Thursday, May 19, 2011

Real or Not Real?

So can I just skip all the "We're still alive" rigamarole? Because we are. It's been an intense couple of weeks. On one of my last posts, I got a comment asking me how real I was on this blog, mentioning that I tended to paint our world with a rosy glow and not really dwell on the difficulties we go through. This commenter, who was very well meaning, questioned whether I would be doing others more of a service by being real and gritty rather than painting everything with sunshine and roses.

I've been thinking about that comment ever since I received it.

I used to be very transparent and very real on this blog all the time. But for better or worse, I've backed away. We moved across the country to improve various situations in our lives, but I found that by posting everything that went on in my life here, I was still giving some others just as much intimate insight into my life as they had when I was living in Florida. It's the other side of the internet coin...there is no distance online. I want to be real and transparent here, but sometimes it's not worth the hassle it causes. I can be sensitive, especially now. Maybe it means I'm letting other people control me, maybe it's just keeping something just for me for a change. At this point, I don't know anymore. I do know that sometimes I want to keep some things just for me, good and bad.

I do know that I don't ever post anything on this blog that is not real. Just because I don't share every negative thing doesn't make the positive things I post any less real and true. Is it all shiny and happy here every second of the day? Of course not! There are four young children running around, we're staying in someone else's home surrounded by breakable things that don't belong to us, and much of the time, I don't feel great. My blood pressure is creeping up and I have to give myself six shots a day, some in the middle of the night. I sleep with a two year old laying on top of me most of the time. We have bad moments and days. I haven't found the right rental for us yet. The school I wanted to send the kids to next year fell through. Homeschooling is both incredibly rewarding and more challenging than I ever imagined. My brain is fried much of the time trying to keep up with their school and my own school and still give them what they need from me as "just" their mom and not their teacher each day.  Life as a single parent to four is not a cake walk, and I think that most people probably realize that, so I don't usually see the need to dwell on it.

Because sometimes good things come hard. Sometimes it takes walking through a valley to get to your place in the sun. Insert your own cliche'd phrase here. Life gets hard. It's what we do when it gets hard that matters. And I would not trade my hard life, this hard life, for anything, not the easiest, most stress free life imaginable, because this is mine. I have worked hard to rebuild my life in light of everything that has happened in the past couple of years, and I refuse to be a victim or to be pitied. I have had very dark days and weeks since my life changed so drastically, and I still have moments where all those feelings resurface. But above all, I know that God is building an amazing life for us and one day I'll open my eyes and every step I've had to take to get there will make sense.

 I'll never say that this course my life has taken is better than what my life and previous marriage could have been, because given the chance I would have worked just as hard at that, but I will be damned if it is not just as good. I refuse to let this break me. I refuse to let it break them. I will raise these kids to love God and honor marriage and work for what they want and need in life, and even if that's all I accomplish while I'm here, then that will be enough. I would love to be a wife again someday, a partner and helpmeet, but if that doesn't happen for me, it will still be okay. I got to experience marriage. I don't regret my marriage. I don't regret the choices I've made since it ended. I made every one of them with good intentions. And if I ever do get married again it will be for the right reasons to the right person, that God will toss them into my life and make it clear to me.

And because I know that, it's not so hard to post about the happy things, the shiny things in our lives, and let the other things rest. Because that video of Jace losing his tooth shows a happy little boy. The small things, inconsequential moments that I share here are valuable and true and I want to remember them. While I won't go so far as to say I'm deliriously happy, I am content. I know I'm working incredibly hard towards a life and career that will make me happy, that will make my children feel secure and will give us many opportunities.

And I think we're well on our way, as I can't even look at these pictures without a huge smile on my face. These are happy kids, and that is very real.








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