Softening

Last night I picked up the phone and actually called someone. I know, right? I hate calling people. But although I almost chickened out, I followed through and made the call.

Then I talked on the phone to this person, who I had never spoken to before, for almost three hours.

I don't know the last time I talked on the phone for three hours...probably in high school when I would talk on the phone to friends through entire episodes of Dawson's Creek and Felicity and then pick them apart afterwards. I'm a Pacey fan, by the way.

Let me just tell you, I am so, so glad that I made that call to my friend. We were talking about crazy heavy stuff, but we still spent more time laughing than anything else, and I felt like I'd known her forever. She's experienced many of the same things I have, and it was awesome to talk to someone who knew exactly where I was coming from in almost every area, from having kids super close together to feeling unnatractive during pregnancy to marital issues. I think I love her. So thanks, Kingdom Mama, for lifting my spirits last night after a pretty horrible day. You crack me up!

So after that enlightening experience, which kept me up until almost 1 AM (See, Sarah, we do live in different time zones!), I went to bed and woke up today feeling much more optomistic about life. Ava had a soccer game, and her coach asked how her knee was doing, and I laughed because since she hurt her knee she's hurt her foot, and she's apparently going to be that girl, hurting herself in every game. She spends the other half of the game that she's not hurt standing vaguely near the coach as far away from the ball as possible.

After her game we headed to Target to spend Jace's birthday money (which he split right down the middle with his sister...sweet boy), and on the way, I saw someone driving their truck wearing a flesh toned tee shirt. No, I don't know why anyone would wear a flesh toned tee shirt, but anyway, before I knew it I was cracking up laughing. But not because a guy wearing a tan tee shirt is funny.

When we first moved down here to Florida, we went to the pool all the time. I was like 87 months pregnant with Ava and laying in the water was one of the only things that made me feel human. So we spent lots of time at the pool. We also drove a convertible at the time, so John would always drive home from the pool with the top down and his shirt off. One day, I was apparently in a silly mood, so I told him that Florida had a law against driving without your shirt on.

He totally believed me. For a long time he would always make sure to put his shirt on before we left so that he didn't break the law. It was hilarious, and completely sweet that he never even suspected that I was putting him on. I can't remember when he finally found out there was no law against driving without a shirt, but when he finally did, we both cracked up laughing.

Today, when I saw the guy in that truck, it reminded me of John, driving home from the pool without a shirt all those years ago, afraid he was breaking the law. And it made me smile.

Somehow, I had decompressed enough between yesterday and this morning that a memory of my husband made me smile.

So in honor of that husband, the one who made me smile and laugh for so long, I came home and removed the last couple of posts about him, including his letter to me. Maybe it was stupid or naive, but it's not really about him now, because these days, I have no idea who he is. It's about that guy I married. And if there's anything left of him, I don't want those posts to be part of his story,  because that guy really is a good person.

He'll think I did it because he told me to, I know. Or because he thinks I'll lose readers because of what I wrote. But that's not it. What I said was true, but I was mad when I wrote that post, and I let being upset about some girl who has nothing to do with me, no matter what she has to do with John, get the better of me. I wanted someone to see, finally, what I've refused to post about until now. It was selfish, and I was down, and I probably just wanted sympathy.

As some people have pointed out, I've never gone into a lot of details about what my mistakes in our marriage were. Nope, I haven't. I guess I thought that anyone who has been married knows that after a while, you stop keeping track, and that in every single thing that one person does, the other person has a part as well. That's why I never listed his mistakes, either. As silly or stupid as anyone thinks I am for being surprised by this situation, it's the truth, even if it was naive. I loved my husband, whether or not I showed it very well in my continually pregnant and hormone ridden state. We were both stretched tight as wires...two young kids, Eli's death, Seth's scary pregnancy. I guess that's why they say that when you go through the death of a child, the divorce rate is insane.  I thought that after the kids were all a little older, we'd have time to remember how to make each other laugh again.

That obviously hasn't turned out to be the case. When I look at him now, I don't see the man I married, but that doesn't change things. I still married him, for better or worse, and while it felt good to feel vindicated for a little while, in the end I still feel empty. So it didn't really help anyone at all.

Still, though, I can't thank you all enough for your support. I read every comment, even the negative ones, and really did take them to heart. You are all an amazing blessing to me, and the fact that these people who we may never meet in real life can become true lifelines to us is just awesome to me. Thanks for being God with skin on to me this weekend, everyone. It's looking like a long road ahead, and I hope I can count on every one of you.

Thanks.