Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Mixed Feelings

I'm sitting on my couch and it is silent. There is not one child here.

I don't actually know the last time that happened.

Mara and Amy, my close friends and two of the moms I have been so lucky to homeschool with for the past couple of years offered to take all the kids for homeschool this morning so I could get packing done, which was incredibly nice. So I'm taking a few minutes to sit here in the quiet of my house and completely freak out.

I'm running out of time. Time to pack, time to visit every place one last time, time to see my friends, time to find a home for our dog and hamster, time to get my van serviced and all the paperwork I need in one place. I basically have two and a half weeks to figure it all out, and I am completely unmotivated to do any of it, which doesn't help at all.

I got married here. I delivered every one of my children here. My son died here. Ava and Jace became Christians here. I became an adult, a mom, the person I am today here. My mom and my grandmother are here, and my next door neighbors are literally family to me. We bought our first home here. In many ways, Florida feels more like home than Indiana. My family and friends there only saw us on vacations, and none of them "knew" Eli. I don't even know if my ex-husband's family knows that I'm pregnant again, or if they'll want to meet the kids, although I hope they will. I don't know if people there will understand why I will be sad in March. I don't know if my family will understand me, know how different I am than I was before this life I have lived here, that I moved away a kid but am moving back an adult who is capable and responsible, even if my marriage did fall apart.

I've taken care of all the things I can...Seth has an Audiologist in Indianapolis and an AVT therapist in Fort Wayne that come incredibly highly recommended ready to treat him, my OB care is set up, we have a great place to stay while we find something that works for us, and I know everything will be fine.

Everything will be fine.

I know everything will be fine. But right now every insecurity I have is rearing it's ugly head and making it really hard for me, even though I know we will get there and I will be glad to be there even while I am sad to be away from family and friends here. But I know it'll be fine...I was talking to my cousin Logan on the phone last night and laughing with her made me realize that underneath all this sadness and anxiety about moving I really am looking forward to being able to see her for our weekly "dates" instead of talking on the phone. I am excited about reconnecting with family and my kids knowing their cousins and aunts and uncles.

I made a quick appearance at a going away dinner for my friend Angie last night, and it was so nice to see how excited she is to move. I can tell she is looking at it all as an adventure as she and her husband and their four kids move a few states away. I want to be able to look at our upcoming move as an adventure, too.

It would probably be easier to think of it as an adventure if I was actually packed. So I should go do that.
blog comments powered by Disqus
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...