Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Fool Me Once


I'm alive. I promise. I appreciate every comment and email asking me what the heck I was thinking dropping off the face of the earth like that.

This blog post has been in progress in my head for something like a month, but I haven't yet typed it out. We'll see how it goes.

You see, I've always been a bit of an idiot about my (now ex) husband. I halve always seen him as what he could be instead of what he is, and as such, I may have been a bit starry eyed, even after our divorce. I have been a little too willing to overlook things, a little too bent on reconciliation with a man who made it very clear when I was three months pregnant with his daughter that he was heading for what were greener pastures in his eyes.

I never gave up hope, though, that he would come back. And so when there were many signs pointing to just that over the summer and fall, I began to be optimistic that our story could have a happy ending. I won't go into too many details, but suffice it to say that I wasn't imagining things. There seemed to be so much...potential. I began to see glimpses of the man I married.

To complicate things even more, I found out I was pregnant in late November. I know this fact alone will disappoint many people. The audacity to get pregnant when so many know we struggle financially. The sin of sex outside of marriage. I can't speak for John, but for myself, I can say that signing divorce papers never made me feel one bit less married. The pregnancy was unplanned, and while I would not have chosen this timing, I told myself after my son died that I would never be anything but happy about the chance to raise another child.

John didn't share my feelings. He does not support this pregnancy or the fact that I am choosing to carry this baby to term (or, knowing me, as close to term as possible). In fact, soon after I found out I was pregnant he realized that while he did want to be married again, it wasn't to me. He is now engaged to the same person he left me for. She doesn't mind the pregnancy, apparently. Things have been very, very difficult and ugly between us.

So here we are. I am alone all over again, this time with four children and one on the way instead of three. Many people will disapprove of my actions or my choices, or question why I'd ever give someone who left me once another chance. The old saying "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." It runs through my head a lot. I certainly allowed myself to be fooled.

But I wouldn't take it back. I married him for a reason, and even if the only reason is these children, then it will have been worth it. The silver lining here is that I am not new to this. As sad as it sounds, this isn't my first rodeo. I have gone through pregnancies alone before. Evany has been nothing but a blessing to our family and I know this baby will be no different.

Of course I can't lie and say part of me is afraid I'm going to be alone forever while he goes off and gets married and lives happily ever after. That would be silly. Sometimes I want to scream and beat the walls and cry about how he's found someone and I'm alone. It sucks, and it doesn't seem fair.

But the thing is, God never promised us fair. He never promised us easy. But he did promise that He has a plan, and it's for good. I have to believe that somehow, some way, he will bring beauty out of this, as well.

I understand if you are disappointed in me. I understand if you are shaking your head about the choices I have made. I understand that by putting my life out there on a public blog I invite people to weigh in on that life, whether it be good or bad. I don't expect understanding, but respect would be greatly appreciated. I have spent six weeks going through all of this in my head, and believe me, I am my own worst critic. I have picked apart and condemned my actions over and over, so I don't need anyone to do it for me. What's done is done, and now I have to make the best of it and move on.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for not giving up on us.
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