Friday, July 10, 2009


I just want to thank you all for your kind comments and emails in regards to my last post.

I'm doing...badly, truthfully. Sometimes I feel like I literally cannot get through the next five minutes. Some moments I feel like there is literally no way I can survive this. I am not alone, as I have family and friends itching to help, but of course the only thing I want is for him to come back.

It's funny how fast you can adjust to a strange situation. In just one week, it is normal to fall asleep on the couch instead of my bed, to count the minutes until the kids bedtime when I can just sit. In just a week, it has become normal not to be able to call him and expect an answer, not to know where he is or what he is doing. In just one week, it has become normal to feel lonely every second of the day, no matter who I am with.

I go back and forth from feeling like I have to know what he is doing, who he is with, to feeling like I have to force myself not to care. But that's just the thing...I care. As strongly as he feels it is over, and his reasons are valid, at least to him, well, I feel just that strongly that we are meant to be a family unit. Right now I am fighting a losing battle, but I have time on my side.

In Florida, you can't get a divorce during pregnancy. My most fervent prayer is that the next six months will bring about a real heart change and equip us both.

It's just going to be a long, hard six months, and I know that I can count on you all to help me get through it. In advance, thank you all for being friends.


Unknown said...

my first son's father left me 2 weeks after he was born. my world fell apart and changed completely. i felt lost and disheartened, confused and angry. but after a few months past, I realized that all those months of wanting him back, was just me being so afraid of being out of control and embarking a journey that I had never partaked in before.

No matter what happens El, you'll figure it out and you'll be stronger in the end, regardless of what happens. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.

Perhaps in time, with being a part, you'll both realize what truly makes you happy and what really takes priority in your life. If time insists you be apart, then so be it, you'll find someone who will love you and your children as his own. if it be you guys are together, then you'll find that your relationship will be stronger and will be able to withstand EVERYTHING.

Just remember that he loves you, he loves your children, and God has a bigger plan for you both. Hang in there and remember we are all loving and praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I felt that you cast as kind a light as is humanly possible on a man who chose to walk away from his children and his expectant wife. Much respect to you for taking the high road-clearly a tribute to your character as well as your faith.
I pray that he will be as considerate in return. I know it's a stretch, to expect honor in the midst of such a dishonorable act-but I'm praying anyway.
This I know for certain: you will end up embracing this as an opportunity for personal and spiritual growth, and as a result, you will be blessed in your future relationship. Maybe with him-maybe you'll look back at this together from a better place one day. I know that's what you want. But if it is not meant to be, surely God has an awesome blind date waiting in the wings of your future.

Momof2bz said...

I think you did take the high road in your last posting. I would probably not be as nice especially on my blog that I wrote and while speaking to the friends that I feel are mine. However everything works out, don't let people (including tell you how to feel, how to act or what to say. You are entitled to your say too. I hope you are right and the next 6 months gives clarity. Whether that clarity be in the form of a return or a defined break is up to God. I am glad to hear that you have tons of support and you always have us. I hope you enjoy a beautiful Florida weekend with your little ones. I hope they are doing well during this time.

Liz {Learning To Juggle} said...

I can't imagine that was an easy post to write, I have no doubt that it is hard to speak (post) so objectively during this time.

Your entire family is in my prayers, it is not easy for anyone when a family falls apart (whaever the reason). I hope these next six months help you all to find peace with each other and with yourselves, whatever the outcome may be.

There is much love and support here for you!!


Ace said...

God's timing for the pregnancy maybe??? Hang in there, you have tons of people praying for you!

Jen said...

Praying for you with all my heart...

BeLoVed AiMeE said...

it is when we are at our lowest and weakest moments that God can do the biggest works in our lives. praying for you El, and for your marriage. my heart hurts for you...this perfect stranger. And makes me realize how much GOD loves us ..if I hurt for you, imagine how much HE hurts for you. You are not alone in this difficult time. <3

Brittney said...

As far as your last post goes...I didn't think you were cruel. You clearly have a perspective and it came through in your writing. If he didn't like what was written about him, then he must not be comfortable with it himself and he should consider what he's doing and work to correct it. I don't mean that in a mean way because I'm sure that it's all been difficult for him too, but counseling might help.

I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers! I've never commented on your blog before, but what you're going through now is tugging at my heart. I'm praying for you both to have clarity and peace of mind, and you can get through this.

K Mommy said...

Praying for yall!

Hall Family in MD said...

Wow. Miss a day checking blogs and I miss a lot! I am praying for you and your husband. I am not even going to pretend to know what you are going through - being pregnant and now separated. But, know you are not alone. God is definitely with you and so are we....well, you know what I mean. ((Hugs))

Me said...

I read, but have only commented once.

I wrote a long comment, but thought it came out sounding mean and heartless, so I am rewriting.

I am praying for you, John and all your babes. That whatever the outcome, it is something you are able to agree with and see as something that was supposed to happen.

I am sorry. I am so sorry.

Anonymous said...

I absolutely loved what the second poster wrote.

When I first read your original email I was amazed at how well you handled yourself. You said nothing to bad-mouth him. I'm sure he found fault with it. But the thing is..we are here for YOU! We have come to know YOU, not him. I in no way dislike your husband. I think he is lost right now and not on a Godly path. I pray for you both daily, that you can make your marriage work and be happy together.

I just want you to feel like you can come and talk about your feelings as if we are a group of friends sitting around. Sometimes guys may not like what we have to say or how we are feeling but that doesn't make our feelings any less real. They don't understand how much talking about things helps us woman. I pray your dh will realize you are in need of support right now. You aren't attacking him.

On a side note..Pregnancy related, how have you been feeling?

