Monday, December 14, 2009

Rock My Socks!

I started my first blog in college. It wasn't called a blog then, though...I'm not even sure what I called it. It was basically just a place before myspace and facebook appeared where I could keep in touch with my best friends from high school, and I'm reasonably sure that we were the only ones who read one another's journals. Mine was generally very dramatic and almost always about boys. Actually, I think it was always about boys. I mainly posted when I first met someone and was super excited about them or when we were breaking up. I never seemed to journal the happy mediums of life.

When Ava was born I started a new blog where I wrote about her and the kids and got about fifteen comments total in the years I posted, always from people I already knew. But there were lots of cute pictures of the kids. I stopped writing there when I was pregnant with Eli, and after he died, I stopped writing completely.

But even when I'm not writing I'm writing in my head. In fact, the things I write in my head are way better than anything that makes its way to the screen, because the perfect words are always in my head until it's time to write them down...kind of like a songwriter who carries a notepad around with them so that they don't lose any good ideas. I've tried that before, but when I go back later, none of it makes sense, like it was a dream I can't quite grasp.

When I got pregnant with Seth I started another blog where I posted about four times throughout the pregnancy, mostly about how scared I was that he would die, too. All the posts from that blog are actually on this one, as well.

When Seth was born and diagnosed, the first humorous thing I thought was that we named him Seth and that rhymes with deaf and how ironic is that? Actually the first thing was that I wouldn't have to make the kids learn to be quiet when the baby was sleeping, but the rhyming thing was second. I also thought it was kind of cool that the word "Profound" could mean so many different things.

So of course, I immediately reserved the domain, then did absolutely nothing with it. Then October rolled around, and for some reason, I started writing. About Seth. About Eli. About our family. And somehow, people started reading. Not a ton, but more than I'd ever had before, and it's still overwhelming to think of the way people came together to support us as we did a fundraiser to earn money for Seth's surgery by selling bracelets.

I still don't know how it is that blogs become popular, really. I never set out to have a lot of readers...I was writing to write, and then we had the opportunity to do a fundraiser for Seth, it was awesome that so many people online wanted to be a part of that. There are a ton of blogs out there that are bigger than mine, that have more traffic and more readers and more giveaways and...etc.

Sometimes I try to think of what this past year would have been like without this blog, without everyone to write to and talk to. It's not fun. I love this, the outlet, the people, the support! And recently, I have become even more sure of one thing...I have the best readers, and the very best commenters. Because not only did people want to help with Seth...they want to help, period. You all comment when I'm sad and make me feel good. You share things that are sad and silly and thought provoking. They make me laugh and they make me cry, sometimes all at once. Most of all, my readers have the biggest hearts in the world.

I share a lot on this blog, I'm pretty darn transparent on here, even when it's not pretty. I write a lot about me, my kids, my family. After my husband left, this became one of my favorite outlets. I write about not being able to make it off the couch, or how huge an accomplishment going a whole day without crying is to me. There's also I lot I don't share, even though it may seem otherwise. There are a few things even I keep to myself. I can't think of many right now, but I know they exist. I think.

I knew everyone loved Seth. But the way that people have opened their hearts not just to Seth but to Ava and Jace and me, has been amazing. And Evany is one of the most blessed babies in the world, thanks in part to all of you and your prayers. It's crazy to me the way everyone has embraced our family, how so many of you have become friends even though we've never met in life.

And that's why sometimes, I mean to think twice before I complain about some things, because you all are some crazy supportive people! Which is why I was both entertained and touched today when a few of you decided that since I mentioned not having a double stroller that you wanted to help me get one. You guys are so sweet, and you've got some crazy initiative! (Becky, I'm talking to you!) It blows me away that everyone wants to help.

The thing is, even going through what I'm going through, even when finances are incredibly tight, especially compared to what they were previously, we are still a richly blessed family. My oldest daughter is beautiful and thoughtful. My oldest son is hilarious and loving. I have a safe place on this blog where Eli will always be remembered. My younger son, who started out unable to hear anything at all, can now hear normally thanks to the surgery that many people helped us achieve. My youngest, my show-off, impatient to arrive baby girl is healthy and home when it so easily could have gone another, very bad way. Our home, the place I am dreading losing, is still not in foreclosure. Every time we need something, God provides for us, even when we didn't know we needed it. Our cupboards are full and the kids are mostly happy and healthy. I have carseats and a vehicle that can transport all of my children, which is saying something. I still have a DVR for my television, which, if you know me, is maybe the greatest blessing of all (Kidding! Kind of). We have family and friends who have surrounded us and lifted us up in prayer and in person over and over through the years. I have a stem mop.

With all of those things on the "Have" side of my have/have not list, not owning a double stroller is pretty much inconsequential. Yes, it would be nice, but it's a luxury, not a necessity, and while it would make my life easier, we really are getting by. And believe me, if I continue what I've been doing, which is basically carrying Seth one one hip with Evany in the car seat on my other arm, I am going to get some amazing arm muscles. Kind of like how if you wear those weird Nike shoes it tones your legs and two babies are going to get my some rockin' arms. We've been so blessed it's kind of ridiculous, really, even though we struggle, too.

Thank you for being led to help us out, no matter in what way. It's extremely fact, I have to pinch myself sometimes because of how sweet you all are.  But there are other, more deserving families and people who are truly in need. If you felt led to put five or ten dollars towards a fund for our family, I would love to see you donate that to some charity close to your heart instead. Sponsor a Compassion kid, or just give a one time donation. Donate five dollars to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep or the Liz Logelin Foundation. That five dollars could make a life changing difference to someone, and that's the way I would love to see you spend your hard earned money, not on us, although the thought is extremely appreciated.

And no, I'm not being stubborn ( I told you guys I read all my comments!). I just feel strongly that there are many people less fortunate than we are, and that we have already be blessed beyond measure. I'm not saying things aren't hard, because they are. But I have no doubt that we'll find our way, somehow, and that everyone of you who visit here are very dear to my heart. Like I said, I may not have the most readers, but I do know I have the best! You all amaze me all over again every single day.

Thank you for thinking of us. I feel incredibly loved, incredibly blessed. You all rock my socks off.

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