Thursday, December 23, 2010


Ava and Jace are off at a sleepover tonight, so the babies and I stayed up late and hung out. Actually, Seth and I hung out on the couch while Evany crawled like a maniac all over the house and yelled at us every so often. It was relaxing.

The personality difference in these kids just cracks me up. For his entire life, Seth has been attached, quiet, thoughtful, and very cuddly. He spends at least half of his day on my lap. Literally. The other half he spends sitting or playing right next to me. Evany, in contrast, is all over the place. She's a busy bee, and I can't get her to cuddle with me at all unless she's exhausted or sick. She'll let me carry her from place to place happily, but she never hugs or lays her head on my shoulder...she's always checking out what's going on...clapping, waving, making friends.

Their physically identical, but their personalities? Night and day. It's so strange that you can have these kids in the same family and they can all be so unique. It's so much fun watching them grow.

This Christmas has been a lot easier than last year to get through. Apparently you really can get used to anything. In fact, today was the first time it even really hit me that no one is out shopping for a special gift for me or thinking of me romantically this Christmas. It makes me sad...don't get me wrong. I don't want to be alone forever. But compared to last year, it's easier. It is what it is. I'm on my own, and it's partly due to choices I've made. All I can do is make the kids' Christmas the best it can be. It really doesn't matter what it's like for me, and anyway, it makes me happy to see them happy.

We're getting there. Or trying to. Some days are harder than others, sometimes I'm fine all day and then sad because of the littlest thing. All I can do is try and process it all as it comes and remember that no one is supposed to get over life changes like this overnight, or even in a year or longer. Just like dealing with Eli's death, the little things about my family being broken hit at strange times, even when I think I'm fine. I didn't just lose my husband last year, I lost the person who was supposed to stand by me no matter what. Sometimes that hits harder than others.

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts with all of you and never making me feel bad. It means more than you know.
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