Janis @ SneakPeek said...

Like I said yesterday I have been where you are and frankly it stinks (to put it mildly). Just do what you can to take care of yourself and the kids. I imagine he was furious with that last post, not because it wasn't true...but because it was. It is your truth, sometimes the truth is ugly and it hurts. I am sorry he is hurting you and the kids.

Jessica said...

I, too, think that you have been very kind towards your husband in your words on here--and the fact that you openly say you still care, still want to know where he is, still love him--that testifies to your ability to choose love and hope over bitterness and despair...I am praying for your whole family...I think divorce breaks God's heart as it tears up a family...Praying for the grace and peace that we read about in the Bible to envelope you all.

Jennifer W. said...

I will pray that John will seek God's will. And that both of you will fall squarely into the middle of it. I think that is the only way the two of you can find each other again. God ordains marriage for life, and I think that if John will truly turn his heart to God, he will see that he is meant to be with the family God has already blessed him with. I will pray for peace for you, as it can't be good for the pregnancy for you to be stressed. I sincerely hope the next six months will allow the two of you to rediscover yourselves. And as for your last post, I thought you were being kind in regard to John. I am praying for your children who must be as hurting and confused as you are. Be sure to take care of yourself and the new baby, and love on the kids as much as you can. I'm sure that's not an easy task when it's hard to just get through the day. I wish I had great words of wisdom, but all I can say is I will keep praying. And I'm sorry.

Mandy Hornbuckle said...

I have to agree with the anonymous commenter above and several others - I think you portrayed him in as favorable of a light as possible if that was the truth. There is no way to dress up or make the fact that he left you, refused to continue counseling, and is in a relationship with someone new, sound any better. That's just the way it is, and hopefully he'll be able to see that there's a reason he's portrayed in a poor light.

Sorry. I'm angry on your behalf.

Know that I love you and I am praying for you!!!

WendyCarole said...

I don't think you caste him in a nasty way. You told us he had left and he had someone else
You could've been really scathing.

I hope that you will be able to cope, take each day at a time and don't look too far forward. presumably he will have t provide for you all/

Will continue to pray for you all

Sew a Fine Seam said...

I have to agree, you did NOT say anything bad about John. That was my first thought when I read today's post. I think you were very respectful of him to take it down though. Even if there was nothing wrong with it! I'd recommend the 'Love and Respect' dvd's by Emerson Eggerich. They would help you even if John won't watch them.
I will be praying for a change of heart in John in the next 6 months.
And for strength for you.
Have you contacted MckMama? We need to get all her prayer warriors on this NOW! This situation is really more serious than Stellan's. The Bible teaches us that if Stellan were to die he would be in heaven. Right now, I'm not sure about John, he is sinning against God (and you) and God's commandments on marriage and divorce.
Let's all rally around and pray John back to God and his family!

Eva said...

Though we don't know the whole story and though there are always two sides to every story your husband didn't ask you to take it down because you wrote about him in a bad light {you didn't... you showed incredible retraint}. He asked you to take it down because he is being selfish {i'm sorry but it is true}. Right now he is giving in to Satan's ploys and choosing only what he wants... not thinking for one momment how it affects you {whom he promised to spend the rest of his life with} and your {his} children... whom he promised to love and protect. Though he won't admit it he doesn't want people to hear and support your side because it would mean that he is in the wrong and he doesn't want to feel like he is in the wrong.
I'm sorry if any of these words are hurtful to you or your husband and though we are strangers in this world we are sisters in Christ and I will continue to pray for your husband to come to the light and choose his family over any other.

Anonymous said...

Big HUGS I will Keep reading and being here

Jennifer said...

Wow, I think that just shows what perfect timing this pregnancy is!

Also, I think it's very rude of him to tell you your last post basically gave him a bad rep. He's the one who did what he did. If it makes him uncomfortable to read about it on here, then maybe he should think twice about what he's doing. None of us are perfect angels, but I do think some of us have a little more to opologize for than others. He should really be ashamed of himself and not be able to sleep at night.

Actually, I HOPE he's reading this. I hope he's reading this and I hope he realizes how much he's hurting you and that he just needs to turn around and get on his knees and beg for forgiveness from you and the Lord.

Anyway, just know that we're all here to support you and I'm continuing to pray for you.

Emily said...

El, I missed the post you're refering too, so I'm a little in the dark, but I'm always on the side of preserving the marriage. I will be praying for you with all my heart. I also apparently missed that you are pregnant again! How exciting, a new life even in the midst of this. I'm sorry I have no real words of advice or encouragement to offer you, but I will pray.

Tricia said...

It has been a few days since I checked your blog, and I have to say I am sitting here shocked. Why? Because I have been there. A little different circumstances, but there. Emmi's dad and I decided to seperate when I was pregnant. 7 months pregnant. Actually, I will say, I made the decision, but without going into details, he technically made the decision by his actions.

Obviously, you know it will get better one way or the other. But that isn't useful advice right now when you are hurting so much. All I can say is that I am thinking of you and praying for you. I hope that the best possible outcome arrises for your family. I know you have an amazing support system, but contact me if you need to vent.

Also, anon.. well said.

Sonya said...

wow I don't know where I have been but I completely missed this post. my heart goes out to you and John. I will be praying for you both and for the kids and for the baby on the way.

Erin said...

Thinking about you today. This is my first time to your blog and I am in tears reading this post. I am hoping for what is best for your family and for your marriage. Things will work out in time . . and like you said you have time . .

Put a smile on your face for those sweet kids of yours!

Suzy said...

I can relate to some of what you have talked about. My kids are grown now...makes me wish I lived near you. I hope whatever is best works out for you and those beautiful children.

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