my mind was just consumed by Sara. The girls and I would gather on Skype at night and miss her presence, and when I sent off a quick email to them, gmail would prompt me to "Consider including Gitz in this email."

Well, yeah. I'd love to. But I don't think this email is going to make it to heaven. So instead, in our conversations, when we tried to tell a story or ask a question, one of us would invariably say "Sara would be so annoyed with you right now." or "Sara would love that!" or "I wish I knew what Sara thought about this." or even "I'm flipping you off right now because it's what Sara would be doing."

(and yes, she was fine with this getting posted)


I miss her every day. But she chose joy every day of her life no matter how much her condition deteriorated. She was a light to me and to so many other people...I am so, so lucky that I got to hang out with her over skype so many nights, that we could talk about serious things, God things, and what jeans were best for our body types or what outfits, down to the tiny details, were perfect for a date. I am better for having known her, and I think that everyone who has had the pleasure of talking to her or simply reading her blog would agree. And I want to choose joy in the same way Sara did...despite circumstances or annoyances in life, despite things not panning out quite how I planned. 

Jeramy was my cousin. "Your favorite cousin!" he would always say, winking at me and throwing his arms around my shoulders. He was older than me, old enough that when he paid attention to me as a small girl it would basically make my year. I was head over heels in love with my handsome cousin, in the most innocent way possible. As I grew up we grew closer, and even after he moved away to California to pursue his dreams of becoming the world's next Soap star, we would still get together every time he came home and talk late into the night, annoying our family by sneaking off to talk away from everyone else at gatherings and family functions. 

(This is a picture from the service. It's a placeholder until I track down the picture I want to post of him)

He had this gift of talking to you like you were the only person in the room, and he was so charismatic it was ridiculous. He had this amazing way of putting someone at ease in moments even if they'd never met him before. He would start conversations with anyone and everyone, and when I was visiting him in LA a couple of years ago with Seth he insisted on taking us to this incredibly fancy restaurant that didn't even have high chairs. "They don't have high chairs!" We both whispered excitedly to one another. "Now that's fancy!" We ended up having a twenty minute conversation with the waitress, just chatting. Something I would never do on my own, but with Jeramy, things always seemed easier, more fun, more memorable. One night he laid sprawled out on my bed with John and me in college, watching movies, every five minutes exclaiming some new idea. "Let's go to the mall and get new outfits and go dancing!" and later, when the kids arrived "Chuck E Cheese! Let's go there...right now!" He always fit so comfortably in our lives, even though he lived a very different lifestyle in California and never had to deal with kids. It was so cool for me to get to see him in his home finally a couple of years ago, meet the friends who had become his bonus family, the place he worked. He carried Seth through the entire restaurant, showing him off, introducing him to everyone. He was so very joyful.

That was the last time I saw him. It was an amazing visit. I am so glad we got to go, because it just couldn't have been any better. I looked back through my phone the other day, and saw his last text to me, from just a few months ago. "I really do love you, you know. Your favorite Cousin."

And so the past few weeks have sucked. Sara and Jeramy were two of the most wonderful, beautiful, joyful people, inside and out. I hate that they're gone. I miss them like crazy. But I know they're both in a better place than I am, and that all I can do for either one of them is live the absolute best life I can. To make them proud. Because not one of us knows where we'll be in ten years. And I want to know, whatever happens, that I lived and raised my kids in the best way possible.

Things have been crazy here. School situations have changed for some kids and stayed the same for others. Seth has blossomed. Seth has also peed on the floor in a decorative fashion. I have been plugging away at school and mulling over decisions I have to make about where to go from here. It has gotten cold. John has visited, which was amazing for the kids and for him. My friends are flying in on Friday so we can have our own celebration for Sara. It's a life filled with mundane, every day things, but it's our life, and we're going to make the most of it. Also? We're going to take more pictures. Lots more pictures.

For both of them. 

They just sang this song at Jeramy's memorial service. It was one of his favorite songs...he loved to sing. I think it's a requirement to be in our family. I remember his Grandmother loving this song to, and I can remember lots of nights sitting around with family singing and this song being on the list. All credit goes to Johnny Cash, of course. 

When you're all alone and blue
No one to tell your troubles to
Remember me, I'm the one who loves you 

When this world has turned you down
And not a true friend can be found
Remember me, I'm the one who loves you 

And through all kinds of weather
You'll find I'll never change
Through the sunshine and the shadows
I'll always be the same 

We're together right or wrong
Where you go I'll tag along
Remember me, I'm the one who loves you 

(And through all kinds of weather
You'll find I'll never change)
Through the sunshine and the shadows
I'll always be the same 

We're together right or wrong
Where you go I'll tag along
Remember me, I'm the one who loves you
Remember me, I'm the one who loves you 
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