Sunday, November 30, 2008

While writing Not Me Monday.

I have not been sitting here for ten minutes trying to think of funny things I have not done this week. To be truthful, I can think of a million things I have not done that are pathetic, or painful, or just plain sad.

For instance, last night I did not find a song that reminded me of Eli, and I did not play it over and over until I was feeling miserable. I did not get mad at John when he didn't feel like wallowing like I did.

I do not still feel Eli's loss like a gaping hole in my heart and in my family, and my brain and heart and soul do not feel exhausted from grief.

I am not feeling completely overwhelmed with Seth's therapy schedule and the plans for his surgery and this huge fundraiser we are doing. I am not frustrated at how long it is taking to get it going and I am not starting to feel hopeless before we have even begun.

This other side of the coin is hard. Dark and dirty. There is how I feel most of the time...sad because Eli is gone, but happy he is in heaven. Challenged by Seth's deafness, but optomistic about his life. But on the bad days, the bad weeks, the times when I am driving along down the road and it all hits me like a ton of bricks...It all just sucks.

I have a dead baby. I have a deaf baby. And I have two older kids who have a mom who is not always fully  present, which sucks for them. While most of the time I know that this is God refining me, making me a better person, more like him, sometimes it is just more than I can take.
I want Eli back. More than anything, I see the space in my family where he should be and it makes me jealous of my friends who have their babies. I load my kids into the car and it feels empty instead of full. Every day I get with Seth is a reminder of a day I did not get with Eli, a number of days that are adding up all too quickly to two years. Two years without him! There have been several times I've pulled out an outfit with the tags still on it and it always takes me a few minutes to realize that this was an outfit bought for Eli, not for Jace or Seth. Something he never got to wear. I just miss him, and I hate never having gotten to know him on the outside...what he would have been like, what would have made him laugh, whether he would be happy or cranky or colicky, when he would have started walking, running, what his first words would have been.

When you're grieving the loss of a newborn, it's not just the loss of that newborn that gets you. It's the loss of every moment after. I am missing my lost newborn, my lost one year old, my lost two year old. Every time I think I am at peace with it, another stage of his life that I never got to experience hits me, and it's like I am back at square one. I know he is in heaven with God, and I am thankful for that, but I just wish it could have been another way.

Like the movie Sliding Doors. What if there is some reality where I am happy and at home with my four children? I wish I was her. I wish none of this had ever happened.

But it has. On the bad days, I feel like I can't go on. On the good days, I know God is using me for something bigger, and that we are privileged to be here, privileged to have been given Eli for the time we had him, privileged to be given Seth with his deafness...I am aware that if he hadn't been given the antibiotics that caused his deafness, he could have died, too. On good days, I know that there is a purpose.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.


Shanda said...

God is faithful not to leave us in the valleys of life. He is also faithful to not allow us to solely live on the mountain tops. It is the balance of both that makes life vivid and full. Along the path between the valleys and mountains, He often blesses us with true friends. Those who laugh with us when we are happy, cry with us when we are sad.

Although I don't "know" you in person, I am shedding tears with you my friend. There are moments when I think God lifts our chin in His hands and helps us to look up -to see His greater purposes. We won't know the answers to some of our hearts most painful questions until we reach heaven ourselves, but God is using your loss of Eli for good. Often it is darkest just before dawn. Satan knows the victories and joys ahead-just around the bend for you & your family. He'd love nothing more than if he was able to discourage you enough to quit before you began...Hang in there! Glorious light is about to dance within your darkness. I will believe it for you when you simply cannot...HUGS!

Liz {Learning To Juggle} said...

I have sat here trying to think of the right words to say to you, I realized there probably aren't any "right" words. I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how it all must feel for you. You will be in my prayers...

Elyse said...

Loss of a child is nothing that you can just get over. I am sitting here and crying over your days of hardship. I do not know what it is like to lose a child, since I have none yet, but this is absolutly devestating and life will eventually get better. I am so sorry that life is tough right now.
Hang in there!!!

E @ Scottsville said...

Yea, I can't think of any right words to say either. Just know that I always feel better after typing out feelings and you VENT TO US and know we are here to hear your pain and we do HEAR. And we mamas all know the 'hole' that must be there...lingering. We will listen to you and pray for you and lift you up when you get down and laugh with you when you're up!

Hang in there, El. Tomorrow's a new day.

Amanda said...


I have been silently lurking here and this post just touched my heart so much I felt compelled to reply. I am actually a member of OATH and "know" you from there and also a friend of mine "met" you through her blog on baby-bunching. Anyways, thank you for always being so honest and sharing the "dark and dirty." I lost my son Gavin on May 3rd after 26 days with him and the truth is that every day is still a struggle. I often feel that people don't want to know that or hear that, but it is my reality. I often think of all the things I am missing with Gavin, he would be 8 months old in just a few days.

Thank you again for sharing, your blog has truly been a blessing in my life. Your faith is an inspiration to me and it is such a comfort to read your words and know that I am not alone. I will be praying for you, your family, and for the good days ahead. Take care.


Les said...

Praying for you El. I am so sorry you lost Eli. Glad you are looking to the Saviour and pray he comforts you and lifts you up!

Melissa, Multi-Tasking Mama said...

My best friend lost Paige (her 4th baby) when she was 3 days old and the pain she still feels almost two years later can be just as fresh as it was then. And she too has been blessed with another little one since then but that doesn't change the fact that Paige is gone. My heart and prayers are with you and you can feel free to contact Megan at anytime you need to talk to someone who has been there. God bless you!

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