Friday, October 9, 2009

You Win.

I've had a couple of people ask me why, if I want my marriage to work out so much, then why in the world don't I stop writing about it here on this blog.

The thing is, this is happening to me. It's part of my life. When I'm writing, it comes out, whether I want it to or not. If I try to write about something else, it totally sucks and I have to scrap it. So sometimes, it's either write about how I feel about my marriage or explode. No, I don't have to actually post those things, but this is where my stubborn streak rears it's ugly head. In many ways I feel like everything has been taken away from me without my consent. This blog, unlike my house or my husband or my marriage, feels like the one thing that is all mine, where I can do and say and think whatever I want. It feels wrong to leave a huge part of my life out of my "life" on this blog.

Yes, I have friends here that support me "in real life" and are willing to listen to me vent about my marriage. For various reasons, I don't talk to very many of them about this. It's easier for me to write than talk. When I talk about my husband, I get upset, and then I'm crying and that's no fun for anyone. For whatever reason, writing offers me much more closure and help, and that helps me be present and here for my kids.

The thing is, although I'm feeling much better than I was in July and August, there are still several times a day when I feel a gut wrenching emptiness. It still feels so strange that he's gone, and I have to remind myself that I can't call him or count on him anymore. I just can't make myself believe that this isn't a nightmare, that he really means to divorce me, that he'd rather start over completely than make any effort with me, his wife, the mother of his five children. Because my husband wouldn't do that. He was always the most loving, forgiving person I knew and it blows me away to think he's given up on me, our marriage, and our family. I hate to think about him with someone else, while I'm alone with all our kids and feeling terribly unattractive and pregnant. Then I think about raising this baby, who will never know her father full time, and it makes me so sad. Then that makes me realize that all of our kids are so young that almost none of them will remember when their dad and I were happy. It feels scary. It feels overwhelming. And the person that I should be able to talk with and trust is the one who is making this happen.

Writing about all of these things on this blog has been a lifeline to me. This blog has become my "significant other", that person who is there for me late at night and early in the morning, where I could say anything and receive support. You see, for three months I have been told that this is all my fault, that I caused somehow made him do everything he's done, to have the fact that he's the one bringing in a paycheck held over my head over and over since it's not "our money" anymore. I have never felt so controlled and cut down in my life. Venting here about my husband, or just writing about my own feelings about my marriage helped me feel like something I said or thought mattered when I was being told over and over, by the person who means the most to me in the world, that what I think or want, or even who I am doesn't matter at all.

But in the end, he couldn't let me have this either. I'm done. He wins, and I'll let him. I can't deal with having to weigh the pros and cons of posting my thoughts, the anxiety of seeing a comment from him countering every feeling I have or an email ripping me apart. After a while I start to think that if he's so positive, maybe it didn't really happen the way I remember. Do I delete the comments? That's not fair. I almost never delete comments, and feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. Do I respond? Then it turns into an argument about who is telling the truth and who is lying, and I end up crying and a mess and yet another day is ruined. Something that was meant as a release is turned into more frustration. Discontinuing posts about my marriage won't do much for me positively, but it will cut down on the negativity I receive from him.

I've always known that John strongly believes his side of the story. Of course he does...he has to, to be okay with leaving his family. It has to be my fault. I have to be the one who is keeping him from his kids. I have to be the reason, the justification for each choice he's made, or else he might have to open his eyes and realize what he's doing. I thought I felt strongly about being able to write the things I feel about him and our marriage on this blog, but it turns out I don't feel as strongly as he does about me being the bad guy. It's not worth it, and really, in the scheme of things, not writing about my marriage falling apart on this blog is nothing compared to my actual marriage falling apart. Who may be partly my fault that by taking so much responsibility for our problems when he left that I've just made it easier for him to justify things.

So this is the last post you'll see from me about my husband, and by extension, probably the last you'll see from me posting about most personal things. Right now, there aren't many things that don't deal with my feelings about my marriage. It makes me sad, in a lot of ways. It'll probably be a lot more boring around here, and I'll miss being able to get feedback or just loving comments about how I feel from you guys.
All the posts I have written about my husband or my marriage since he left over three months ago are at the end of this post, in ascending order, aside from the few I took down when I felt I was being unfair to him. I won't be removing them, and I think if they're read with an open mind that you'll find, whether you're a supporter or detractor of me, that almost all of what I have written has been for the most part respectful and fair. I have held back so much more than I have ever written. Of course, if you don't like me or are looking for things to pick apart, I'm sure you'll find them. To all of you who have been there for me through this, I'll never be able to thank you enough.

ADDED 10:27 PM: Just wanted to clarify to everyone that I'm not stopping this blog, just that I'm going to stop writing about my marriage for the time being. However, I am taking everyone's comments into consideration...I hadn't thought of it from some of your points of view! You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you. Don't worry though, I'm not going anywhere. I just have to figure out some other stuff to write about! Making the blog private isn't an option right now as it's my only source of income, so I'll just have to learn to be interesting writing other content. =)

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