Tuesday, November 2, 2010

In which I blather on

Today has been an emotional day. As well as things are going overall in my life, there are still days that are just a bit much. I can't even put my finger on it exactly, except that Ava heard the song I posted on here the other night (Matthew West's Two Houses) on the radio and now she's singing it every waking moment. She doesn't completely get what it's about but it makes me so sad to think about it I could just cry. So I did.

There are so many things I leave out of my blog...which is ironic, because I've gotten emails tearing me down for something or other that end in "I'm sure this will end up on your blog, since everything else does." In fact, I leave a lot out, because there are people who are not exactly supportive of my life who read here. I've written venting posts that I've then deleted because I knew it wasn't worth the drama, and I've even stopped myself from posting positive news or stories for the same reasons. It's tiring. It makes me sad, because as much as I am trying to take control of my life, I've ended up with no control over my own blog.  I love posting about the kids and updating you all on them, but I miss posting about my thoughts and feelings, too. I hate that in a bid to pull my family's life together in the long run, I've had to sacrifice something that means a lot to me.

Today I went to lunch with a friend who I've known for years. We were pregnant together when I was carrying Eli, and she has a two little girls and a boy, one of whom is named Ava, too (one of the girls, that is!). Her oldest daughter and Ava went to pre-school together, and when Eli died, even though she was going through an incredibly hard time and it must have been very difficult to her as she neared the end of her pregnancy with her son, she was front and center at my baby's memorial service.

I won't go into detail because it's not my story, but my friend went through a situation very similar to mine, down to the fact that she went through a pregnancy with multiple kids alone. She was the very first person I'd personally watched go through the break up of a marriage in the face of multiple kids and pregnancy, and it shocked me to my core. I remember feeling so sad about it all. Over the years, we've kept in touch, and when the same situation happened to me, she often reached out to me to commiserate and to share with me what she'd gone through. And while I'm sorry that we have such a terrible thing in common, I do have to admit that it's amazing to be able to talk to someone who has been in precisely my shoes. There is no fear of judgement, and she always understands where I'm coming from, even when others who haven't been in my position are shaking their heads at me in puzzlement.

Finally, today we were able to meet up in person and have lunch. Seth was cranky and napless, and Evany was loud and silly, and it was anything but a relaxing experience. But it was so good to see her, and so nice to talk to her, and she was so gracious and just let me talk her ear off. She never once looked at me like I was crazy. The coolest, most unexpected thing about it all, though, is that she and her ex-husband have just hit the one year mark of their reconciliation. Hearing her talk about the hard work involved and what it's like to be a complete family again was so fulfilling to hear...I have spent so many years praying for her and the family, and to hear that they have put the work in and started to rebuild their family is just an amazing answer to that prayer. Often when someone separates or divorces no one knows quite what to pray. Do you pray for the family? For the one who left? For the one who is left behind? In the end, I prayed for them all, that God's will would be done, and seeing that come to fruition in a way I truthfully never imagined it would makes me so happy for them.

It's so easy to pass judgement on other people's actions, and I'm a pretty terrible offender when it comes to that, as well. But in the end, all we can do is seek God's will in our lives. Sometimes he leads us places we thought we'd never go, and sometimes he tells us to humble ourselves and turn right back around. But unless we're listening and surrendering to Him, or if we're too busy applying our limited understanding to a situation, or judging without seeking His will, we'll probably miss His signals.

I've gone through the past year and a half begging God to tell me something, lead me somewhere, give me clarity. I never got it, no matter how much I searched or pushed or screamed or yelled. In the face of every action, I received silence. No affirmation or rebuke, just silence. I have been floundering in a sea of unrest, unsure of what direction to move in.

Until recently, when I tried something new. Instead of trying to find the answer, I stopped looking. Instead of testing out new directions, I was still.

Psalm 46:10 was there all along, in front of my face, like so many other verses.

"Be still, and know that I am God."

That simple? Really?

I figured it couldn't hurt.

So I'm being still. I'm not looking for a change, or searching for direction. I'm being still, and I'm waiting.  God has plans for my family, and I don't know what they are. But I do know that ever since I stopped looking, I have finally felt the peace and clarity I've been searching for. I just had to stop looking for it.

There's a lesson for the control freak in me, huh?

So I'm here, being still. And taking care of my kids. And studying. And waiting. And sometime, someday, God will lead me to do something besides wait. I just know it.
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