Wednesday, October 7, 2009


My brain is so jumbled tonight that none of this is going to make sense. Sorry in advance! I just got home after one of John's next door neighbor hangs out to meet him and then also trades off with him after the visit so that I don't have to see him. I'm guessing he wants to start making the place he is staying now more like home, because he will  take things when he's here, which is really disconcerting. I mean, I know it all belongs to us as a unit and I'm fine with that...I'm not trying to keep things from him, but he doesn't ask, he just does it and sometimes tells me later. We haven't split anything up out of our "household" and I've already packed up and given him all his personal stuff, so it's really strange to come home and see that things are gone, even if it's just something little or something I didn't like anyway. I feel like our home is getting taken apart, piece by piece and it feels like a violation. I just wish he would run it by me instead of just taking whatever it is, even if it's a stupid dvd.

As far as the delivery room stuff goes. my mom is going to have to watch my kids. Seth has some big separation anxiety going on and he's only comfortable with a few people. The other person I had for childcare is going to be out of town for most of the window that the baby could be born in. And while there's a possibility that a friend could be there with me, it's not quite the same, and my friends have multiple kids and their  lives to juggle, so there's no guarantee. As far as John goes, I just don't know if I want him in there. I mean, I do want him in there, but I also don't. He has not been around for the pregnancy, and sometimes I feel like I'm just an incubator to him. I don't think he would be supportive through labor and I would feel really weird to know that he was just waiting around for the baby to come out. While I want my husband with me in the delivery room really badly, he doesn't feel that he is my husband anymore, and I don't think I can take him being there but not being there for me, as I deliver his baby. The other kids births were so joyful and he was always there, holding my hand, brushing my hair back from my forehead, sometimes almost fainting. =)  I don't think I could stand to see him there, but not being there for me.Not to mention that I would feel really strange with everything that happens in labor since I'm not really comfortable with him right now.  And labor is kind of supposed to be about me and how I feel, I think. I don't know what the best thing is right now.

I'm just tired of all of this. I'm tired of not being able to think of anything cheery to write about. I'm tired of feeling guilty for being angry. I'm tired of thinking about the effect this is all going to have on my kids, and trying to wrap my head around how their lives are going to be so different now. I hate worrying about visitation and all of that. I hate that my kids drive me crazy sometimes but that when I have to leave so they can see their dad I miss them so much it hurts, even though it's only for a few hours. I hate writing all of this and knowing you all will not know what to say and just feel sorry for me. That's not my intention. My brain is just exhausted with all of this, and sometimes even though I try to think about other things, I just can't.

Luckily you guys will hopefully not have to put up with me for being mopey too much longer. I have some friends visiting this month and some stuff going on next month that should cheer me up enough that I'm not completely depressing on here. We'll see. =)
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