Sunday

I'm kind of grumpy today. I have had a headache for the past couple of days that I just can't get rid of, and my only option right now is to take Demerol to get rid of it (Tylenol can mask fever symptoms, which is one of the signs they look for with infection). I did that the other night and felt completely loopy and weird, so for now, I'm just dealing with this headache, which makes me annoyed and irritable.

I had several great friends come by yesterday, and my mom brought the kids as well, so it was a good day. It's just so weird waking up every morning wondering if this is the day she'll be born. Things are the same here. My doctor popped in last night saying that he was going to have another conference with the maternal fetal specialist (Dr. F) today, so I don't know if that will change the game plan at all, or what. I know they have discontinued one of my antibiotics because the cultures for group B strep came back negative, so I guess that's a good thing.

Truthfully, I feel like I'm in a tunnel right now. I can't see what's at the end at all. I know it results in the baby being born theoretically, but it doesn't even feel that real right now, and time is so weird in the hospital. I feel like I've been here a lot longer than three days. Well, this is my fourth day, I guess.

When I was stuck in the hospital before, when I was pregnant with Eli, John always stayed here with me and we would watch DVDs and movies every night. In a weird way, it was a lot of fun to be able to spend the time alone with him. It's been really different this time being on my own here. Not bad, necessarily...I haven't been scared to be alone like I thought I might. Just different, like every other thing that's changed because he left. Just something else that I didn't think I could get through without him that it turns out I can. The first couple nights I was here it was just so weird to look over at the pull out bed and not see him there, sleeping with his arm stretched up to my bed. It's strange how you can think you've gotten used to something and then the most random things can make it hit you all over again. I don't miss John the way he is right now at all. But man, do I ever miss the guy that would sleep with his arm stretched up to hold my hand every night. I don't know if I'll ever stop missing that version of my husband.

Ava is going to visit at lunch, and I'm going to be sure to get one of her songs written down. Who knows what she'll come up with today...I think she has to go where the spirit takes her and I don't know if I'll be able to make requests, but we'll see. She called me this morning and said "So, any doctors in there? What's going on?" She's so funny.

Anyway, I seem to have lost the ability to make my posts anything but disjointed ramblings, but at least it's an update. Hope everyone has a great Sunday!