Life is Hard

Ahh! I am here...thanks to the intermittent internet of our neighbors and best friends. If I sit in just the right spot, it does not go out on me.

Let me just say right now...this is going to be one of those posts. I'll throw it out there...

I am exhausted. mentally, spiritually, and physically. Tired to my bones. This has been a week of nonstop Christmas parties for us, for each kid, for youth group. It's almost over...tomorrrow night is John's work party and then I can stop making favors, assigning foods to bring, and decorating classrooms. That's the physical exhaustion...on top of the parties, Seth has had evaluation after evaluation, appointment after appointment, and the next two weeks of appointment free time is stretching before me like an oasis.

I went to a deaf Christmas Party last week. I went on my own with Seth and with Ava, and as we walked across the street, I felt myself start to sweat. Everyone was deaf. Real deaf people, not hearing people who were there to teach us sign. These people couldn't hear me and couldn't clarify things for me if I didn't know how to ask them to in ASL. I had one semi-successful conversation with a woman and her adorable baby, then quickly slid right down the mountain of depression I have been avoiding for so long. Everyone was signing! No one was talking. It was fast, and overwhelming, and as I stood outside watching Ava play with all the kids, I felt like falling to the ground.

This is hard! Not just the signing, but all of it! I am so glad I got to bring a baby home, so thankful to God for healing him and gifting him to us, but...this. Is. Hard. Therapy is hard. I feel like an idiot pointing to my ear and saying "Seth, I hear the train! It says CHOO! CHOO! CHOO! Do YOU hear the train?" As he stares at me, not hearing a word.

Taking my son to specialist after specialist, thinking I'm going in for simple NICU rechecks only to find out each time that there is something they are concerned about...Seth's list of doctors is longer than the rest of the family's put together.

Signing is hard! I mean, why is the syntax the complete opposite in ASL? I feel like I have to turn my phrases all around before I can sign them, then I get confused about what I was trying to sign in the first place.

John working two jobs is hard. Hard for me, because I feel bad that the reason he is doing it is because I couldn't go back to work due to Seth's busy schedule, and because I get frustrated that John never gets to come along for any of Seth's appointments. Hard for him, because he never gets to see the kids. Hard for us, because we never see eachother, and when we do, we are both tired and cranky.

Now, I know that I am being ridiculous. As hard as therapy is for me, I see every day the ways it is helping Seth to be attentive to conversations, to take turns, to pay attention to facial expressions. And of course signing is hard! It's a foreign language, after all, and it's ridiculous for me to think that 4 months of studying it will make me fluent.

The specialists...they have Seth's best interest in mind, and of course it is important to find out if he does have this syndrome or that problem and exactly why he is so far behind in development physically.

John...I am blessed to have a husband so willing to work two jobs most days to keep us afloat, and never complain.

There are kids out there, families out there, much worse of than Seth, and than us. I understand that and my heart goes out to them, because I don't know how they do it. But after thinking about it, they probably just don't have a choice, they just love their kids and they keep going for them.

So, I get it. I get why each and every one of these things is hard, and I understand it logically. But sometimes, when I have spent four hours with my 5 month old son doing "tests" and I am waiting for the specialist to go call another, more special specialist, it all just seems a bit much.

I look at Seth and I see that he is happy, he is healthy, and I wish I could spend more time being happy about that than being apprehensive about his development, his hearing, his surgery that is only 5 months away. But I find the more exhausted I am the harder it is for me to see clearly, and right now the only things that are the ones that are stressing me out.

So, we could use some prayers. For Seth, and for us. There are a few things up in the air for him, and he will be going through some retesting in a few different areas (motor skills, some more hearing tests, and his heart). I will post more details on what exactly is going on later, as log as my internet connection holds. =)

Happy Christmas Vacation! Just in the nick of time. Hope you're all relaxing!