Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Happy 5th Birthday, Sweet Boy

Dear Eli

Five years.

You would be five years old today.

This seems impossible. I can still remember everything about you. The last time you kicked as I was standing in the shower. The days of labor starting and being stopped by the hospital over and over. The horror I felt when I realized you were gone. Then, you.

Delivering you. I'd never thought about its meaning before. But every mom delivers her baby to the world, hopefully safely. I didn't cry until the doctor caught you and I suddenly realized how empty I felt without you there with me.

Your curls, black as night. You pointy chin. Your nose. Your clown feet. The way you fit against my chest, under my chin. These are the things I will never forget.

Five years old. Five is a big year. You would be writing your name. Wrestling with you brothers. Idolizing your older sister, If you are anything like Jace ad Seth. Losing the dimples in your elbows and knees. Wearing holes in your jeans. I feel certain you would have impressive eyes.

Last night I cried and told your dad that it feels like after five years no one would remember a baby who died without takin a breath. I said I wished you had lived five minutes so I could have known you alive.

"But you did know him!" your Dad said. "You held him for almost nine months. You knew him better than anyone."

And I did. I knew you. And you were alive.

And what i said about people forgetting? I was wrong, as I often am when I judge other people. I woke up this morning to a bevy of texts and emails. Messages about you. You have not been forgotten. These wonderful people who go out of their way to remind me that they have not forgotten about a baby boy who died too soon will never know jut how much those messages mean to me.

Last year I found out that I have a blood clotting disorder that most likely caused your death. I am so sorry. I always knew you were healthy an we never understood why you died, and knowing now brings a bittersweet peace. It is good to know but it feels like a betrayal, that my body caused this.

I can't wait to see you one day. I love thinking of you, laughing, happy.

I love you more than more.


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